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Seriously, I shouldn’t have to be writing this lead. This is fantasy football, right? We’re talking about a fake sport where we want to crush our opponents with an amazing game or two from some star players, right? Well Baltimore don’t care, people. This offense has been stuck in neutral all year and – no surprise – so has most of the fantasy worth surrounding the team. Even good matchups haven’t been exploited to the extent they could be. Detroit’s secondary should’ve been torched tonight and they were able to move the ball plenty on jump balls. It was like watching the 2012 season all over again. I like to think of it as the chuck and pray offense. Well, last year a lot of prayers were answered. This year, not so much. Baltimore can move the ball fairly well but haven’t been able to do much of anything with their opportunities once they get close in. And that’s why I have to talk about a kicker. Well, that and the Lions offense was a bit of a bore so that didn’t help. Either way, Justin Tucker has probably helped more than one fantasy team get to their respective Super Bowl this week and I gotta tell ya…I’m not happy. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad you got in. Yes you. You know I’d follow you to the ends of the Earth and back. So here’s to you…you. But no, it’s just further proof to me that kickers have entirely too much sway on the outcome of this game we play. Of Justin’s 6 field goals, I’d say 2 of them were legit and the rest was just more Ravens offense failure. I already went over my disgust with the kicker position this summer. I don’t think I can cover it any better. Ok, I probably could’ve but much like Allen Iverson and practice, we talkin’ bout kickers. Not a game, no not a game…kickers. So here’s to you, the team that is strutting its stuff on their way to the big game on the big leg of a kicker who may not even finish top 5 at his position next year if the Ravens can figure out what the end zone looks like. In other fantasy news…ok, ok I know you all wanna know where I went last weekend and why I had JB covering me for the week 15 rundown. Well, I got to go to this little thing called the Playboy Mansion. You know, no biggie. Just me, my Fantasy Baseball compadre Grey Albright, and the handsome SOB I pretended I was all weekend Tehol Beddict. Since there’s no Thursday Night Football, we might see what we can do to give a taste of the event we went to on Friday but I hold no promises as I should probably be sleeping for the next five days just to make up for the evil I did to myself with an open bar. I think even my fingers have a hangover right now…neverthewhoo! Let’s get on with it…

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It’s hard to trust certain guys. No, I’m not talking about the real world here, people. This isn’t a suggestion to the ladies of the world to be careful out there but since we’re on the subject: Hey. Ladies of the world out there. Be careful. No, I’m talking about guys who’ve burned us in the past in the fantasy football world. They’ve failed us at big intervals or came on too late in the season for it to matter. Or maybe they’ve had a bad year or two in the past coupled with health issues. You drew an ‘X’ through their name in red marker, put a yuk sticker on them and wrote ‘DO NOT TOUCH’ when draft day rolled around. But sometimes these guys we write off surprise us. Yes, seemingly out of nowhere, fantasy guys we loved and now love to hate can become studs. It’s not always an overnight process but it feels like it with Ryan Mathews. After his 5th 100 yard rushing game of the year with 29 carries for 127 rushing yards and a touchdown, Mathews is now tied for the NFL lead for 100 yard rushing games on the year with Adrian Peterson and LeSean McCoy. Yes, you read that right. Sure, Shady or maybe even All Day if he’s healthy could possibly reclaim that lead over him this weekend but just reading that shows how much Mathews has improved over an abysmal 2012 campaign that had him looking flat, slow and bewildered even before he broke TWO collarbones last year. He got labelled soft and a bust all at the ripe age of 25. Hard to imagine everything being downhill when you haven’t even had to shave your ear hair yet but that was Mathew’s judgement and I’ll fairly say I joined in with the crowd on this. Though his preseason was strong, I did not see this coming and to be fair, the Bolts didn’t either as they brought in Danny to spell him and were extra cautious in using him early on in the season. But even prior to tonight, Mathews has been one of the better RBs in the league as he’s been the 11th best fantasy RB in standard and the 15th best in PPR scoring over the last 5 weeks. Surprised? Shocked? Appalled? Drunk? Eh, it’s Friday, I’m not surprised if its all four. The point is, he’s been much better than we’ve realized and it’s time to give him his due so here’s to you, Mr. Mathews. May someone find that missing ‘t’ for you some day but until then, good on ya. In other news from Thursday Night Football from week 15…psyche! I haven’t psyched you guys out in a while, I know. Things have been running along smoothly but I’m going to a bit of an ‘event’ this weekend. I’m sure Tehol or J-FOH will probably blather all about it in their posts but until then I can pretend I get to keep it a super awesome secret until next week. Suspense…it’s a killer. Now on with the rest of the Thursday roundup…

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I can’t fight it anymore. I know everyone tells you never to let others influence how you think and feel but it’s so hard to this week. I mean, I recommended the Oakland Raiders last week on defense. How stupid could I be? I’ve got to right the ship. I gotta become one with the other rankers and just give in, right? There’s no hope trying to play outside the box, all outside box playing is futile. I should just jump off the fantasy rankings bridge with everyone else…nah, I’m just joking. But I had you going for a minute, right? I’m one of the best written actors of my generation, or so I’ve been told. You should see me type Hamlet! I’ve been compared to Kenneth Branagh in that regards. In fact, I’m hoping for my first Golden Globe nomination this year once they create a category for me. I’ve already picked out my suit. I wonder if people will be able to tell I borrowed it from my dad…eh, let’s not talk about my eventual rise to fame. It bores me. Better yet, let’s talk about Pierre Thomas and his great matchup against the Rams. To be honest, I’m a bit surprised I’m one of the few this high on him. Do these other ‘perts not know the Rams are ranked near the bottom in terms of fantasy points allowed to opposing running backs? That was rhetorical. Of course they know but they’re probably too busy paying attentio to how unproductive he’s been of late. It happens but to be fair, when PT has been given a good matchup he has produced. Sure, he’s not likely to put up 200+ yards any time soon but about 120 total yards and a TD are well within reach for the PT Bruiser this week and I like his chances he grabs those reigns and rides into fantasy glory. In other areas to trumpet on, we’ve got quite a few rankings wrinkles this week. Steven Jackson? Sometimes the matchups make the man and given he’s performed well of late, it’s hard to deny him a top 10 RB finish. Same goes for Ryan Mathews who has sneakily been a top 10 play over the last 4 weeks in PPR leagues but he’s out there singing Black Eyed Peas to us. Folks, where is the love? Besides these guys, further down the road we have Mendenhall getting a mega-bump along with the Ogre and Donald Brown to wrap up my top 20 RBs and I also gave Ellington a nudge. This IS still the same Titans team that can’t stop the run, right? At wide out, I’m finally treating Dez like what he has been: good but not great. And while I’m at it, I gave Hilton and Patterson a little WR2 love bite due to matchups and explosiveabiltiy. No need to google that, it’s totally a word. At TE, I gotta say: it Ertz so good. On the DST front, Tampa Bay…woah. I know, I know, San Fran isn’t the Buffalo Bills. But Tampa Bay isn’t 0-8 Tampa Bay anymore and for very good reasons and are playing at home. Kickers? Just my niece and I playing a game of Hungry Hippos where the marbles have kicker names on them. The ones I got were in, the ones she got were out. But enough about Delta Burke winning me Josh Scobee, let’s get on with it. Here’s the rankings for week 15 of the 2013 Fantasy Football season…

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So maybe we got off on the wrong foot last week. I can’t take all the blame, of course. You’re the one who said you had a third leg because you put a sock on your woo-ha. That’s the wrong foot with me every day of the week. But what I mean by this is explaining what the funk ‘Thinking Forward’ means. You’re in the playoffs so your lineup is already pretty good and so is your bench, most likely. So all I’m trying to do is give you some ideas on future week pickups because you’ve already got your lineup set for this week and since this is the time I’d normally be telling you to buy/sell for trade purposes, I figured I might as well tell you what you can tuck away for the following week instead. Ahem, I did say tuck it. Couldja do so with said foot apparel right now? It’s distracting…but now that we’ve got the premise set up, let’s take a giant leap forward into week 16. For all intents and purposes, the Colts aren’t really playing for much down the stretch besides maybe trying to figure out how they can be 8-5 with such a terrible team on hand. Oh wait, they play in the same division as the Jaguars, Texans and Titans and are 4-0 within it. Yeah, that’ll do it. I don’t know how they won earlier in the year vs the 49ers, Seahawks and Broncos given the team we’ve seen over the last 5 weeks. And before you get angry, Colts fans, this team’s point differential on the year is -3…yes, they’ve scored three less points than their opponents as a whole on the year and still have 8 wins to show for it. That’s a fishy line if I’ve ever smelled one. That’s just your upper lip! I told you, Colts fans, don’t be angry. Just realize there are 5 teams in the plus as of this typing that might not make the playoffs and be thankful. All this to say, I don’t think the Chiefs are gonna have a tough week with Indy at home and think Knile Davis will have himself a solid fantasy day. The Chiefs are the second best team in the AFC right now by record and the only way that even matters in terms of seeding is if Denver reels off 2 losses in the last 3 weeks and KC wins out, which makes it all the more likely we won’t see a huge amount of the starters in the game for the Chiefs on week 16 Sunday. Am I telling you to be scared to start Jamaal Charles? Hells to the no, children. But I do think Davis has a sneaky shot at reproducing his week 14 line or better: 47 total yards on 12 touches and a TD. Sure, its flexy sexy but nothing great but you never know when injuries might strike. Just ask AP owners. If your main RB goes down week 15 and you still manage to make the Shiva Bowl, having Knile on speed dial is a nice consolation prize in my book. And with that, let’s move on. Here are some other suggestions for week 16 pick ups for 2013 Fantasy Football…

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Hey did you survive the first round? Like, comment and subscribe below if you did! Sorry, thought I was running a youtube blog. Wait, are those even real? I don’t think you can blog on youtube. Just post really pointless comments that nobody reads and even when they do and respond, they don’t actually read the response to what you said. So youtube should just be videos sans comment section. Glad we cleared that up! Now what was I talking about…oh yeah, Josh McCown. Did I say he was gonna be good this week? Let’s take a magical ride back to last Thursday and find out in my weekly rankings…yup! Sure, Jared Cook dropped a deuce, Torrey Smith farted while your mouth was open and the Bengals started CBs off the street against the Colts but hey, I got one right…RIGHT?!? It was a rough rankings week, I’m not gonna lie. As Tehol pointed out on twitter to me, I got my Bens mixed up. Ben Tate didn’t do well and Big Ben did. But of course, Tehol chides yet also loves when it’s appropriate. Speaking of Tehol…TeholBeddict47? Is that like 47 Ronin? And is it just me or does Keanu’s movie sound more like a play call at the line than it does a samurai movie…but I’m digressing. And of course, what do you expect? The biggest fantasy scorer on the week is a 34 year old journeyman who has played for/been dropped by teams like the Cardinals, Lions, Raiders, Dolphins, Panthers, and 49ers which is not even mentioning his stint with the Hartford Colonials. So first I’ll briefly go over the stats: 27/36 for 348 and 4 passing TDs along with a rushing touchdown and a 2 point conversion. With the zero interceptions, that’s pretty much glory defined. Can’t beat it. Not even Peyton Manning could. The reality is he probably should’ve had at least 2 INTs on the night and is still a 34 year old journeyman. I do think this game says much more about two things: the Dallas defense and Marc Trestman. Never trust one, always trust the other. I don’t care who Trestman has at the helm next year – Cutler, McCown, a junior high 3rd string QB – I’m gonna want in on it. And to be fair, I’m not doing this to say McCown is terrible. You still have to execute to get a statline like that and he has so far as a starter with a 13:1 TD to INT ratio. Even if you’re getting lucky, that’s hard to do. All I’m saying is I care about Trestman and nothing else. I’ll ride through the fantasy desert on a QB horse with no name if Marc is leading the way. Here’s to what I hope was a successful week 14 run and and you’re even closer to that sweet championship. And with that, let’s see what else there was to see from MNF for 2013 Fantasy Football…

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I’m nothing if not culturally irrelevant.  Leave it to me to bring up a white Canadian Reggae rapper from the early 90’s that was known best for a song that no one can sing along to because we have zero clue what the crazy Canuck was saying.  Lickeeboomboomdan?  Ickyvroomvroomman?  I have zero clue.  I’ve looked […]

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I know, I know, I should’ve seen this coming. I think Hunter S. Thompson put it best: ‘You can turn your back on a person but never turn your back on a drug’. I let my guard down, forgot that I was dealing with an addict. Kubiak’s passion for Matt Schaub runs deeper than THE Bruce Dickenson’s want for more cowbell. I should’ve known that he’d get the itch at some point again. How many days had it been since crazy ‘ole Kub had seen a ‘drop back and fall to the ground because I’m an immobile QB’ sack? When was the last time he got to see one of those patented stalled drives down near the goal line from his old QB flame? We all understand, Gary, you just can’t quit this man. You guys had such good times together. Like that pick-6 he threw in week 2. And then that other one he threw in week 3. Oh and do you remember that one he threw in week 4? That one was a beauty. Personally, though, I’m partial to the one he threw in week 5 that helped him set an NFL record for consecutive games with a pick 6. I mean, imagine that: your starting QB setting NFL records. That makes you proud as a coach. You can’t quit that. Not after someone has made a burger about it. No sir. You don’t care what the stats say or the energy the new QB brings to the team. You do anything and everything in your power to undermine the confidence of that young man. I mean, who does he think he is? Throwing 5 TDs in 2 games to big AJ, the guy who had 4 total in his last 20 games heading into that string. He’s…uh…just not moving the ball right that way. Gotta spread it around. We need more 5 yard bootleg passes to the TE! We can’t have plays that go for more than 10 yards. What’s the fun in that? That’s not Schaub-style football, dammit! Dear Gary Kubiak, consider this lead paragraph my love song to you in the swan song that is your career as the Houston Texans coach. Please note I typed it only using two fingers, both of them middle. In other fantasy news from week 14’s Thursday Night Football contest…

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It’s been a few weeks where this has been the case but it takes a rankings week like this to be firmly reminded: the TE position seems to always start with so much promise and seemingly ends in pain for about 75% of the league. Remember when Jordan Cameron couldn’t be stopped? Remember when Jordan Reed was gonna make up for when he was? Remember when we thought Gronk would be back week 4 so we picked up Rob Housler cuz it didn’t really matter what your TE did for a few weeks? Fun times…wait no it wasn’t. TE has turned back into a cess pool and we need no firmer a reminder than Jared Cook. Cook is still 14th in total fantasy points in PPR leagues at his position. To put that number in perspective, after his week one explosion for 7/141/2 against the Cardinals he seemed like the stud we’ve all been dreaming of. Now fast forward to week 14 and that game still represents 30% of his total fantasy points production on the year. Woof. And speaking of Jordan Cameron, he’s still 4th among TEs in total fantasy points in the same setting and we all know he’s done nothing since week forever ago at this point. But with all this pain, there is a nice silver lining: you’re in the playoffs if you’re reading this so you made it through the slog and to add to your joys, there’s probably a streamable TE near you for this first week. Wanna know who I’m talking about at this point? Hint: I bolded his name a few sentences ago. Jared gets to face the same team he torched week one in the Cardinals, a team that just gave up a 5/68/2 line to Zach Ertz. You’re just gonna have to face the fact that Jared is gonna be a better play this week than most known names and I’ve ranked him accordingly. Don’t worry, you can throw him away like the used condom you accidentally stepped on barefoot this morning. You need to work on your trash can aim, bro…but if you’re sitting there with a bad matchup for your TE who’s not Gronk or Graham, Cook should be a great grab for this week. Outside of that, I also like Martellus more than others do and someone is gonna have to explain to me why the Bengals at home against the Colts isn’t a sweet matchup. Am I the only one who’s noticed how bad the Colts have been? Wins be damned, this is not a good squad and not a huge challenge for opposing defenses right now. Torrey Smith: I toldja I liked him for the playoff stretch and I put my money where my mouth is even though every one tells you that is just not hygienically sound to do. Look a little further down beyond top 10 WRs and you see some surprises. Andre Holmes? What can I say, I’m a believer. Jacoby Jones? What’s good for the Torrey Goose is good for the Dancer. Julian Edelman? They’re not putting Joe Haden on him and if they are…well, then crap that was a really bad call. Mike Glennon and Matt McGloin are hovering up near the top 12 just asking to be let in but I am the fantasy gatekeeper and say YOU SHALL NOT PASS! Still, good plays this week if you’re a Luck owner. Kickers were selectively lined up – naked and blindfolded – in an interrogation room where they were forced at gunpoint to listen to Barry Manilow. Only those who survived made the list. But enough about the kicker inquisition, let’s get this game rolling. Here’s your week 14 rankings for 2013 Fantasy Football…

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Well, he ain’t from down in Louisiana close to New Orleans. Then again, he might be. Didn’t read the bio. This is fantasy, not A Football Life. We don’t care if Jacoby Jones is from near Lake Titicaca, we just care that he has an awesome Sunday for us. Or Monday. Or sometimes Thursday. Anyone think we’ll eventually just have football on 7 days a week? I think they’ve expanded college football to pretty much every day but Tuesday and Wednesday at this point. Not that I’m complaining, of course, just wanted to know I’m not the only one seeing this trend. Speaking of trends, sometimes they’re your friend. Well, not the kind you can borrow money from or go to the bar with but a friend nonetheless. The trend I speak of is the Detroit Lions secondary and how it just loves to give up points to secondary receivers for teams. Let’s ignore Green Bay’s passing debacle and look back at a few secondary receivers who’ve benefited from facing the Lions in the last few weeks. Week 12 saw Tiquan Underwood drop a 3/108/2 line on them. Week 11 saw a healthy line of 3/48/1 from Cotchery. Week 9 saw a 2/64/1 line from Terrance Williams of the Cowboys. Ok, with all this good can we stamp him as a must play for week 15? Nah, of course not. But your team needs force you into strange positions sometimes. Hopefully not the lotus blossom…fantasy football isn’t THAT kind of fantasy. But if you need a nice gamble at flex or WR3 for week 15, Jones could be the Jacoby of all trades for you. Hrm, or free agent pickups I guess. But that doesn’t flow off the wordpress tongue quite as well. But enough about tongues, strange positions and Underwood, let’s move along and see who else is a good pick up for week 15 of 2013 Fantasy Football…

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Monday Night Football is all about the narrative, whatever that narrative might be. What story could we blatantly exacerbate that builds up what was already a notable game between two playoff bound teams in the Saints and the Seahawks you ask? Well why not talk about the shorties on the field, right? Where’s T-Pain when you need him? I ask because Russell Wilson needs an auto-tuned ballad rapped about his abilities to play bigger than he really is. Tonight’s matchup was all about featuring the little guy as RW3 was pitted against DB9 in a battle that would ultimately clear the argument: who really was the world’s tallest midget QB? I keed, of course. I’m just blathering about pointless conjecture. I don’t care how tall you are at QB, I just want you to ball dawg. Russell Wilson proved tonight that not every short QB from Seattle played like Rick Mirer as he went for 310 passing yards on 22/30 to go with 47 yards rushing and 3 passing TDs. Now I got a weird look when I put @DangerRussWilson #3 in the weekly rankings but maybe I’ve been too clued into what he’s been doing of late and y’all have not. I just don’t know. What I do know is coming into week 13, he’d been on fire and I couldn’t ignore that given he was at home in a marquee matchup on Monday Night Football. Minus his bye week, RW3 has been a top 10 QB over the last 4 weeks heading into MNF and he kept that trend, finishing 2nd in scoring by ESPN standards. Moving forward, the only worry I have is a letdown game in week 15 if the Seahawks triumph against the 49ers in San Fran but the road to a decent end to the year seems well within reach. I had him ranked as the 6th best QB heading into the year. He was 8th heading into MNF after everyone else had played. Something tells me that call wasn’t too far off now like many may have perceived. Don’t worry, I made up for it by putting Robert Griffin, III 5th, of course. Neverthewho! Here’s what else I saw in the game for 2013 Fantasy Football…

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Tis the season, right? Unless you’re not of the xmas-religion affinity. I wish I had something for you but I have zero knowledge of Decker-related things I could say about Hanukkah, Kwanzaa and all the other holiday things I could talk about here. Happy Winter Solstice? What about Festivus for the rest of us? Don’t leave, I swear I’ll be more inclusive! The holidays are much like ordering a large pizza for a room full of college students: all drunk and stoned and should be doing their homework. Wait, no! Well yes but more so you can’t please everyone. No way no how. They don’t usually let you order pizza with different toppings on every piece. There’s also something else that doesn’t always make people happy: the Denver passing attack. It was a concern coming into the year that there would be a few guys left out in the cold most of the year, if not the whole year. Well much like life, those Broncos have ebbed and flowed. Early on, it was Welker. Then DT got it turned on for a stretch. The Orange Julius had been oddly one of the more consistent of the slick quatro (yeah, it’s not their nickname; just made it up) but he’s been out with a leg issue the last two weeks. So in the stead of an underused Welker and a missing OJ, someone had to step up and on this day it was Eric Decker who finished with 8 receptions, 174 receiving yards and a whopping 4 TDs. He only had 3 total coming into Sunday on the year. The end line for Decker is gonna look fine on the surface. He’ll go well over 1,000 yards receiving and may still end with 10 TDs. But I give the fair warning that I’ll probably say the same thing about Welker when the season’s over and I think we both know how that has been of late. Moving into 2013, these two are gonna go much higher than I’m gonna be willing to pay for in most leagues due to inconsistency. Sure it’s nice when this happens but how many of you experienced this Decker explosion on your bench? Exactly, there was a good reason he was there to start the day. Don’t forget that when 2014 hits. In other news from week 13 of the 2013 Fantasy Football season…

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I am not gonna lie, I’m doing this the lazy way. I just spent the day watching football, cleaning house, watching more football, taking the dog for a walk, watching more football, drinking, watching, more drinking…well, you get the point. I’m gonna recap that which is recappable and ignore that which is recrappable. And sadly, there was much that could’ve gone in the pie hole today and instead came out another one. But that’s for the reviews and we ain’t there yet, we’re still talking in the opener soooo…um, welcome to your Turkey hangover I guess? I don’t know what else to say. I’m typing this pre-podcast with the crew over at Revelation Sports. Little to their knowledge, they’re getting me three beers in. Ok, I fib, I’m at about five and really I still have an hour to get a couple more in. I pray for all involved that I don’t say something stupid like ‘start all Green Bay Packer wide receivers’. That would really make me look drunk, right? Ok, I’m foreshadowing. Let’s antishadow and get this going. Here’s the three servings of Thanksgiving Night Football for the 2013 Fantasy Football season…

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