It’s just the place where you stop the story…

Unless you’re Gus Bradley that is. With Jacksonville’s long nightmare coming to an end (with a potentially new nightmare on the horizon, because, well, it’s Jacksonville, and Jeff Fisher is still out there), it seems proper to announce that this is our official end to the 2016 Razzball Football season, content-wise. As I’m sure all of you know, we run a smaller ship than the other sites in the Razzball Network, but to combat that, we use 100% more nautical terms. I realize that the actual NFL Season hasn’t ended yet, but with two weeks left to go, your Fantasy Season should be coming to a close. (YMMV.) We’ll still release rankings the next two weeks and during the playoffs, and we’ll have a few more podcasts this year, and I’ll still be here answering all of your questions… (I’ll always be here, maaaan), but as the readership dwindles and Christmas approaches, I just wanted to take the time to again thank my contributors and you, the Razzball community for making this season another great one.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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“Alexa, what’s the weather like in Buffalo?” “Look outside moron.”

The great leader has spoken and global warming has been confirmed a hoax. I mean, with this much cold weather, how can the Earth be warming? It’s like, if the ice is melting, just get out the bourbon and more ice and enjoy the free air conditioning, maaaan. And if it is snow (prove it!), that’s fine too. I mean, if we can’t have the Game of Thrones premier until next summer, then lets bring it right to Buffalo, am I right? It just makes so much sense, kinda like how Ian Eagle should do play-by-play for porn. But if it isn’t snow (believe it!), we must accept that it’s either massive amounts of cocaine (settle down Michael Irvin, settle down) or the salt of dried tears from all the Julio Jones and Melvin Gordon owners out there. It’s okay, it’s totally normal to end your Fantasy Season like this. I read that on Facebook, the bastion of legitimate news, so I know it’s true. But don’t worry, if you’re looking for a distraction in a post-fantasy football world, or you need something to do the next four years, keep in mind that anything can be a dildo if you’re brave enough…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

At some point, we’re going to get old. Technically, some of us are already there (children of the 80’s unite!). Okay, we’re not that old, but age is probably subjective anyways. And before I give myself an existential crisis, the point I’m trying to make is that Fantasy Sports might be one of those things that don’t have a shelf life. But this season has made me question that conclusion more than usual. I mean, sure, there are things we can do to spice up the experience. Like Craigslist and sex, maybe we’d pay attention more if money is involved, thus, the evolution of money leagues. DFS is, of course, an offshoot. But with NFL’s noticeable ratings drop this year, talk of rearranging when commercials are shown (haha, dream on), the retiring of Thursday Night Football (naw, Jags vs. Titans is always a good idea!) have been some of the things discussed internally. But time is a flat circle, maaaaaaan, so I wouldn’t expect much of anything the NFL does to change. The officiating has been garbage, the penalties for celebrations is an infringement on my right to not eye-roll infinitely. And really, whatever that was on Sunday Night Football last night, which was flexed!… It’s almost as if they aren’t even trying. (Can’t quite tell if I’m talking about the NFL or the Panthers.) The Chargers lost, but I think you already knew that based on this lede, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be mopey. What’s that? Westworld won’t be back on until 2018? Okay. Time to burn this motherf*cker down!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

While the Chargers fan in me wanted this Sunday Night Football game to be a lazy Father’s Day gift (a tie!), the football fan in me just wanted to do a bit of scouting on Tony Romo’s new team next season. But it was hard to do either with the most boring first half of a football game in the history of the NFL, since last Thursday. Though drinking games usually help, instead, to match the theme of this weekend, I went with an eating game. If a first down happened, I ate turkey, and if not, ham. Worked out pretty well, I have to say. And don’t get me wrong, there were some positives last night. Al Michaels’ continued sabbatical is one. (Kinda like February in Palm West, because it’s all about an old man drying out.) There was… okay, so there was one positive. Which really wasn’t a positive at all with Cris Collinsworth trying to speak with Roger Goodell’s balls in his mouth. Just remember, the NFL flexed this game because they honestly thought that it would be more entertaining than the Jets and Patriots. Which would have been futile anyways, unless they happened to flex Westworld instead…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Granted, there are many times when the lede’s topic is about the Sunday Night Football game, but sometimes I like to shake things up a bit. If only because there some really annoying things about it, ranging from Cris Collinsworth not taking a vacation in Syria, to the lazy, league approved narratives for everything, all the way to being reminded that NBC’s dramas are still being made. So sometimes, I just need a breather, ya know? And plus, if there’s an opportunity to make fun of the a Jeff Fisher led team, you know I’m going to take it, no questions asked. If you’re new to the site, I’ll give you a brief synopsis of my own personal feelings towards Fisher. You know how the words “winless” and “undefeated” exist? There should be a word for “being two games under .500”, and I think that word should be: JeffFisher. Here, let’s put it in a sentence: “People keep saying that Todd Gurley is regressing to the JeffFisher, but I really just think it’s because the offense is sh*t.” And now we have the first career game from Jared Goff, and it looked about as bad as we were expecting. And I gotta tell you, I lived in Los Angeles for almost five years… this is not the best way to grow a fan base. Not only is Fisher challenging the patience of Rams fans, but also men’s hair fashions. And also my ability to come up with a third thing, but I think you get the point…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

National Football League, we’ve got a lot of problems with you, and now you’re going to hear about it. In no particular order, when did the NFC North become the new AFC South? With the NFC East being a pretty good division again, does that mean I have to start wearing my 90’s flannel shirts? And should we all get concussions? Afterall, according to you, it’s not just a concussion, it’s a cancussion. Why is it, that amidst your “Salute to Service” Sunday, that you don’t mention that the taxpayers fund all the lavish patriotism we see every Sunday? What is a catch? It’s like the only thing that’s ever stayed a controversy in football since I was a kid. That, and John Elway probably being a secret horse in disguise. In fact, here was the first official NFL rules committee meeting to define what exactly a catch was. But most of all (just in the context of yesterday, because why trap yourself, ya know?), I’m so confused on how the Seahawks actually won. (Note: It’s weird to watch a game where you end up screaming in agony when anything good happens for either team.) Admittedly, I’m not so much confused on how they actually won, that’s pretty straightforward; it was some combination of an overrated New England defense getting exposed, mixed with big nights from Russell Wilson (25/37, 348 YDS, 9.4 AVG, 3 TD, 124.6 RTG and 3 CAR, 6 YDS) and C.J. Prosise (17 CAR, 66 YDS, 3.9 AVG, 10 LONG and 7 REC, 87 YDS, 12.4 AVG, 38 LONG, 7 TGTS). But how the Seahawks could win in such a karmaic (word?) fashion… I mean, talk about sh*tty calls for the last four plays of the game, almost seems familiar. Almost like it’s happened before… And I’m sure the Boston media will have a field day talking about how the “non-call” on Gronk was a crime against humanity, a genocide they’ll say! Well, if he didn’t do such a great job blocking into the endzone on a run play to Blount that should have been the call, they might have had a case. In the mean time, I wouldn’t worry to much about Patriots “nation” forming a protest to go against the result, mainly because they probably think “genocide” has something to do with the Jets…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Look, it was either that or “Lockett the Vote”… The world could end later today, and then who’s going to ever know we watched a Monday Night Football game where stuff actually happened? I mean, there were first downs and touchdowns and remarkable levels of referee derp, it felt as if we watched “football” on a weekday for the very first time. You know, like the Madonna song. And while the broadcast served as a strong example of needing a national day of reflection on banning all political ads, both the Seahawks and Bills stepped up, showing everyone that two competing entities can come together and agree on something. In this case, it was agreeing not to play any defense. But if two teams can do that, maybe there is hope for us all… (so no matter what you believe and where you want us to go, you should #vote!)

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Look people, you try to make a pun out of “Ark”… Regardless, it appears that the top AFC teams coming out of the halfway point in the 2016 season are the usual New England Patriots and the… Oakland Raiders…? I honestly wish I knew why this was happening. I… I think the sun is starting to set on where I live, and I mean that in the most figurative way possible, because, you know, daylight savings time. But this is indeed a strange world we live in. The Oakland Raiders, led by the one Carr brother that’s actually not bad, Amari Cooper, and Latavius “I’ll always be 3/4 of an elite back” Murray, have managed to find themselves in first place in the AFC West with an impressive 5-0 record on the road. Because honestly, the only things that do well in Oakland are bails bondsman, and, you know, gentrification. Progress I guess. But wouldn’t it be great if the Raiders could be added that list? As a totally-not-biased-at-all-trust-me Chargers fan (and I’m throwing up a little in my mouth right now typing this), but it’s a shame that the Raiders have a solid chance to have a pretty great year, and it’s being overshadowed with rumors of the team possibly moving. And we’re talking about a post-Los Angeles not being able to be used as leverage timeline that we’re in, and Mark Davis is still able to do this. Maybe they’ll move to a magical place… called Houston. I don’t think there’s a team there… Listen, my life receives no benefit for suggesting such a radical idea as rooting about a specific aspect for a franchise that, at times, was the black eye (literally too!) of the league, but I did it anyways. A Chargers fan speaking kindly of the Raiders? Truly, the end is nigh.

Here’s what else I saw during yesterday’s Week 9 Sunday games…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Some real good mature Cubs derp right there…

It only makes sense because Ursa Minor is in the World Series, you know, which is still going on. Because Bears-Cubs? Look guys, it’s Halloween and I’m tired and I’m staring at an unopened bag of Twix bars. This was never going to end well. And the same could be said for the Vikings, falling for the dreaded trap game, in prime time no less. A place that the Bears have been located for reasons unknown. And they currently have been in more prime time games than the Chiefs, Raiders, and Falcons, where you’d think the Bears would do what they do best, and that’s suffer in anonymity like the Titans do. So while it was a surprising win, I do understand why they put this game on for Halloween: It was still some horrifying football to watch. I told you, I have a plethora of Twix, the Cubs are in the World Series, Donald Trump is running for President, and the Bears are won a home game at night. We are definitely through the looking glass, and we need to get this over with as soon as possible…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

One is an underrated story that fell apart under it’s own depressive weight and the other is the movie 28 Grams. For those who are wondering why Mark Ingram (3 CAR, 5 YDS, 1.7 AVG, 2 LONG, 1 FUM) did his best impersonation of Toby Gerhart, behold:

New Orleans Saints running back Mark Ingram lost a fumble for the second straight week during Sunday’s win over the Seattle Seahawks. …After that, all of the Saints’ handoffs went to Tim Hightower and rookie Daniel Lasco. Ingram was not available for comment in the locker room after the game. “He wasn’t carrying it loose,” Payton said of the fumble against the Seahawks. “They were able to just pull it free. We’ll be back to work with him.” Payton said not fumbling had been a point of emphasis for Ingram after the previous game, which explains the quick decision to go to Hightower.Source.

I just want to add that Tim Hightower fumbled in the same game AND Ingram has five career fumbles. Five. You know, it would really screw up my week if I have to drive all the way out to New Orleans to punch Sean Payton in the d*ck. Anyhow, we’re here to get ready for Halloween by eating a copious amount of Twix bars to talk about Sunday’s games and Fantasy Football, so let’s get started!

Please, blog, may I have some more?
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