The continuing saga of the dumpster fire (outside an abortion clinic) known as the NFC South surely has captivated all of us here at Razzball (I’m pretty sure it’s about 78% of the content I’ve been producing the last month), and, what I would expect to be the entire nation. Some men just want to watch the world burn. And we are those men. And our world are the Saints (6-8), Panthers (5-8), Falcons (5-9), and the Buccaneers (2-12). Remember, this division features three teams vying for a playoff spot and four teams vying for a top-10 draft position. That doesn’t even seem mathematically possible. So with that in mind, what’s a better prime-time event than to pair up a team from this division to go against the hapless Bears? With an immensely disappointing year, Marc Trestman, Jay Cutler, and the Bears switch from the cover two to the cover none defensive scheme have all been at the center of blame. And yet, they would have been vying for a home playoff game last night if they were in the NFC South. I’m not sure if that should make them laugh or cry. While the game started out derpy, it soon settled into an ugly and boring one-sided game. Perhaps the perfect teaser for Thursday Night Football, which features the Titans and Jaguars. Which will make me feature Jameson in my mouth. More like whiskey-boarding, amiright folks?Please, blog, may I have some more?
Odell Beckham Jr. is so hot right now he could take a crap, wrap it in tinfoil, put a couple fish hooks on it and sell it to Queen Elizabeth as earrings.
There are so many things to talk about after Week 15 is now in the books. Even the goal posts are changing! We saw the beginning of the “Johnny
Football Shutout Sadness Suck Balls Gabbert F*ck Up Noun 27.3 Quarterback Rating”, the ending of the Jim Harbaugh era in San Francisco, and of course there’s the NFC South, where the Panthers (5-8-1), Saints (5-8), and Falcons (5-9) are now all within a game of each other for the division lead AND in line for a top-10 draft pick. If that isn’t a dumpster fire, then my friend, you’ve never seen a dumpster fire. The Colts, Broncos, and Patriots clinched playoff appearances, which I believe is the 987th consecutive year these three teams have done it. And then there’s, of course, the growing legend of Odell Beckham Jr.. And don’t be surprised that every Giants game from here on out will follow the formula of: Interception, derp, injury, derp, Odell Beckham does something awesome, interception, Odell Beckham does something even more awesome, derp. Oh, almost forgot. And derp. Honestly though, the Giants offense right now is basically “throw it to Beckham”, and it has to be stated, it’s the best they’ve looked in years. Imagine how great it would be if Tom Coughlin stopped hiding Eli Manning’s Capri Sun…
So, that was an interesting game. If you don’t like touchdowns that is. To be fair, we weren’t promised anything, and with Thursday Night Football hosting at least 485 blow-outs thus far, I guess last night’s game could be considered a welcome change of pace. Sort of like going from watching a giant monster truck crash into a mobile home to watching paint dry. Yeah, a lot like that. But hey, it’s not the Cardinals or Rams fault. They actaully seem to be quite similar; good defenses, less-than-stellar offenses, and, of course, there’s the injury bug. Sam Bradford is old news at this point, and Carson Palmer is, just, well, old I guess. Andre Ellington is a recent casualty. And, of course, Drew Stanton had his ankle implode in the third quarter, ushering in the age of Lindley. Ryan Lindley. Just think of it this way: we are living in a world where Lindley might possibly end up leading the number one seeded team through the playoffs. Yeah, note to Cardinals players… you can go ahead and schedule all those free weekends in January now…Please, blog, may I have some more?
You’d probably think this was a hard fought game if you glanced at the score. And you’d be partly right, say 19% of the game was hard fought? 18%? With the Packers leading at the half 31-7, Monday Night Football fulfilled, certainly, my expectations, and it looked like we were all set to enjoy some Matt Flynn time. DENIED. Why? Because Dom Capers, that’s why. The Falcons went on to score 30 points and bring the game to 37-43. With a stop necessary, the Falcons went into Mike Smith’s patented “Swanson Hungry Man Beef Pot Roast dinner” defense, allowing a 12-yard run to Aaron Rodgers, and then a 41-yard run to James Starks, which essentially ended the game with 01:37 left. It can be said that the Falcons competed hard, but it’s probably more important to point out that with a 5-8 record, they are still in first place. Jesus.Please, blog, may I have some more?
If you didn’t notice, or if you didn’t read yesterday’s post, we are now travelling the December part of our football journey. And it’s almost as if a few weeks ago, some misguided couple named their child “Playoff Implications”. And let me tell you guys, when this kid grew up, he joined the military. And yesterday, that child reached the rank of “Major”. And the concept of that wonderful anecdote I just shared was manifested in the most ridiculous way possible… in the NFC South. Surprise! On a day that saw back-to-back shutouts for the Rams, the Jets still Jets’ing, it was no surprise to see the Saints lose and lose soundly at home to just an awful Carolina Panthers team. The Atlanta Falcons, with an unlikely win tonight (against the Packers at home), can build an insurmountable divisional lead and first place with a 6-7 record. AND they could probably do the same by losing! Heck, Carolina could take the division with a 6-9-1 record if they wanted to. ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN AT ANY TIME. If only the division wasn’t comparable to reading dildo reviews…Please, blog, may I have some more?
So that’s a wrap folks. All the 8-8 jokes… they’re over, done, the end is here. The Cowboys have won their ninth game of the year, something they hadn’t accomplished since 2009, including three 8-8 finishes in the past three years. But that’s okay, I actually researched this on Google and it turns out that Romonobyl actually has four reactors, which means there’s still plenty of time for the Cowboys to deliver their always consistent dose of schadenfreude during the holidays. I know this, because science bro. Their gift to all of us, if you will. The Bears in the meantime, well, wow. Total self-destruct mode has been achieved. I mean, with some improvement, this team could be as good as a slightly better but still not very good team, so there’s that, I guess. The real question I keep asking myself is: if a Bear doesn’t give a sh*t in the woods, does any one hear it?Please, blog, may I have some more?
So let me get this straight. The Chargers beat the Jets 31-0. The Dolphins beat the Chargers 37-0. So apparently by Monday Night Football calculations, we get something like this. I dare you to name ten worse games than this all year. You can’t! And just think… we get to watch these teams square off again this season! Ugh. The next time some Patriots fan tells you that their derp-fest of division has nothing to do with their success, show them last night’s game.Please, blog, may I have some more?
While it’s a bit too tempting to take time in the lede to discuss what was the “potential Super Bowl match-up” of the year between the Packers and Patriots, or even the discussing the Ravens snatching defeat from the jaws of victory against my Chargers. And heck, you could even throw in the Jaguars beating the Giants, who were in full derp mode, making Tom Coughlin even more salty and vinegary (to be taken at it’s most literal definition), but, in the end, I do find the slow collapse of the Arizona Cardinals team fascinating… While I normally don’t root for Cardinals, (that’s more St’ Louis’ and Busch’s fault. Double entendre alert!), you had to respect the fact that they found themselves 9-1 despite starting Drew Stanton, not Carson Palmer, for a majority of those games. While 9-1 and those two names don’t really make sense when used in the same sentence, a stifling defense and some luck have been two things that lesser teams have had success with (See Broncos, 2011). But ending the regular season against the Chiefs, Rams, Seahawks, and 49ers, there are legitimate scenarios where they could now miss the playoffs, and some, where the Rams could actually sneak in. This is all to say, wow, the NFC South is a dumpster fire in the truest sense of the word. You could ask for reasons why that gives context (they did just lose to the 4-7 Falcons), but I would still say NOOOOPE, I need no reasons.Please, blog, may I have some more?
As Grey pointed out yesterday, I hope all of you had a great Thanksgiving. It’s my favorite holiday of the year, mostly because I cook, drink, and football the sh*t out of it. And, of course, it’s a day of thanks, so what better thing is there to do than to thank you, the Razzball community? Well, now that I think of it, I should probably thank your mom for that one thing at that one position that happened multiple times… But seriously, the truth is, I’ve been lucky to be given the opportunity to entertain, help, and interact with all you, and I love it. And all I have to do is fart and d*ck jokes all day long. That being said, after enjoying my extravaganza of a feast (I’d be happy to share my recipes in the comments if you’re interested), I will admit… I may have napped too long. When I woke up and saw the ending of the Eagles-Dallas game, I thought I slept right into December. In fact, Romo actually saw his shadow yesterday, confirming that Romocember has arrived early. There was also a Bears-Lions game that was captivating for about a quarter and then there was a Seahawks-49ers match-up featuring Jim Harbaugh and Pete Carroll. And I’ll admit, I hadn’t seen an interaction between two assholes like that since I watched Requiem for a Dream…Please, blog, may I have some more?
So, what a wonderful evening of football we were treated to. Not only did we get our (delayed) fill of the “ridiculously unnecessary game of the week” (AKA Thursday Night Football, aka Monday Night Football, aka any game with Tampa Bay, aka any Jets game), we also got an interesting match-up between a hard-to-peg Ravens team going against the division (tied for first) leading Saints. Tied for first with now a 4-7 record. God bless you NFC South. Obviously, the Jets went and Jeetzzed all over themselves, despite coming off a bye and going against a team that a couldn’t even practice (which is pretty much the Jetsiest thing possible) the previous week due to inclement weather. But the Ravens and Saints game was interesting in the fact that I’m not sure if the Ravens are actually good… or are they are just doing well at the right times? No clue. And it’s really hard to figure out, especially when last night’s game pitted them against a Saints team that has about as much of a defense as a certain St. Louis county Grand Jury… anyways, I’ll tell you one thing, I didn’t go, nor did I participate as much as I should, but I’ll certainly be demanding a refund on those free Jets-Bills tickets…Please, blog, may I have some more?