Greetings! I come to you live from the airport, where I sit and judge every single person that walks by simply by their appearance. Why do we do this? The study of human behavior is a fascinating subject, so fascinating that I’ve decided to pay Rudy to build a similar program to Hittertron, that predict how many Razzball writers will block me on Twitter that week. I requested that the Rudester go balls deep, rhino-horn up the pie-hole style, cost be damned! What makes all the other writers hate me? They start off as fans, but eventually begin acting like one of my many, many, many, many, many, many, many, MAAAAAAAANY scorned lovers. Am I just an a*shole? Am I too defensive? Are they too defensive? You’ve got to be realistic about these things as the answer is most likely yes to all of the above, but it’s the details that will shock us, possibly even empower us to become better human beings. And on that note, my rankings are below. May it do ya fine!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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Does anyone else get the old Sherwin Williams jingle stuck in their head when they see Kerwynn Williams’s name? No? Just me?

Anyway, welcome to the 2017 Handcuff Report. For those who followed this post last season, welcome back. For those who are new, where were you last year? Too good for us? I have researched other available handcuff reports and tell give you my completely unbiased opinion that none of them are half as good as this one. Shame on you, and welcome.

So, first things first: what exactly is a handcuff? For the fantasy football n00bs out there, or perhaps for those who have taken the last few years off, a handcuff is a backup who will likely take over as the starter in the event of an injury, extreme ineffectiveness, off-the-field trouble, or coach’s decision. There are probably other reasons that I am forgetting here, but those are the most common one.

Most NFL teams now run a running back by committee of some sort. While not every team is as unpredictably maddening as the Patriots, most teams share the load in an effort to keep guys fresh and give defenses different looks. With fantasy leagues more competitive than ever, thanks to sites like Razzball offering great advice, it is important to recognize trends and identify value quickly. If you drafted a stud running back early, you might want to grab his handcuff in case of injury. Or if you went zero RB or went really light on RB early, you might want to squat on a couple handcuffs or, especially in PPR leagues, grab a change-of-pace/pass catching back. With the influx of young running backs and each team having two or three options this season, I tended to do the latter in drafts this year. For every Melvin Gordon, I have like two Shane Vereens or Theo Riddicks this year. Speaking of young running backs:

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Howdy, Razzballiens. I hope you enjoyed our new Monday format as much as we did. If you missed it, I’ll be concentrating on the analytical side of the Sunday review and Jay’s post will be free form with a lot of great jokes included. Wait a minute… Can I tell jokes too? Maybe I want to tell jokes. Does Jay just want me to leave the jokes to him? Will Jay fire me if I try and tell jokes without his permission and I just do it anyway? [Jay’s Note: Probably.]

If I get fired, how will I pay my joke writer? It’s already crushing my monthly budget and to this point the jokes that my joke writer sells me have been fairly ineffective. What will I tell my parents if Razzball lets me go? It’s been their dream for me to be a fantasy sports blogger since I was in 3rd grade. I can’t imagine their disappointment if I get black balled from the industry. What would my wife and kid think of me? Will they think I’m just another failed fantasy football blogger and will she regret not going out with that doctor who asked her out all of those years ago because I promised her that someday I would become a successful fantasy football blogger? What would Zach think? Would he just quit texting me? It’d probably just be one of those “Yeah, we’ll keep in touch” things, but he’d giggle and delete my number. How will he know how Kenny Golladay is doing on that specific Sunday?

It’s all very confusing, just like David Johnson’s injury. Players drop like flies due to injury which makes the rankings part of the week a roller coaster. Let’s get to it, here are my Week 2 Fantasy Football Rankings…

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What’s going on everyone, and welcome to Week 2! I have to admit, after a few months of getting hyped up, I was let down just a bit, with some very lackluster games during the afternoon and evening. But hey, isn’t the first week always the weirdest? Isn’t that what they say? They do know! Well it is Wednesday my dudes, so let’s dive into my first glance at the Week 2 rankings, but before we do, let’s take a brief recap of the week that was.

Check out Rudy’s exclusive DFS and season-long tools that are sure to help you be profitable this fantasy football season!

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The first couple weeks are where you should spend at least fifty percent of your Free Agent Auction Budget. Yeah, I said Half. At least. Spend that money. These early weeks are mas importante. Don’t worry about dropping the money on the top guys because isn’t it better to have them and drop them than not have a possible lottery ticket? But it does seem a bit weird. We’re not taught to spend all our money right away. We’re supposed to save some for a rainy day. You can, but experience has shown me that the most valuable guys come after the first couple weeks and very often after week one. You don’t need money once the season is over (and if you don’t get one of these guys your seasons may be over a lot sooner than you think), so don’t worry about spending it now.

If you want an FAAB lesson check out the preseason column is here. Now let’s get to the good stuff.  You know these guys because everyone can’t stop talking about them. Here are the top waiver adds and what should you pay (assuming $100 FAAB Budget):

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Welcome back my faithful Horde, to another season of my sexual innuendo-laced musings! Wow, what a Week 1 it has been, huh? My Black Widow curse didn’t seem to waste any time this season and came out PMS’d ovaries a’blazin’! Yours truly made it out of Week 1 unscathed, but I can’t say the same for the rest of you poor bastards. I’m sorry; you know it comes with the territory and with loving me. It could be worse…she could have a more vengeful sister, so be grateful that her PMS only happens for 16 weeks. Okay, sometimes it takes a week off, but only when she has feasted and is satiated. So, how did your respective drafts go? Did you get all your needs met? Me? Not too shabby, although in two leagues I was stuck at the 12 pick again. I am starting to think that the choosing system is a bit misogynistic, but I can hang. I am afraid that this week’s article is going to be a little predictable, since most of the quits are the ones who went down (and not in a good way) but hopefully I can satisfy all of your desires with this week’s hits. So, without further ado, why don’t you sit back, put your feet up, and prepare to be transported into my world. Ladies and gentlemen, inmates and ex-cons, let’s begin another year of Hit it or quit it.

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…Because I Always Welcome Another Thing to Disappoint Me.

Wait, we’re already rebooting Spiderman again? Oh, hey, quick question, anyone know who sponsored the SNF opening? Was it T-Mobile? Sprint maybe? Also, you should know that Von Miller was jumping with butt-flames before it was hip…

Welcome to what I call “Jay’s Review”… since, you know, I’m Jay, and this is my review of Week 1. Spoilier Alert! (That probably should have gone before the last sentence, but f*ck it, we’re doing it live!) For many of you who’ve been wandering around my Razzballs (haha, get it?) for the last four years, you’ve seen the site go through minute but incremental changes. Kinda like the world in general. So DEEP. And so this season, we’re bringing yet another minute and incremental change… If you hadn’t noticed, Matt Bowe led off the day with his take on what happened Sunday… you should check it out. I think it was a love letter to Kenny Golladay, but whatever. Having such an informative asset (potential double entendre alert!) in terms of both Football and Fantasy Football will allow me to spread my wings and fly. Right over to your mother’s house. It’s no secret that I like having a little fun… probably a little too much fun. For those of you who want deep analytics like how I want to watch Deep Impact over and over again (Armageddon is in my top-10, lest we all forget that asteroid movies are my fetish) and some usable fantasy information, Matt’s your guy. If you’d like to have a little fun with what happened Sunday, experience some jokes, watch some great plays in GIF form, create some hot takes, AND still enjoy some “measured” usable fantasy information, welcome to my club! We get spiffy hats. Just kidding. I just get the spiffy hats. TL;DR – Why so serious? See Matt! Want to see me in a spiffy hat? See me!

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Well, that was… something.  Not a really exciting day, right? We waited months and months for three players to go over 100 yards receiving today and only two rushers to go over 100 yards as well.  We had a game in Green Bay where there should have been 800 points scored but neither team could get to 20.

Welcome to my weekly recap of the action we saw on Sunday.  So, I physically can’t watch every play of all 12 or 13 games that go on during the afternoon, but I do watch about 6.5 hours of Redzone every Sunday, so you could say that me and Andrew Siciliano are kind of a thing.  I’ll let you know how I interpret things that I see watching live and what I see in the box score.  I’m not going to bore you with paragraphs upon paragraphs on each game but, I assure you that you will know the trends that you need to know to make decisions for your lineup the next coming week.  Let’s start with the most exciting game from a fantasy stand point…

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Welcome the first week of football, which started off the right way Thursday night when the Chiefs and Kareem Hunt made all of the WEEI listernship collectively question their existence. When life gives New England lemons, make me that sweet sweet schadenfreude is how the saying goes, right? Sans the Monday night double-header, we have a full slate of games today, featuring some interesting matchups between the Cowboys and Giants later tonight, and the Seahawks at the Packers. The Eagles and Redskins also piques my interest, much like how watching a 10-care pile up piques my interest. And have no fear, if you’re in the mood to take a nap, may I introduce to the Andrew Luck-less Colts against the Rams? But don’t worry, even the Jaguars versus the Texans can get me down (if the Jags and Texans have positive yardage, does anyone really notice? DEEP.) on opening Sunday, so without further ado, here’s your updated Razzball Fantasy Football Rankings and opportunity to ask those all so important roster questions!

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Just like with my waiver article earlier this week, my suggestions are going to a bit light this week. I’m only going to be making 1 start and 1 sit recommendation per position since it is only week 1. Going forward I’ll have a lot more data, injuries, tendencies and trends from which to base my selections. Also like the waiver wire article, you won’t find obvious names on here — you know to start your studs and bench your duds.

However, as always, please comment like crazy below and I can get to your league specific questions before game day on Sunday!

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