Author: Jay

Jay is a longtime Razzball everything who consumes an egregious amount of Makers Mark as a vehicle to gain wisdom and augment his natural glow. Living in the D.C. area, he also likes spending time visiting the local parks and feeding lettuce to any turtles he encounters, including Mitch McConnell. You can follow him on Twitter @jaywrong.

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That Was So Very Houston of the Texans

by: Jay

In a surprising turn of events for Thursday Night Football, this game was actually semi-entertaining. I’m saying “semi” because I don’t want to get too crazy here, seeing as how there were plenty of trademarks for a Thursday game present. But there was some offense, and a lot of it came from old people. Matt Hasselbeck, Frank Gore, Andre Johnson, and Adam Vinatieri all directly contributed to the Colts victory, combining their centuries of experience in the NFL into spry performances. However, the more direct contributions to a crucial Colts victory came from Brian Hoyer (and the ineffective Texans defense). After Ryan Mallet was pulled because Arian Foster whiffed on a catch (Bill O’Brien logic!), we saw an accurate, decisive, and competent three quarters from Hoyer. And then, on a potential game-tying drive at the two minute warning, complete and utter derp (shown above) happened. It’s essentially what Brett Favre could do so well (not counting cell phone technology) back in the day. And as the Colts once again get rewarded for mediocrity by being in the worst division in football (for at least 15 years now), the Texans continue to be the posterchild for the modern day NFL: If you don’t have a quarterback, you’re f*cked.

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Thursday Night Football Live Thread, Week 5: Colts vs. Texans

by: Jay

In a legendary battle between Matt Hasselbeck (with the added bonus of recovering from a viral infection, which I’m just assuming is called “getting old”) and Ryan Mallet, the Colts will hope to hold onto an already tumultuous season against a division rival that’s been their personal punching bag for the last decade. Andrew Luck is still experiencing shoulder “pain”, even though he’s been throwing well this week in practice. Then again, sitting Luck seems to be the “big picture” decision that I would normally support. Though, this type of mindset seems odd coming from a franchise that hasn’t noticed issues on their offensive and defensive lines for about three years now (or the past twenty, if you think about it). But the Texans seem to be impressed with the Colts front office decision-making so much that they themselves have chosen to waste away the career of probably one of the best modern-day defensive players with attaching mediocre everything around J.J. Watt. Except at the quarterback position. No, the Texans always find a way to turn that position into a complete and utter dumpster fire. So here we are, two mediocre teams resting their hopes on one Matt Hasselbeck and one Ryan Mallet… yup, sounds like peak Thursday Night Football to me!

Rankings have been updated for tonight game and can be found here.

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Rankings, Week 5: The First Quarter

October 8, 2015 | 2015 Fantasy Football, 2015 Weekly Rankings | 124 Comments

by: Jay

Period	Accuracy	Rank	High	Low	Percentile
Week 4	56.4%	12 out of 135	59.9%	41.1%	Top 10%
Week 3	59.1%	18 out of 134	65.0%	42.1%	Top 15%
Week 2	53.4%	85 out of 135	65.2%	46.2%	Top 65%
Week 1	56.8%	54 out of 137	62.8%	46.3%	Top 40%
2015	56.4%	23 out of 132	59.4%	48.3%	Top 20%
2014	58.1%	31 out of 125	60.7%	50.6%	Top 25%

As the title spoiled (SORRY!), the first quarter of the season is now complete (which means our Rest of Season Rankings have been released!), and I’m proud to say that our last two weeks were stellar. Last week’s rankings finished 12th overall, good for the top 10%, bringing our in-season numbers close to the top-20. I usually don’t like to pat myself on the back, even though God created arms for that purpose and that purpose only (okay, okay, arms are also good for arm wrestling), but my success means your success. So, I can be a boastful (and a quite handsome) fella, just as long as it’s for a good cause. I’m okay with this. At this time, I want to add that I’m a kind-hearted, amazing person that deserves your reverence. Which is the best segue ever, because I know it’s all fun and games, and, you know, yo momma jokes here at Razzball, but I did want all of you to consider donating to the Red Cross. Millions of refugees are fleeing conditions in Syria, Iraq and Afghanistan because of profound and abhorrent violence and persecution. Not to get too serious, but helping these people is a big deal to me, and if you can spare anything, whatever the amount, it’s meaningful. Alright, alright, let’s get back to the good stuff… Like yo momma.

Here are your Week 5 Rankings:

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2015 Rest of Season Rankings

October 7, 2015 | 2015 Fantasy Football, 2015 Fantasy Football Rankings | 149 Comments

by: Jay

Period	Accuracy	Rank	High	Low	Percentile
2015	56.4%	23 out of 132	59.4%	48.3%	Top 20%
2014	58.1%	31 out of 125	60.7%	50.6%	Top 25%

A lot has changed in a month, oh, hold on… I’m sorry, just one second here, let me take off my captain’s hat. It takes so long to remove because of how big it is. I think it’s probably since the word “obvious” is in, like, size 840 font. As I was saying, it feels like years (DECADES EVEN!) since we’ve gone back and updated the preseason rankings. And there’s a reason for that. I’m just not a huge movement guy early in the season, probably because of the profound lack of fiber in my diet. I hesitate making reactionary moves, and I’d rather see how things play out in a majority of scenarios in Fantasy Football. Much like Fantasy Baseball, I want to see how things stew a bit before making wholesale changes, and to be honest, I would love you to do the same. Now, unlike baseball, waiting 20 games or so for trends to emerge wouldn’t work here, as you’d be making roster changes around Super Bowl time… just a little bit tardy there. Just a little. But taking the beginning of the season in a 4-game increment can be beneficial for your mind, body, soul, and probably loins. There’s science to back this up, I swear.

Here are Razzball’s Rest of Season Rankings for 2015:

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Supreme Chancellor

October 6, 2015 | 2015 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Daily Notes | 68 Comments

by: Jay

This game was like my sex life in that I missed half of it, had no idea what was going on, and didn’t particularly care about either of the parties involved… Until the ending. In what was your run-of-the-mill Monday Night Football affair until the last few minutes of regulation, I guess I should have known better in a game featuring the Lions that something profound and utterly incomprehensible was going to happen. And boy did they deliver. After capitalizing on a corner blitz which forced a Russell Wilson fumble and a fatman touchdown, the Lions drove all the way in Seattle territory down 13-10 with minutes left to go. It had all the makings of a late Seahawks collapse… and then Megaderp happened (shown above). Catching the ball and trying to forcing his way into endzone, Kam Chancellor knocked the ball out of Calvin Johnson’s hand, which was immediately batted out of bounds for a touchback by Seattle’s K.J. Wright. And thus it was… Seattle’s season has rebounded a bit and the Lions are now on pace to be the usual Lions we know and love. Can they once again achieve the feat of 0-16? Only time and lots of alcohol can tell…

#NFL tells ESPN Lions should have been given the ball goal to go in Seattle. Back judge makes wrong call in same end zone as #FAILMARY. Wow.

— Mike Clemens (@MikeClemensNFL) October 6, 2015

Oh Lions…

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Monday Night Football, Week 4: Lions vs. Seahawks

October 5, 2015 | 2015 Fantasy Football, 2015 GameDay Notes | 22 Comments

by: Jay

A last minute intake of Skittles wasn’t enough to fix Marshawn Lynch’s hamstring this past weekend, so the Seahawks will be hosting the Lions for Monday Night Football without their star running back. But that’s okay, because they have this thing called Jimmy Graham, who, if you didn’t know, used to play basketball. They also have a Kam Chancellor back, his second game now, who is a prominant part of the infamous “Legion of Boom”, which… has lost a little bit of the boom lately, but none of their boom-mouth or boom-swagger. But at least Richard Sherman has found other hobbies, like buying pizza with his phone. Hey, some people need goals to motivate them, so I hope that biting a piece of pizza will help him not bite on double-moves so often. They also have a thing called Thomas Rawls, who rushed for 104 yards agains the Bears in Week 3. To be fair though, I could probably rush 100+ yards against the Bears. But with the Lions at a dangerous precipice at 0-3, they find themselves in a desperate situation with the possibility of falling four games behind the 4-0 Packers. To be fair though, that seems like familiar territory for the Lions… Oh, and as a former resident of over eight years in the fine city of Seattle, please, don’t come out of this game thinking the only two things we have in the city is the Space Needle and people throwing fish. DON’T BELIEVE THEIR LIES.

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Can Romonobyl Happen if Romo Isn’t in the Game?

October 5, 2015 | 2015 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Daily Notes | 81 Comments

by: Jay

In what was a interesting-because-it-was-close-but-sorta-kinda-boring-anyways Sunday Night Football game, Dallas once again proved that they are two different teams depending on which half it is. It’s almost as if they are preserving the long-held tradition of Romonobyl. An homage, if you will. While the Saints are hanging on to dear life and Brees’ busted shoulder with an 1-3 record, they’d be hard pressed to catch up with the surging Falcons and Panthers as the season progresses. I’m actually still bewildered by the fact that NFC South teams are actually capable of surging. That being said, the Cowboys find themselves in the untenable position of having everything needed to dominate a weak NFC East, but having those things injured for more than half the season (including Lance Dunbar tearing his ACL last night). The Giants were gifted a win against Buffalo, who had 17 penalties, and the Eagles were beaten unresoundingly by Washington. These teams are not good at all, and hilariously any one of them can take the division. But like the Cowboys, none of them seem to want it. Almost like some kind of derpy game of hot potato. Now that I think about it, this is actually peak NFC East. Carry on…

Here’s what else I saw in Week 4:

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Sunday Night Football Live Thread, Week 4: Cowboys vs. Saints

October 4, 2015 | 2015 Fantasy Football, 2015 GameDay Notes | 7 Comments

by: Jay

Welcome to another Sunday Night Football game, this time featuring the Dallas Cowboys versus the Denver Broncos. Wait, what’s that you say? The Broncos aren’t playing? Oh, my bad. Must be a bad habit I developed with every primetime game featuring the Broncos. Regardless, a special shoutout should go to Drew Brees for making this not a game of Brandon Weeden going against Luke McCown. If the Blake Bortles and Matt Hasselback game earlier today was any king of indication, I probably would have been seduced by the sweet escape of seppuku by half-time. Sure, Brandon Weeden is still part of the equation, but it could have been so much worse. So much. And Brees return couldn’t come back any sooner, with the Saints already 0-3 and Atlanta (and Carolina) winning earlier in the day almost guarantees that there won’t be sub-.500 playoff team to allow their mediocrity and slow start to be bailed out. I say “almost” because this is the NFC South and I wouldn’t actually be surprised if the Falcons finished first in the division going 4-12. On the flipside, the Cowboys are trying to hold on until Dez Bryant and Tony Romo return, by Week 7 and Week 11, respectively, if things go right. However, based on how their season has gone thus far, I’d add about 15 more weeks to those projections…

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Late Games Live Thread, Week 4

October 4, 2015 | 2015 Fantasy Football, 2015 GameDay Notes | 24 Comments

by: Jay

In a match-up that has featured some really good games, both during the regular season and the playoffs, today’s game will try it’s hardest to destroy those fond memories as a momentum-riddled Packers team will go against a 49ers team that’s struggling not to be the new Browns. While I would normally say they have no chance at this enormous feat, you know, because the old Browns are still doing their darnedest to be the new Browns, the Colin Kaepernick-led 49ers are trying to find new depths in which to bury themselves in. They’ve given up over 40-points two straight weeks, resembling something I’d see while playing NFL Blitz. While the Packers are suffering a bit from the injuries to Davante Adams, and to a lesser extent, Eddie Lacy, the resurgence of James Jones has helped baffle everyone on how he was able to go from ridiculously bad to ridiculously good, (but sometimes bad) so fast. What I’m basically saying is, Aaron Rodgers is good at football.

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Early Games Live Thread, Week 4

October 4, 2015 | 2015 Fantasy Football, 2015 GameDay Notes | 90 Comments

by: Jay

I had always thought that spreading the sport of football to Great Britain was seemingly a waste of time. Finally, I can say that the NFL agrees with me. By sending the Jets and Dolphins to London it almost assuredly guarantees that the NFL will spread like frozen butter. Yes, that’s the best I could come up with. On top of having to wake up earlier than normal to start watching football (first world problems), we also have our first bye week to contend with, losing such powerhouse franchises like the Patriots and, uh… the Titans (THEY ARE THE BESTEST FRANCHISE EVER) this weekend. However, there are still some intriguing Early Game match-ups, including the Giants vs. Bills, and Derpfest 2015: Eagles vs. Washington. There’s also a Raiders vs. Bears game, just in case you needed more “stabbing your eyes with the nearest sharp object” in your life. So what I’m basically saying is, my alcohol consumption will be beginning at 9:30 A.M. EDT today. Thanks NFL!

Rankings have been updated for today’s game and you can find them here.

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Let the Eliteness Wash Over You

October 2, 2015 | 2015 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Daily Notes | 88 Comments

by: Jay

During last night’s live thread, I queried: Which Michael Vick would show up? The “watch me earn salary I’m going to do nothing to justify” Vick, or the “I’m going to trigger my disability insurance” Vick. Turns out, it was a little bit of both. I mean, let’s be honest, you can take Michael Vick out of the Jets, but can you really take the Jets out of Michael Vick? While the Ravens 2015 season is still on life-support with a resoundingly dull win in overtime (special thanks to Josh Scobee for doing his best Josh Scobee impersonation, missing like 80 field goals, and all of them in the fourth quarter), it was nice to see Justin Forsett is actually alive and quite well. I had assumed he was legally declared dead, but the gaining of positive yardage was enough evidence to change my opinion on that matter. Despite all of that, watching Scobee slowly (or quickly, depending on how you viewed the game) get into the unemployment line combined with Vick’s underwhelming performance, along with Joe Flacco’s elite everything, all topped off with the worst decision-making by coaches in a long time… well, I’m going to go ahead and call last nights game “Physically Impossible”. Because it sucked and blowed at the same time…

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Thursday Night Football Live Thread, Week 4: Ravens vs. Steelers

October 1, 2015 | 2015 Fantasy Football, 2015 GameDay Notes | 43 Comments

by: Jay

Stay classy Baltimore!

In what will be the official debut of “Don’t Give a Sh*t Era” Michael Vick, the 0-3 Ravens travel to Pittsburgh to see if their team is interested in a getting a win. Strangely enough, this was the first ever winless September for the Ravens. Unless you count in terms of public relations, then I would say, based on the picture above, that last season’s September winless record is still intact. The Steelers have their own set of issues with the aforementioned Michael Vick starting with Ben Roethlisberger suffering a MCL sprain last Sunday. While I’m sure still having Antonio Brown and Le’Veon Bell is nothing to scoff at, it’ll be interesting to see which Vick shows up tonight; will it be the “watch me earn salary I’m going to do nothing to justify” type of game or “I’m going to trigger my disability insurance” type of game. You’d think both would be similar performances, but then you’d be wrong. The game will probably come down to how productive Le’Veon Bell is, now his second official game coming off his suspension. Logic dictates that since Justin Forsett has been an absolute dumpster fire that the Ravens would not be familiar enough with the concept of a running game to be able to defend against it, but I guess we’ll see. On the bright side, the Ravens do have an elite quarterback…

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