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“I need a new helmet. OMAHA. Yeah, that’s right, my head’s growing at a rapid rate. OMAHA. ROMO. ELWAY. OMAHA. New helmet on one! SET. OMAHA.”

Well, it would be hard for me to analyze this game with an unbiased viewpoint, seeing as how I’m pretty obvious homer. But hey, at least I’m obvious. That being said, I’d have to say that Mike Carey and myself could have probably been best friends. Essentially every decision he called last night was the opposite of what the refs decided, because, let’s be honest here, the officiating was complete sh*t. A crucial special teams fumble by Denver was called back, even though replays clearly showed the ball moving before the player was down, allowing Petyon Manning to drive for a touchdown before the half. In the third quarter, a Philip Rivers interception that was caught on the ground, with movement, was not overturned. A crucial redzone interception by Eric Weddle was called back because of a defensive holding penalty, which, might I add, was way before the 5-yard mark. And then later, a Juwan Thompson touchdown was confirmed, even though he didn’t break the plane… so… whatever. I suppose things like this happen. At the very least, Ronnie Hillman was negated something like 80 fantasy points, and the Broncos seemed more interested in trolling fantasy players than by any other team I’d seen in recent memory. So even though Denver won, I’m pretty sure most of us lost. Including my liver. What can I say? Misery loves company…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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While it’s easy to say that this game didn’t end in a very competitive fashion, it would have been far easier to say that this game actually looked like another lackadaisical loss by the Steelers… well, up until three minutes before the half. Keep in mind that they had already gained only 50 yards in their first 21 plays and the Texans had a 13 point lead up until that point. And then…

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THERE WAS A FIREFIGHT

I’m not joking folks. In the final three minutes of the first half, there were two Texan turnovers and 24 Steeler points. I would recap what exactly happened here, but it require about 2500 words of nuance and waxing something poetic about a Steelers team that I just can’t bring myself to do. (Just to give you a taste, I haven’t seen an ambitious beginning turn into a bloody death since the Apollo Creed vs. Ivan Drago fight in Rocky IV. Nor have I seen such an explosion at Heinz Field since Bane showed up with a megaphone.) So look at it this way… if three minutes of profound competence was good enough for my date the other night, who am I to say that it isn’t good enough for the Steelers?

Note: Hey you guys. You want more balls? And by balls, I mean Razzballs? Of course you do. If life has taught me one thing, it’s that there are never enough balls. Don’t ask. So yeah, you need more balls, we got more balls. Razzball Fantasy Soccer has now officially become a thing. Go check it out if you like more balls. Or, I guess, if you like soccer.

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I thought trading away Percy Harvin was going to solve all your problems? Well, I guess trading away one of your best weapons doesn’t exactly solve terrible play-calling, subpar offensive line play, and very un-special teams play. So, despite the faulty narrative that I’m sure will be thrown about, here we are, CONDITION CRIMSON RED, also the color of Tom Coughlin’s face. As was alluded to early yesterday, imagining an outcome such as this was a fools errand, but it wouldn’t have been the craziest thing to think that the Rams could pull off the upset. And while it took wild and boner inducing events (which is also my pet name for your mom) to take place, the impossible was suddenly possible, and the 2013 Super Bowl champions are now 3-3. Said events (we’ll call them “Cialis”) included a hilarious punt return where Tavon Austin lined up on the left side of the field for the return, and acted like he was about to catch the ball, which drew in the entire Seahawks special teams unit, cameraman in full tow, and then this happened…

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Later in the game, with Seattle needing a big stop for another chance at the win, Tre Mason broke through for a first down on 3rd-and-1, icing the game right then and there, until he was stripped. The ball bounced forward, was covered by a Rams lineman, only to pop out again and be seemingly recovered by Seattle. Replays did show Richard Sherman on top of the ball for a moment, but “technically” there wasn’t enough to overturn the officials call which had rewarded the possession to the Rams. That’s two straight losses for Seattle, a team which is now sitting at .500 on the season. Look on the bright side Seahawks fans. After this third loss, the band wagon crowd should be displeased enough to go away. Not as effective as a meteor, but it’ll have to do.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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Hunh? Yeah, that was my exact reaction. And I would have typed this up sooner, but it’s Friday and my typing gets noticeably slower when there’s a drink in one hand, and a bottle in the other. But we all make sacrifices, especially for a story that will assuredly shock everyone… the Seattle Seahawks have agreed to trade Percy Harvin to the New York Jets for a 2015 conditional pick, which will range from a second-to-fourth round pick.

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An enthralling Thursday Night Football game? What is this dark wizardry you speak of? In a game that immediately started off with a Patriots touchdown in the first minute and a half, reminding us that it was, in fact, Thursday night, the Jets managed to respond with a scoring drive of their own. Sure, that drive and the next two successful ones all ended in field goals, but there was a level competency that I didn’t think the Jets were capable of. Of course, things fall apart, the center cannot hold, something-something, wax poetic, and the 27-25 Patriots led game came down to a field goal at the 58-yard line, which ended up being blocked. There were your usual Jets/Patriot hallmarks though, including such timeless moments as: Rex Ryan angry! Jets excruciating hard-earned first downs! Brady not getting called for intentional grounding, ever! (The one to Vereen and to Gronk, I was closer to the ball watching from home.) And of course a dirty below the knees hit on a quarterback not named Tom Brady that doesn’t get called! But that’s now two games in a row on Thursday that have been quite entertaining, perhaps teasing us for an even better match-up between the Chargers and Broncos next week. Which means it’ll probably suck.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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In what was a pretty subdued game for most of the night, there were plenty of opportunities for the Rams to take advantage of, but they managed to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory multiple times, with the 49ers capitalizing on those mistakes. While you could probably point to the Gruden curse having a huge effect here (comparing Austin Davis to Drew Brees is nothing short of… questionable, we’ll call it), it was probably a bit much to count on him to drive 90 yards for a game-winning drive. So the pick-six to Dontae Johnson saved everyone the trouble. But, on a lighter note, it was 1999 throwback night to celebrate the “Greatest Show on Turf”. Obviously having Marshall Faulk and Kurt Warner on full display was fantastic timing on a night that saw Zac Stacy run up the middle for a few yards at a time and Austin Davis… not be Kurt Warner. But hey, two dollar hot dogs and three dollar beers seems like a wonderful way to get people to watch the Rams. Because you can’t really do it with just the Rams.

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Greetings, my fine football friends. I told ya when I left that I wasn’t gone…whatever that means. To be fair, I’ve been here all season covering DraftKings content here with the Razz, if ya didn’t know. That’s the lead article on Wednesdays, IYDK part 2. If you’re wondering why I’m here and Jay’s not, well we’re all human and Jay needed a night to himself, though I heard he brought with him a bottle of scotch, some lube, and the family friendly follow up that every Rick Moranis fan has been waiting for: Honey I Blew Everybody. Hope you enjoyed your night, Jay. Now get the eff back to work! Alright, pimping done, primping starts. Namely Joe Flacco‘s eyebrows. I don’t care what he does on the field, he doesn’t get a pass for his forehead caterpillar. You got cash money, bro, clean that ish up. Now that I’ve done my job in covering what needs not be covered – Flaccbrow – let’s get down to the getting down. Flacco had a huge day…oh, who am I kidding he had a huge HALF. All five of the touchdowns he threw came in the first two quarters as the MRSAneers returned home after two hard-fought games games on the road to roll over and pretend they took ‘ludes at home. We all know every decent QB in the league – and yes, Flacco IS decent and mayhap, a gentleman – can put up big numbers against bad defenses and Tampa Bay has been just that most of the year. Flacco finished 21 of 29 with 306 passing yards, 5 TD passes and zero scheduled waxings…minus the one he gave to the Buccs…OOOOOH BURN. Overall, if you picked him up to stream this week, good on you and you might wanna hold for one more as he gets another extremely leaky defense in the Falcons next week at home. After that, you can drop him and pick up whoever else plays TB. In fact, I almost feel bad for Lovie at this point. Seriously, gonna have to change his name to Hatie Smith after this season is over. Poor schlub…either way, let’s move on. Here are some other looks back on the week 6 that was for 2014 Fantasy Football…

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J.J. Watt has more fantasy points than LeSean McCoy. I just thought I would share that with you fine folks out there. With that being said, I also want to establish that we witnessed the first competitive Thursday Night Football game of the season… in Week 6. And it certainly did not look like that at first. The first quarter was actually written by Franz Kafka. The Colts built a 24-0 lead, and the Texans had run more plays than yards gained. And as the game started getting away from us all, like a small child being held by Adrian Peterson. Or like the freedom once held by Adrian Peterson. Adrian Peterson is an a**hat is what I’m trying to say. What I’m also trying to say is holy f*cking sh*t T.Y Hilton. And despite the Colts going Ivan Drago on the Texans early in the game, they amazingly gritted their way back with an insane display of footballing by J.J. Watt (good lord, I should have drafted Watt as an offensive player), Arian Foster staying injury free, and Andre Johnson actually proving that, in fact, he is alive and well. Yes, it was all in an effort so that Fitzmagic could lose by a closer margin than expected (oh Houston), but seeing as how we have to watch the Patriots win by at least 30 points next Thursday, this competitive game (mostly) was a wonderful reprieve.

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Well, wasn’t that something. The game was, well, close for the most part. And by close, you have to consider context, as they Seahawks didn’t score 45 points in the first quarter, which certainly exceeded my expectations. But it’s no surprise that Jim Haslett was implementing his no cover defensive scheme throughout the game, and Jay Gruden’s sh*tty play design was certainly well masked by the players poor execution of it. But if there’s one takeaway here, it’s that the game was closer than it ever had a right to be, though, it is fair to say, the outcome was really never in doubt. So Washington hung in there…, bravo. That’s definitely worth something. Well, I mean, it’s worth a loss. So yeah, I guess that sucks.

Please, blog, may I have some more?