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Trent Richardson just experimenting with his new tactic of gaining yardage by getting tackled from behind.

So apparently ESPN had their huge unveiling last night for their new piece of technology that celebrates Chip Kelly’s innovativeoffense by creating a clock that works in reverse of a play clock. So the numbers now count up instead of down. I’m sure money, time, and development went into this, so I should point out that cancer is still a thing. Regardless, the game itself was strangely entertaining for an MNF slot that hasn’t felt relevant this decade. Sure, most of that excitement was produced by Darren Sproles, who is so tiny and fast. And while Foles and the Eagles offense has struggled mightly now in the first half of their first two games, to their credit, they’re now 2-0. And despite an obvious holding call directly leading to a crucial Andrew Luck interception in the 4th quarter, the Colts seemed to waste an actually effective running tandem in Trent Richardson and my chosen one, Ahmad Bradshaw with lousy repetitive play-calling and the mistakable urge to play for field position towards the end of the game. It’s not a death march by any means, but 0-2 is not how I imagined the Colts starting.

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dysentery

To be honest, I’m not really sure what to do with myself right now. As I’m writing today’s recap (which will be yesterday’s recap when you read this), I find myself essentially writing my first ever obituary. It’s certainly not a fun feeling writing about gruesome, year-threatening, maybe even career-threatening injuries, but seeing as this all came on a day where we saw the Cleveland Browns finally have an opportunity to understand what this “happiness” emotion is that they’ve heard so much about, but have never experienced, and that the Bills are officially on pace to go 16-0, we can try to find some sort of silver lining here. Or just realize that the world is about to come to an end. Also, LOL Jets.

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Green Bay Packers v Minnesota Vikings

Did he beat his kid until he was purple? Jesus.

So, as if there hasn’t been enough negative news going around these parts, apparently, the Vikings running back wishes to keep the dominoes going. In other news, thanks for making me hungry for pizza too. Ya jerk.

Vikings running back Adrian Peterson has been indicted on charges of child injury in Texas, according to multiple reports. 

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They don’t call it the Charm City for nothing!

God, these teams are both terrible. At least that’s what I got from last night’s game. I remember when this matchup was good. Now it’s like watching a fight in the old age home between two withered, senile dudes in diapers. One thing’s for sure, The Ravens overcame a lot of adveristy last night, if adversity means the Steelers. And, to Pittsburgh’s credit, they all looked remarkably calm for being on a boat that’s sinking. For the complete recap of the game, I’ve compacted it into one sentence for each team, so as to limit your suffering: Ravens — Six trips inside the 20 and two TDs. (Thanks, no, we were just looking.) Steelers — Even by Todd Haley standards, that was some sh*t playcalling. (“HOW DO I FOOTBALL?”) But hey, you have to admit, Joe Flacco looked at least 2% more elite with that rugged beard.

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Well, as referenced last night, the derpiness was magnified 10-fold with two Monday Night Football games being played. For the Giants, well, I can only say that it’s my honor to watch Tom Coughlin’s last year as head coach. The team looked drunk most of the night, I guess wanting to join in on my fun. The optimist in me would say that things can only improve from here on out, but I know Eli Manning better than that. (He’s on pace for 32 interceptions. I believe!) On the flip side, we saw Matthew Stafford and Calvin Johnson play catch for most of the evening. There must have been something the Giants defense could have done to prevent all those touchdown passes to Megatron. Maybe they could have had some of their players around the area that Mr. Johnson occupied, perhaps making it more difficult for the ball to be thrown to him? They could call this wonderful new invention “pass coverage”. And while in the second quarter when the game was still close, it looked like all the other Lions games I’ve watched, where the two teams are essentially two friends at dinner arguing over who is going to pick up the check. Eventually, someone gives in, but the act is just weird over-generosity at that point. But alas, the game ended pretty quickly thereafter and we were left with an important question: Are the Lions good at football, or are the Giants a dumpster fire?

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TMZ Sports has released the complete and disturbing video that shows Ray Rice punching his then-fiancee in the face in an Atlantic City hotel in February. This is the first time we have seen footage of Rice actually hitting Janay Rice (then Palmer), and while I won’t link it here because abuse, of any kind, sickens me, I’m sure Google can help you out. There are conflicting reports of whether or not the NFL and Roger Goodell had access to this “extended” cut when deciding the length of Rice’s suspension, because I’m sure at this point, the league would rather just look completely stupid than heartless, but, at least in my eyes, it looks like they’re going to come out as both. Nailed it!

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 uk2ZYmu

An artist’s depiction of yesterday’s Cowboys game.

I’ve come to the conclusion that the first every Sunday of football should always have the Dallas Cowboys doing whatever that was they did yesterday afternoon. In fact, let’s start a petition to have them on Monday AND Thursday night as well. I mean, can we even say that the Cowboys actually did anything in training camp? This looks like the exact same team from last year, and I’ve already started decorating my house for the holidays seeing as how the Cowboys are already in mid-December form. True, as the sharp and always entertaining (in gouging your own eyes out sort of way) commentating duo of Joe Buck and Troy Aikman informed us, if not for all the turnovers, this would have been a close game. I’ve never seen something so beautifully and succinctly useless at the same time. If it weren’t for the Normandy landing and the eastern invasion of Russia, Germany had a pretty good World War II. And while the game was technically close without including large portions of events that happened during the game, I was left with this one burning question– What is it called when you throw to a receiver that had 12 people covering him?

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Come on refs, you’re usually with us on this…

Football finally happened folks. Let’s have some cake. OR watch the first two touchdowns of the season go to no one fantasy relevant. Yeah, you’re right. Let’s have cake instead. So yup, the season opener… It wasn’t that bad. I will say this- it is definitely the “traditional start” to the season… both elevated and dashed hopes, plenty of derpiness, and wild, crazy rethinking of fantasy players.

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2011-NFL-Week-1-Picks1

We made it folks. Yesterday was the last Sunday without football for a long time, and I can’t wait to get this season started. I’m just so excited for what we have in store for you this year. I could also be excited from eating copious amounts of Guinness (part of an essential and balanced meal). But even if it’s a combination of the two, it matters not, for Football, and Fantasy Football is back. Follow me after the jump to see what we are cooking for you this year at Razzball HQ. Hint: It’s not edible. I mean, you can eat your computer if you want, but I would recommend unplugging it first. And probably adding some salt.

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