What if we just combined the two best apps in the world and made a Fantasy Tinder app, where I swipe left to get rid of a sucky player, then I swipe right for someone amazing (cough… Jonas Grey… cough), and Tinder does some magical thing where it aligns exactly who needs to be in my life with which players I liked. [Jay's Note: So, I guess I know who Cam Newton will be matched up with then...] The Finder app (see what I did there?) would help fill up your empty fantasy tank with players from the waiver, and my team could survive.

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Batman14          batman

Arguably the game’s best receiver last year will be rejoining the 6-4 Cleveland Browns on Monday. Josh Gordon, who had his season long suspension reduced to 10 games, will be set to make his season debut on Sunday in Atlanta against a Falcons team that is giving up the second most yards in the league to wide receivers at 288.8 yards per game, and the second most yards per reception at 13.1 yards per catch. That’s almost like a convicted pot smoker that’s jonesing for a bong hit getting out of jail to find out that they’ve legalized marijuana in his home state. [Jay's Note: Uhh... if someone is jonesing for pot, they have deeper issues.]

He’s gonna light it up!

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i

Seriously… how many endangered birds live in Keisel’s beard? 48? 59? 1,085?

Mike Tomlin is 1-8 all-time against teams with a winning percentage of 0.200 or worse. Lucky for him and the Steelers, the Titans had a 0.285 winning percentage coming into last night’s Monday Night Football game. And since mathematics are unquestioned around these parts, mainly because I don’t understand what it is or what it does… obviously, based on all these facts, the Steelers won. Obviously. Something else that’s obvious is Le’Veon Bell is good at the game of football. And wouldn’t you know it? Ben Roethlisberger isn’t actually Aaron Rodgers, so the Steelers probably need other things to happen to make the playoffs. And wouldn’t you know it… a gun-shy Ken Wisenhunt punting on a 4th-and-4 in the 4th quarter with seven minutes remaining, down a field goal, with a 2-7 record, combined with Le’Veon Bell’s performance seemed to be just enough to qualify as those “other things” . The Steelers now have a 7-4 record and have… some control over the AFC North. Then again, they did also lose to the Buccaneers and Jets. Sooooo, yeah. Who the ef knows anymore…

BREAKING: Adrian Peterson has been notified today that he has been suspended for the remaining 2014 season. Granted, Adam Schefter is reporting this, so there’s at least an 89% chance that he starts this Sunday. Regardless, while he was a speculative add if you had a hole on your bench, he’s safe to drop at this point.

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i

Well, that was certainly a Sunday worth remembering. Especially if you’re like me and reset the ole’ memory banks with copious amounts of bourbon throughout the day. You could say these Sunday notes aren’t just for you, but also myself… So here we are, together in this. And together, we saw some interesting things… the Bucs, the 1-8 Bucs (in case you were confused) destroyed Washington. For context, the Falcons destroyed the Bucs. And the Panthers almost beat the Falcons. So according to that, the Panthers would probably beat Washington by 200 points. In fact, with the Raiders only mustering 200 yards of total offense, I’m pretty sure if they faced off against Washington, both teams would find a way to lose. And let’s not forget the Lions having a throwback game to the Matt Millen Era. Peyton Manning thinking it’s the month of January (to be fair, the weather has me convinced of this.) Mark Sanchez returning to form. And then there’s this… the Cardinals are now 9-1. They are now three games ahead of Seattle and San Francisco, and one has to naturally wonder, how is this possible? My answer? Two quick touchdowns and leaning on your defense for three hours… this has been done before many times. So I’m just going to go ahead and write the Cardinals in as a playoff team. In permanent marker. And then prepare myself for the end of the world.

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i

This looks like a stroke. Someone should call a doctor at some point, yes?

Well, Thursday Night Football was once thought of as an offensive onslaught of the mind, soul, and body early in the season. At least, that’s how it accosted me with all those 50-point blow-outs and Phill Simms repeating “Well JEEEEM” ad nauseum. Then there was a two-week reprieve where normal football things occurred. This, obviously, was against nature itself. We now have some kind of ridiculous regression going on, and in the specific case of last night’s game, the Bills and Dolphins entire first half consisted of “let’s drive as close to the goal line without scoring a touchdown”. Spoiler Alert: The Dolphins came out on top in that intriguing game of chicken with twice as many field goals as the Bills… with two field goals. But hey, if you managed to fight off a brain aneurysm to watch the second half, you were rewarded with two Miami touchdowns, Kyle Orton doing very Kyle Orton things, and the refs doing their own homage to the Thursday Night Football derp.

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Holy Crap! Week 10 is already over, and I officially only have a guaranteed three weeks left with my team. I seriously hate good-byes, and I’m freaking out knowing I have such little time left with my team. Sure, I’m bias, but after ten weeks, you could say I am a tad connected to my team. And I am not afraid to say that this year’s team might be my favorite yet… Yeah, they piss me off some weeks, but for the majority of the weeks, they always make me proud. Thankfully for this week, they made me proud. (Do I sound crazy?)

I have to think a lot of ya’ll woke up this morning with the same pride (unless you suffered from the bye-weeks), because so many guys went off this week, and even the mediocre seemed to show up. Those of you who woke up really happy probably had Marshawn Lynch (40 freaking points in non-PPR leagues). It was nice to see a non-QB player go off and get so many points. His performance reminded me of Doug Martin, circa 2012, where his 50 something point game won the match-up for all his league owners. I feel like Lynch’s had to be the same for his owners. (Could anyone possibly lose if they started him?)

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i

So after a Sunday night game that saw the quick dismantling of a fading dumpster fire of a team, we were able to see the exact same thing for Monday Night Football. How charming! It’s times like this when you really wonder if your investments into the local liquor stores are paying off like they should. There was certainly plenty of derp that became easily accessible from Matt Sanchez starting, but despite throwing what should have been an interception early in the game, he was able to do some interesting things with Carolina’s gift-giving. Speaking of which, there’s gift-giving, and then there’s “Here, have my house and everything that’s in it”. Hint, the Panthers did the latter. With a chance to move back into first place in the profoundly terrible NFC South, the Panthers instead allowed Darren Sproles to do whatever tiny things he does. And while the Eagles and Cowboys seemed to be playoff bound, the entire NFC South probably needs a flotation device to keep from drowning. For context, the 1-8 Buccaneers could win three straight and theoretically, based on what the division did, be a lock for the playoffs. That’s some scary sh*t right there.

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i

Well, that was interesting. But only if you’re a Packers fan. Ben Roethlisberger? This is Aaron Rodgers, and he just escalated the situation by scoring 6 touchdowns and NOT losing to the Jets. Which seems like an insurmountable escalation right there. If you missed it (you probably should have), the Bears once again confirmed that they are a terrible football team. If they didn’t come out after half-time, already losing 0-42, I probably wouldn’t have noticed. I doubt the Packers would have noticed, that’s for sure. But who doesn’t want to make history? So for the first time in 90 years, the Bears have now given up 50 plus points in consecutive games. And the funniest saddest realist part of all this? Oh yeah, that’s right, this is the Bears coming off a bye. Silly Jets fans, and you thought the 2015 first overall draft pick was yours for the taking…

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i

Well, that was an interesting game, said no one ever. To be honest, I’m not sure what I was expecting from a game featuring two teams that originate from the state that created Skyline Chili, but I suppose this would be a fair enough assessment of where they stand in all things. Whatever that means. For all intents and purposes, the game ended with a little over four minutes expired in the first quarter as Ben Tate rushed for a touchdown on a Browns possession that resulted from an early Andy Dalton interception. The two teams kept playing for the next two hours, though I have no idea why. Probably just to troll us. Thanks Ohio! In other news, the Browns have a winning record in November. Wait, what?

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Seriously, though… where are all the players going? It is like LOST has taken over fantasy football land, and all the players are disappearing between injuries and bye weeks. And, of course, this all happens at the most important time of the season when playoff brackets are starting to be established and records are changing in a flash. I have not felt victim to the missing player syndrome as of yet, but next week I know I will.

Please, blog, may I have some more?