Breaking news folks! Well, look, there’s really nothing else going on at the moment around the NFL, so why not embellish a bit with the first big news story related to fantasy football since New England targeted week five for Rob Gronkowski‘s season-ending injury. What is labeled a “groundbreaking” decision, an arbitrator has denied Jimmy Graham‘s request to officially be declared a wide receiver under the NFL’s franchise-tag rules. No word on what exactly they are going to be building after this groundbreaking ceremony, but my guess is, it’ll be a Great Pyramid of Giza-sized statue of Roger Goodell.

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Yes, the draft happened during the weekend, and you can check out my round one thoughts here. I think it still has a few years left, if I’m counting in Roger Goodell units. But as you all know, the deeper the draft goes, the less fantasy-relevant it gets. (Don’t worry though, we’ll cover the draft more this week.) And while that probably isn’t why Josh Gordon decided to net himself a possible season-long suspension for smoking some green to grab back the fantasy headlines, what this lede presupposes is, maybe it is?

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So, if you missed it, Round One of the NFL Draft happened. I was around for the most part, but 39 hours for 30 picks seems egregious, even for NFL standards. You have no idea how long I spent trying to select the auto-draft option. As with any NFL draft, there were plenty of derpy moves, surprisingly competent selections, and then there was the Browns being the Browns and the Jaguars being the Jaguars, which are always unique categories in themselves. Some teams just have a destiny.

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Well, who woulda thought, something in the NFL of consequence has actually happened. It’s been days. DAYS! I mean, there was Antonio Cromartie’s birthday bash in Vegas with his wife and pals. By pals, I’m assuming they are referring to his bakers dozen amount of kids. The party had quite the twist too (because Vegas: where twists are legal and cost five dollars), with Cromartie receiving lap-dances from “little people” dressed up as Rihanna and Kayne. Daw, never change Antonio Cromartie. Never change. Not be outdone, Bill Belichick’s birthday also came and went. It should be noted that his party consisted of a whole lot of this. Please note, Belichick’s birthday suit is like everybody else’s, just with more hoodie. And then there was also RG3 releasing a new logo, which is, well, bold I guess. Seeing as how the Starks in Game of Thrones have a logo, and they totally suck at that game. And, of course, the Nazi’s had a logo too. So good luck with that. Anyhow, since none of these things had anything to do with fantasy football, we were left waiting, then finally, yesterday happened… and that was Chris Johnson signing a two year deal with the New York Jets. Don’t everyone jump for joy all at once…

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Welp, that was quick. After spending an entire week as a free agent (and being called an alleged gang-member, or I guess “having” affiliations with gangs, or maybe he’s just really bad at sign-language and a lover of blue tees), DeSean Jackson has been signed by the Washington Football Team. From an NFL perspective, Washington now has four wide recievers roughly the same height, and three of them that can spread the field faster than Dan Snyder can sign 35-year-olds to egregious contacts. In fact, I’m pretty sure Jackson had to lie about his age to get signed. And from a fantasy perspective, this signing certainly changes some things…

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After spending some time trying to trade DeSean Jackson, the Eagles released him last Friday. A statement followed that the Eagles were concerned with “Jackson’s continued association with reputed Los Angeles street gang members…”. Because I guess the last seven seasons wasn’t enough time to know what they had. During that span, Jackson’s tenure was both equally sweet and sour. (And you don’t know the sweet unless you’ve tasted the sour. Something-something wax poetic.) There were questions about his work ethic, wanting a new contract after just receiving one, multiple reports of being a clubhouse distraction, and some really horrendous drops. But he also had a collection of highlight catches and some epic games, including his punt return touchdown to beat the Giants back in 2010. He was also coming off a career-best season with 82 catches for 1,332 yards and nine touchdowns. But it’s clear Chip Kelly wants his guys, and Jackson wasn’t one of them. Riley Cooper is. Which seems like a double-standard, since he’s the Grand Wizard of his gang…

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New Jersey was ready to wish Mark Sanchez all the best, but then suddenly remembered all the pain and humiliation that he inflicted with such Billboard hits like ‘throwing into triple coverage’ and ‘fumbling’. Though, looking through an objective lens, he did some good things. Sure, they were few and far between, but going to the Championship game in his first two years and beating the Patriots more than he should have were definite highlights. Oh, and then there’s this:

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Interestingly enough, Ben Tate going to the Cleveland Browns might end up improving his fantasy prospects (or a strange attempt to prevent more rib-breakage), while Steve Smith signing with the Baltimore Ravens might end up doing the opposite. Yet another example of why a fantasy game with fake teams based upon real players based upon a real game isn’t always rational in the scope of things. (Just like that sentence.)

You see, under the scope of ‘real’ football, these moves mean the exact opposite. Steve Smith goes to a team that should be in or around the play-off picture, a somewhat competent (based on NFL standards) coaching staff, and a team that has some interesting weapons. Just make sure to hide if you’re a fiancée. On the other hand, Ben Tate has basically gone to the football equivalent of Siberia. But with Skyline Chili. So much worse. However, add some fantasy context, and the sky is no longer blue, roses are no longer red, and Skyline Chili does not exist. Totally worth it…

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Well, here we go. What? You didn’t get enough Jackie Battle news this past week? What about Tony Fiammetta? Breaking! I just signed Terrell Owens, and all it cost me was a Subway Tuna sandwich. Yeah, I know I overpaid. But, to be fair, there wasn’t any mayo, so I had that going. But enough about me, let’s take a look at some of the key news that’s happened so far during free agency week, all through the fantasy football scope. That scope is real by the way. I’m serious. It has chrome plating and comes with a bottle-opener.

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Again, not exactly breaking news… I’m still waiting for Michael Vick to sign so I can finally dust off my notebook full of dog abuse jokes. Which is sitting right next to my Nazi Pun’s notebook, if you were wondering. Did Nazi that coming. This post is now outside Mein Kampfort zone. That’s just a taste. I have plenty more to commit complete and total SEO suicide, just you wait and see.

Anyhow, guess what? The Denver Broncos have double-downed (POKER AND FOOTBALL DOUBLE PUN ALERT) on Montee Ball and C.J. Anderson, allowing Knowshon Moreno to become a free agent. What say you Knowshon Moreno?

If that was what he did during the National Anthem, you gotta wonder what the hell he did on 9/11…

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