thestats
The 2014 fantasy football season is over Johnny. It’s over!

So now let’s take a few moments to talk about the players that The Stats Machine has a hard on for.  I’m not sure I like the way that came out, so I’m going to rephrase it. Let’s take a few moments to talk about the players that get The Stats Machine’s bits and bytes on information overload. Without further ado-do…

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T.Y. Hilton did not play on Sunday due to hamstring injury. LeGarrette Blount sat out with a bum shoulder. And in San Diego, Ryan Mathews was inactive for the second straight week with a sore vagina. Oh wait, that was last month… it was an ankle this time. It’s hard to keep track with him anymore. Besides, who cares about the Chargers? Just kidding Jay! I mean with Matt Kemp, Justin Upton and Wil Myers joining the Padres, aren’t they the team to root for now in San Diego? That outfield sounds like the ghosts of fantasy baseball outfield MVPs of the past, present and future!

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Trent-Reznor-III
Last week, Billy Corgan of The Smashing Pumpkins attempted to put himself on the same pedestal as Kurt Cobain and Eddie Vedder in an interview on The Howard Stern Show. Say whaaaat! While I do appreciate a lot of the music he put out in the 90’s, and consider Siamese Dream to be a masterpiece of sound, you Billy Corgan are not quite at the level of those two legends. Pearl Jam and Nirvana are in a class of their own.

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Last Week: 9-5-2, Season Record: 94-69-4 

Greetings! I come to you humbled and begging your forgiveness after my lock of the week pushed this past week, as the Seahawks failed to put their foot on the neck of the Whiners for reasons I’m still struggling to figure out. Myself and the Hawks will make up for it this week, and that’s a guarantee straight from the horses mouth… I’ve been compared to a horse for reasons I’ll leave up to your imagination, and I’m not talking Mr. Ed. Wiiiiiiiilllbuuuuuuur. Put on your big boy/girl thong and let’s get this mula!

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Beddict: Sons of Razzball, I am Tehol Beddict.

Razzball Reader: But Tehol Beddict is seven feet tall!

Beddict: Yes, I’ve heard. He has an ass like Hercules, kills men and women in fantasy football by the hundreds, and if he were here, he’d consume our opponents with fireballs from his eyes and bolts of lightning from his arse. I AM TEHOL BEDDICT. And I see a whole army of my readers, here in defiance of coming out a loser this week. You have come to play with these Elder God blessed athletes, and ye are blessed in the same fashion. What will you do with your chosen soldiers? Will you fight?

VETERAN Razzballer: Fight? Against that? No, we will run, and we will start preparing for our fantasy baseball dynasty leagues.

Beddict: Aye, fight and you may lose in embarrassing fashion. Run and you’ll at least have made it the finals and kept some minimal amount self respect– at least for a while. And dying in your beds many years from now, would you be willing to trade all the days from this day to that for one chance, just one chance to come back here and tell your opponents that they may have boned your wife/husband before you married them, but they’ll never take your FANTASY TITLE?!

I am Tehol Beddict and this is Disgrace/Delight. Take Heed!

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Jay-Cutler-in-Makeup
There would be no other proper way to begin this rant than by saying the four words that are screaming to be ejected from my mouth. Ef you Jay Cutler! What a bag of dog excrement. I don’t know him personally, and he might be a good dude to slam beers with (doubtful), but as far a quarterbacks are concerned, he can just go away. I’m sick of all the “Jay Cutler is a top quarterback” talk that I’ve heard for the past few seasons. He’s not.

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Welcome back, my lovelies!  Here we are at Week 16 already!  Wow, this time has really flown by this season.  Okay, maybe not, but I was trying to be positive there for a second.  Let’s be honest, this Fantasy Football season has totally blown dead bunnies, with Week 15 being the worst of the worst, well, not for my “Black Widow” Curse anyway.  In that regard, Week 15 was like a feast fit for a King…or Queen in this respect.  My Fantasy Updates were popping up faster than Welker on Molly with one injury report after another.  Concussions and broken bones and severed spines, oh my!  I think my curse gained at least 1500 pounds on the man souls it managed to gorge on over the weekend.  And, like the true selfless beauty I am, I made sure it feasted on my own rosters, and not yours…well, not all of yours anyway.  I am a giver as much as a taker.  It’s all about balance.  Most of you are in the same position as me right now, and it is not a pretty one.  We are forced to look at fifth and sixth stringers and we’ve had to dig so deep in depth charts that we are close to striking oil or finding some old dinosaur bones or something.  Whatever it may be, one thing is for certain, fantasy football is a game of chance, plain and simple, just like dating.  So, let’s cruise the fantasy football version of match.com, see what rejects are left for us to pick up, so that we can continue to limp those hoopties into Week 16, and, by the grace of God, possibly a playoff victory.  Get in, sit down, strap up, and hold on, my lovelies, it’s time for Hit it or Quit it, Week 16.

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I hate goodbyes. I hate when Sundays end. I hate when I hear Carrie Underwood singing “You’ve been waiting all week for Sunday Night.” No, not because she is hotter than I am, or I am jealous of her perfect legs. I hate it because Sunday night signifies the end of the weekend and the end of my fantasy football game. Okay, I am being melodramatic; I still have Monday night to watch football. But by the time Sunday night comes, I already know if I won or lost. And so of course, yesterday I already had that same feeling, and it wasn’t good. So let’s make it into a metaphor… it’s the “Sunday night” of the fantasy football season for many of us, where most of the football games are behind us, and we are holding on to the last two weeks of fantasy land, the Monday night of the season.

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Has any one set your gaze upon the mystifyingly glorious Great Pyramid of Giza? Perhaps you’ve often thought about, as I have, about dedicating your lives to attempt to discover the whereabouts of the remnants of the Ancient Gardens of Babylon? Indeed, we’ve all fantasized about having a magnificent statue erected of ourselves, such as the statue of Zeus at Olympia, where we shall ever be remembered for our celebrated conquests and remarkable achievements. Truly you, like me, Tehol Beddict, have ever fantasized about bending over some fair maiden in the Lighthouse of Alexandria, all the while marveling at the thunderous waves crash far below. If what I say is true, and you know it is, then you’ve more than likely often dreamt about the power and the glory that is none other than Julio Jones.

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