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Brian Bellows. Who the h-e-double hockey sticks is Brian Bellows? He was the first round pick (2nd overall) for the Minnesota North Stars in 1982 who went on to become the franchise’s all time leading goal scorer by putting 342 pucks in the net. And it is Neal Broten, a member of the 1980 US Olympic hockey team, that won gold in Lake Placid, who holds the record for points (796) and assists (547). But perhaps the most famous and my favorite North Star is Mike Modano, the all-time goal-scoring and points leader amongst American-born players in the NHL (sorry Dino Ciccarelli fans). In 26 seasons, the North Stars of Minnesota played 2062 regular season games and made the NHL playoffs 17 times, including 2 losing Stanley Cup appearances. In 1993 they said goodbye to Bloomington, Minnesota and its fans and moved to Dallas, Texas rebranding themselves as the Dallas Stars. Poor attendance during a string of losing seasons, an inability to reach an agreement on a new arena, and a sexual harassment suit against team owner, Norm Green, are the primary reasons given for the team’s departure. There were actually plans of moving to Los Angeles and becoming the L.A. Stars, but apparently The Walt Disney Company was already in talks with the NHL to bring the Mighty Ducks of Anaheim to the league.

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Well, well, well, here we are again, my lovelies, creeping up on Week 5 of the 2014 NFL season. Did I say “creeping”? I meant hobbling, limping, gimping, crawling, and generally just dragging our sad, broken and battered remnants of the rosters we once drafted through another week. Heading into Week 5, my Black Widow Curse is still in full swing, and there continues to be plenty of man souls for me to feast upon, or to adorn in my glass trophy case. One of these days I will learn to pick off your rosters, instead of my own, but hey, curses aren’t an exact science, and as I said before, a girl’s gotta eat. Hell, even the stalker in the bushes outside of my house has started to abide by the fifty yards stipulated in the restraining order, for fear that the curse will hit him and he’ll blow out a knee or tear a hammy. [Jay's Note: Baby steps J-FOH... baby steps.]

If you are in the same position as I am, and many of you are, judging by the comments you left on my last week’s article, we are now rostering many waiver wire players to fill in the gaps. Heck, even Keanu Reeves would be impressed with The Replacements we have going on. But, much like that bomb of a movie, our rosters are also bombing, as we are forced to start the best of the worst. So, I am here again to drop some fantasy football advice, give you a chance to fill in those gaps, break up with some of those rostered deadbeats who aren’t pulling their weight, and hopefully, just maybe, escape my Black Widow Curse for one week. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you, Hit it or Quit it: Week 5.

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Overall: 16-17-1, Week 3: 9-6-1

Greetings! Hopefully some of you are plunging balls deep into the world of sports betting. There’s really no superior way to ruining your life, errr, I mean having a fabulous time. I’ve gone through periods of my life where I’ve bet 50 bucks a game and I’ve gone through times when I was driving down to Tijuana sports books and traversing to Vegas to throw down thousands. Those were stressful times and putting stress on the body, especially in my case, since it’s the only thing that makes me money, can lead to health problems down the road. Nowadays, I do it more for sport. Kind of like Tinder. Or is that sports f*cking? Either way, being a consistent winner is sports betting is almost impossible or obviously more people would do it for a living. Yes, I went 5-11 in a horrific Week 2, but those weeks happen to the best of us. Not to mention, nobody of any intelligence actually puts money down on every single football game. I SORT OF redeemed myself with a 9-6-1 record this past weekend and aim to continue this streak of above .500 play in Week 4. I somehow forgot to put a pick in for TNF on my Disgrace/Delight post, so we’re already down one game. That was a game to stay away from anyway, though I’m sure the majority of squares took Washington. (I probably would have). I’m exhausted from 18 holes of golf yesterday, so we best get to the picks before drugs are required to keep me going. Yes, I lead a rough life, but I didn’t choose this life. It chose me. This is Betting With Beddict, so Elder Gods please SHOW US THE MONEY.

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A long time ago in a fantasy football league far, far away…

I’ve been waiting for you Le’Veon Kenobi. Le’Veon… Now that’s a name I’ve not heard in a long time.

The force is strong with the Stats Machine. Influenced by Jedi Masters such as Delanie Skywalker and Yoda, its ability to harness the force is unparalleled. With the highest midichlorian count in the galaxy, the Stats Machine is destined to help you defeat the dark side and bring peace and victory to your league. So grab a Colt 45 with Landry Calrissian (yes the Stats Machine just gave a shout out to Jarvis Landry), fire up a hookah with Jabba the Luck, let out a Chewbacca-like growl with Queen Amendola and get ready to start swinging your light saber. And remember, it’s not the size (or color) of your light saber that matters, it’s how you use it.

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So, this week, we are doing a little Neil Diamond ‘Turn on Your Heartlight’, but using spotlight instead. And we’re using it on Dwayne Allen.   Yeah, it’s okay to be still singing Neil. Shucks, I am as I continue to write this. So the tight end position has become a walking abyss of uselessness after the barrage of injuries have ransacked the rankings. All of these injuries actually catapult the value of Jimmy Graham into a different category.  Don’t believe me? Go look, but I am definitely not waiting for you. I mean Graham was already there, and the rest of us who don’t own him are now suffering through the bye week fill-ins and injury replacements. That’s where Dwayne comes in, and goes Hey Hey Hey. Stick around as I give you some morsels of fantasy goodness that may convince you to join the smoke-show clan of the Hudson river.

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Greetings! Tis I, Beddict, the Godfather of sexual mischief and fantasy football knowledge alike, here to continue this storied tradition that we here at Razzball refer to as, Disgrace/Delight. We’re on a word count this week so we better get right to it. I will continue to cover film and television but we had too much football and not enough space this week and for that, I apologize. Okay, let’s get on with it then! Take Heed!

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Hey now! Baba Booey fantasy footballers.

I have been listening to the Howard Stern show for the better part of the last 20-something years, and I can proudly say that the show has shaped my definition of humor. Anyone who thinks that fart jokes or any other expression of toilet humor is not funny is either lying or uptight, and is someone I’d prefer not to associate with unless life dictates that I must. While many of this generation will recognize Stern as a judge on America’s Got Talent, he will forever be known to me as Fartman, and the man that has made me laugh innumerable times. Howard Stern has entertained millions and has paved the professional path for so many ungrateful others. Those that think he is a just a rude and obnoxious disc jockey obviously have no idea who Howard Stern really is. Stern is an intellect. He is honest, original and the deeply opinionated loud mouth voice of many who justifiably describes himself as “The King of All Media”.

But one thing that Howard Stern is not, is a sports fan. He likely knows less about fantasy football than Beetlejuice, or anyone else in the show’s renowned wack pack. Howard would hate fantasy football for the mere fact that it means his staff is not as focused on their jobs as he’d prefer them to be during the NFL season. Howard has taken a ton of criticism with regards to his portrayal of the members of the wack pack. Many will say that he treats them like players that don’t even belong in a league’s player pool, let alone the waiver wire. That couldn’t be further from true. Howard appreciates them for their inability to understand why they are special (funny) and in the real world, and after Robin, Fred, and Gary, they would be his top round picks. However, in the real world, we would never draft our super-deep sleepers anywhere near the early rounds of a draft. If you did, you’d be severely handicapping your team. Or would you?

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Welcome back, my lovelies! As anticipated, this week has not fared any better for our gladiators of the gridiron. My black widow curse appears to have caused more injuries, and thereby claimed some more man souls for my glass trophy case. Don’t blame me; I stash them away for later. A girl has to eat, right? I can honestly say that this has been one of the most injury-heavy starts to an NFL season that I have ever bared witness to. How bad you ask? Well, it’s so bad, that players who have retired are now coming OUT of retirement and resigning with their previous teams. Really, James Harrison? Really?? Forget last call. We are now so desperate for starters that we have turned to the fantasy football version of online dating and are taking whatever is thrown at us in a desperate attempt to eke out some action. But, much like some of the creeps, weirdos, and freak show-quality genetic anomalies you find on online dating sites, we have learned that desperation leads to shame and regret. And shame and regret are two things that many of us are feeling right about now. So, with that, I give you this week’s Hit it or Quit it, with the hopes that you won’t need to drink away your shame with bootleg moonshine you made in your pappy’s bathtub.

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Welcome to the first official installment of Betting With Beddict. Exciting, I know. Last week, I included my picks for the week and was obliterated, going 5-11. Since it wasn’t an official BWB post, we shouldn’t count it. Am I right or am I right? Or am I right? Obviously, I don’t, or wouldn’t bet on each and every single game, as that’s for the rich and stupid. Beddict is in the stay-rich business, and what hurts the most is that the three teams I believed in most of all totally let me down. I believed Seattle [Jay's Note: LOL], San Fran, and Miami to be full on locks, and was quickly humbled like Ray Rice when thousands of fans lined up to return their Rice jerseys on Friday… or like Christian Slater when he tries to go straight into nightclubs through the VIP line and gets choke slammed and left convulsing on the concrete. Sports gambling is a roller coaster, and if you’re truly taking it seriously, you can’t do what I did a few years ago and just starting betting on every single sporting event that’s going to be on TV. Don’t go there, trust me. I ended up in small village in Nicaragua, sucking the toes and taint of a drug lord’s wife, only so he’d spare my life. After completing my 3 year bid of red eye punching, I returned to the states and usually only picked a few games to throw down on, but you’ll get my take on every game and hopefully it helps you out in some way shape or form. As a bonus, my posts are extremely entertaining (debatable), so at the very least, you’re getting an extra serving of Beddict, and that’s nothing to turn your nose up at.

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When Daniel LaRusso unleashed the crane kick on John Lawrence at the end of the finals of the 1984 All Valley Karate Championships, not only did he win the tournament and defeat the Cobra Kais, but he also made movie history. If any guy tells you that he’s never gotten into the crane kick position, he’s either lying, physically disabled or lying. The only movie scene I’ve reenacted more times than the crane kick is when Thornton Melon gets on the diving board, executes a few armpit farts and tests the wind with his thumb before pulling off the Triple Lindy.

What does any of this have to do with fantasy football? Very little, but if you want to be the best around (or at least in your league) you need to be willing to take advantage of any advice that may come your way. We do not train to be merciful here. Mercy is for the weak. Here, in the Stats Machine, in competition: An opponent confronts you, he is the enemy. An enemy deserves no mercy. With that, I offer you the second installment of the Stats Machine in hopes that its content can give you that edge you deserve for reading this post.

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