A lot of people come to me and ask “How should I go about drafting a kicker?”. And I respond, “Really bro, that’s what you want to talk about?” Actually, not really. None of that ever happens, and there’s a good reason for that. First, I’m always in my mom’s basement, so no one really comes up to me to ask about anything. Secondly, no one actually cares about kickers. Okay, okay, there are *some* people who draft kickers for one reason or another, but all those reasons are wrong. The Razzball approved strategy here is: Don’t be that guy you know. Which I guess is the opposite of Velveeta’s new slogan. We aim high here folks. Look, they are what they are, and that’s a low-tier position on the totem pole of fantasy football. And that’s no joke, because the totem pole exists. Somewhere in New Mexico, with the face of Roger Goodell and Cobra Commander. Hail HYDRA!, amiright? Anyhow, let’s go over a few things about this position (that’s what she said), and then rank-o-rama starts. Prepare your alcoholic beverages…
His Name Was Morten Anderson: If you must draft a Kicker, and you’re not in a nine-Kicker league, please, for the love of Morten Anderson, don’t do it until the late-rounds. Unless you play in a format where Kicker(s) play a bigger role, and if that’s the case, after you draft your kicker, immediately withdraw from said league and join a less-crazier one.
For example, I’d rather have:
Any of the top-25 Quarterbacks before I draft a Kicker.
Any of the top-65 Running Backs before I draft a Kicker.
Any of the top-75 Wide Receivers before I draft a Kicker.
Any of the top-20 Tight Ends before I draft a Kicker.
Any Dome, Except For Bio-Dome: Remember, Kickers, even the elite ones, are hard to predict, as their production relies heavily on the team around them, and the environment in which they are doing their kicking. When targeting, my process goes like this:
Does the Kicker’s team play in a dome? (Or, to a certain extent, a ‘good-weather’ city.) It’s easy, the less weather plays a part in the game, the more opportunities that Kicker will receive to make an impact. Adam Vinatieri, Nick Novak, and Dan Bailey all work here.
Does the Kicker’s team have an elite defense? In most cases (you would hope), coaches are aware of what type of team they have and are more likely to go field-goals when the option exists. Steven Hauschka, Phil Dawson, and to a lesser extent, Mike Nugent are those guys. I could list Billy Cundiff here, but then I would immediately get stigmata.
Does the Kicker’s team have a so-so offense? The teams that immediately come to mind are the New York Jets and the New York Jets. Also, probably the Bills. Because they’re the Bills. Here, you’re targeting from teams that struggle to score points, and usually use their kicker as their primary scoring option. Dan Carpenter, Sebastian Janikowski, and Nick Folk are all good options.
In The End, Does It Matter?: Eh, not really. I mean, it does matter, but not enough to concern yourself with any of this. So why did you just read this? Because I’m good looking with a robust head of hair. And friends, that’s reason enough if you ask me.
Despite how irrelevant I think the position is, it still is a position, and this being ‘rankings’ time, we must go forth and use a numerical system to place these kickers in order. And then have a knife fight right afterwards. Sounds exciting, right? Probably just the knives part…