Well, who woulda thought, something in the NFL of consequence has actually happened. It’s been days. DAYS! I mean, there was Antonio Cromartie’s birthday bash in Vegas with his wife and pals. By pals, I’m assuming they are referring to his bakers dozen amount of kids. The party had quite the twist too (because Vegas: where twists are legal and cost five dollars), with Cromartie receiving lap-dances from “little people” dressed up as Rihanna and Kayne. Daw, never change Antonio Cromartie. Never change. Not be outdone, Bill Belichick’s birthday also came and went. It should be noted that his party consisted of a whole lot of this. Please note, Belichick’s birthday suit is like everybody else’s, just with more hoodie. And then there was also RG3 releasing a new logo, which is, well, bold I guess. Seeing as how the Starks in Game of Thrones have a logo, and they totally suck at that game. And, of course, the Nazi’s had a logo too. So good luck with that. Anyhow, since none of these things had anything to do with fantasy football, we were left waiting, then finally, yesterday happened… and that was Chris Johnson signing a two year deal with the New York Jets. Don’t everyone jump for joy all at once…

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Welp, that was quick. After spending an entire week as a free agent (and being called an alleged gang-member, or I guess “having” affiliations with gangs, or maybe he’s just really bad at sign-language and a lover of blue tees), DeSean Jackson has been signed by the Washington Football Team. From an NFL perspective, Washington now has four wide recievers roughly the same height, and three of them that can spread the field faster than Dan Snyder can sign 35-year-olds to egregious contacts. In fact, I’m pretty sure Jackson had to lie about his age to get signed. And from a fantasy perspective, this signing certainly changes some things…

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After spending some time trying to trade DeSean Jackson, the Eagles released him last Friday. A statement followed that the Eagles were concerned with “Jackson’s continued association with reputed Los Angeles street gang members…”. Because I guess the last seven seasons wasn’t enough time to know what they had. During that span, Jackson’s tenure was both equally sweet and sour. (And you don’t know the sweet unless you’ve tasted the sour. Something-something wax poetic.) There were questions about his work ethic, wanting a new contract after just receiving one, multiple reports of being a clubhouse distraction, and some really horrendous drops. But he also had a collection of highlight catches and some epic games, including his punt return touchdown to beat the Giants back in 2010. He was also coming off a career-best season with 82 catches for 1,332 yards and nine touchdowns. But it’s clear Chip Kelly wants his guys, and Jackson wasn’t one of them. Riley Cooper is. Which seems like a double-standard, since he’s the Grand Wizard of his gang…

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New Jersey was ready to wish Mark Sanchez all the best, but then suddenly remembered all the pain and humiliation that he inflicted with such Billboard hits like ‘throwing into triple coverage’ and ‘fumbling’. Though, looking through an objective lens, he did some good things. Sure, they were few and far between, but going to the Championship game in his first two years and beating the Patriots more than he should have were definite highlights. Oh, and then there’s this:

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Interestingly enough, Ben Tate going to the Cleveland Browns might end up improving his fantasy prospects (or a strange attempt to prevent more rib-breakage), while Steve Smith signing with the Baltimore Ravens might end up doing the opposite. Yet another example of why a fantasy game with fake teams based upon real players based upon a real game isn’t always rational in the scope of things. (Just like that sentence.)

You see, under the scope of ‘real’ football, these moves mean the exact opposite. Steve Smith goes to a team that should be in or around the play-off picture, a somewhat competent (based on NFL standards) coaching staff, and a team that has some interesting weapons. Just make sure to hide if you’re a fiancée. On the other hand, Ben Tate has basically gone to the football equivalent of Siberia. But with Skyline Chili. So much worse. However, add some fantasy context, and the sky is no longer blue, roses are no longer red, and Skyline Chili does not exist. Totally worth it…

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Well, here we go. What? You didn’t get enough Jackie Battle news this past week? What about Tony Fiammetta? Breaking! I just signed Terrell Owens, and all it cost me was a Subway Tuna sandwich. Yeah, I know I overpaid. But, to be fair, there wasn’t any mayo, so I had that going. But enough about me, let’s take a look at some of the key news that’s happened so far during free agency week, all through the fantasy football scope. That scope is real by the way. I’m serious. It has chrome plating and comes with a bottle-opener.

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Again, not exactly breaking news… I’m still waiting for Michael Vick to sign so I can finally dust off my notebook full of dog abuse jokes. Which is sitting right next to my Nazi Pun’s notebook, if you were wondering. Did Nazi that coming. This post is now outside Mein Kampfort zone. That’s just a taste. I have plenty more to commit complete and total SEO suicide, just you wait and see.

Anyhow, guess what? The Denver Broncos have double-downed (POKER AND FOOTBALL DOUBLE PUN ALERT) on Montee Ball and C.J. Anderson, allowing Knowshon Moreno to become a free agent. What say you Knowshon Moreno?

If that was what he did during the National Anthem, you gotta wonder what the hell he did on 9/11…

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In a move that’s sure not to make people forget that Ray Rice uppercut (what normal-sized people would refer just simply as ‘punched’) his wife and could only carry her a few yards (just like a football, how cute!), the Ravens reached a five-year deal worth $32 million with tight end Dennis Pitta. In a news conference later today, the deal will be officially announced, which I’m sure beats having a news conference about having an alleged wife-beater on your team. HAHA get it? Ehh…

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That’s right folks. The anticipation has been mind boggling. MIND. BOGGLING. To be totally honest, I’m not quite famlier with what the Combine is or what it does. Just a few months ago, I thought it was a part in F/A 18 Hornet Fighter Jet. Why? Because it’s a jet. That can shoot missiles. Makes thing’s go boom… ya know, the stuff that matters. But to my surprise, and disappointment, I found out that the combine has nothing to do with M61A1 20-millimeter gun pew-pews. In fact, here’s where my research led me:

“The NFL Scouting Combine is a week-long showcase occurring every February at Lucas Oil Stadium in Indianapolis, Indiana, where college football players perform physical and mental tests in front of National Football League coaches, general managers, and scouts.”

Well, that certainly set me straight. And while I may not know much about the Combine, we’ve dedicated our Dynasty Contributor, Josh O., to the subject-matter, providing you the lowdown, fantasy-wise, on the Combine. Good content does exist this time of year! Unlike Manti Te’o’s girlfriend. Which, actually, doesn’t exist any years. Fascinating…

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Technically, this is where the weekly round-up would go, but there’s only one big news story going on right now besides NFL Combine stuff. And guess what? We got some Combine stuff for you planned all next week. So there’s just Ray Rice. And if you haven’t heard what’s going on with Ray Rice, you’d be surprised to know that, in this day and age, where women empowerment is at an all time high, where, just several years ago, Hilary Clinton lost an election to now President Obama, that domestic abuse still goes on. From what the news reports have stated, apparently Ray Rice hit (uppercut) his fiancée unconscious. He immediately ran for no gain, and then fell down after the first security guard touched him. (They say ‘uppercut’, but honestly, isn’t any punch from Rice considered an uppercut?)

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