Last week, I had the ALCS on the television as I was researching some fantasy fantasy football on my MacBook Pro, and something funny happened. My wife, who’s more of a Total Divas and House Hunters kind of viewer, looked up at the game and said “is that Philip Seymour Hoffman?” Without turning my head I knew exactly who she was talking about, and immediately starting laughing. While she knows that the inventor of the shart is no longer with us, I have to admit, the resemblance is a bit uncanny. And in case you haven’t figured it out, the Philip Seymour Hoffman impersonator I am referring to is none other than Buck Showalter…

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Welcome back, my lovelies! Here we are again, hooptie-ridin’ into Week 8. Yours truly managed to go a solid 4-2 this past week, which was not too bad considering most of my rosters now are waiver wire pickups and those few grounds crew guys I picked up back in Week 3 (Manuel is currently my all-time points leader). It also seems that the trip to the Voodoo Mambo, to rid me of the Black Widow curse, helped somewhat, as I managed to get through Week 7 without any of my players incurring concussions, blown knees, felonies, misdemeanors, or severed appendages. But, hey, it is Monday night at 8:00 PM as I am writing this, and I still have a couple guys playing tonight, so… anything is possible. Before I decide to feast upon more man souls this week, follow me and my spectacular breasts (they still don’t inhibit my ability to throw down some Fantasy Football knowledge) as we journey together into Hit it or Quit it: Week 8.

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I will forever despise Austin Davis for what he did to me on Monday Night football. I speak not of the touchdown pass he threw in the first half (yippeeeee), but of the pick-6 he gifted to the Niners that beat me in fantasy ON MY BIRTHDAY!!! Austin Davis and the entire Rams organization is a total joke, and I hear they’re moving to L.A. For the City of Angel’s sake, let’s hope that they leave Davis in St. Louis along with Jeff Fisher (one of the most overrated head coaches in NFL history along with Brian Schottenheimer, one of the worst play callers in NFL History). We all knew the pick was coming, and boy did it come… all over my face! Just the interception by itself would have at least given me a tie, but that’s obviously too much to ask for on the Elder Gods’ favorite son’s birthday. That embarrassingly pathetic play lost and won thousands of fantasy match ups this weekend, and I’ll probably never get over it. Kudos to you if you won with the Niners defense on that same play. Cool Beans. You really earned that one, guys. Let’s get this over with so I can gorge myself on my leftover birthday cake, which will hopefully place me in a state of hibernation until next week. Yea, most depressing birthday in Beddict history. They say time heals all things… except fantasy football losses, those stick with you forever.

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Just imagine, if there were multiple crows in a group, that piece would be murder on Jacksonville.  Oh hello there, didn’t notice you reading this.  Well, I am about as calm as a Buddhist cow right now, and the whole play-on-words stuff is just so much fun that I just wish I didn’t hock my banjo.  So, last week was good, if that’s why you’re here, just careful on the back. (I have wings back there that are a little premature and tender.)  One of these days, this whole spotlight on guys who aren’t getting enough starting love will take off, and I will tour the country on my tandem bicycle with my sidekick, Vito, who may or may not have been a “cleaner” before witness protection.  So this week, we turn Isaiah Crowell, the complimentary running back in Cleveland, who is an overzealous fart from Ben Tate away from fantasy woohoo-ness.  Even with Tate being healthy, I still recommend you find a spot for him.  I can’t type it all in one sentence, so you are going to have to stay and read some letters that form words, that form sentences, and then paragraphs.  What else are you doing?… Working. BWAHAHAH.

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In 1983, David Copperfield made the Statue of Liberty disappear. Years later, he walked through the Great Wall of China. Year after year, he dazzled audiences with his mastery of illusion, sleight of hand, and showmanship. I have watched every television special, seen him live nearly 10 times, and have learned several of his secrets over the years. David Copperfield is the reason magic has become what it is today. But sadly, when magic is at the height of its popularity in what seems to be the era of the street magician and cutting edge in your face magic, he has appeared to disappear.

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Well, hello there my lovelies! I hoped you missed me as much as I missed all of you? I am sorry that I had to miss out on bestowing Fantasy Football knowledge on you this past week, and that I was not able to get to all of your questions from Week 5. I was forced to travel to the darkest regions of the Cajun swamps of N’Orleans to visit a Voodoo Mambo, with the hopes that she could rid me of this Black Widow curse. Regardless, here we are again, all limping, gimping, hobbling, and dragging our sorry a**es into Week 7. I, for one, have embraced the Hooptie that is my fantasy football rosters and as I roll, tailpipe draggin’, into week 7, one thing is certain, the Cajun Mambo did nothing as my Black Widow Curse is still alive and kickin’. Oh, and before we roll on further, no, the title to this week’s article has nothing to do with the peeps I plan on covering. I just wanted an opportunity to toss out some more adolescent humor that I picked up this week from one of the best Fantasy Football team names I have ever seen. So, with that in mind, let’s get to it, shall we? Razzballers and Razzballettes, I give you, Hit it or Quit it: Week 7.

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Those of you in your 30’s shouldn’t have a hard time remembering George Michael’s Sports Machine. Running from 1984 to about 2007, and airing on Sunday nights, it was a 30-minute television show dedicated to providing the highlights of the past week’s sporting events. I did a quick search on Ancestry.com, and it turns out the Sports Machine and Stats Machine are very distant relatives. I hope George’s estate doesn’t sue me. Now that I have cleared that up, let’s move on.

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Overall: 31-29-1, Week 5: 9-6-0.

Greetings!!! Welcome to another exciting edition of Betting With Beddict. We’re back over .500 with a 9-6 week!!! If you’d like to join Sky and I to celebrate, just meet us down in Tijuana, as we’re trying to hit every donkey show in the city. I sent Fantasy Football Hottie a first class plane ticket, but no word on if she’s joining us or not. Either way, you need to follow her on Twitter as she’s a total peach (whatever that means). My lock of the week, the Seattle Seahawks (7.5) barely covered, but hey, that’s gambling. If it wasn’t for Dallas and Chicago choking like Lisa Anne on an 18 incher, it’d been a day for the ages. I’ve been celebrating my birthday all week, so please excuse the lack of wordiness, humor and usual Tehol-ness (I’m sure you’re devastated. Especially Jay). Last week, one of my favorite commentators, Goodfold2, joined in on the fun just to see how difficult this truly is. Him and I both cordially challenge you to join in and see if you can defeat me week to week or even throughout the season. If someone dominates me for a month or even an entire season I MIGHT just hit you with a Razzball T-shirt, cuz we homies yo. Just remember, if sports betting were easy, everyone would do it. The quest for the perfect week continues so let’s get it poppin’.

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In 2009, when he was mounting a campaign to be the first white running back in 35 years to win the Heisman Trophy, Toby Gerhart was sometimes referred to as “The Great White Hope”. [Jay's Note: Dat's raycess.] I thought that was Peyton Hillis, but I could be wrong. Gerhart was a consensus First-Team All-America selection, the Pac-10 Offensive Player of the Year, and one of 5 finalists for the Heisman Trophy. Despite winning the Doak Walker Award as the best running back in the nation and the Jim Brown Trophy given to the top running back in the country, Gerhart’s dream of breaking the Heisman barrier fell short as he finished in second place to Mark Ingram by 28 points, which was the slimmest of margins in 74 years. He was drafted in the second round of the 2010 the NFL draft by the Minnesota Vikings and spent the next 4 years as Adrian Peterson‘s backup.

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