"Look at me! My hamstring and I are having relationship issues! Weeeeee!"

“Look at me! My hamstring and I are having relationship issues! Weeeeee!”

See what I did there with the title? Yes you did. Yesterday, there were some concerns that the Bills’ LeSean McCoy may not be ready for Week 1 after suffering a hamstring injury early in the preseason. And now Rex Ryan has expressed doubt as well:

I hope,… if not then the next man has to step up. So we will see. If he is not ready to go, he won’t be in there.”

It appears that McCoy is dealing with a “small tear” in the hamstring (proving that anything can sound delicious when combined with the word ham), tearing in a spot “that couldn’t have been better”. Okay. I’m no longer hungry, so I have to ask, even if it’s best possible tear in the history of all hamstrings (nope, I’m hungry again), it’s still a tear of the hamstring, right? I have to hand it to them though, a lot of hustle here to play this story down. Yes he tore his hamstring. But it’s the best possible tear ever! If McCoy is a no-go, which seems likely at this point, it’ll be Bryce Brown and Anthony Dixon getting most of the carries, as Karlos Williams is still recovering from an undisclosed leg injury. No worries though, I hear Fred Jackson is available…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I don't have enough spam, give me the Razzball email newsletter!

Both Jared and RG-3 have been taken out. If I were Justin Tuck, I'd be worried...

Both Jared and RG-3 have fallen. If I were Justin Tuck, I’d be worried…

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Okay. Not really. And so it was, and so it shall be, which was proclaimed long ago when the Washington Football Team traded what would be Janoris Jenkins, Michael Brockers, Zac Stacy, Stedman Bailey, Greg Robinson, and Alec Ogletree for Robert Griffin III, and then a few days later, drafted his eventual successor in Kirk Cousins. Bible-speech aside, I have to say, maybe Mike Shannahan and company might have been better off just waiting, you know, until their sixth pick and drafting Ryan Tannehill. Sure, hindsight has that amazing 20/20 vision, but as I mentioned in yesterday’s podcast, this quarterback excursion seemed doomed to fail, even as far back to that aforementioned day when both RG-3 and Kirk Cousins were drafted. Obviously, the situation was exacerbated over time by injuries, stunted development, complete coaching failures, further coaching changes, system changes, ownership dysfunction, etc. etc. And this is a normal Monday for the franchise. So here we are and Kirk Cousins is now your Week 1 Starter in Washington. I would go on to establish some fantasy context, but I’m not sure there is any. Just further proof that Washington has now eclipsed the Raiders at being the Raiders. Truly… these are dark days in the District.

In case you guys haven’t noticed, Fantasy Basketball is warming up once again, and our RCLs are open! If you’d like to go keep J.B. Gilpin company for a bit, I ain’t gonna blame you. Afterall, I’m busy keeping his mom company…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

150819_update_inside

Well, here we go again. Another ACL bites the dust, adding Kelvin Benjamin to a list that already includes Silas Redd, Jeff Heuerman, Ryan Clady, Dante Fowler, Travis Long, Ty Powell, Brandon Harris, Louis Delmas, Shaun Suisham, Stephen Hill, Zach Sudfeld, Sal Capaccio, Reshard Cliett, JaCorey Shepherd, annnnnnnnd Brandon Person. That’s honestly a pretty impressive team, one that could probably do well against the Browns. Even moreso with actual functioning ACL’s. Honestly though, on days like this, you wonder how players would be able to fare with an owner-driven 18-game season when they can’t go two weeks of preseason without some body part exploding. No doubt, this is a downright grueling game, but when Kelvin Benjamin, an up-and-coming wide receiver is lost for the year, well, you can’t just say “shucks” and move on. Well, I mean, you sorta have to, but you don’t have to like it. Especially if your a Panthers fan. Nope. You just say “F*ck!” and drink copious amounts of alcohol…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

RiversPopeye2_t540

There was some more preseason football to be played this past Saturday, including news that Philip Rivers will be having at least eight more children in the San Diego area spread out over the next four years. That is, of course, based on his average of having five kids per month, but I should note that my math has a history of being a tad off. But, hey, remember when he was getting traded to the Titans for sure? While the signing itself is, well, a good sign for the Chargers on the field, I’m not sure if this has any bearing on impending the stadium situation that is falling wayside, straight into the dumpster (and I mean the actual deal, not them moving to Carson, which I know can be confusing as both are pretty much dumpster fires) Other than that, we had the debut of Jameis Winston, some quality trolling by Chip Kelly on which quarterback is starting in Week 1, and other football happenings. So let’s get started…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Amen.

I just noticed this, but even though he's really injured, Niles Paul seems like he's looking at my "Amen" right there in total agreement. Actually, probably not. I'm probably just drunk.

I just noticed this, but even though he’s really injured, Niles Paul seems like he’s looking at my “Amen” right there in total agreement. Actually, probably not. I’m probably just drunk.

Or if you’re an atheist like me, no men. Or maybe that’s being sexist. Honestly, who cares? With an offseason full of deflated balls and, well, actually, come to think of it, that’s all I can really remember. Okay, I guess it wasn’t as bad as the last offseason, where people were punched and seasons of some high profile players were already lost, you know, because of said punchings… I guess talking about your/my/Tom Brady’s balls isn’t the worst outcome in the history of man. We’ll just call it a close second. And so it was, six games of football were played last night. Sure, it’s just the first week of the preseason (with more games to come this Saturday!), but any football is good football. And while the notes you’re used to won’t go into regular season mode until the NFL does, I’m still here to overview what happened last night. So shall we dance our first dance? Don’t worry, it’s cool, I already established no men. (Did that land? Hmm, maybe I’m in preseason mode too…)

Please, blog, may I have some more?

CHARLOTTE, NC - DECEMBER 15:  Geno Smith #7 of the New York Jets watches the scoreboard during the final minute of a loss to the Carolina Panthers at Bank of America Stadium on December 15, 2013 in Charlotte, North Carolina. The Panthers won 30-20.  (Photo by Grant Halverson/Getty Images)

Well, Steve Smith wasn’t actually there to throw the punch, but I’d like to think that in loving memory of Smith’s brilliant and punch-happy career, reserve linebacker IK Enemkpali (which, coincidentally, is the name of a Somali pirate ship boat dinghy…) sucker-punched Geno Smith, breaking his jaw and sending to the sideline for six-to-ten weeks.

“It was nothing to do with football. … It was very childish,” coach Todd Bowles said. “He got cold-cocked … sucker punched, whatever you want to call it, in the jaw. He’s got a broken jaw, a fractured jaw.”

The Somali ship boat dinghy was a sixth-round pick back in 2014, and was immediately released by the Jets. I don’t know about you guys, but a successful career in the NFL is usual predicated with not knocking out your own quarterback for more than half the season. I’d have to think this is the last time we hear the name IK Enemkpali. Unless the Patriots sign him as a reclamation project, only to see Tom Brady sucker-punched. Then his name would be: Hero.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Welp, there goes my supply of NyQuil. As your local (also only) Chargers fan, this essentially is the cherry on top of what could be considered, at best, a tumultuous offseason. Everything from Philip Rivers trade rumors, to keeping Donald Brown (why?), and even continuing reports that the Chargers are probably moving to Los Angeles wasn’t enough. Nope. Now, Antonio Gates has been suspended four games for PED use, because hey, why not?

Please, blog, may I have some more?

wincrab

Well, the 2015 NFL Draft is finally over, and after 29 days (okay, to be fair, it was four days), we can finally get a better picture of how roles, players, teams, game-plans, etc. will take shape as we move closer to the start of the season. The draft itself didn’t have many surprises, in fact, the biggest surprise was Chip Kelly not innovating a trade for Marcos Mariota and actually concluding that Sam Bradford is the answer. He very well could be, but we’d never know as his UCL would implode before that point. Regardless, the first round went about as close to the mocks out there as could be expected, and it’s worth pointing out that the Titans will be facing the Browns in Week 1, setting up a potential match-up between Jameis Winston and Mariota. Only the hottest of takes on Winston will be accepted for that week…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

tim-tebow-12-29-12-1

We have a NFL 2015 Schedule folks! But before we jump on that and some other tidbits around the league, thus feeding on the table scraps the NFL has given to us (mmm, football scraps) this week, first we’ll have to talk about Tim Tebow. God… (LITERALLY.) So yeah, what a way to celebrate Hitler’s Birthday Stoner Christmas Holidays in Philadelphia. Let it be known, from on high, that Tim Tebow has signed with the Eagles, and what has been said shall be done, just in time for their offseason program, in His name, amen. I think that’s how the prayer goes. I was actually told that you could hear Skip Bayless orgasming from roughly 400-miles away when the news broke, but seeing as how I’m within that radius of Bristol, based on what I’m able to gather, I’m not quite if it wasn’t Peter King instead.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

As the title denotes, it looks to be that all the big NFL news is over, for the most part until the draft. And now it’s time to clear out all the remaining news items no matter how small they might be. (That’s what I wish she said.) Wait, what? So all these little tidbits will be taken care of in a very diligent fashion! Maybe. And it has nothing to do with the fact that “tidbits” is such a great word. Now, there probably won’t be a lot of crossover fantasy appeal, but as we transition to talking about the draft and starting to spotlighting players for the upcoming season, well, you’ll forgive me if I fudge the line a little and talk about general football news. Mmm, tidbits and fudge. Regardless, let’s get to all the happenings before the 49ers and Browns decide to trade owners in an effort to cure depression in the form of a different but similar depression.

Please, blog, may I have some more?