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A different kind of dirty Sanchez…

Folks, we are beginning something special here.

Not that we didn’t already have something special. If you know Sky, you know he is special. We are just going to be doing a different kind of special. If you didn’t read Sky’s transitional piece, which was something akin to a 1500-character love poem to me, well, check it out. SPOILER ALERT! It’s not a love poem. It’s an apology for ranking Doug Martin numero uno for the 2013 season. Haha, just kidding. It’s not that either. And don’t ever let anyone tell you that’s the reason that I’m here and not Sky. Because that’s totally not the reason. Maybe. The truth is, life happens. If the infamous #buttfumble didn’t show us that, nothing ever will. Theme tie-in alert!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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And to think…nobody thought…this would last…*awkward kiss*. It’s with a sad heart and partially destroyed liver I come to you today with this post to end all posts. Unfortunately I need to step down from being the head watchman over Razzball Football because as the kids say, ‘reality hits you hard, bro’. Not to get into crazy specifics but my wife and I are trying to sell a home, which means projects, which means time, which means my time which means here I am telling you I just can’t fathom the next few months dedicating myself to doing a good job here and on the home front. It was a difficult decision but in the end it really came down to one thing: y’all don’t put out but my wife does! Well, sometimes…when she doesn’t have a headache…or is drunk and thinks I’m Brad Pitt. I’ve had an amazing run as the lead football guy here at Razzball but the Fantasy Gods divined it so that I need to hand over the reigns to the only other man I know that has beaten Grey over on the baseball side in a baby oil wrestling match besides myself. I’m talking of none other than @Jaywrong himself, of course. I don’t think I’ve ever met a more knowledgeable, sexier Korishman in my lifetime, truth be told. Come to think of it, I don’t think I’ve ever met another Korishman period and I haven’t ever REALLY met Jaywrong either but his snapchats with me seem legit. Why could I be attracted to Ariel as a kid but now I have to feel like a perv? Damn cartoons, ya never age! But of course, I’m getting myself off course. I’m here to give my emotional send off speech so here it is. I will still be around the Razzball world but in a limited capacity. In fact, I’ve already produced a couple of Deep League Thoughts posts for you over on the Fantasy Baseball side if you’re into that sort of thing and I will still have some kind of writing going on here as well but you may not see me until the Fall. But by then, you’ll probably already have forgotten. I will remember you, but will you still remember me? Here’s where I’d tell you not to let your life pass you by but you play fantasy sports like I do so…too late! In truth, it was a fantastic voyage into the fantasy football world and I appreciate any and all of you who were there with me for the ride and I’m sorry for those who lost your appendages. The sign clearly said keep all hands and feet inside the ride at all times, people! If you didn’t already know, or can’t already tell, I’m bad at goodbyes so lets just hug this out and be done with it…there…ok, that’s good…yup, we’re done here…seriously, I’m getting uncomfortable…someone dial 911…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Welcome once again my festive fake footballers to the Razzball Lounge. Championship week has arrived. As the Fantasy Football season comes to it’s merciful end, it’s time for one more visit to the lounge where we fake football scribes have gathered for our annual Razzball Holiday Spooktacular. It’s that time of year where we don our Santa hats, show off our Christmas balls and toss back warm eggnog spiked with a combination of Canadian Club and rohypnol. The ladies love it! As championship weekend approaches, we find a humbug filled Sky slowly rocking back and forth muttering the words “muscle hamster” over and over. There’s JB settled under the Christmas tree like a drunken Linus, “Did Santa bring me a Luke Kuechly jersey?” At the jukebox we find J-FOH dropping quarters, playing “The Hanukkah Song” for the fifth time and singing, “drink your gin-and-tonic-ah, and smoke your mara-juanic-ah…” *bottle smashes above head* Meanwhile, the one and only Tehol Beddict asks this young lady, “Wanna see my Festivus pole??” And here at the pool table is your humble holiday sweater wearing Guru contemplating his final jammer/crammer list of fantasy ballers that’ll score you the Shiva, bragging rights and maybe enough cash to spend New Years in Vegas. *closes eye, takes aim, sinks eight ball off two rails, drops shot glass into pint, downs boilermaker, throws up on waitress* “God bless us, every one.”

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Sorry for Partying. That phrase has become synonymous with one of the most explosive Tight Ends to hit the NFL in recent years and though the media makes it sound like fun, we fantasy owners are not amused. Whether it’s having a shirtless dance off after the Super Bowl, hooking up with a Lolita in Aruba or whatever it is he’s doing here, Rob Gronkowski has always been one to take life not too seriously and has some major meat-head tendencies. Not that the NFL hasn’t had meat heads in the past that we all loved to laugh along with. I mean, Brian Bosworth is still making movies to this day with just the same amount of box office success as when he was in his prime. I mean, take a look at Boz’s Revelation Road. It came out in 2013. It’s also streamable on Netflix in 2013. PS, we’re still in April of 2013. As long as you’re not a meat head yourself, the math is pretty basic on how bad of a film that is. All this to say, this meat head lifestyle can work out just fine. But notice I’m not talking about on field exploits here? Exactly my point: sorry for partying isn’t gonna cut it if Rob is sidelined after rumors of another surgery is needed on his left forearm. This surgery would be #4, BTW. There have been infection issues up to this point and now the word is that the healing process on the bones has been ‘non-union’. No word yet on if they’ve tried having these surgeries outside of Wisconsin. But more to the point, whether it’s fair or not, these off field excursions have to make fantasy owners a little worried about a full dedication to his health. If you’re gonna draft a guy in the top 20, you kinda want to have faith that he’ll rehab from surgery correctly and be ready to start the season, no? Rhetorical. Of COURSE you do. The key thing here is that Rob is of a special class of TE, the rare ‘set it and forget it’ type that we all love but we might not have that from him for the 2013 Fantasy Football season and this scares us all greatly. Sorry for partying indeed, Mr. Gronk. If there is yet another surgery and the infection lingers, owners might wanna shy away from Rob for this season in redraft leagues unless he goes low enough. In other news for fantasy football…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

We at Razzball know and understand the wide world of the internet can be a scary place.  It’s full of misinformation, bald Britney Spears pics and flat out lies.  We also know that no matter how much we try, we are never going to be able to provide you with every piece of information you need. 

Please, blog, may I have some more?

We at Razzball know and understand the wide world of the internet can be a scary place.  It’s full of misinformation, bald Britney Spears pics and flat out lies.  We also know that no matter how much we try, we are never going to be able to provide you with every piece of information you need. 

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Alright the season is getting so close you can almost smell the Troy Polamalu’s head and shoulders. I know, it smells like heaven wrapped in black, luscious curls. I don’t really think that has much to do with our logs for this week but it seemed like an inappropriate thing you’d enjoy reading before diving off into the wide world of the Internet.

Please, blog, may I have some more?