Ostentatious. Adjective. Definition: Characterized by vulgar or pretentious display; designed to impress or attract notice. Welp, it sure worked. We saw it all, Tavon Austin, and we’re all impressed. The 98 yard punt return? Flashy. The 81 yard TD catch and run? Swank. The 57 yard bomb? Razzle-Dazzle. Don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’m using synonyms here for that ‘o’ word you can’t pronounce. It’s ok, it’s the internet, you only need to know context, you don’t have to know how to actually say them. Well here’s where I’m supposed to say ‘Tavon has arrived’ or ‘look for Austin to test his city limits’ because we pun like that around here. But I’m not gonna. Not even close. NOPE. Sure, it was an impressive day but here’s what doesn’t impress me: the number 2. No, I’m not talking about the polite way to say you’re taking a crap. I’m talking about his receptions in the game. Sure, he had 138 yards receiving but c’mon this game screams fluky. Further problems with the ‘pick up Tavon’ mantra or ‘Tavontra’ if you will? The number 7. That’s the number of drops he has on the year heading into the weekend. That’s tied for the league lead and of the 4 others he’s up against in that category, he has the smallest amount of targets. Third? Kellen Clemens is still throwing to him. That’s, to say the least, not a positive. Look, I’m not saying this kid can’t be good some day but that day isn’t today. In deep leagues, I can see getting interested but if I own any shares I’m looking to move on from Tavon. In other 2013 Fantasy football news from Sunday of week 10…
Riley Cooper – Another week, another chance at maximum damage on minimal targets for Cooper. Only 5 the entire day but finished with 2 TDs and a 3/102 line. To be fair, Foles only threw it 18 times so he was 28% of Nick’s throws on the day. Statistics, y’all! Cooper is as real as other teams let him be. I’m telling you he’s a weird by-product of Foles’ love and not being the main target in the offense. But I’m enjoying it on three teams nonetheless.
Marshawn Lynch – Finally. Skittles got to nom nom in the end zone and carried the ball 24 times for 145 yards and even chipped in 3/16 through the air. Buyshawn Lynch indeed.
David Wilson – I’m sure those who had Wilson as a keeper are asking yourself ‘how could it get possibly any worse?’. Welp…Wilson’s career is now in jeopardy as the doctors have advised him not to play any more. The news is he plans to play in 2014 but as the voice of our Podcast and lover of all things DW, @NickCapozzi would say: WILLLLLLLSOOOOONNNNNNNN! That’s an actual pic of Nick. He’s been a bit lost since David went down this year.
Brandon Marshall – It ain’t no thang. Just B-Marsh going 7/139/2 on 12 targets. His teammate Alshon left out? Nah, 9/114 on 18 targets. Think this could be the start of a beautiful 1-2 punch friendship and Bears QBs get to revel in its crapulence.
Russell Wilson – Full team effort for the first time in forever and RW3 looked like his usual, playing under control self: 19/26 for 287 and 2 TDs with 20 yards on the ground for throw in. Make no mistake, it’s never been an issue with Russell – admitted ‘hawks fan, how could I not like him? – but with the offensive game plan. Seattle coordinators, you have satiated my thirst for one week. I look forward to your explanation next week when Lynch gets 10 carries only again.
Nick Foles – The fine Philly keeps ranking up the fantasy points and this time on limited chances: 12/18 for 228 yards and 3 passing touchdowns. Oh and you need Vick in there because he can run and non-running QBs can’t do the read option you say? Foles second in rushing among QBs heading into SNF with 38 with 2 or 3 kneel downs to take away from it. Mmm-hmmm…oh and yes it was a lucky day for Foles. Probably should’ve had a few passes intercepted but again I point you to 18 attempts and the carnage done. Hope you grabbed him last week.
Maurice Jones-Drew – Not a sexy line with 21/41 on the ground but he found the end zone and finished with 74 total yards. It wasn’t great looking but it got the job done. How fitting for a guy nicknamed the Oompa Loompa.
Ryan Fitzpatrick – Jake Locker just can’t stay healthy and that keeps Fitz gainfully employed. After the Titans stalling the entire day, Ryan lead an offensive revolution for them in the second half, finishing 22/33 for 264 and 2 TDs and with a rushing TD to put him in the top 10 QBs for scoring on the day. Because why should life make sense? Locker won’t play this Thursday. If you need a QB, well Indy just gave up a ton of points to a team led by Kellen Clemens so there ya go.
Arian Foster – Woah, dia de los muertos came late this year. Arian has a bulging disc in his back and will have surgery, effectively ending his season. With Tate having rib bits in various spots of his body, Dennis Johnson is beyond an intriguing pickup for a team that won’t be making the playoffs any time soon and with Tate almost assured of testing the FA pool for next year. Of course, you’re reading this on Monday and all your leaguemates like me grabbed him on Wednesday or Thursday last week so you just kinda hate me now.
Peyton Manning – Blah, blah, blah big stats, blah, blah, blah another Denver win…ok, enough with the blahs. Manning got hurt this week. It was his lower extremities that got hurt. I’m not being flippant, that’s what he’s getting an MRI on for Monday. Knee, ankle, inner thigh…yeah, lower extremity. Worried a bit? Yup. Worried enough to rip my clothes off and run screaming down my office floor ‘my season is over’? No more than any other Monday.
Andre Brown – I said I didn’t believe in the Brown story. Then Hillis went back to being Hillis and Brown carried it 30 times for 115 yards and a touchdown. And yes it does make my Brown eyes blue because I picked him up nowhere. Level of interest is RB2 territory with major re-injury risk on the docket. Probably a seller if I own him but I’d have to get that price in return.
Scott Tolzien – Looking forward to watching the rewind of this one. After Wallace went down, Tolzien went for 280, 1 TD and 2 INT. Not the greatest line but clearly can move the ball better than Seneca. The fact the coaching staff in GB didn’t know that prior to the game makes my cheesehead hurt.
Terrelle Pryor – Well, his initials are TP…guess that was a sign. I don’t even think he wiped up after that game. He’s on the outside looking in for fantasy purposes for a few weeks until he can rekindle that passing magic he had prior to the bye.
Brandon Bostick – Went for 3/42/1. Let’s hope this was the week GB found out everything that was going wrong without Rodgers out there and we see more of Donatello out there. Get it? TMNT? Bo stick? Whatever, you’re looking for TE upside, Brandon’s got it.
AJ Green – Lucky TD on a Fail Mary turned into bail-out Mary for the Red Rocket, but Green had a decent day even without it. Finished 8/151/1 and Green with envy that Andre Johnson has Keenum throwing to him. I’m only half-joking.
Jermaine Kearse – Now if Seattle is smart, they start figuring out ways to get this man more involved. I’m throwing that out there as a hint…you want me to explain the hint? Well then it’s no longer a hint! Great body control and adjustment to the ball on his 3/75/1 day. The ‘hawks are never gonna be a high volume passing team so it’s probably a pipe dream but Jermaine deserves a bit more attention. Consider him when the ‘hawks are in a shootout…ok, NM, that’s probably not happening this year.
Andre Roberts – On a day where Fitz was on a milk carton and Michael Floyd went down early with an injury, it’s no surprise that Andre goes 5/72/1 on 8 targets. It’s good to be the King even when all you’re ruling is a vast, arid desert.
Trent Richardson – Now I’m not making excuses for him because I’m not Jim Irsay. But here’s what I can say: -0.5 against 0.4 and 12.8 vs 11. That’s the yards per carry and per catch of Donald Brown vs T-Rich. Notice a huge difference? I’m not even gonna tell you who’s who there. All you need to know is that the problem exists outside of T-Rich. Oh and the Colts lost 8-38 which kinda proves my point. I’m not impressed with Indy nor their play calling nor their use of their players. Pepto-Dismal.
Le’Veon Bell – 22 for 57 yards and a TD to go with 39 through the air on 3 catches. Still not in love with him but he’s an RB2 week in and week out until he breaks and Dwyer takes over and breaks everyone’s heart.
Giovani Bernard – Another week, another RB2 line. I got cute and ranked him down near 20 this week. Never again after 95 total yards and a TD and a nice PPR day with 8 receptions. Gio-B: the man, the myth, THE ILLUSION.
Demaryius Thomas – I got the stink eye when I ranked him up near Marshall and Green this year. After a 7/106/3 line on 10 targets, I think you need to go take your eye to the cleaners, bros.
Jarrett Boykin – I swear I’m better at making up my mind than this! I thought we were stuck with Wallace until/if A-Rod came back. Clearly I was wrong. And yes, Boykin is ownable now…again…yeesh.
T.Y. Hilton – Another week, another 100 yard receiving game for Hilton (7/130 on 8 targets). And for DHB, another week, another key 3rd down drop. Yuck sticker.
Andre Johnson – Had 37 yards and 2 TDs on 5 catches. For those Texans fans who don’t pay very good attention, yes Andre has been playing for your team for quite some time. But so has Matt Schaub. AJ now has more TDs in his last two games than he had in his prior 23. Maybe even more. I have zero need to research the last time he scored a TD in 2011, that stat says enough.
Case Keenum – I really thought this was the week Case’s gunslinger style would suffer. On the road against a tough defense. Didn’t matter. After 3 TD passes, I’m willing to pin him as a ROS top 15 QB with room for a top 10 finish. Two QB leagues and leagues where you score extra points for guys having ‘Keen’ in their name and Allen was already taken, dive in if you haven’t already.
Marques Colston – Sure, I tell people to buy you after the Graham injury and what do you do? Nothing, sit a game out and then when you’re finally resting on my bench after weeks of bupkis, you go for 7/107/1. You’re on that list that includes ‘door to door’ people, Clay Aiken and people who spin signs about mundane products to purchase. Hey Little Caesars kid with the head phones, get a real job. You’re gonna ask me if I’m buying and I’m telling you I’ve already bought and I don’t know what to do at this point except curl up and cry.
DeMarco Murray – Finished with 89 yards rushing on 16 carries and a TD. Pretty sure he had about 80 of that in the first quarter and a half. Yeah, Dallas got the D last night. Not that D, sicko…the New Orleans D.
Mark Ingram – Went for 14/145/1 to go with 2/15 through the air as the Saints told him before the game the Colts were willing to give up a 2015 first round pick for him if he performed.
Dez Bryant – No sideline tirades and no on field fireworks: 1/44. Dallas looked more confused than I did the first time I watched Magnolia and the raining frogs scene hit. Granted, I was stoned and trying to make out with someone and wasn’t paying attention but seriously, where the hell did those frogs come from? Totally harshed my mellow.
And that’s it for Monday. What, you wanted a SNF wrap-up, Jaywrong style? He’s too busy helping the baseball side of the Razzball world not fall apart while Grey is Honeymooning off the gulf of his mom’s backyard creek. BTW, Grey, just letting you know: camping on the Delta in said creek is not taking Mrs. Albright to an exotic island retreat. The Podcast you ask? Canada keeps having these Monday holidays. It’s like they don’t work up there. Either way, no one to press play when we say funny words into the mics this week until tomorrow. So it’s just me left cold, naked and afraid a day after Mark Ingram outscored most of the RBs I ranked in the top 20…hold me…