Well, we had some derp, we had a whole bunch of boring, and so… we had your prototypical Monday Night Football game. But clearly, let’s be sure to give them their due, the Vikings are for real. Sorta. Maybe. I mean kinda. That’s my definitive opinion. In what was a not particularly close game (but not really a blow out), the Giants once again proved that they have one of the best wide receiver trio’s in the NFL and have no idea how to use them correctly. Ben Mcadoo-doo and Eli Manning keep trying to make Will Tye a thing, and I have no clue as to why. He’s like the Hollywood version of Jai Courtney. And while the Giants shortcomings on offense have been a big frustrating so far, the same can’t be said for the Vikings. I mean, I haven’t heard this much praise for Norv Turner since he defended Earth from that meteor shower. And who would have thought Sam Bradford was the next coming of “Sam Bradford fulfilling his potential”? I mean, the Vikings are 4-0… incredible. And yeah, half their wins were against the Titans and the Giants, the version of which we saw last night that was quite meh. But the other two are against the Panthers and Packers. You put all this together, and you actually have a team that is on it’s way to the playoffs. And a lot of sad Bears fans…Please, blog, may I have some more?
Yesterday we had a little bit of everything, didn’t we? After voluntarily waking up early for a Colts-Jaguars game in London, I wondered: What happened to my life that would make me do such a thing? I mean, you’d think after all we’ve done for the United Kingdom over the years, they’d have the courtesy to be on the same time zone. And we had plenty of expected outcomes like my Chargers once again clutching a loss from the jaws of victory, the Browns being their usually Brownsy selves, a boring Sunday night primetime game, Cam Newton concussing (a word?) himself again, and, of course, DeAndre Hopkins showing us where all hope goes to die. And then something… majestic happened, something rare. (Some say it only happens once a decade…) But we, as a nation, for the first time this season, witnessed the first Patriots loss of the year. And it was to the hapless Bills. What a time to be alive. In fact, both (or one, or none, who knows?) of the Ryans coached a defense that shut out the Patriots for the first time since 2006, and the first time in New England since 1993. Seems good. But as someone once said, you don’t know the sweet unless you’ve tasted sour. The sour? The Rams and Raiders, the current and former Los Angeles football teams, are currently in playoff contention. One team is coached by Jeff Fisher, and the other by Jack Del Rio. Soak that wierd sh*t in for a second…Please, blog, may I have some more?
I think it’s safe to say that the Dolphins… are not a good football team. Actually, they are pretty terrible. I mentioned in the Live Thread last night that there are usually two versions of the Bengals that show up in primetime games, a regular season version and a playoff version. Now, we got a little bit of both last night… and that’s probably too generous, but there is apparently just one version of the Dolphins, and I call it: “Oh god…” (I’m an atheist, for context.) I last time I’d seen that much incompetence by the color orange since the Presidential Debate. Despite the game being an amazing period of time to nap in, (yes, technically it was a two-score game… sort of like how Taco Bell is “technically” food), but I would like to point out that at the least the Bengals didn’t go full orange during the color rush epoch. They saved us from Dolphin orange on orange mixed with a darker Bengals orange on orange, which would have probably cause color blindness to all viewers. On the bright side, that much orange may have also been the cure to color blindness, so there’s that I guess. (To be fair, I did kind of like the Dolphins color rush uniforms, but I had a hard time remembering what college they played for…)Please, blog, may I have some more?
Well, that was something. And if you think I’m referring to the Presidential debate instead of the game, I’d say, why not both? And while I won’t go into politics here, I’ll do one better and I promise not to drop that “special” teams joke that I’m sure will be the go-to joke at your cooler talk-sesh (are water coolers still a thing?), but I would still continue to point out that weekday football is still, to this very day, able to bring one of two things; derpy or boring. There is no in-between, no negotiation, no choice. These two, that’s it. And you add two teams from the NFC South to the mix? Well, just one look above to see the majesty and grace of “wtf?” confirms my aforementioned theory. And while my predicted score was just a tiny bit aggressive, we still arrived at an Arena Football-esque score. And at times, it was pretty hard to believe that there were Saints players on the field at all when the Falcons were on offense. Then again you could say the same about the Falcons, but to a lesser degree. So I guess I just described this game perfectly: Saints really bad, Falcons a little bit less. Really rolls off the tongue…Please, blog, may I have some more?
Contrary to most people, Fantasy Football actually reinforces my belief in a higher power. Because in my opinion, the statistical probability that the Bears would be so uniquely irrelevant for such a long amount time is far less likely than a giant vengeful sky man wanting to live with you when you die. And if we are talking in terms of fantasy (something we do from time to time), it doesn’t seem that long ago when Jay Cutler was doing his best impersonation of Jay Cutler, but with a cast of Matt Forte, Martellus Bennett, Brandon Marshall, and Alshon Jeffery. Sure, they were still full of derp, still kinda bordered the line between mediocre and hilarious, but they had an offense. More importantly, they had an offense that you wanted to draft on your team. Now all that’s left is Alshon Jeffery living in Hoyer Country. (If he throws a Hail Mary, what shall they do about their papist neighbors?) So whats wrong with the Bears offense? Is it: A) Hoyer can’t throw the ball, B) Kevin White doesn’t know what a Route Tree is, C) The offensive line can’t block, D) Alshon Jeffery hasn’t cared since they shipped Marshall off to the Jets, or E.) All the above? And sure, lets give some credit to the Cowboys. Ezekiel Elliott had a terrific game on the ground (kudos to Zach for calling it in his Start ‘Em/Sit ‘Em post), and Dak Presscott looks pretty legitimate. I mean, let’s be honest, drafting a good quarterback by accident is just about the most Cowboys thing ever. But while I deal with my own feelings as a Chargers fan (alcohol is involved), I have to wonder why the Bears even exist right now, but then I remember that the Cleveland Browns are still a thing and it all makes sense.
Here’s what else I saw in Sunday’s Week 3 games…Please, blog, may I have some more?
Please, blog, may I have some more?
Houston. I hate to be the one, but you are not very good… And I know I can be a bit hyperbolic when it comes to making fun of Thursday Night Football, but honestly, why do we never get normal football? It’s either derp level 10 or a complete snore fest. And unfortunately, last night was the former, and I’m not even sure the Texans ever made it into field goal range the entire game. And you’re expanding this to Twitter for more exposure? So I can see all the dumb comments from New England fans in real time? Seems good. You know, I joked in last night’s live thread that Bill Belichick was enacting his “great strategy” to go undefeated during Brady’s absence, but he’s doing something much more dangerous than that. He’s giving the Boston media reason to start hyping 16-0. Oh god.
Seriously, for those of you who missed it, I spent the entire game trying to formulate ways on filing a restraining order against Jon Gruden on behalf of Carson Wentz. For those of you there… maaan, Gruden gonna be baitin’ hard to Wentz’s game tape from last night, am I right? I’m not even sure how Wentz garnered so much heaping attention and praise from such a mediocre line against such a mediocre team, but there Gruden was, acting like I’m pretty sure how all Eagles fans will be today: over compensating how good Wentz and this team is after destroying what are essentially two FCS schools in the last two weeks. Now, that’s not to say that starting 2-0 doesn’t deserve some praise, especially with the aforementioned rookie quarterback (who had the noteworthy triple-coverage pass shown above) leading the way, but maybe we should wait on waxing poetic until after they beat a team not named the Titans and Bears. Oh, and speaking of the Bears… wow. 1-7 at home last season, and now another disturbingly flat performance in their home opener, not to mention them perpetuating the continual trend of making me suffer through every f*cking Monday Night Football game. I could have fallen asleep and missed nothing…Please, blog, may I have some more?
In what could have been a wonderful work of satire in today’s title, last night’s Sunday excursion into Minnesota’s new football stadium may have upended years of programming in thinking that Sam Bradford (22/31, 286 YDS, 9.2 AVG, 2 TD, 121.2 RTG and 1 CAR, -3 YDS) isn’t quite the second coming of Joe Montana, but moreso a cross between Mr. Glass from Unbreakable and Jimmy Clausen. Yeah, an M. Night Shyamalan reference, deal with it. One game won’t change my expertly crafted comparisons, but after beating a team that has basically controlled the division for the last decade, and doing it mostly without Adrian Peterson who did essentially nothing until finally resigning to get injured and leave the game, should say something. I mean, Matt Asiata got more in his first carry this game than Peterson has ran the entire year… And so when we are in the second week of the season, saying that the Vikings front office was onto something by mortgaging a part of their future in a desperate attempt to replace Teddy Bridgewater may be a step too far as of now (since if you whisper “Sam Bradford” into a mirror three times, one of his ACLs will explode.), it is an encouraging start. And before you think that Bradford may not be the lede you were looking for, I think the meta conversation here is that forming conclusions and finding confirmation bias from two weeks of football is probably not wise. And that’s something that should probably be discussed. It matters in the general football sense if you’re, say, a Seahawks fan, but it also matters in fantasy football if you’re, say, a Todd Gurley owner. When is the right time to panic? To make a move? We’ve only seen about 12% of the season thus far, and to make a baseball reference, that’s game 20. Making waiver moves, exploring trades, probing at what you can do is always a good thing, but my advice here (since I’ve seen a lot of inquiries on this) is to hold for the moment. Or, at the very least, do not sell yourself short. Just wait a bit longer before chugging down the bourbon and gaslighting yourself… one more week, maybe two, before you make any major decisions, and I promise you’ll have a clearer picture and still have enough time left to do something about it.
Here’s what else I saw during yesterday’s Week 2 Sunday games…Please, blog, may I have some more?
I’ll be honest, I was late turning on the game by about five minutes, and arrived to a replay of a stupid shovel pass by Ryan Fitzpatrick and a field goal. Honestly, the Jets had possession for like 14 minutes in the first quarter and was losing… Typical I said! But whoa, 67,000 points later, I was like, what in hell actually happened? Would this be the game that might actually remove the dreaded Thursday night curse of beyond-sh*tty football? Well, probably not, Phil Simms is still alive… baby steps though. In what was a sorta-kinda “color rush” game, also known as GANG LIME JELLO NEON RAVE GREEN game, the Jets actually wanted it both ways, going with their usual white with green uniforms for the sake of the color blind. All eight percent of you. Which is fine, but if you’re going to go all white, it better be something like K-Swiss or else I ain’t even gonna notice. And yes, the game’s final score of 37-31 seems closer than the game actually was (and was probably quadruple what the O/U from Vegas was), but we did find out some valuable information moving forward. First, the Jets defense kinda sucks. Second, I saw some personnel issues with the Bills. Those include: The Bills. Oh, there were also 13 total penalties this game, good for 109 yards. If only I had picked up the referees off waivers instead of the Jets defense…
Special Note: As you might notice after the jump, our new Player Pages are up and running (whenever a player’s full name is written, you’ll be able to click on it and be taken to a magical box of info and other nifty thingamajigs). Special thanks to Rudy for this brand new feature, and he’ll have a post on this later today delving into the development, his process, and what you can expect moving forward. It’ll probably be a bit more informative than calling them “thingamajigs”, that’s for sure. But if you want a quick look-see, check out my favorite player’s page!Please, blog, may I have some more?
I probably should have found a 49ers highlight to go with the title, but there weren’t any. I’m serious.
What a night of football! Said no one ever. In what was probably a taste of things to come for all future Monday Night Football games, the opening salvo of last night’s double-header extravaganza (the sarcasm is already palpable) of the Steelers versus Washington and the Rams versus the 49ers was all I needed to further convince me that Mondays in general should never exist. In an evening that started with some promise for Washington, they soon returned to their normal NFC East ways, and funny how that return also matched the return of O.G. Cousins. Which also seems like a cool rap name. The Steelers soon took over the game because that’s what happens when a NFL defense lets you do whatever you want. The fact that Washington are 2-15 at home on Monday nights and 5-20 in their last 25 primetime games might have something to do with it too. I’m not sure what, but that’s an astounding stat. And so last night, as that first game winded down, a sadness deep in my heart rose, anticipating what was soon to come. And that was the Rams and 49ers game, a battle that will probably end up determining which team reaches 5-11 and 4-12, respectively. God is good, some say, and I believe this is why I’m an atheist. And yeah, the Steelers and 49ers ended up winning, but I’m pretty sure we all lost for it. And one thing’s for sure, after Keenan Allen died, along with the Chargers morale for the rest of the season, I think we know which is the best California team now: the Raiders. And the Stanford Marching Band.Please, blog, may I have some more?