Elidealwithit

Well, seeing as how Thursday Night Football once again lowered the bar in terms of “quality”, more specifically, in terms of “nap quality was good because this game was boring as sh*t”, we really have no where to go but up. Granted, I’m seeing a Browns-Dolphins matchup here that’s already triggering me slightly, I’m sure the Ravens-Jaguars game will only… oh geez, who are we kidding? Alright, alright, it’s not all doom and gloom, as the Washington-Giants game should be full of derp, the Broncos and Bengals should be pretty interesting, and the Panthers will try their best to make sure Sam Bradford regresses to the mean. But what my lede presupposes is, maybe they won’t?

Be sure to check out Start and Sits for today’s games here, along with updated projections (which finished fourth overall last week), by clicking here. And as always, our updated rankings are available after the jump!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I don't have enough spam, give me the Razzball email newsletter!

garrap

Hunh, that’s weird. A prime time Patriots game not against the Colts or Broncos? No Tom Brady still? Gronk still questionable? A third-string quarterback starting? The first black quarterback to start for the Patriots… ever? ALL THE QUESTION MARKS? Yeah, so this should be an easy loss for them. *Looks at matchup* LOL, nevermind. The Texans travel to Boston, bringing with them a quarterback that we’ve affectionately (I think?) labeled as Brock Lobster (hey, when there’s low-hanging fruit, go for it brah) that continues to prove to everyone what simply shouldn’t be provable, that John Elway might have been right about something. Despite providing an underwhelming first two weeks, Lamar Miller and the emergence of Will Fuller have eased the blow to all Texan fans. All six of you. Meanwhile, as was touched on before, we are basically watching Bill Belichick’s biggest strategic gambit pay off, as he has decided to punt the first three weeks of the season and still win all of those games just to assert dominance over the AFC. This may seem less impressive when they’ve beaten the Dolphins and what was an under-achieving Cardinals, but then you realize that about 88% of their team has been deflating balls or getting shoulders and legs exploded during that time…

Note: Rankings have been released and can be found here!

Please, blog, may I have some more?
EAGLES BORN OUT OF THUNDER

EAGLES BORN OUT OF THUNDER

Tonight’s game is kinda of a matchup between teams that are sorta-kinda similar, but not. How informative! Yes, you could say that about every team in the league… Look! One has football players, but they are all different! But to get away from the meta-conversation, both these teams came into the season full of mediocrity and low expectations. While we’re only in Week 2 (about on our way to Week 3, granted), the Eagles and Bears seem to be travelling in very different directions from their shared starting points. Carson Wentz had a successful debut against the Browns (alright, you’re right, it is the Browns), but Ryan Mathews made it to Week 2 without a season-ending injury, and Jordan Matthews looks pretty good. (Against the Browns…) The Bears on the other hand… Jay Cutler did Jay Cutler things, and the running game was astoundingly meh. So are the Eagles a potential playoff team with the Bears destined to once again be a doormat for the NFC North? It’s quite obviously too early to tell, but depending on how the game goes, both, none, and either could be the case after tonight. Well… maybe not either.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

lXRDURi

You know, at first glance, you wonder why we’re watching a prime time game featuring the Vikings. At least, that was my reaction on our last podcast… but when you delve into the actual thought process NBC went through, it starts making a bit more sense. First, it’s the Packers… their like the Patriots, in that half the nation tunes in out of love and fandem. The exception here being that the other half of American which has resounding disdain for the New England franchise let out a collective “meh” when it comes to Green Bay. Could the combination of Rodgers doing State Farm commercials and Clay Matthews never cutting his hair be part of the reason why? Most definitely not, but I’m no psychologist. Second, the Vikings are debuting their new stadium and were a team on the rise. A lot of young talent, and a lot of upside, quite possibly leading them to be a nice sleeper pick for the postseason. Then, Teddy Bridgewater’s knee exploded in 18 different places and the Vikings decided to mortgage a part of their future for Sam Bradford. Seems good. So we get tonight’s game… which should be stated, has the ingredients to be close. A division matchup, at home for the Vikings, the air of a new stadium. Then again, this is Sam Bradford’s debut, so an 80-point blowout is also just as possible…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Someone give the guy a cigarette and get it over with…

A pretty crowded afternoon slate today, highlighted by the Jaguars vs. Chargers game. Haha, just kidding. Also, not sure how I would type out a crying noise. Or the sound my fetal position makes. Honestly, it’s pretty much the Seahawks vs. Rams and Colts vs. Broncos show, but I’m let the deciding factor be the fact that Troy Aikman and Joe Buck are the crew for just one of those games. So Colts-Broncos game, here we go! Oh, what’s that? Jim Nantz and Phil Simms are handling that one? Oh, okay. Well then. Excuse me for a second. That being said, the Rams always seem to play their division rival Seahawks pretty close, handing them a some surprising upset wins the past few years. Surprising, as one team represents all the things you want out of a continually elite franchise with excellent results, and the other representing mediocrity and disappointingly low expectations year after year and a consistent and frustrating basis. Sure, you can be a person that loves rooting for the underdog, but when the underdog doesn’t even care all that much… and then we have the modernly “historic” (all the oxymoron points) game between the Colts and Broncos, a matchup that hasn’t featured Peyton Manning as either quarterback since 1993. So thanks for making me feel old!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

joz_o6cksral6ms9

Despite my complaints last week about some of the opening matchups being akin to choking on benzos (the Bills versus Ravens game still brings me into a yawn-state right at this moment), this morning’s schedule brings a bit more to the table. Sorta. I mean, yes, there are the aforementioned Ravens going against the Browns, which seems like a good time to take a nap. The Chiefs and Texans don’t seem terribly exciting. Even the 49ers at Panthers game doesn’t really do it for me, and that’s the 49ers fault. The Titans and Lions? That’s a big nope. But it’s hard to knock a day that starts out with some good ‘ole AFC North derp, which I’m sure the Bengals and Steelers will be happy to provide, and provide in large quantities. It’s tough for me, as I’m sure those who have read this site for a few years know that I find the NFC East derp to be both most satisfying and very often exemplifying the perfect levels of schadenfreude, but I would say the AFC North is a close second in that regard. Sure, the Browns are the Browns, but the levels the other three teams go to when facing off against each other to make sure we laugh and cry, often at the same time, is to be commended.

Couple things to note before we get started: First, if you haven’t done it yet, be sure to check out our new weekly projections to help set your lineups. If you are doing some DFS today (I’ll be doing DFS to your mother, if you know what I mean. *Wink, wink* I actually have no idea what that means…), check out our new DFSbot. Also, for all of you in our RCLs, we’ll have an update out next week with standings. I know they’re important, but we’ve been busy creating and implementing all of these new tools that were just talked about, so hopefully that’ll make up for it. And as always, our updated rankings are available after the jump!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

jets-fan-fist-pump-against-bills

Well, this is a matchup that makes me think: Man, what did I do this week to deserve this? And on a Thursday night no less! You know we’re going to see a 3-0 game here, and if we’re lucky, maybe it’ll be 6-3. I could even see a 1-0 game. Honestly. I mean, one can only hope that we get a safety out of this so we can at least have a few laughs. Oh, god, I almost forgot this marks the debut of Phil f*cking Simms, and his favorite enabler, Jim Nantz. What. The. Hell. Not only that, but we have a hobbled Sammy Watkins to deal with, Tyrod Taylor trying to climb himself back into relevance, and a Jets offense that’s more boring than Cris Collinsworth hyping up Tom Brady. I guess this is my way of telling you to make sure all your favorite alcohol beverages and antacids are stocked up. And probably get your ear plugs, and probably blindfolds in the ready position…

The rankings have been updated just now for tonight’s game, and can be found here.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

dsk

Ah yes, the dreaded Monday Night Football opener, showcasing four teams that you sorta-kinda are interested in, but not really and would probably just put on as background noise if this was Week 10. So basically any other Monday Night Football game not including the opener. While the concept is of a doubleheader on Monday is pretty cool, the execution of it isn’t, much like a queef. Why? Well, even though we still have a year of Chris Berman left, we still have to actually sit through a year of having Chris Berman. That’s check number one. Number two, this is the production team that gave you the Chip Kelly “Fast Tempo” clock when the Eagles played, marveling Jon Gruden and Mike Tirico by giving him a clock that basically counted up instead of down. Jesus. And this is also the same production crew that brought you a couple years of Ray Lewis’… whatever you call it. You say words, I say ear stabbings. He’s stabby. Not much you can do about that. True, they replaced him with Randy Moss, but really, if I still have to listen to Steve Young’s hot takes, I’m not sure where improvement will come from. At the very least, they actually do show football, the one redeeming feature of ESPN’s Monday presentation, and tonight we’re in for a special treat, a team with an alleged rapist quarterback, a team with a racist name, a team that strives for mediocrity on a yearly basis (Los Angeles will love that, I’m sure) and a team that’s just plain bad. Monday Night Football!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

johnbrowntdcel

Real question, is this the first Sunday Night Football game of the week, or is this the second? True, I believe you could technically call the game a few days ago Thursday Night Football, because, you know, the game was on Thursday. But we didn’t get the “NFL/CBS” production, a combination that I still believe is the end of the world as we know it. Trust me, every time I see Phil Simms open his mouth at Jim Nantz’s bidding, tell me you don’t see visions of a huge asteroid hitting the earth… I sure do. Then again, you could probably consider it a blessing in that situation. Regardless, we got the NBC production crew, and I’m actually trying to recall how they addressed themselves on that day. I’m sure they called it Thursday Night Football, but I don’t really have any recollection. It could be because Cris Collinsworth causes me to go into a medically-induced coma whenever he starts talking about his loving relationship with offensive lineman. WE GET IT CRIS, YOU’RE IN LOVE. KISS ALREADY. But at this point, I think it’s safe to say that I was able to fill enough space in the lede without talking about the actual game, because honestly, there is no Tom Brady and Rob Gronkowski, and it’s at Arizona. I’m pretty sure I know how this going to go…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

It's gonna be a long year for these Cowboys...

I have to admit, after including some thoughts on today’s remembrance in our earlier live thread, I think the pre-ceremonies around the league were handled pretty nicely for an event that will forever live in infamy. (Hey, if you’re going to quote someone, might as well be one of the best.) And speaking of the today’s earlier live thread, I would be remiss not to mention again that while I’m completely ecstatic that football has returned, and even doubly ecstatic (is that a thing?) that my Chargers are looking pretty good right now against the Chiefs, that for the general NFL fan, there really wasn’t any premiere matchups to open up the first Sunday of the regular season. No pizzazz. No jazz hands, if you will. And if you didn’t know, Football and jazz hands are like pees and carrots, Jet Li and Delroy Lindo, Tom Brady and uggs,… you get the point. But does the afternoon slate give us a bit more in terms of storylines and rivalries? I feel like it’s a resounding MAYBE. That’s how we do resounding here folks, all caps. Forget the Dolphins and Seahawks, or even the Lions and Colts, no, the focus should be on the NFC East matchup between the Giants and Cowboys. Romoless Cowboys, sure, but with all the derp you get from this division, you basically had me at “NFC Eeee”. Speak no further, I’M F*CKING IN. We’ll see the debut of Dax Prescott, Eli Manning consistently throwing it 10 feet away from Odell Beckham Jr. just to see what happens, and of course Troy Aikman and Joe Buck. The last one isn’t really a highlight, but more a cry for help. Or, you know, a reminder to use horse tranquilizers to get through it all…

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Page 3 of 41234