nfl_a_blount11_600x400

Don’t worry, they sell Fantasy handcuffs at that one store down the street…

I guess this could have been considered breaking news, but I’m still waiting for the NFL to have any kind of self-awareness with Ray Rice only getting a two-game suspension for assault. Silly me! So here I am, in complete awe, as Pennsylvania has basically taught us the best way to handcuff running backs in fantasy football. Both Le’Veon Bell and LeGarrette Blount were charged with possession of marijuana following a traffic stop Wednesday afternoon. Apparently there’s also a DUI charge in the works, which seems logical, you know, kill two birds with one stone, etc., and, of course, the NFL is expected to review the incident. Personally, I think they both should have just stayed home and punched their girlfriends.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I don't have enough spam, give me the Razzball email newsletter!

tumblr_mohsxt82mE1rge74zo1_500

Yes, it happened. And even though these games don’t mean anything, this epic showdown was hyped as “Harbowl 3″, letting us know that the terrorists, in fact, have won. But if there’s anything the NFL is good at, it’s hype. And also having zero self-awareness. That also tops the list. So the hype-train arrived with much fanfare last night, which is why we got to watch Denver fans boo the sh*t out of the team that destroyed them in the Super Bowl. But for fantasy, is there anything to be gleaned here in the first set of preseason games? What is gleaning, is the question here. GLEAN ME, right? Oh yes, I shall glean you. So the answer? Probably not much. And if you watch Patriot preseason games, nothing. For example, I could say that Jay Gruden’s usage of Roy Helu against the Patriots was notable, especially for PPR formats (something I actually believe). But is that usage a function of the games not counting? And what do we make of long-sustaining drives, like the first drive the Ravens had? Does it tell us their offensive line looks better and they have a more cohesive unit overall, or is it just rust and the first time these players are live-tackling? There are just way too many unknowns here, and so really the only thing that you should monitor are injuries and Brandon Weeden sightings. Just kidding on that last one. You should actually monitor your alcohol intake. Or maybe that’s just me.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Ray Lewis, Ray Rice

The Ray’s gonna Ray, amiright?

Razzball is usually known for humorous, pun-filled titles that tickle you in all the right places. And at first glance, you may have gone “Jay, where’s the funny brah?”, so I should state for the record that the title actually is a joke. Announced by the league yesterday afternoon, Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice has been suspended for the first two games of the 2014 season for violating the NFL’s personal conduct policy following his off-season arrest for domestic violence (from Rice’s altercation with then-fiancée Janay Palmer at an Atlantic City hotel in February, full story here). When the news broke on this in February, I had some thoughts on the matter, and since I try to use my brain at least a few times a day (no promises), I have even more thoughts following yesterday’s news. ALL THE THOUGHTS.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Breaking news folks! Well, look, there’s really nothing else going on at the moment around the NFL, so why not embellish a bit with the first big news story related to fantasy football since New England targeted week five for Rob Gronkowski‘s season-ending injury. What is labeled a “groundbreaking” decision, an arbitrator has denied Jimmy Graham‘s request to officially be declared a wide receiver under the NFL’s franchise-tag rules. No word on what exactly they are going to be building after this groundbreaking ceremony, but my guess is, it’ll be a Great Pyramid of Giza-sized statue of Roger Goodell.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Yes, the draft happened during the weekend, and you can check out my round one thoughts here. I think it still has a few years left, if I’m counting in Roger Goodell units. But as you all know, the deeper the draft goes, the less fantasy-relevant it gets. (Don’t worry though, we’ll cover the draft more this week.) And while that probably isn’t why Josh Gordon decided to net himself a possible season-long suspension for smoking some green to grab back the fantasy headlines, what this lede presupposes is, maybe it is?

Please, blog, may I have some more?

So, if you missed it, Round One of the NFL Draft happened. I was around for the most part, but 39 hours for 30 picks seems egregious, even for NFL standards. You have no idea how long I spent trying to select the auto-draft option. As with any NFL draft, there were plenty of derpy moves, surprisingly competent selections, and then there was the Browns being the Browns and the Jaguars being the Jaguars, which are always unique categories in themselves. Some teams just have a destiny.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Well, who woulda thought, something in the NFL of consequence has actually happened. It’s been days. DAYS! I mean, there was Antonio Cromartie’s birthday bash in Vegas with his wife and pals. By pals, I’m assuming they are referring to his bakers dozen amount of kids. The party had quite the twist too (because Vegas: where twists are legal and cost five dollars), with Cromartie receiving lap-dances from “little people” dressed up as Rihanna and Kayne. Daw, never change Antonio Cromartie. Never change. Not be outdone, Bill Belichick’s birthday also came and went. It should be noted that his party consisted of a whole lot of this. Please note, Belichick’s birthday suit is like everybody else’s, just with more hoodie. And then there was also RG3 releasing a new logo, which is, well, bold I guess. Seeing as how the Starks in Game of Thrones have a logo, and they totally suck at that game. And, of course, the Nazi’s had a logo too. So good luck with that. Anyhow, since none of these things had anything to do with fantasy football, we were left waiting, then finally, yesterday happened… and that was Chris Johnson signing a two year deal with the New York Jets. Don’t everyone jump for joy all at once…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Welp, that was quick. After spending an entire week as a free agent (and being called an alleged gang-member, or I guess “having” affiliations with gangs, or maybe he’s just really bad at sign-language and a lover of blue tees), DeSean Jackson has been signed by the Washington Football Team. From an NFL perspective, Washington now has four wide recievers roughly the same height, and three of them that can spread the field faster than Dan Snyder can sign 35-year-olds to egregious contacts. In fact, I’m pretty sure Jackson had to lie about his age to get signed. And from a fantasy perspective, this signing certainly changes some things…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

After spending some time trying to trade DeSean Jackson, the Eagles released him last Friday. A statement followed that the Eagles were concerned with “Jackson’s continued association with reputed Los Angeles street gang members…”. Because I guess the last seven seasons wasn’t enough time to know what they had. During that span, Jackson’s tenure was both equally sweet and sour. (And you don’t know the sweet unless you’ve tasted the sour. Something-something wax poetic.) There were questions about his work ethic, wanting a new contract after just receiving one, multiple reports of being a clubhouse distraction, and some really horrendous drops. But he also had a collection of highlight catches and some epic games, including his punt return touchdown to beat the Giants back in 2010. He was also coming off a career-best season with 82 catches for 1,332 yards and nine touchdowns. But it’s clear Chip Kelly wants his guys, and Jackson wasn’t one of them. Riley Cooper is. Which seems like a double-standard, since he’s the Grand Wizard of his gang…

Please, blog, may I have some more?