Andy Dalton
So week one is done and in the books. We now know what every player and team will do every week from here on out. You don’t even need me to give my input on this week, to be honest. Go look back at those first few games, extrapolate and boom: profit. If only the world worked that way. I mean, John Kuhn gonna have a 16 TD year, right? Right…well there is one thing I think we can hang our hat on from year to year: my penis. I’m sorry, that was lewd. And kind of painful. You didn’t tell me it was a beer helmet with two full tallboys! No, what we can hang our hats on are stats: specifically home/road splits. And with that, we’re here to discuss Andy Dalton, aka the Red Rocket. What, you’ve never heard of someone calling him the Red Rocket? Clearly you read nothing of what I wrote last year, then. It’s alright, I didn’t either so all is forgiven. Dalton’s splits over the last couple of years have shown he’s a vastly better play at home than on the road. Looking specifically at last year, he had a 20:9 TD to INT ratio compared with a 13:11 line on the road as well as a +17.5 QB rating swing when enjoying the Cincy confines. Of course, splits only tell half the tale. Who is he facing, you ask? The Atlanta Failcons. You see it? See what I did there? Now Atlanta isn’t the same team as last year so pointing out they gave up the 4th most fantasy points to opposing QBs last year isn’t saying much. But they did give up half of the mark of the beast to Drew Brees last weekend with 333 passing yards and I don’t see a reason to think they’ll slow down Dalton this weekend. Welcome to Gingernnati, snitches! I’m all over this red head this week like Hermione Granger on Ronald Weasley. The fact that he’s priced outside of the top 10 QBs on DraftKings at $7,500 is quite baffling to me to say the least but I’m not gonna complain. With that, let’s move on. Here are Razzball’s picks for the week 2 slate for DraftKings 2014 Fantasy Football season…

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 10 team league of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It lets us know that you care!

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Greetings all. I’m here for the first of many DraftKings posts. And by ‘many’ I mean ‘once a week for 17 weeks’. Sounds daunting, I know. Wanna know what’s even more daunting? Trying to write this up two weeks in advance. Yes, you’re talking to August Sky when you comment on here. Well, it will really be September Sky in the comments but he’s commenting for August Sky from here. Do you know how hard it is to be split personalities based on months in the same post? The United States of Tara got nuthin on me! And why am I writing so far into the past you ask? Well, I have a few reasons…32 of’um to be exact. You see, I’m on the final leg of the #32in32in32 tour with Nick Capozzi starting on the 30th of August. That’s in Chicago and here’s me pointing at the spot on that sweet Razzball tour bus where Chicago is just in case regular maps confuse you. I won’t be home until after the first game of the year so I’m thinking ahead and getting the goods to you in a reasonable amount of time, ya dig? So apologies in advance if my info seems more dated than my cultural references. I’m doing my best! But now that we have that covered, let’s go even further into the past. Here’s my Pump & Primer post from earlier this August. It’s a great stop for those of you who are wondering just what the heck this DraftKings business is. BTW, you’ll notice I keep giving you a hyperlink for DraftKings…see I did it again! That’s your ticket to the $100,000 play action tournament care of Razzball if you’re a first time DK’er. And by clicking on that link and signing up through us, you let DK know that we sent you which lets them know we like them. It’s like Valentine’s Day and we’re secret DK admirers and you’re the box of chocolates we’re sending with a note attached saying ‘I wanna make sweet, sweet love to you down by the fire on a polar bearskin rug’. So it’s a win, win situation. Minus the staples you got from the attached note. Sorry about that, we’ll use tape next time. But you’ve already got a DK account, you say, but want something tempting from this post? Well how about Razzball’s 20 Team Week 1 DK Challenge? I reserved my seat back in August, where have you been? But of course, now that we’ve covered the pimping, let’s get to the playing and namely, playing against a bad defense. You see, the Cowboys were easily one of the worst defenses last year. I know, I know, don’t hang your hat on last year’s stats. But what did the Cowboys do to improve? By getting rid of DeMarcus Ware? Last time I checked, losing your best defensive player doesn’t improve your squad. This team is a mess and Jerry Jones is out there doing bathroom selfies in lewd ways to try and forget that he owns it. Speaking of owning, that’s what Colin Kaepernick will do come Sunday. Though I’m not the biggest Kaep guy for the year, I do think this matchup is for him to go hog-wild in given the set up. Colin finishing the day with 30+ points wouldn’t surprise me in the slightest and he’s not even priced in the top five QBs for the day. By the end of the day, Colin will have you saying ‘Oh Kaep-tain, my Kaep-tain, our fearful trip is done, The ship has weather’d every rack, the prize we sought is won’. And not to get all sappy on you but yes, that’s my Robin Williams shout out. Gonna miss you, Mork. Now on with the week one picks for DraftKings contests for 2014 Fantasy Football…

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Greetings Earthlings, I have decided to descend from the heavens to give unto you the secrets of the DraftKings life. And by ‘descend’ I mean ‘go down a flight of stairs’ and by ‘from the heavens’, I mean from the second floor of my house. It’s hot up there right now! I’ll just type this down on the coolest floor of the house, thank you very much. If you’re not familiar with the baseball side of Razzball, well you’re probably just a football junkie through and through. I’m fine with that. But I did do a similar write up this year for the MLB side of this Daily Fantasy Sports universe so if you by chance did read the Primer and the Pumped editions, you might see some cross over. Yes, I might even be copying and pasting whole paragraphs. But you can’t plagiarize yourself, can you? Who would object? You won’t see me hauling myself to the principle’s office by my own ear…unless it leads to YouTube hits, of course. I’m all about the cash money! The point being is that though the sports are different, the similarities are still there in terms of knowledge base. Since this will be for people who aren’t familiar with DraftKings or the idea of Daily Fantasy, I want to do a quick reach out in the intro to those who are here for just the important parts. First important part: sign up for DraftKings through that link there. First time depositors get a free entry into the week 1, $100K Play Action Tournament. If you already have an account, well send your friends on over to sign up through us as well. The second important part is DK will be the lead article Wednesday Mornings throughout the season so tune in for the fun. Thirdly, if you’d like to know what got my motor running about DraftKings and how to get the strategy down, @BalesFootball has a fantastic e-book series available on Amazon called ‘Fantasy Football For Smart People’. I strongly suggest it even if you’re a seasoned veteran in the Daily Fantasy biz. And with that, I’m spent! Let’s get down to the getting down and cover some ins and outs of the DraftKings world for 2014 Fantasy Football…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I hath arrived, my children! Wait, where are the doves? I told you I wanted to come back to the releasing of doves like I was on a John Woo set, Jay, and all I see are bread crumbs and a bunch of pigeons. I get it, we’re a little more low budget here than the Razzball Baseball side of things but it’s bad enough you couldn’t take the brown M&M’s out of the bowl before taking them to my trailer. And speaking of trailer, where did this rust bucket come from? Like, did you buy this off some yokel from West Virginia? Smells like someone’s been cooking meth in here…but I guess I’m already on set so enough with the complaining. Though I DO expect at least a cheese plate at this point, thank you very much. Anyways, the last time I was around these parts, I was saying my sad and tearful goodbyes as the lead writer over here but did promise I’d be back in the Fall. Well, if you can have Christmas in July, why can’t you have Fall there too, right? And while we’re on the topic, this is a shout out to my family members that always ask why I’m not coming to see you in the dead of winter. Oh, I don’t know, because you live in a snowy part of Idaho and want me to drive 9 hours during the worst time of the year to travel to do it? I can say Merry Xmas over the phone. Heck, we could even Skype if you really wanna see my scruffy mug. Next year, we’re all having Thanksgiving, Christmas & New Years over a vacation week in the middle of July. That way the only car wrecks will happen in the parking lot when Grandma tries to drive and get yet another 5th of Jack. Heart you, Grandma…but enough of this, you don’t even know what a Scott Fish Bowl is and we’re over 300 words in so lets get started. Here’s my Scott Fish Bowl team for the 2014 Fantasy Football season…

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And to think…nobody thought…this would last…*awkward kiss*. It’s with a sad heart and partially destroyed liver I come to you today with this post to end all posts. Unfortunately I need to step down from being the head watchman over Razzball Football because as the kids say, ‘reality hits you hard, bro’. Not to get into crazy specifics but my wife and I are trying to sell a home, which means projects, which means time, which means my time which means here I am telling you I just can’t fathom the next few months dedicating myself to doing a good job here and on the home front. It was a difficult decision but in the end it really came down to one thing: y’all don’t put out but my wife does! Well, sometimes…when she doesn’t have a headache…or is drunk and thinks I’m Brad Pitt. I’ve had an amazing run as the lead football guy here at Razzball but the Fantasy Gods divined it so that I need to hand over the reigns to the only other man I know that has beaten Grey over on the baseball side in a baby oil wrestling match besides myself. I’m talking of none other than @Jaywrong himself, of course. I don’t think I’ve ever met a more knowledgeable, sexier Korishman in my lifetime, truth be told. Come to think of it, I don’t think I’ve ever met another Korishman period and I haven’t ever REALLY met Jaywrong either but his snapchats with me seem legit. Why could I be attracted to Ariel as a kid but now I have to feel like a perv? Damn cartoons, ya never age! But of course, I’m getting myself off course. I’m here to give my emotional send off speech so here it is. I will still be around the Razzball world but in a limited capacity. In fact, I’ve already produced a couple of Deep League Thoughts posts for you over on the Fantasy Baseball side if you’re into that sort of thing and I will still have some kind of writing going on here as well but you may not see me until the Fall. But by then, you’ll probably already have forgotten. I will remember you, but will you still remember me? Here’s where I’d tell you not to let your life pass you by but you play fantasy sports like I do so…too late! In truth, it was a fantastic voyage into the fantasy football world and I appreciate any and all of you who were there with me for the ride and I’m sorry for those who lost your appendages. The sign clearly said keep all hands and feet inside the ride at all times, people! If you didn’t already know, or can’t already tell, I’m bad at goodbyes so lets just hug this out and be done with it…there…ok, that’s good…yup, we’re done here…seriously, I’m getting uncomfortable…someone dial 911…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Greetings and salutations, one and all. You’re here for the all important last rankings review of the 2013 Fantasy Football season. We went back through all the important ones so far like the Top 20 Quarterbacks, Top 20 Tight Ends, Top 20 Wide Receivers, Top 40 Wide Receivers, Top 20 Running Backs, and now that we’ve gone to the end of the road…still I can’t let go. How many guys out there wanted to be Michael McCary? Like, who needs to sing when you sound like a subwoofer when you talk? If the movie Private Parts taught me anything, it’s not the size of the speaker, it’s how close you stick the woofer to your tweeter. But yeah, enough innuendo, this is recap time. A time to reflect on the year that was in the hopes we can glean a bit about what year is to come so that we can repeat the same mistakes and sit depressed eating a gallon of ice cream while watching The Bachelor, crying…forever alone. Some of these names will be expected, some un and others ‘ummm…’ but over all there’s as much hope in this group as their was in the top 20 so keep your minds and hearts open y’all, cuz if you don’t I’m going to get a bone saw and a rib spreader to show you how, m’kay? But enough about my unorthodox version of the board game Operation, let’s have at it. Here’s the Top 40 Running Backs from the 2013 Fantasy Football season…

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Highs and lows. Yup, that about sums it up. Both the running backs from 2013 and how I view my medicine cabinet in the bathroom. Today I’m typing on trilacridopaprylocine. The current effect is everything I’m typing looks like its in Wing Dings. I’ll keep you up to date on how the rest goes…but let’s get back to the first part of this. It wasn’t just my top 10 that got blown up by injury, ineptitude or both. There were plenty of assets that made their owners go mad given their price this year and I can promise you the result from this year is going to make me take a hard look at how I evaluate RB rankings in 2014. As the NFL slowly moves onto being a passing league moreso than a running league, having a lead back – or at least the original definition of it for fantasy – looks like its becoming a dying breed. Truthfully, there was very little value in drafting an RB high this year when we compare the peaks and the valleys and how much gold came much later in the draft. You’ve heard of the scrub QB theory, we might be well on our way to working one up for RBs in 2014. But of course that’s a topic for another time. For now, instead of looking forward let’s look at our behinds. Here’s the Top 20 Running Backs from the 2013 Fantasy Football season…

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I was really tired and didn’t think I was going to be able to get through these but I’ve found my second wind and by that I mean my wife handed me what was left of her Rock Star – sugar free, of course – and now my fingers are typing so fast, I fear I might start a fire with how fast they’re going and I can’t stop at this point which is really frustrating because I have to pee and even when I put a period. I just keep going, will someone please stop this madness, I can’t feel my index fingers anymore *wife grabs fire extinguisher*. Phew, that was close. Well, now that I’m back from the ER with my hands wrapped in gauze, I’m here to recap a bit more on 2013. I already brought you the Top 20 Wide Receivers For 2013 Fantasy Football a bit a go but unlike Tight End and Quarterback, that’s really not as in depth as this position needs. Nay, I need TWO whole posts and then there’s nothing left to write about it. Until next week when I start the whole process all over again. I feel like the Fred the Baker from Dunkin Donuts sometimes. But then I think about it and say to myself ‘you guys are worth it’. Then I pause and say ‘maybe you’re worth it, let me think on it for a bit while I make the donuts’. This is a nightly thing, y’all! But enough about my baking skills, let’s throw this dough in the oven and call it good. Here are the Top 40 Wide Receivers from the 2013 Fantasy Football season…

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It’s a material world and I’m a material girl…wait, strike that. What I meant to say was it’s a passing league and I’m a fantasy…hrm, pig? Say it like you’re Ren, you eeedeeot! Yeah, all I’m trying to say here is it’s no surprise with how dramatically the passing side of the league has changed that the wide receivers have become an easier commodity to bank on from week to week and may create a different way to look at things moving forward in terms of how we draft. But of course, that’s not what this post is about. It’s more about finding out what rhymes with league. Seriously, google dat chit. WTF is a ‘Schmeig’? It’s not even on urban dictionary and if anything belongs on the UD, it’s Schmeig…wait, that’s not really what this post is about either. We’re here to look back at this year’s crop of wide receivers and see how the dust settled on their season. So without more ado, let’s review. Here are the Top 20 Wide Receivers from the 2013 Fantasy Football Season…

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I get it. I’ve seen ‘My Strange Addiction’ on Netflix. You’re like Lauren who can’t leave her furry life at home. Nope, everywhere you go, you gotta be wearing your fursona. It’s cool, it’s your thing, just don’t act like it’s not a bit weird, m’kay? We have 4 QBs to choose from here. That’s four for those whose computers can’t read digits for some reason. They say variety is the spice of life and we have as many QBs to rank as we have Spice Girls in the world. Ponder that, ponderer. I’m not gonna pretend like there’s huge discrepancies this week other than Golden Tate. If Seattle is gonna win, a wideout needs to step up and I’m saying it’ll be Tate. That’s my story there. Outside of that…eh, how ’bout them Cowboys? I don’t know what to say here, I’m at a loss. Four flipping games, people! If New England wins, Brady has a huge day. If Denver wins, the Bronco backs have huge days. Up in Seattle, it’ll most likely be a slugfest and offensively pretty blahtastic while we’re at it. It will be interesting to see Kaepernick in a playoff game in Seattle. Most other times he’s looked about as rattled as you’re ever going to see him but he’s proving to be quite the playoff quarterback in his short stint so far. This will definitely be a defining game for him one way or another. As much of a Seattle fan as I am, I can’t help but notice Wilson has underperformed quite a bit the last four to six weeks while the defense has basically carried them. That can’t happen this week if the ‘hawks want to move on because if that doesn’t change, I think San Fran makes the Super Bowl. At this point, I wouldn’t be surprised by a Broncos and 49ers Super Bowl based on current performance. Just don’t think the passing game is the same without Gronkowski for New England and really don’t think Seattle’s offense can right the ship that’s been going so wrong of late. And now that I’ve talked about nothing that has to do with rankings for about 90% of this, let’s move on. Here are the Divisional Championship rankings for the 2013 Fantasy Football season…

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