Welcome to the first official installment of Betting With Beddict. Exciting, I know. Last week, I included my picks for the week and was obliterated, going 5-11. Since it wasn’t an official BWB post, we shouldn’t count it. Am I right or am I right? Or am I right? Obviously, I don’t, or wouldn’t bet on each and every single game, as that’s for the rich and stupid. Beddict is in the stay-rich business, and what hurts the most is that the three teams I believed in most of all totally let me down. I believed Seattle [Jay's Note: LOL], San Fran, and Miami to be full on locks, and was quickly humbled like Ray Rice when thousands of fans lined up to return their Rice jerseys on Friday… or like Christian Slater when he tries to go straight into nightclubs through the VIP line and gets choke slammed and left convulsing on the concrete. Sports gambling is a roller coaster, and if you’re truly taking it seriously, you can’t do what I did a few years ago and just starting betting on every single sporting event that’s going to be on TV. Don’t go there, trust me. I ended up in small village in Nicaragua, sucking the toes and taint of a drug lord’s wife, only so he’d spare my life. After completing my 3 year bid of red eye punching, I returned to the states and usually only picked a few games to throw down on, but you’ll get my take on every game and hopefully it helps you out in some way shape or form. As a bonus, my posts are extremely entertaining (debatable), so at the very least, you’re getting an extra serving of Beddict, and that’s nothing to turn your nose up at.

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When Daniel LaRusso unleashed the crane kick on John Lawrence at the end of the finals of the 1984 All Valley Karate Championships, not only did he win the tournament and defeat the Cobra Kais, but he also made movie history. If any guy tells you that he’s never gotten into the crane kick position, he’s either lying, physically disabled or lying. The only movie scene I’ve reenacted more times than the crane kick is when Thornton Melon gets on the diving board, executes a few armpit farts and tests the wind with his thumb before pulling off the Triple Lindy.

What does any of this have to do with fantasy football? Very little, but if you want to be the best around (or at least in your league) you need to be willing to take advantage of any advice that may come your way. We do not train to be merciful here. Mercy is for the weak. Here, in the Stats Machine, in competition: An opponent confronts you, he is the enemy. An enemy deserves no mercy. With that, I offer you the second installment of the Stats Machine in hopes that its content can give you that edge you deserve for reading this post.

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Welcome to the real world, where the Saints are 0-2 and 80’s pop music cries, waiting to be recognized once again.  Now, I am not one to go off on tangents or shed tears for the Saints at all, the team’s problem is and will be defense all year.  Khiry Robinson comes up after the broken wings of Mark Ingram, whose injury has given Khiry the uniform of youth.  And by that, I mean the starters pinny, that we as fantasy footballians covet from a late round pick.   It’s love, not because I wish the Saints offense was more black and white, but because they are a pass-happy bunch that grinds it at the goal line.  I get it, and I hope they don’t slow down and run to her (her being the end zone), early and often.  So if I had my way, I would sculpt the Saints playbook with my own hands, and include the versatile backs that they employ down in the shadows of Lake Pontchartrain.  So here’s what I foresee happening this week with Khiry, and why if you are in a bind with injuries or insecurities about roster spots, he may be a good bet to net you some positives this week.

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Greetings!!! Week two was hella crazy, ya’ll; Adrian Peterson suspended for child endangerment, A.J. Green going down with a toe injury before making a single reception, and Jake Locker being beyond atrocious. Okay, well, maybe that last one wasn’t so shocking… but every soul on earth other than the legendary, Jay(Wrong), had Locker going HAM and eggs on the what was supposed to be pathetic defense of the Dallas Cowboys. Thinking about the once salivating thought of Locker to Justin Hunter, now sickens me beyond a level I believed only possible in the depths of Hades. More on these two bricks, later. My first four picks in my highest money league were as follows: Peterson, Alshon Jeffery, Andre Ellington, and Rob Gronkowski. Needless to say, I’m 0-2 and almost b*tch slapped my chicken out of anger. But then, I thought of Michael Vick, Ray Rice, Da Kraken, and the aforementioned AP, and decided to instead, hug my chicken, Beatrice, for love is the answer ya’ll. I’m Tehol Beddict, the only former-male thong model in history to be published in any form of sports writing, and this is, Disgrace/Delight! Take Heed!

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One of my favorite scenes from Major League is when the Cleveland locals are reading the list of players on the Indian’s upcoming roster. Their reactions and comments are priceless.

If you entered week 2 with the following starting lineup, you would not only be laughed out of your league, but you’d probably be better off quitting fantasy football. Or perhaps not…

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Welcome back, my lovelies, to this week’s rendition of Hit It or Quit It. Hopefully, this week’s article finds you with your MCL’s, ankles, knees, toes, and elbows intact and where they are supposed to be, unlike the poor bastards on many of our rosters this past weekend. OUCH! Somehow, yours truly managed to squeeze out a 5-1 record for my leagues this weekend, while starting the best of the worst, a few no names, and a couple of poor schmoes who happened to be working the grounds crew at Met Life Stadium (Thanks, Manuel! I needed that turnover!). Did I just get lucky? Right place, right time? Or is this week’s domination in my leagues an indication of my Fantasy Football genius? I’ll let you make the call… (Hint: It’s the latter). So, before the refs from last night’s Bears-9’ers game decide to flag me for excessive celebration, let’s get into this week’s slim pickin’s and outright grenades. Gentlemen, and a few ladies, I give you Hit It or Quit It: Week 3.

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Projections are like opinions, and you know what Dirty Harry said about opinions.

“Well, opinions are like as*holes. Everybody has one.” -Harry Callahan (Dead Pool, 1988).

Projections are “informed” guesses, often by someone who thinks they know more than the next. Hopeful approximations. A false promise almost guaranteed to disappoint. Projections are generally misleading and biased, and we can hardly rely upon them. If projections were accurate they wouldn’t be projections, they’d be stats. And if projections were consistently correct, fantasy sports would be an incredibly boring pastime. In a fantasy world filled with projections, many of us are starved for facts. But to where should we turn? The stats. Why? Because stats do not lie. In fantasy football they paint a near exact picture of what has occurred and how each player has, or has not, produced.

One famous, and dead, author might disagree. A long time ago Mark Twain said “There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.” I call bullsh*t Mr. Twain. Me and everybody reading this article knows that if you were alive today, you’d not only be in at least four fantasy football leagues, but you’d be reading Razzball in hopes of uncovering that small bit of advice or oddball statistic that helped you win the coming week’s matchups and bring you one step closer to a fantasy championship.

Okay, enough banter. Let’s get to why we are here. How can we leverage the stats to help pinpoint players that are at the top of their game, or perhaps on their way there.

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Yeah, why not, a little Lou Reed… could be worse.  So this week’s spotlight will be shining on Delanie Walker.  For those of you who didn’t read last week’s post, let’s just say I am as happy as a T-rex with a back scratcher.  So if you own Jimmy or Gronk, or people all around the world of King Julius, you don’t really need to pay much attention here. The position is filled with uncertainties and injuries.  Tyler Eifert and Jordan Reed are toast right now.  The reports about Chuck Clay and Jordan Cameron are worrisome right now.  You have the ineffective first weeks of several other guys: Witten and Heath Miller.  This is where the pitch comes. Delanie Walker is playing the hapless Cowboys defense that couldn’t guard Vernon Davis or his five heads for the first half of last week’s game, that for all intents in purposes was over at halftime.  As SF started granny shifting and made Dominic Toretto post a SMH in his tinder account.  So picture this Walker, hapless defense not a fantasy savior but a fantasy guy being overlooked.

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Beer bonging a gallon of chew spit while watching your pregnant mother get a$$ blasted by Ron Jeremy> Owning Larry Fitzgerald in fantasy football in 2014.

-Tehol Beddict

Greetings, and welcome to another excruciatingly sexy edition of, Disgrace/Delight! I am your honored master of ceremonies, the Tehol Beddict, and I come to you bearing gifts. Where in the name of the Elder Gods are these gifts, you ask? The presents I offer you, distinguished ladies and gents, is the verbiage I’ve spewed out for you below in the form of written communication. Take it all in (swallow, don’t spit) and leave your thoughts and questions when you’re finished reading, as each and every one of you deserve special attention (ladies and Sky especially ).

You know what the deal is here and you definitely know what the real is. This is: DISGRACE/DELIGHT!!! TAKE HEED!

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Well, gentlemen (and a few ladies), here we are. My first highly anticipated article, for all of you Razzballers. I know, I know, you are all saying, “Jay? What are you doing bringing a girl on? Don’t you know she has breasts? What could she possibly know about fantasy football?” Well, my steadfastly misogynistic readers, although you are correct, I do have breasts (and they are spectacular), I assure you they do not impinge on my ability to throw down some fantasy football knowledge. One thing I have learned in my years of playing fantasy football is that it’s a lot like dating. Yeah, sure, dating sucks, but depending on where you are picking in your draft, or drafts, your roster(s) can suck too. However, in fantasy football, it is a lot easier to get rid of the deadbeat creeper on your roster than it is to get rid of that real-life creeper living in the bushes outside of my house. [Jay's Note: I feel like that message came out loud and clear J-FOH.] So, without further ado, join me as I bring you the buys and sells this week, with my first ever “Hit it or Quit” for your viewing pleasure.

Please, blog, may I have some more?