The news hit my twitterfeed like there was a cure for cancer. Arizona trades for Carson Palmer! Finally, Larry Fitzgerald has a real quarterback throwing to him! It’ll be just like old times for Fitzy! And this is much longer than twitter will ever allow for one tweet! It must’ve been broken up over like 5! And I can’t stop using exclamation points!!!…!!! It’s true, the Cardinals finally got their man in Carson to do away with the three-headed dreck of Stanton, Hoyer and Skelton for the season and it’s also true that Carson will most likely be successful in his stint in the desert. But let’s do like your mother did when you said you’d grow up to marry a Super Model and create a sock that never loses its elasticity: lower your expectations. It’s true that Carson is an upgrade over all those guys – and even Kevin Kolb who’s now with the Bills – but the upgrade that’s still needed hasn’t truly happened. Unless you think being a quarterback in Arizona is linked to the world’s oldest profession, you realize a QB can’t do their job while lying on their back. The Cardinals had either the worst or at least bottom 5 among offensive lines in the NFL last year according to most metrics. Don’t worry, Americans, you don’t have to understand the metric system to get how bad these stats are. The Cardinals line gave up the fourth most sacks (49), had the lowest ‘adjusted line yards’ mark at 2.92 and the team as a whole averaged 3.4 yards per carry on the ground. Those stats are like a surgeon performing a transplant: disheartening. However, the good thing we can say here is the Raiders line was not leaps and bounds better so there’s hope for a reasonable season to come from Carson and from his receiving crew. Just don’t go crazy with the twitter love and exclamation points about it. In other 2013 fantasy football news…
Matt Flynn – Well, there’s a reason the Raiders traded Carson. That reason is Terrell Pryor, of course. I keed. I think. In reality, there’s no guarantee that Flynn is the starting QB in Oakland this year. If you feel bad for the guy, look at how much money he’s making for 87 career completions and for holding a clipboard. See? You kinda hate him now.
Jason Hanson – Retired after playing for 21 years. He could’ve stopped after 1997’s smash hit ‘MMM Bop’ but he stayed for the fans. Class act.
Colt McCoy – Signed with the 49ers to back up Colin Kaepernick. Looks like Harbaugh wanted an even bigger challenge than turning Alex Smith into a competent quarterback.
Matt Barkley – After working out for the Bills on Monday, he’s rumored to be holding a private workout for the Cardinals on Saturday. If we see smoke billowing from the combine, we’ll know who will back up Palmer in 2013.
In general news, the NFL unveiled plans to show locker room footage on the jumbotrons at games. Chris Culliver better hope they don’t catch him checking out Harbaugh when he’s ranting. He’s cute when he’s angry.