Hey did you survive the first round? Like, comment and subscribe below if you did! Sorry, thought I was running a youtube blog. Wait, are those even real? I don’t think you can blog on youtube. Just post really pointless comments that nobody reads and even when they do and respond, they don’t actually read the response to what you said. So youtube should just be videos sans comment section. Glad we cleared that up! Now what was I talking about…oh yeah, Josh McCown. Did I say he was gonna be good this week? Let’s take a magical ride back to last Thursday and find out in my weekly rankings…yup! Sure, Jared Cook dropped a deuce, Torrey Smith farted while your mouth was open and the Bengals started CBs off the street against the Colts but hey, I got one right…RIGHT?!? It was a rough rankings week, I’m not gonna lie. As Tehol pointed out on twitter to me, I got my Bens mixed up. Ben Tate didn’t do well and Big Ben did. But of course, Tehol chides yet also loves when it’s appropriate. Speaking of Tehol…TeholBeddict47? Is that like 47 Ronin? And is it just me or does Keanu’s movie sound more like a play call at the line than it does a samurai movie…but I’m digressing. And of course, what do you expect? The biggest fantasy scorer on the week is a 34 year old journeyman who has played for/been dropped by teams like the Cardinals, Lions, Raiders, Dolphins, Panthers, and 49ers which is not even mentioning his stint with the Hartford Colonials. So first I’ll briefly go over the stats: 27/36 for 348 and 4 passing TDs along with a rushing touchdown and a 2 point conversion. With the zero interceptions, that’s pretty much glory defined. Can’t beat it. Not even Peyton Manning could. The reality is he probably should’ve had at least 2 INTs on the night and is still a 34 year old journeyman. I do think this game says much more about two things: the Dallas defense and Marc Trestman. Never trust one, always trust the other. I don’t care who Trestman has at the helm next year – Cutler, McCown, a junior high 3rd string QB – I’m gonna want in on it. And to be fair, I’m not doing this to say McCown is terrible. You still have to execute to get a statline like that and he has so far as a starter with a 13:1 TD to INT ratio. Even if you’re getting lucky, that’s hard to do. All I’m saying is I care about Trestman and nothing else. I’ll ride through the fantasy desert on a QB horse with no name if Marc is leading the way. Here’s to what I hope was a successful week 14 run and and you’re even closer to that sweet championship. And with that, let’s see what else there was to see from MNF for 2013 Fantasy Football…Please, blog, may I have some more?
I’m nothing if not culturally irrelevant. Leave it to me to bring up a white Canadian Reggae rapper from the early 90′s that was known best for a song that no one can sing along to because we have zero clue what the crazy Canuck was saying. Lickeeboomboomdan? Ickyvroomvroomman? I have zero clue. I’ve looked up the lyrics now that I live in the age of the intarwebs. Still don’t care. Dude was spitting fierce tourette’s jibberish if you ask me. We get made fun of for Vanilla Ice, what about some accountability for this, Canada? You’ve never bombed my great nation but you’ve still found ways to destroy my culture. Bryan Adams, Alanis Morissette, Nickelback…you guys have zero shame. But of course I’m not here to add fuel to the inevitable Canada vs ‘Merica war, I’m here to talk fantasy football and so I’m picking probably the worst game on the day to pick my stud from. Naturally. In what can only be described as a snow bowl, the Eagles won 34-20 in a game that featured no FGs or XP attempts, 8 total fumbles, and Foles’ first INT of the year, it only makes sense that LeSean McCoy would go off against one of the best rushing defenses in the league. Can’t throw the ball in the snow, eh? Well, might as well run Shady 29 times for 217 yards and 2 TDs then. Problem solved. Though the weather let up a bit in the second half, it was still a fantasy $h!tshow for most of us who owned parts of these two teams. Megatron? Bupkis. Stafford? Lamesauce. Riley Cooper? Oh fudge (only I didn’t say fudge). It was a game that ‘real football fans’ adore and we fake football fans loathe, especially on the first week of the playoffs. This game could’ve sealed the fate for quite a few teams. It’s a bitter pill to swallow because either way you’re gonna be mad. What if Stafford, Megatron, et al went off on your bench? Roshambo yourself. But they stayed in your lineup and didn’t go off. Another roshambo to oneself. It was a can’t win scenario and unfortunately – unless you owned McCoy – probably won’t win because of it. Well look at that, I’ve already depressed 75% of my readers in the first paragraph. New record! Well let’s get to some better news then shall we? Here’s the rest of the fantasy goods from week 14 of the 2013 Fantasy Football season.Please, blog, may I have some more?
I know, I know, I should’ve seen this coming. I think Hunter S. Thompson put it best: ‘You can turn your back on a person but never turn your back on a drug’. I let my guard down, forgot that I was dealing with an addict. Kubiak’s passion for Matt Schaub runs deeper than THE Bruce Dickenson’s want for more cowbell. I should’ve known that he’d get the itch at some point again. How many days had it been since crazy ‘ole Kub had seen a ‘drop back and fall to the ground because I’m an immobile QB’ sack? When was the last time he got to see one of those patented stalled drives down near the goal line from his old QB flame? We all understand, Gary, you just can’t quit this man. You guys had such good times together. Like that pick-6 he threw in week 2. And then that other one he threw in week 3. Oh and do you remember that one he threw in week 4? That one was a beauty. Personally, though, I’m partial to the one he threw in week 5 that helped him set an NFL record for consecutive games with a pick 6. I mean, imagine that: your starting QB setting NFL records. That makes you proud as a coach. You can’t quit that. Not after someone has made a burger about it. No sir. You don’t care what the stats say or the energy the new QB brings to the team. You do anything and everything in your power to undermine the confidence of that young man. I mean, who does he think he is? Throwing 5 TDs in 2 games to big AJ, the guy who had 4 total in his last 20 games heading into that string. He’s…uh…just not moving the ball right that way. Gotta spread it around. We need more 5 yard bootleg passes to the TE! We can’t have plays that go for more than 10 yards. What’s the fun in that? That’s not Schaub-style football, dammit! Dear Gary Kubiak, consider this lead paragraph my love song to you in the swan song that is your career as the Houston Texans coach. Please note I typed it only using two fingers, both of them middle. In other fantasy news from week 14′s Thursday Night Football contest…Please, blog, may I have some more?
Monday Night Football is all about the narrative, whatever that narrative might be. What story could we blatantly exacerbate that builds up what was already a notable game between two playoff bound teams in the Saints and the Seahawks you ask? Well why not talk about the shorties on the field, right? Where’s T-Pain when you need him? I ask because Russell Wilson needs an auto-tuned ballad rapped about his abilities to play bigger than he really is. Tonight’s matchup was all about featuring the little guy as RW3 was pitted against DB9 in a battle that would ultimately clear the argument: who really was the world’s tallest midget QB? I keed, of course. I’m just blathering about pointless conjecture. I don’t care how tall you are at QB, I just want you to ball dawg. Russell Wilson proved tonight that not every short QB from Seattle played like Rick Mirer as he went for 310 passing yards on 22/30 to go with 47 yards rushing and 3 passing TDs. Now I got a weird look when I put @DangerRussWilson #3 in the weekly rankings but maybe I’ve been too clued into what he’s been doing of late and y’all have not. I just don’t know. What I do know is coming into week 13, he’d been on fire and I couldn’t ignore that given he was at home in a marquee matchup on Monday Night Football. Minus his bye week, RW3 has been a top 10 QB over the last 4 weeks heading into MNF and he kept that trend, finishing 2nd in scoring by ESPN standards. Moving forward, the only worry I have is a letdown game in week 15 if the Seahawks triumph against the 49ers in San Fran but the road to a decent end to the year seems well within reach. I had him ranked as the 6th best QB heading into the year. He was 8th heading into MNF after everyone else had played. Something tells me that call wasn’t too far off now like many may have perceived. Don’t worry, I made up for it by putting Robert Griffin, III 5th, of course. Neverthewho! Here’s what else I saw in the game for 2013 Fantasy Football…Please, blog, may I have some more?
Tis the season, right? Unless you’re not of the xmas-religion affinity. I wish I had something for you but I have zero knowledge of Decker-related things I could say about Hanukkah, Kwanzaa and all the other holiday things I could talk about here. Happy Winter Solstice? What about Festivus for the rest of us? Don’t leave, I swear I’ll be more inclusive! The holidays are much like ordering a large pizza for a room full of college students: all drunk and stoned and should be doing their homework. Wait, no! Well yes but more so you can’t please everyone. No way no how. They don’t usually let you order pizza with different toppings on every piece. There’s also something else that doesn’t always make people happy: the Denver passing attack. It was a concern coming into the year that there would be a few guys left out in the cold most of the year, if not the whole year. Well much like life, those Broncos have ebbed and flowed. Early on, it was Welker. Then DT got it turned on for a stretch. The Orange Julius had been oddly one of the more consistent of the slick quatro (yeah, it’s not their nickname; just made it up) but he’s been out with a leg issue the last two weeks. So in the stead of an underused Welker and a missing OJ, someone had to step up and on this day it was Eric Decker who finished with 8 receptions, 174 receiving yards and a whopping 4 TDs. He only had 3 total coming into Sunday on the year. The end line for Decker is gonna look fine on the surface. He’ll go well over 1,000 yards receiving and may still end with 10 TDs. But I give the fair warning that I’ll probably say the same thing about Welker when the season’s over and I think we both know how that has been of late. Moving into 2013, these two are gonna go much higher than I’m gonna be willing to pay for in most leagues due to inconsistency. Sure it’s nice when this happens but how many of you experienced this Decker explosion on your bench? Exactly, there was a good reason he was there to start the day. Don’t forget that when 2014 hits. In other news from week 13 of the 2013 Fantasy Football season…Please, blog, may I have some more?
I am not gonna lie, I’m doing this the lazy way. I just spent the day watching football, cleaning house, watching more football, taking the dog for a walk, watching more football, drinking, watching, more drinking…well, you get the point. I’m gonna recap that which is recappable and ignore that which is recrappable. And sadly, there was much that could’ve gone in the pie hole today and instead came out another one. But that’s for the reviews and we ain’t there yet, we’re still talking in the opener soooo…um, welcome to your Turkey hangover I guess? I don’t know what else to say. I’m typing this pre-podcast with the crew over at Revelation Sports. Little to their knowledge, they’re getting me three beers in. Ok, I fib, I’m at about five and really I still have an hour to get a couple more in. I pray for all involved that I don’t say something stupid like ‘start all Green Bay Packer wide receivers’. That would really make me look drunk, right? Ok, I’m foreshadowing. Let’s antishadow and get this going. Here’s the three servings of Thanksgiving Night Football for the 2013 Fantasy Football season…Please, blog, may I have some more?
I guess this is the part of the review where I open with being impressed, right? Where I shine the light on the best player in the game and point out his virtues and then back it up with the stat line for proof. But the thing is, I don’t think I have it in me to misrepresent the facts. You see, tonight the cake was a lie. Sure, the end line for Colin Kaepernick looked nice: 15/24 for 235 and 3 passing TDs to go with 20 yards rushing. If that were on my team, I wouldn’t turn it down at all. Heck, I’d marry that end line even if it were my half-sister…sorry, lost in a few leagues this week. My desperation levels for a win knows no bounds sometimes. Take that Blue Lagoon! I just one-upped you in nastiness. And when did Brooke Shields become a man? I was not privy to this change…nevertheless, all we’re talking about is stats when we look at that Kaep end line. What we don’t talk about is game flow, defensive game plan and the quick response. The first three drives by SF took a total of 4 minutes, 22 seconds and showed how the ‘skins planned to attack SF. They told the 49ers they were gonna sell out on the run and make Kaepernick pass for the win. But when you give up as much on the ground as Washington does fantasy wise – 2nd most according to ESPN heading into Monday – and you’re still one of the worst against the pass (5th worst against opposing QBs), you’ve got to draw a line in the sand somewhere and say what you’re going to target in a game. And pretty much, the ‘skins dictated that if the 49ers were going to beat them, they’d have to do it through the air by stacking the box and Kaep said ‘thank you for this opportunity’. In reality, this game was no less mistake-laden than other Colin performances have been this year, it was simply masked by an inferior opponent and game flow so now, everyone is going to be talking about Kaep bicep kisses for a week. Well, consider me not one of them. I still think Kaep can be great but I’ve seen a timid and unsure Colin one too many times this year when the first read doesn’t go his way. Consider this a warning, Kaep owners: Washington is the worst at seemingly everything on defense and yet they decided to let Kaep try and beat them. Not something that would make me confident moving forward. In other news from MNF for 2013 Fantasy Football…Please, blog, may I have some more?
Normally a big game from someone comes early in the day and I circle it, pin it on my 100 %recycled cork board and dictate the rest of my post in pieces here and there throughout but I’m not gonna lie: the Broncos vs Pats game I had circled. I just knew the name would come out of this game. I mean, we had all those stars and great storylines. Wes Welker returning to face his former team. Amendola living up to the hype of trying to replace Wes in New England. Peyton Manning doing his best nihilist impersonation. Gisele rushing onto the field and Tonya Harding’ing Welker also came to mind. But instead, out of all the storylines this game brought to life, it was really center stage for a guy who’s been under-appreciated for what he has meant to his team, been called out on twitter and in general gets no respect. I’m of course talking about Knowshon Moreno, the much maligned starting RB for the Broncos whose emergence started last year when Willis went down with an injury and rolled into this year while all the pundits said Montee Ball would be the star in Denver. And yet, through it all Moreno has put up some very solid fantasy numbers on the year. But I’m taking this second to point out a different part that’s just as important; what he means to his team. Moreno ‘gets it’ and Peyton knows it. He trusts him. When Moreno is out there, Manning knows he’s got a guy who knows the play and will be ready to block if the play changes and where he needs to be to make the team successful. Of course, twitter has been cruel to him but it’s also shed some light here and there as well. And despite the massive fantasy day, tallying 224 rushing yards on 37 carries to go with a TD, Moreno left the stadium in a walking boot and on crutches. I’m pointing all of this out to say it’s not just Moreno owners who should be worried about this injury as it could affect the offense as a whole if he misses significant time. You think I’m being melodramatic up in here? Think back on all those fumbles by Peyton on huge sacks. Guess who was in to pass block? Mmm-hmmm. He’s real football important and because of that his fake football persona is relevant. Montee Ball started the collapse for the Broncos in the second half with a fumble and has had pass pro issues. Ronnie Hillman has been in the inactive dog house since his fumble fiasco at the goal line in the Colts loss. CJ Anderson? Odd if they wanted him involved why they haven’t given him many reps since the Hill demotion. All this to say, Broncos thought it was cold Sunday Night. We might be finding out how warm it is when he’s away. I know, I know, I know, I know, I know…in other news from week 12 of the 2013 Fantasy Football season…Please, blog, may I have some more?
So here I am, cruising along with my fantasy year with Jimmy Graham a pick in one of my friends leagues. Then the whole foot issue comes up and my response is ‘O-M-G’ and I’m like ‘I’m a grown-ass man…why am I saying OMG?’ These are all important questions to evaluate as we dip into the psyche of a man who told you to SELL Graham not long ago. To be fair, Tehol and I discussed at length – read: he and I tweeted at each other and I asked ‘Is this bad?’ and he was like ‘bro, it’s bad’ and I was like ‘thanks, brah, you’re right’ and he was all ‘like totes no probs, breh’ and I was all like ‘this is terrible dialogue to post on a website’ and he was all like ‘true, bruh’ – so we felt we had this subject covered. To be fair, Graham has been much more hit/miss than many of his owners would’ve expected given the start. He was the cream of the crop at TE before the injury, how could the injury not affect that? That was a rhetorical question, of course, but thank you for the response. After catching 5 catches for 100 yards, scoring a TD and Shaquille O’Neal’ing a goal post, I think we have our answer. Graham is ‘Godzilla’ to us western folk and ‘Godjira’ to the East. You can’t stop him, you can only hope to contain him until his foot falls off. I 100% own that my sell call could’ve been wrong but remember, we still have 4 more weeks until the season is over; if his reduced workload caused you any fantasy playoff heartache, feel free to cry into my abundant bosom. Ok, my bosom isn’t that abundant, leave me go, weeping one. Anywho, I’m sure you’re gonna ask: what do we do with Graham ROS? Well, sell windows have most likely come and gone so that’s no longer an option. Add/drop…who’s dropping Graham and adding fluff? Not me. So your only hope is you start him all week, every week until it pans out right. He hasn’t been terrible since the injury, just frustrating compared to previous numbers. Only so much control can be contributed to this little world we live in for fantasy and sometimes, little jackwads like myself come along and tell you how to do things and find I’m wrong. In other news from TNF from week 12 of the 2013 Fantasy Football season…Please, blog, may I have some more?
Football is a funny sport, especially for a team that rarely gets to be in the spotlight. The last time I remember seeing Cam Newton under the watchful eye of prime time, it was Thursday Night Football, week 3 and it was the 2012 season. Heading into the game, the Panthers were 1-1 and were fresh off a win over a division rival – the New Orleans Saints – and were riding high. It was Cam’s second season in the league and people were expecting great things from the young man. And then September 20th happened and the good times left the building. Cam and company left their home turf after a humiliating loss at the hands of the Giants. After a 36-7 loss, a lot of people – both fantasy enthusiasts and real – began to question Supermans superpowers. Was the guy that looked like he was pouting on the sidelines under his towel really a leader? Was the guy who just threw 3 interceptions really the person that was gonna bring Carolina back to prominence? And so on and so forth and the rest of the season played out and people forgave but never forgot the towel-covered Cam. He was a childish athlete who’d never learn how to play within the game, they said. An egotistical prat who lacked the ability to guide a team to victory, they chattered. And for most of 2012, the people were right. But some light must’ve popped on at the end of 2012 as they went on to win 5 of their last 6. Sure, the Panthers finished 7-9 but there were flashes of the team we saw on Monday last year. We were just too blinded by Cam hatred to see. And of that Cam hatred? Well, to help his team go to 8-3 on the 2013 season, Newton finished with 209 passing yards and 3 passing TDs while leading his team in rushing on the night with 62. Yeah, but you ain’t talking fantasy, Sky, this is all about real football. No one cares. Well you SHOULD care, imaginary reader. This team is fighting for the playoffs. It has motivation and incentive down the stretch to actually win their division and a supercharged Cam can be a Superman Cam at any moment and tonight he definitely was that. Cam looked better than he has in a while in the passing game. I don’t know if it was his receivers stepping up or him playing at another level – I’ll defer towards the former but that’s cuz Cam’s been pretty damn good all year, y’all – but there’s reason for JB to be pointing at the back of that jersey tonight. Cam is legit. Panthers are legit. And now I have to write about other guys and I’m completely spent. In other news from week 11 MNF for the 2013 Fantasy Football season…Please, blog, may I have some more?