Author: Jay

Jay is a longtime Razzball everything who consumes an egregious amount of Makers Mark as a vehicle to gain wisdom and augment his natural glow. Living in the D.C. area, he also likes spending time visiting the local parks and feeding lettuce to any turtles he encounters, including Mitch McConnell. You can follow him on Twitter @jaywrong.

Read some of Jay's 685 posts

Late Games Live Thread, Week 2

by: Jay

Someone give the guy a cigarette and get it over with…

A pretty crowded afternoon slate today, highlighted by the Jaguars vs. Chargers game. Haha, just kidding. Also, not sure how I would type out a crying noise. Or the sound my fetal position makes. Honestly, it’s pretty much the Seahawks vs. Rams and Colts vs. Broncos show, but I’m let the deciding factor be the fact that Troy Aikman and Joe Buck are the crew for just one of those games. So Colts-Broncos game, here we go! Oh, what’s that? Jim Nantz and Phil Simms are handling that one? Oh, okay. Well then. Excuse me for a second. That being said, the Rams always seem to play their division rival Seahawks pretty close, handing them a some surprising upset wins the past few years. Surprising, as one team represents all the things you want out of a continually elite franchise with excellent results, and the other representing mediocrity and disappointingly low expectations year after year and a consistent and frustrating basis. Sure, you can be a person that loves rooting for the underdog, but when the underdog doesn’t even care all that much… and then we have the modernly “historic” (all the oxymoron points) game between the Colts and Broncos, a matchup that hasn’t featured Peyton Manning as either quarterback since 1993. So thanks for making me feel old!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Early Games Live Thread, Week 2

by: Jay

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Despite my complaints last week about some of the opening matchups being akin to choking on benzos (the Bills versus Ravens game still brings me into a yawn-state right at this moment), this morning’s schedule brings a bit more to the table. Sorta. I mean, yes, there are the aforementioned Ravens going against the Browns, which seems like a good time to take a nap. The Chiefs and Texans don’t seem terribly exciting. Even the 49ers at Panthers game doesn’t really do it for me, and that’s the 49ers fault. The Titans and Lions? That’s a big nope. But it’s hard to knock a day that starts out with some good ‘ole AFC North derp, which I’m sure the Bengals and Steelers will be happy to provide, and provide in large quantities. It’s tough for me, as I’m sure those who have read this site for a few years know that I find the NFC East derp to be both most satisfying and very often exemplifying the perfect levels of schadenfreude, but I would say the AFC North is a close second in that regard. Sure, the Browns are the Browns, but the levels the other three teams go to when facing off against each other to make sure we laugh and cry, often at the same time, is to be commended.

Couple things to note before we get started: First, if you haven’t done it yet, be sure to check out our new weekly projections to help set your lineups. If you are doing some DFS today (I’ll be doing DFS to your mother, if you know what I mean. *Wink, wink* I actually have no idea what that means…), check out our new DFSbot. Also, for all of you in our RCLs, we’ll have an update out next week with standings. I know they’re important, but we’ve been busy creating and implementing all of these new tools that were just talked about, so hopefully that’ll make up for it. And as always, our updated rankings are available after the jump!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Fitzmagic the Gathering

September 16, 2016 | 2016 Fantasy Football, 2016 News & Notes | 110 Comments

by: Jay

fitzmagicfumble

I’ll be honest, I was late turning on the game by about five minutes, and arrived to a replay of a stupid shovel pass by Ryan Fitzpatrick and a field goal. Honestly, the Jets had possession for like 14 minutes in the first quarter and was losing… Typical I said! But whoa, 67,000 points later, I was like, what in hell actually happened? Would this be the game that might actually remove the dreaded Thursday night curse of beyond-sh*tty football? Well, probably not, Phil Simms is still alive… baby steps though. In what was a sorta-kinda “color rush” game, also known as GANG LIME JELLO NEON RAVE GREEN game, the Jets actually wanted it both ways, going with their usual white with green uniforms for the sake of the color blind. All eight percent of you. Which is fine, but if you’re going to go all white, it better be something like K-Swiss or else I ain’t even gonna notice. And yes, the game’s final score of 37-31 seems closer than the game actually was (and was probably quadruple what the O/U from Vegas was), but we did find out some valuable information moving forward. First, the Jets defense kinda sucks. Second, I saw some personnel issues with the Bills. Those include: The Bills. Oh, there were also 13 total penalties this game, good for 109 yards. If only I had picked up the referees off waivers instead of the Jets defense…

Special Note: As you might notice after the jump, our new Player Pages are up and running (whenever a player’s full name is written, you’ll be able to click on it and be taken to a magical box of info and other nifty thingamajigs). Special thanks to Rudy for this brand new feature, and he’ll have a post on this later today delving into the development, his process, and what you can expect moving forward. It’ll probably be a bit more informative than calling them “thingamajigs”, that’s for sure. But if you want a quick look-see, check out my favorite player’s page!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Thursday Night Football Live Thread, Week 2: Jets vs. Bills

September 15, 2016 | 2016 Fantasy Football, 2016 Game Day Live Thread | 43 Comments

by: Jay

jets-fan-fist-pump-against-bills

Well, this is a matchup that makes me think: Man, what did I do this week to deserve this? And on a Thursday night no less! You know we’re going to see a 3-0 game here, and if we’re lucky, maybe it’ll be 6-3. I could even see a 1-0 game. Honestly. I mean, one can only hope that we get a safety out of this so we can at least have a few laughs. Oh, god, I almost forgot this marks the debut of Phil f*cking Simms, and his favorite enabler, Jim Nantz. What. The. Hell. Not only that, but we have a hobbled Sammy Watkins to deal with, Tyrod Taylor trying to climb himself back into relevance, and a Jets offense that’s more boring than Cris Collinsworth hyping up Tom Brady. I guess this is my way of telling you to make sure all your favorite alcohol beverages and antacids are stocked up. And probably get your ear plugs, and probably blindfolds in the ready position…

The rankings have been updated just now for tonight’s game, and can be found here.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Fantasy Football Rankings, Week 2

September 15, 2016 | 2016 Fantasy Football, 2016 Rankings, 2016 Weekly Rankings | 113 Comments

by: Jay

Year	Accuracy	Rank	Highest	Lowest	Percentile
Week 1	TBA	TBA	TBA	TBA	TBA
2015	57.5%	22 out of 123	59.9%	51.6%	Top 20%
2014	58.1%	31 out of 125	60.7%	50.6%	Top 25%

Welp, Week 1 was… interesting? I guess that’d be an apt descriptor. Unless you were a Keenan Allen owner. Then I would call it an excuse to catch some of that alcohol poisoning that’s been going around. I guess the same could be true of all you Tyrod Taylor hype-sters out there (no Von Miller, you stay the ef away man, I did not say hipster!), but let’s be honest, Sammy Watkins owners have it a bit worse. Regardless, we look to Week 2 as an affirmation that we’re all not crazy for drafting Todd Gurley, Dez Bryant, Devonta Freeman, etc., and we have now at least one week of games in the books to make numerical assumptions in the hopes of making the right decisions for our fantasy football teams. That was probably the more robust way of saying “hey guys, I watched some games, here are some more rankings”, but whatever. I got a lede to write, naw what I’m sayin’?

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Podcast: Tehol Seeks Emancipation from the Rodfather

September 14, 2016 | 2016 Fantasy Football, 2016 Podcast, Fantasy Football Podcast | 12 Comments

by: Jay

Welcome to the newest episode of the Razzball Football podcast! As the title alludes to in very obvious ways, not only do we go over some highlights from Week 1 and preview Week 2, but we also get a fully-fledged admittance that Tehol may have made a huge mistake by selling Tyrod Taylor to the masses. To be fair, all of us enabled him, so maybe the blame lies with us all? DEEP. Regardless, our amazing “production value” returns as Tehol once again braves the highway as a professional driver and talker at the same time, which made it sound like we recorded near an ocean. Only if that ocean was full of low-volume background static. Surf those electromagnetic radiation waves braaaah. I’m also happy to introduce a special conversation in the middle of the cast that I had with John Sahly, a senior writer over at Pro Football Weekly. We’re set to face off against each other in Pod Vader’s BlogTalkRadio League, and talk about not just our upcoming face-off, but what exactly a “fantasy expert” is. Hint: Not much! After that short reprieve, Tehol, Zach, and myself finish up our Week 2 previews. Enjoy the show!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

San Francisco Has Successful Gabbortion

September 13, 2016 | 2016 Fantasy Football, 2016 News & Notes | 157 Comments

by: Jay

brownthrust

I probably should have found a 49ers highlight to go with the title, but there weren’t any. I’m serious.

What a night of football! Said no one ever. In what was probably a taste of things to come for all future Monday Night Football games, the opening salvo of last night’s double-header extravaganza (the sarcasm is already palpable) of the Steelers versus Washington and the Rams versus the 49ers was all I needed to further convince me that Mondays in general should never exist. In an evening that started with some promise for Washington, they soon returned to their normal NFC East ways, and funny how that return also matched the return of O.G. Cousins. Which also seems like a cool rap name. The Steelers soon took over the game because that’s what happens when a NFL defense lets you do whatever you want. The fact that Washington are 2-15 at home on Monday nights and 5-20 in their last 25 primetime games might have something to do with it too. I’m not sure what, but that’s an astounding stat. And so last night, as that first game winded down, a sadness deep in my heart rose, anticipating what was soon to come. And that was the Rams and 49ers game, a battle that will probably end up determining which team reaches 5-11 and 4-12, respectively. God is good, some say, and I believe this is why I’m an atheist. And yeah, the Steelers and 49ers ended up winning, but I’m pretty sure we all lost for it. And one thing’s for sure, after Keenan Allen died, along with the Chargers morale for the rest of the season, I think we know which is the best California team now: the Raiders. And the Stanford Marching Band.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Monday Night Football Live Thread, Week 1: Steelers vs. Washington and Rams vs. 49ers

September 12, 2016 | 2016 Fantasy Football, 2016 Game Day Live Thread | 11 Comments

by: Jay

dsk

Ah yes, the dreaded Monday Night Football opener, showcasing four teams that you sorta-kinda are interested in, but not really and would probably just put on as background noise if this was Week 10. So basically any other Monday Night Football game not including the opener. While the concept is of a doubleheader on Monday is pretty cool, the execution of it isn’t, much like a queef. Why? Well, even though we still have a year of Chris Berman left, we still have to actually sit through a year of having Chris Berman. That’s check number one. Number two, this is the production team that gave you the Chip Kelly “Fast Tempo” clock when the Eagles played, marveling Jon Gruden and Mike Tirico by giving him a clock that basically counted up instead of down. Jesus. And this is also the same production crew that brought you a couple years of Ray Lewis’… whatever you call it. You say words, I say ear stabbings. He’s stabby. Not much you can do about that. True, they replaced him with Randy Moss, but really, if I still have to listen to Steve Young’s hot takes, I’m not sure where improvement will come from. At the very least, they actually do show football, the one redeeming feature of ESPN’s Monday presentation, and tonight we’re in for a special treat, a team with an alleged rapist quarterback, a team with a racist name, a team that strives for mediocrity on a yearly basis (Los Angeles will love that, I’m sure) and a team that’s just plain bad. Monday Night Football!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

The Pigskinator and DFSBot

September 12, 2016 | 2016 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Tools | 59 Comments

by: Jay

If you missed it this past weekend, we introduced a brand new tool called: The Pigskinator (along with a brand new DFSBot). If it sounds familiar, I blame Arnold Schwarzenegger (aka, the spellcheck destroyer). Also, it’s because this tool is based on the very successful and highly used Hitter-tron and Stream-o-Nator over on our Baseball site. The foundation of these tools, which can be found in our menu above, was based on either dark wizardry or black magic, depending on what level sorcerer Rudy is. I’m assuming he’s a level 96 dark mage, but I could be mistaken from how powerful his +9 to magic missile amulet is. I have no idea where this joke is going, but I’m sure the nerds loved it. Regardless, I’d like to kinda go over how I used the tools this past weekend, and how they might help you in a real sense. Other than a fake sense, which doesn’t seem helpful at all…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Keenan Allen, ACLU Alum

September 12, 2016 | 2016 Fantasy Football, 2016 News & Notes | 116 Comments

by: Jay

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Well, on a day where Jim Nantz called a pregame 9/11 memorial a 9/11 celebration, there really isn’t anywhere to go other than down… Or maybe I’m just talking in the context of the Chargers. And yes, I think I’ve written this before, but as one of the few Chargers fans in the industry (there are dozes of us, dozens!), I actually try really hard not to wax poetic about this team, an anti-bias if you will. (Except for Philip Rivers, he’s a flower.) Though, it could also be because injuries and disappointment have been a yearly routine for the Chargers, so plugging in a fork is probably more preferable than writing about them. Regardless, I only try to focus on them when it is absolutely necessary, because, believe me, I’d rather not write about how they lost yesterday despite having a 24-point lead at the half, nor would I want to mention that the Chiefs had the biggest comeback in franchise history, especially since both of those things would probably put someone like myself on suicide watch… But I do probably need to discuss Keenan Allen‘s non-contact knee injury that occurred before the half, which required a cart and hospital visit. It has now been confirmed to be an ACL tear, and based on my extensive health knowledge and degree in orthopedics (haha, my mother wishes!), I can come to the determination that this is bad. Like, season-ending bad. Also, knees continue to be a weak point in human anatomy. Also possibly groins. And this will not only cause ripple effects in football, but fantasy football as well. I think it’s fair to assume that Allen will be out the rest of the year, and here’s who will be affected positively by it: Travis Benjamin, Tyrell Williams, and Dontrelle Inman. To a lesser extent? Antonio Gates and Danny Woodhead. Here’s who will be affected negatively by it: My liver.

We’ll go over it a bit more along with all the other news and notes from yesterdays games after the jump…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Sunday Night Football Live Thread, Week 1: Patriots vs. Cardinals

September 11, 2016 | 2016 Fantasy Football, 2016 Game Day Live Thread | 19 Comments

by: Jay

johnbrowntdcel

Real question, is this the first Sunday Night Football game of the week, or is this the second? True, I believe you could technically call the game a few days ago Thursday Night Football, because, you know, the game was on Thursday. But we didn’t get the “NFL/CBS” production, a combination that I still believe is the end of the world as we know it. Trust me, every time I see Phil Simms open his mouth at Jim Nantz’s bidding, tell me you don’t see visions of a huge asteroid hitting the earth… I sure do. Then again, you could probably consider it a blessing in that situation. Regardless, we got the NBC production crew, and I’m actually trying to recall how they addressed themselves on that day. I’m sure they called it Thursday Night Football, but I don’t really have any recollection. It could be because Cris Collinsworth causes me to go into a medically-induced coma whenever he starts talking about his loving relationship with offensive lineman. WE GET IT CRIS, YOU’RE IN LOVE. KISS ALREADY. But at this point, I think it’s safe to say that I was able to fill enough space in the lede without talking about the actual game, because honestly, there is no Tom Brady and Rob Gronkowski, and it’s at Arizona. I’m pretty sure I know how this going to go…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Late Games Live Thread, Week 1

September 11, 2016 | 2016 Fantasy Football, 2016 Game Day Live Thread | 27 Comments

by: Jay

It's gonna be a long year for these Cowboys...

I have to admit, after including some thoughts on today’s remembrance in our earlier live thread, I think the pre-ceremonies around the league were handled pretty nicely for an event that will forever live in infamy. (Hey, if you’re going to quote someone, might as well be one of the best.) And speaking of the today’s earlier live thread, I would be remiss not to mention again that while I’m completely ecstatic that football has returned, and even doubly ecstatic (is that a thing?) that my Chargers are looking pretty good right now against the Chiefs, that for the general NFL fan, there really wasn’t any premiere matchups to open up the first Sunday of the regular season. No pizzazz. No jazz hands, if you will. And if you didn’t know, Football and jazz hands are like pees and carrots, Jet Li and Delroy Lindo, Tom Brady and uggs,… you get the point. But does the afternoon slate give us a bit more in terms of storylines and rivalries? I feel like it’s a resounding MAYBE. That’s how we do resounding here folks, all caps. Forget the Dolphins and Seahawks, or even the Lions and Colts, no, the focus should be on the NFC East matchup between the Giants and Cowboys. Romoless Cowboys, sure, but with all the derp you get from this division, you basically had me at “NFC Eeee”. Speak no further, I’M F*CKING IN. We’ll see the debut of Dax Prescott, Eli Manning consistently throwing it 10 feet away from Odell Beckham Jr. just to see what happens, and of course Troy Aikman and Joe Buck. The last one isn’t really a highlight, but more a cry for help. Or, you know, a reminder to use horse tranquilizers to get through it all…

Please, blog, may I have some more?