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Welcome back, my Horde!  What an eventful week it has been.  On one hand, I did manage to survive my trip to “Filthadelphia” this past week, but it seems that I am on a terrible fantasy losing streak these past 2 weeks and can’t seem to catch a break.  Even the waiver wire was not kind to me this past week and I am convinced that it is now in cahoots with my Black Widow Curse.  C’est la vie.  The Fantasy Gods giveth, and most of the time they taketh away.  So, how are all of you this week?  Beaten, battered, and bruised?  No?  Then perhaps you need to experiment a little more, and I don’t just mean with your rosters, but I digress.  It also looks like my Black Widow Curse feasted on some more tasty man-flesh this week, so I am sure you all have quite a few holes to fill (which may be a new concept for some of you).  So, let’s get down to business, shall we because time is money, and honey, I ain’t cheap.  Ladies and gentlemen, convicts and inmates, perverts and weirdos, I give you what you all have been waiting with baited breath for…the Week 6 edition of Hit it or Quit it!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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Whoa… It’s Week 5 already? How’d that happen? Time flies, right kids? Or as Bill Shakespeare would say “the swiftest hours, as they flew.” I love going all 1609 on you. You’re impressed, admit it. Plus the college girls just love it when I show up to the local watering hole and quote “Othello” all night until they acknowledge me. Ha! Just kidding. I’m too old for college girls. They all ignore me anyway. Plus, I’m way too busy on Saturday nights for any kind of commitment. So there! Here’s a typical Saturday night for me: Check all 158 fantasy lineups….for the fifth time. Check voicemail…..Empty….Iron my Ed Hardy shirts in case anyone calls….Update my “Dream Journal.” Update my “Fear Journal.” Look in the mirror….do six push ups…..Look in the mirror again. Log into Facebook…..get political information. Work on application for Trump University. See folks, Honcho’s time is at a premium. I need to be efficient in every aspect of my life. That’s why I put so much time into what’s important: Fantasy football stats. Really, to be honest, I do it all for you. Because we’re best friends. You’re just not aware of it yet. Invite me over sometime and I’ll prove it. So here’s the deal. This week contains a handful of nice passing match ups, but there’s one that really stands out. I’m going in big on Ben Roethlisberger this week as the Steelers host the Jets at Heinz Field. The Jets’ pass defense has struggled mightily this year, and they allowed 288 yards passing, three touchdowns and had zero interceptions vs Russell Wilson and the Seahawks last week. Through their first four games the Jets are allowing 285 yards passing per contest and they’ve yielded 8 passing TDs as well. They’re also giving up 23.9 fantasy points per game to opposing QBs (5th most) and 10.4 (8th most) fantasy points per game to TEs. The Steelers are absolutely loaded at wide receiver so you can expect Ben to continue his air assault this week against a Jets group ranked in the bottom half of the league in points allowed to WRs.

Here’s a look at some of my favorite passing and rushing matchups for Week 5:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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The day you got report cards in school was always probably the worst day of the month for most people. Regardless of whether or not you did well, it was always stressful waiting for your judgment to be handed down to you in the form of a single letter. While I’m not going to give players a letter grade for their performance on the year so far, I think it’s about time to check in on what they’re doing for your fantasy team. A fourth of the season is finished and it’s time to start making moves if your team isn’t producing. This week, I’m taking nearly 20 of the year’s most intriguing players and letting you know how they should be viewed for the rest of the season. With some trade targets and waiver wire names to grab for “failing” players, let’s get to it in this week’s edition of Beyond the Numbers.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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“Oh baby I like it raw. Yeah baby I like it raw.”

We play a fantasy game that tabulates stats from the performances of human beings playing the real game of football. To win, one must devoid emotion from the process and select the players that project to score the most points. It’s a very cold and robotic process, something the NFL (No Fun League) is probably ecstatic about. Yet, we are human. Antonio Brown scores two touchdowns and starts twerking in the endzone? We are on cloud 9 and put Antonio on the short list of baby names. C.J. Anderson fumbles at the goal line, costing countless owners a win, and people flock to Twitter and send death threats and racial slurs. One of the excuses I see thrown around to explain this behavior is that fans are passionate (but that’s not an excuse for stupidity, but that’s another discussion for another day). Okay. But you know what? Football players are humans too!!! And they have just as much passion, if not more than you or I. How else could you explain the willingness to consciously get into multiple car crashes a day?

I’ve seen so much silliness the past week regarding Odell Beckham Jr.

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Greetings! I hope this note reaches Jay in time, for tomorrow, I leave on a boat trip through the treacherous San Juan Islands, and yes my goodmen, I’m on an epic adventure in search of mass amounts of plunder and booty (mostly booty). The simple and honest truth is, I could be killed, kidnapped, ransomed, or even frog-humped and feathered for all I know. If I go down with my ship (150 ft. yacht), I’d like you all to remember me for the man I was… check that, remember me for the man I was going to be, for I haven’t yet come close to reaching the spiritual levels I’ve slowly begun to master on my way to level four ninja-sex master-God… and that would have been a sight to see. Lord Beddict at a level four? Only the Elder Gods could even begin to imagine the amount of swimsuit models impregnated by a man who will never actually meet the children. For they shall watch him from afar, through their televisions or computers, preaching to the world the sort of positive impact fantasy sports can have on child’s life. They shall know him as Lord Beddict, and they shall be proud. They shall be proud and say: “That beautiful, sexy, shredded, poetic, charming, loving man, once stuck his meat thermometer in momma’s turkey. It’s an honor.” Or something of that nature. You get what I’m saying, don’t you? [Jay’s Note: LOL] No? Good, because I have no idea what I’m talking about.

I am Tehol Beddict and this is Disgrace/Delight! Take Heed!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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Welcome back, my Horde!  I am sorry that I once again had to leave you in the lurch last week.  I know how you so depend on your weekly interactions with me, not only for spank bank fodder, but your required human socialization as well.  It turns out that Mother Goddess was ill and being the sensational daughter that I am, she had to come before all of your perverted needs.  Needless to say, she is on the mend and has given me permission to attend to your needs now.  Ugh, it is so trying being so in demand, but I understand your addiction.  I am quite charming, after all.  So, first things first, how did you fare in Week 4?  Me? Not so good.  I was beaten so badly that Chris Brown Tweeted that he had nothing to do with it and was nowhere around me at the time.  I swear.  Look it up.  I am chalking this week’s shellacking up to being a good daughter and not prioritizing Fantasy Football over Mother Goddess’s health and well-being.  So, for those of you who went up against me this past week, enjoy the freebee, because I don’t come cheap.  I also managed to lose some of my muscle on my teams to my Black Widow Curse, so it is good to know that at least that is consistent.  I am sure that you all got nailed too (and not in a good way).  So, without further ado, let’s see what I can do to assist you in repairing your damaged rosters with this week’s edition of Hit it or quit it, Week 5.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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Is your fantasy team so bad you’re already thinking of blowing it up with some crazy trades? Do you tune in to Monday Night Football just in the hopes that your kicker will get you 23 points for the win? Are you tired of your fantasy football team being first thing to screw you each week? If that describes you, or you’re just a really hot chick, I’m here to help with week 4’s edition of Beyond the Numbers! This week, I’ll give you a few names you can pick up on the waiver wire and some to target in trades before they blow up. Let me start off slow first, with a player who’s one of the smallest in the NFL, but is big enough to satisfy where it’s counts… on the stat sheet.

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What’s good amigos? Honcho’s back for some Week 4 action, so buckle up and let’s do this. Before we get started, I wanted to treat you all to some of my magnificent poetry. I bet you weren’t aware that Honcho was the official Poet Laureate of Razzball. Were you? It’s true. I just have a way with words. You can check out some of my best work over at Christian Mingle. The ladies just love my renderings on that site. Anyway, I wanted to start this week’s By The Numbers off with something I’ve prepared especially for this occasion. Here it is: Roses are red. Harambe is dead. The Oakland Raiders defense Flacco shall shred. So… How was it? Inspiring? Beautiful? Both? I’ll take it! Okay, enough of that. Let’s get down to some numbers. Obviously I’ve placed Joe Flacco in the introduction for a reason. He has an absolutely delicious matchup this week. I mean, what’s not to like about the worst pass defense in the NFL traveling East for a 1:00 PM EDT start? The Raiders have been brutal against the pass in their first three games. How bad? Well, they’re averaging 340 passing yards allowed per game and they’ve yielded seven scores through the air against just three interceptions and three sacks. Oakland is allowing opposing QBs to score an average of 26.5 (3oth) fantasy points per contest this year and they’re giving up 32.5 (32nd) fantasy points to WRs. That’s bad. No, actually that’s awful. The forecast is calling for clear skies and temperatures in the mid-70’s so sit back and watch Flacco air-raid the Raiders.

Here’s a look at a few of my favorite passing and rushing matchups for Week 4:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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The Age of Latavius officially commenced on November 20, 2014. That was the night when the world witnessed a 6′ 3″, 230 pound rarity put on a performance that could only be described as, well, out of this world. Four carries, 112 yards, and two touchdowns.

With Darren McFadden and Maurice Jones-Drew in the latter stages of their careers, Murray would take over the backfield and form a young, exciting duo with quarterback Derek Carr. To finish out the 2014 season, Murray rushed 68 times for 258 yards and caught 11 passes for an additional 108 yards. He did not score a touchdown. Entering the 2015 season, there was tremendous optimism for Murray’s prospects, as he was the unquestioned starter on an up-and-coming team. 266 carries for 1,066 yards, 41 receptions for 232 yards, and six touchdowns. Not bad, but not delivered-from-the-heavens great. With an improved offensive line and upgraded defense entering the 2016 season, the stars were aligned. Unfortunately, through three games, Murray has rushed 32 times for 153 yards, caught eight passes for 58 yards, and scored three touchdowns. Ladainian Tomlinson, in his prime, would put that up in one game!

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I always thought AI stood for artificial intelligence, especially with my background in engineering. Little did I know that it shared its abbreviation with the deliberate introduction of sperm into a female’s uterus or clitoris for the purpose of achieving a pregnancy. I think that is the procedure they are currently performing on both Jay Cutler and Tony Romo. The facts are a little fuzzy, but that sounds about right. I believe Marcus Semien and Trevor Siemian are the donors, but it could also be Danny Woodhead, Wendell Smallwood or even Ha Ha Clinton-Dix. To be honest, however, I don’t think anyone cares. On the other hand, what they might care about is the following list of jabronies. I think if you tried setting your lineup as such, the web app might just reject it on principle. Let’s take a closer look.

Please, blog, may I have some more?
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