Want to nab him and hold onto him? Go on sexy britches, take a lesson from my playbook and Welcome back my lovelies, to another week of Hit it or Quit it. I honestly have to say that Week 5 has been the most carnage-inducing week thus far. The Black Widow Curse was certainly back and in full-on raging b*tch mode. Probably because she had been pretty quiet in Week 4. B*tches be trippin’ like that sometimes. But alas, here we are. I managed to make it out alive this week, but I know most of you are still laying in your kitchens with your heads in the oven. Don’t fret, my loves. I have always been here to satisfy all of your needs and this week is no exception. So, let’s cut through all the foreplay here, shall we? Bust out the lube and get ready. I present to you Week 6’s edition of Hit it or Quit it.

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Hello my loves! Welcome back to another rendition of Hit it or Quit it. How was your week? Did you manage to avoid arrest for indecent exposure? Yes? What is wrong with you? You need to step your game up then, otherwise we can’t be lovers anymore. I had a fairly decent week until I got bent over and did raw in one of my leagues when I wasn’t notified that Michael Crabtree was out and ended up starting him. It handed me my first loss in that league and yeah, I am still salty about getting a case of the CRABtrees. Alas, such is my life. I am still sitting ontop of all of the men in that league, so the view is pretty sweet. Wait, that sounded dirty…heh, heh, heh… Now, I am sure you are all here because, like the song of the Siren, you couldn’t pull yourself away. Again, it is understandable, I am pretty awesome after all. In a week where the Black Widow Curse was pretty quiet (probably from all that man flesh she feasted on in Week 3), it is not guaranteed how long her satiety will last. So, with that, let’s get down to business and stop all this pillow talk. Ladies and gentlemen, convicts and degenerates, ask and ye shall receive. I give you, Hit it or quit it, Week 5…

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Well hello my lovelies!  I am so sorry I missed you all last week, but hopefully Matt Bowe took good care of you in my absence.  I know that no one can love you as much as I do, but sometimes a little variety is needed.  I know I left you in capable hands.  With that being said, how did you all fare this past week?  Me?  Well, not so well.  It seems that it took all of three weeks into the season before my Black Widow Curse decided to decimate half of one of my rosters.  It’s okay, I can adapt.  It would be nice to have a man who can actually finish for once though (in more ways than one) to the actual end without having to tap out prematurely.  But, c’est la vie.  I know you are all eager to see what I come back with this week because I know you are all hungry for what I have to offer you, and it is understandable.  I am quite addictive, I know.  It’s a curse in and of itself sometimes, but alas, what’s a girl to do?  Are you ready?  Are your hammies all stretched out and those little blue pills have been downed?  If so, let’s get this party started, shall we?  Ladies and gentlemen, convicts and parolees, I give you, Week 4’s edition of Hit It or Quit It!

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Welcome back my faithful Horde, to another season of my sexual innuendo-laced musings! Wow, what a Week 1 it has been, huh? My Black Widow curse didn’t seem to waste any time this season and came out PMS’d ovaries a’blazin’! Yours truly made it out of Week 1 unscathed, but I can’t say the same for the rest of you poor bastards. I’m sorry; you know it comes with the territory and with loving me. It could be worse…she could have a more vengeful sister, so be grateful that her PMS only happens for 16 weeks. Okay, sometimes it takes a week off, but only when she has feasted and is satiated. So, how did your respective drafts go? Did you get all your needs met? Me? Not too shabby, although in two leagues I was stuck at the 12 pick again. I am starting to think that the choosing system is a bit misogynistic, but I can hang. I am afraid that this week’s article is going to be a little predictable, since most of the quits are the ones who went down (and not in a good way) but hopefully I can satisfy all of your desires with this week’s hits. So, without further ado, why don’t you sit back, put your feet up, and prepare to be transported into my world. Ladies and gentlemen, inmates and ex-cons, let’s begin another year of Hit it or quit it.

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EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ - AUGUST 09: Wide receiver Victor Cruz #80 of the New York Giants looks on prior to a preseason game against the Pittsburgh Steelers at MetLife Stadium on August 9, 2014 in East Rutherford, New Jersey. (Photo by Alex Trautwig/Getty Images)

Well, here we are ladies and gentlemen, convicts and inmates, perverts and peepers, Week 13 of the 2016 Fantasy Football season. This also marks my last article for the year as many of you will be on your own as the season winds down. I hope that you will all be able to manage without my weekly doses of awesomeness until next Fall, but many of you continue to have masturbation shrines to me in your basements, so it’ll be like I never left. How are we doing? Me, I have about three out of five leagues where I still have a shot at taking home the Shiva thanks to the waiver wire, some good old-fashioned voodoo, and a couple of human sacrifices. Let’s just say, Jobu has had more than a few refills this year, but hey, whatever works, right? Now that we are down to the wire, there are some really slim pickin’s on many of the waiver wires and my Black Widow Curse continues to feast on man-flesh, but on the bright side, she is also allowing some people to make it back from oblivion and certain doom, so there is a silver lining, I suppose. Let’s see what magic I can work for you this week and give you that extra fluffing to boldly make that erect march into your 2016 Fantasy League stardom. Without further ado, I give you the last 2016 edition of Hit it or Quit it

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Well, well, well, look whose back!  It is me, your fearless Fantasy Football Goddess!  Yes, it is true that I had abandoned all of you the past few weeks.  Let this be a lesson to all of you, never, and I mean NEVER travel to Yemen with 2 kilos of hash stowed away in your hooter.  At least, not unless you have an endless supply of money to throw at the Yemeni (is that a word?) government to let you out.  So, needless to say, I am finally back in the states, hooter is back to its normal shape and size, and I am a better person for it.  All in all, it was an experience and I am happy to say that I learned that 2 kilos is 1.5 kilos too much.  So how are we all doing?  It’s been a rough few weeks in the fantasy realm, I see.  I have taken quite a beating myself (body cavity searches aside) and I am at that point in the season where I am throwing in Jose at running back.  You all know Jose.  He was the groundskeeper that I picked up last year and held onto in a lifetime keeper league.  Sure, he doesn’t put up quite the points that I would expect him to, but hey, he puts up more points than most, am I right?  Well, since I know you are all chomping at the bit to hear what gospel I have to bestow upon you this week, I will delay no more.  Here you are, my loyal horde, Week 11’s Hit it or Quit it.

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Welcome back, my loyal Horde. We are almost at the halfway point in the season and up until now, things have been pretty busy. Speaking of busy, wow, what an eventful week it has been this past week, right?. It seems that my Black Widow Curse was out in full force in Week 6 and I lost quite a few people, including my starting quarterback. Sorry Ben, nothing personal but at least now you know what it feels like to fall victim to something more powerful than you. Kind of like the co-eds you…oh, wait, I’m going to take the high road here (fill in the blanks if you will). I have to admit, by far, this is one of the worst Fantasy Football seasons I have ever been a part of, if not the worst. I can’t seem to pull a win out of anywhere (and believe me, I’ve tried). My booms are busts and my busts are busts. I am just heaving with such ample bust(s) (in more ways than one) that it’s a wonder that I can get anything done. Oh, the pains of loving something that completely abuses you every week and doesn’t love you back. Now I know how the men I have dated feel. But, it is what it is, and like some women, I am hoping to stay in this thing long enough to change things for the better, but we all know how that works out. I’m going to keep trying though. Not just for me, you see, but for all of you, my loving and trusting horde. Without you, I am still pretty amazing, but you give me some purpose. So, without further ado, let’s see what I can do to satisfy your weekly craving for me by giving you Hit it or Quit it, Week 7.

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Welcome back, my Horde!  What an eventful week it has been.  On one hand, I did manage to survive my trip to “Filthadelphia” this past week, but it seems that I am on a terrible fantasy losing streak these past 2 weeks and can’t seem to catch a break.  Even the waiver wire was not kind to me this past week and I am convinced that it is now in cahoots with my Black Widow Curse.  C’est la vie.  The Fantasy Gods giveth, and most of the time they taketh away.  So, how are all of you this week?  Beaten, battered, and bruised?  No?  Then perhaps you need to experiment a little more, and I don’t just mean with your rosters, but I digress.  It also looks like my Black Widow Curse feasted on some more tasty man-flesh this week, so I am sure you all have quite a few holes to fill (which may be a new concept for some of you).  So, let’s get down to business, shall we because time is money, and honey, I ain’t cheap.  Ladies and gentlemen, convicts and inmates, perverts and weirdos, I give you what you all have been waiting with baited breath for…the Week 6 edition of Hit it or Quit it!

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Welcome back, my Horde!  I am sorry that I once again had to leave you in the lurch last week.  I know how you so depend on your weekly interactions with me, not only for spank bank fodder, but your required human socialization as well.  It turns out that Mother Goddess was ill and being the sensational daughter that I am, she had to come before all of your perverted needs.  Needless to say, she is on the mend and has given me permission to attend to your needs now.  Ugh, it is so trying being so in demand, but I understand your addiction.  I am quite charming, after all.  So, first things first, how did you fare in Week 4?  Me? Not so good.  I was beaten so badly that Chris Brown Tweeted that he had nothing to do with it and was nowhere around me at the time.  I swear.  Look it up.  I am chalking this week’s shellacking up to being a good daughter and not prioritizing Fantasy Football over Mother Goddess’s health and well-being.  So, for those of you who went up against me this past week, enjoy the freebee, because I don’t come cheap.  I also managed to lose some of my muscle on my teams to my Black Widow Curse, so it is good to know that at least that is consistent.  I am sure that you all got nailed too (and not in a good way).  So, without further ado, let’s see what I can do to assist you in repairing your damaged rosters with this week’s edition of Hit it or quit it, Week 5.

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Welcome back, my Horde, to another edition of your weekly vice, Hit it or quit it.  Well, it looks like I managed to make it to Week 2 before my Black Widow Curse cost me some of my players.  Not to mention that I got my ass beat so hard in all of my leagues this week that even Ray Rice thought that the pounding I took was excessive.  It was definitely a rough one, but thankfully, I am someone who likes it rough.  And knowing all of you (the way I think I do) you like it rough too.  I hate to say it, but I really do love it when I end the season with pretty much a whole new roster than what I originally drafted and actually come out on top.  Now is our time to shine and really work over the rest of the people in our leagues.  So, without further foreplay, let’s get down to business and see what we can do with each other in this week’s edition of Hit it or Quit it, Week 3.

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