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Welcome to another week of fantasy football where everything’s made up, but the points actually matter. Matchups are the name of the game this week, as I’m sure just about everyone is scouring the waiver wire with so much talent on bye. That’d be said, look no further than the Packers who square off against an embarrassing Colts defense. Rodgers is going to toss touchdowns galore in this one, so be ready for quite a few Lambo Leaps. I’m not sure the Colts’ strategy of letting the opposing offenses score as quickly as possible so Andrew Luck can have the ball back is logical, but hey, I’m no defensive coordinator. If it’s too late to snatch up Packers, don’t worry, there’s plenty more juicy matchups to exploit on the docket. And as a bonus because I’m such a good guy, I also have a few secret stashes for those looking to deepen their benches. Let’s get to it!

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With a routine throw to first, Kris Bryant effectively ended the 2016 baseball season. By now you know the end result – the Cubs won the World Series. My Grandfather was a life-long fan. He wanted nothing more than to see his “Cubs” win a title. He’s no longer around, so I root them on each game a little harder than I used to. Mainly because I feel like I’m cheering for both of us. After Anthony Rizzo pulled the most baller move ever by slipping the game ball into his back pocket, I felt a sense of relief. Closure might be a better term, I guess.  I’m sure there are thousands of stories like this, but I felt like sharing mine. My Grandfather taught me baseball. He taught me to love the countless shades of green on the field, the ever-changing dimensions that each ball park would introduce and of course the pace of the game. He also taught me that there was “always next year.” This was especially important if you were a Cubs’ fan. Whenever we would tune into WGN for an afternoon game, he would wax poetic on Fergie Jenkins, Ron Santo, Billy Wiliams and Ernie Banks. In fact, it was during one of those afternoon games that he let me try my first sip of beer. I was 14. It was terrible. Later, I found out it was Budweiser. So that explains everything. He also took me to Wrigley Field for the very first time that year. Ironically, that was also our only trip there together. So, when I was able to get back to Wrigley and I was of legal age – I enjoyed an ice-cold Bud. And you know what? It wasn’t that bad…..Actually, it was still terrible. But I faked my way through the entire can and I’m sure my Grandfather approved. So this week I’m saluting a terrible player that actually might not be so terrible in the right spot. You follow? Good. I think Colin Kaepernick could be quite useful in Week 9 match ups. He’s facing the Saints who’ve given up at least 18 fantasy points to every QB this season not named Russell Wilson. Kaepernick’s rushing abilities should serve him well, as he’s ran for at least 66 yards in each of his two starts. Just for window dressing I’ll also add that he’s thrown for at least 14o yards and a score in both starts as well. Not too shabby. So if the Saints’ passing D continues to allow 286 yards per contest, which happens to rank 29th in the NFL, Kaepernick could very well be headed towards a productive Sunday.

Here’s a look at a few more of my favorite passing/running match ups for Week 9:

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One of the great mysteries of life is the nickname. It is often said that nicknames are earned and that one cannot give themselves their own nickname. I say: Ef that. If I have big ears, did I “earn” the Dumbo nickname? That’s some bull shiitake mushroom. By the way, I don’t have big ears and I was never called Dumbo. Just an example. Goes to room, locks self in closet and cries. You know how nicknames are established? There are only three ways. 1) The person being nicknamed accepts the nickname. This usually happens because the nickname is freaking dope. 2) The person is a beta. 3) The person is a beast and tells everyone else what they should call him.

Darren Sproles falls into the third category. People used to call him Super Smurf. I’m with Sproles., ef that! You know how much of a boss he is? He says to call him Tank because, when he was born, he weighed 10 pounds. That’s what I’m talking about.

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Alternate titles for today’s post included “Trick or Tyreek” in honor of Halloween, “Crowder? I Hardly Know Her” (used below), and “The Triple Lutz“. As you can see I chose neither of them. Once again I seem to have managed to stitch together a starting lineup, using waiver wire material, that would have beaten just about any team in your league or any other. You know the old saying “don’t judge a book by its cover”? Well, don’t do that. Unless you’ve actually read the book. The theme of this weeks seems to be players taking advantage of an opportunity given to them because another player was injured.

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DENVER, CO - OCTOBER 30: Running back Devontae Booker #23 of the Denver Broncos rushes for a touchdown in the third quarter of the game against the San Diego Chargers at Sports Authority Field at Mile High on October 30, 2016 in Denver, Colorado. (Photo by Dustin Bradford/Getty Images)

Greetings! Over these past few weeks I’ve often wondered: “Have they missed me since I’ve been gone?” Will my strongest supporters simply move on and attach themselves to any of the other talented Razzball writers, or will they mourn me by drinking and drugging themselves for the remainder of their miserable lives, slowly killing themselves in the memory of the Lord? What I can tell you is that I’ve spent the past couple weeks in the crater of Mt. Vesuvius, smoking mass quantities of peyote and drinking absinthe by the boatload, conversing with the Elder Gods about my future and what has been foreseen. The good news, you ask? My dream of my writing career surpassing my great many thong modeling accomplishments looks like a given, but the bad news, my goodmen, oh hohoho, you mustn’t never find out for only the scurviest of bottom feeders could possibly have the wherewithal to comprehend what I must do. They’ve rarely been wrong in their predictions for my life in the past. I mean, they did predict I would finish second overall in the FantasyPros rankings a few weeks back AND they informed me that some crazy hood rat would come out the woodwork, saying I owe her 500 dollars for blowing out the back of the gal watching her home while she was out of town. This gutter ferret had the gaul to threaten me on Facebook. ME! The Lord! My judgement shall be swift and merciless, and her destiny of bobbing for worm-infested apples, surrounded by diseased swine in the dank dungeon of House Beddict. Just because I put a dime piece in the perfect flex on her cheap ass bed certainly doesn’t mean that I broke and it certainly does not mean the Lord will throw some gold coins at her to shut her hole. Peasantry.

I am Tehol Beddict and this is Disgrace/Delight! Take Heed!

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Greetings, fantasy friends… It’s your reliable internet buddy Mike Honcho and I’m here to hook you up with the best passing and rushing match ups for Week 8. I’m typing this as I listen to the new Bon Iver album 22, A Million. Hopefully some of you are familiar with the Indie Folk band from Fall Creek, Wisconsin. If not, definitely check them out. Front man Justin Vernon is a musical genius, he crosses over into many different genres of music and rarely disappoints. But let me be perfectly clear here: I might be getting too old to enjoy hat others label as “Hip.” I mean, I really like that they’re branching out again on the new release, but it contains way too much “folktronica” for my liking. Unfortunately, that’s what the young kids like so it looks like it’s here to stay for a while. Give me “For Emma, Forever Ago” or the self titled “Bon Iver” any day of the week over their current release. Just my opinion. Sue me! So while we’re talking about things that are old, let’s discuss Jamaal Charles. It seems Father Time has paid the former workhorse an untimely visit for 2016 and his fantasy owners are none too pleased about it. You know how Jamaal feels, right guys? Any given Saturday you and your “bros” head to the mall with your Affliction shirts and you try to “mack on babes” outside of the Fashion Bug. Only to remember you’re 34 years-old and the Assistant Manager of a GNC. Life is brutal at times. Anyway, A new, young feature back has emerged. Spencer Ware has absolutely beasted in his opportunity as the lead back and he’s poised for another huge week. Kansas City will travel to Indianapolis Sunday in what should be a run heavy game script. The Colts are 25th in the league in rushing defense – allowing 118.6 yards per game on the ground. They allowed  28/124/1 and 28/158/1 the last two games to Tennessee and Houston respectively. To make matters worse, Indy has allowed 24.8 fantasy points per game to opposing RBs this year, which ranks 26th overall. That’s a lot of “suck” to process in terms of the Colts’ defense, so let’s take a break and look at my favorite plays this week:

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With Halloween just around the corner, I had a couple thoughts run through my brain: I’m about to be dedicating quite a few hours to Pokémon GO with everything giving double candy for the next few days, and I wonder what most people think the scariest part of fantasy football is. Without a doubt it’s got to be injuries, as there truly is nothing like having to pick up the pieces when your top running back goes down for the year. Eddie Lacy owners have a slightly more cringe worthy injury on their hands since his ankle most likely just snapped under the pressure of all that weight. Is it too late for Tony Horton to make Lacy put down all the Halloween candy? Unfortunately it is, and with quite a few backs out with injuries and bye weeks, this seems to be a particularly brutal week. Luckily, there are quite a few running backs worth a look that can be had on waivers. Devontae Booker leads the charge in what I like to call “The Week of the Handcuff”… it’s only fitting his team colors include Halloween orange.

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Toughness comes in many forms. Ivan Drago in Rocky IV was the stereotypical tough guy. So tall that he blocked the sun from reaching us mere mortals, a body that made both men and women soil their drawers, and a haircut that signified to the world that he DGAF. On the flip side, a tough guy can also be one that is impervious to pain. Rocky was that kind of tough guy. He was so tough that Drago whined that “he is not human, he is a piece of iron.” Which brings me to Josh McCown. Huh? Well, he does have the same haircut as Drago. But McCown is more Rocky than Drago. During his only game of the season so far, he suffered an injury in the first quarter. An injury that was later deemed a broken collarbone. He ended the game 20-of-33 for 260 yards with 2 touchdowns and 2 interceptions. First quarter people! Broken collarbone! The postgame interview was legendary. That’s my quarterback! I do own him in a league, so I can say that.

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For those that didn’t follow, today’s title was meant to be read in your best cheerleader shouting voice. Go ahead, give it a try. Nice job. Each week I pull out the duct tape and attempt to scrap together a lineup using players sitting on the waiver wire that would not only compete with the best teams in fantasy leagues, but also beat them. This week I had my work cut out for me as there were a lot of high scoring teams. In one of my RCL’s thomas’s Rad Team scored 189.08 points. In another, Heisenberg Empire scores 184.06. Those, my friends, are a sh!t ton of points. First place in the Razzball Writer’s League (me) is averaging 128 points per week. So like I said, I had my work cut out for me this week. But rest assured, there’s no lineup I can’t conquer. I present to you a 203.7 point week 7 lineup comprised mostly of players considered duds.

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I’d like to dedicate this week’s Beyond the Numbers to Week 6’s fantasy darling: Jay Ajayi. His 204 yard explosion versus Pittsburgh goes against every data point you could have on the guy, and gives a little bit of credit to a “beyond the numbers” mentality. Everyone seems to be flip flopping more than Ajayi’s mascot about whether he or Arian Foster will be the main man (myself included), and hopefully now we’ve found our answer. That joke would’ve probably landed better if Miami’s mascot was a fish, but hey, you got to work with what you got. This week, I’m on the lookout for the next monster performance, so let’s get to it…

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