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I would say the Marshall Plan was a smashing success in an attempt to combat Soviet Communism back in 1948. Why Chicago was trying to invest $17 billion in aid to Europe last night was anyone’s guess, but that plan would have probably netted more yardage than Brandon Marshall. Despite the game looking somewhat unspectacular on paper (like how the Jets are not as bad as you would think, if you only look at them on paper), the game turned out to be what I expected last night, a dramatic and entertaining game mixed in with plenty of derp for good measure. The Derpmating, if you will. And while the Jets are a mistake-prone football team, their secondary did a good job against a vastly superior Chicago receiving core along with another strong effort from their front seven. The only problem is that the Bears were able to take advantage of those mistakes, even with their entire secondary dying in the second half.

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So, if you don’t know what to make of this year so far, join my club. I just started it, but looking at the numbers… yes, it appears the entire Earth is already a member. There are so many fascinating and ridiculous and unfortunate and just plain dumb things happening all around us this year, it’s no wonder that Wes Welker took a Molly. Wait a second… WHAT IF WE’RE ALL ON MOLLY? It’s almost as if Rust Cohle is writing my life at the moment. “Someone once told me, ‘Time is a flat circle.’ Everything we’ve ever done or will do, we’re gonna do over and over and over again.” Alright-alright-alright. I’ll be sure to tell my grand kids about that. In the meantime, I’ll have to seek out some kind of solution as how to grasp the events that this season has wrought upon us all. I hear whiskey is nice this time of the year…

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Soooo, that was enthralling. And by enthralling, I mean it the same way I feel when watching cars crash into each other. The game was essentially over in the first 20 seconds when 18 touchdowns were scored, but seeing as I actually have to create content based on the game, I upgraded the vodka to anti-freeze. I feel like this is the same strategy implemented by any local pizza places that gave out free toppings for each Falcons touchdown. That… was a poor business decision.

BREAKING: Roger Goodell to suspend the Atlanta Falcons six games for violently abusing the Bucs.

Annnnd there you have it folks. I just really think Atlanta’s scheduling of an FCS team will hurt their bid for a spot in the playoffs. And while the Buccaneers are trying to be the Raiders, they’re not there yet. Close though. Oh so very close. It’s okay Tampa, a lot of people don’t try hard at their job.

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i

Trent Richardson just experimenting with his new tactic of gaining yardage by getting tackled from behind.

So apparently ESPN had their huge unveiling last night for their new piece of technology that celebrates Chip Kelly’s innovativeoffense by creating a clock that works in reverse of a play clock. So the numbers now count up instead of down. I’m sure money, time, and development went into this, so I should point out that cancer is still a thing. Regardless, the game itself was strangely entertaining for an MNF slot that hasn’t felt relevant this decade. Sure, most of that excitement was produced by Darren Sproles, who is so tiny and fast. And while Foles and the Eagles offense has struggled mightly now in the first half of their first two games, to their credit, they’re now 2-0. And despite an obvious holding call directly leading to a crucial Andrew Luck interception in the 4th quarter, the Colts seemed to waste an actually effective running tandem in Trent Richardson and my chosen one, Ahmad Bradshaw with lousy repetitive play-calling and the mistakable urge to play for field position towards the end of the game. It’s not a death march by any means, but 0-2 is not how I imagined the Colts starting.

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dysentery

To be honest, I’m not really sure what to do with myself right now. As I’m writing today’s recap (which will be yesterday’s recap when you read this), I find myself essentially writing my first ever obituary. It’s certainly not a fun feeling writing about gruesome, year-threatening, maybe even career-threatening injuries, but seeing as this all came on a day where we saw the Cleveland Browns finally have an opportunity to understand what this “happiness” emotion is that they’ve heard so much about, but have never experienced, and that the Bills are officially on pace to go 16-0, we can try to find some sort of silver lining here. Or just realize that the world is about to come to an end. Also, LOL Jets.

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Green Bay Packers v Minnesota Vikings

Did he beat his kid until he was purple? Jesus.

So, as if there hasn’t been enough negative news going around these parts, apparently, the Vikings running back wishes to keep the dominoes going. In other news, thanks for making me hungry for pizza too. Ya jerk.

Vikings running back Adrian Peterson has been indicted on charges of child injury in Texas, according to multiple reports. 

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i

They don’t call it the Charm City for nothing!

God, these teams are both terrible. At least that’s what I got from last night’s game. I remember when this matchup was good. Now it’s like watching a fight in the old age home between two withered, senile dudes in diapers. One thing’s for sure, The Ravens overcame a lot of adveristy last night, if adversity means the Steelers. And, to Pittsburgh’s credit, they all looked remarkably calm for being on a boat that’s sinking. For the complete recap of the game, I’ve compacted it into one sentence for each team, so as to limit your suffering: Ravens — Six trips inside the 20 and two TDs. (Thanks, no, we were just looking.) Steelers — Even by Todd Haley standards, that was some sh*t playcalling. (“HOW DO I FOOTBALL?”) But hey, you have to admit, Joe Flacco looked at least 2% more elite with that rugged beard.

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Well, as referenced last night, the derpiness was magnified 10-fold with two Monday Night Football games being played. For the Giants, well, I can only say that it’s my honor to watch Tom Coughlin’s last year as head coach. The team looked drunk most of the night, I guess wanting to join in on my fun. The optimist in me would say that things can only improve from here on out, but I know Eli Manning better than that. (He’s on pace for 32 interceptions. I believe!) On the flip side, we saw Matthew Stafford and Calvin Johnson play catch for most of the evening. There must have been something the Giants defense could have done to prevent all those touchdown passes to Megatron. Maybe they could have had some of their players around the area that Mr. Johnson occupied, perhaps making it more difficult for the ball to be thrown to him? They could call this wonderful new invention “pass coverage”. And while in the second quarter when the game was still close, it looked like all the other Lions games I’ve watched, where the two teams are essentially two friends at dinner arguing over who is going to pick up the check. Eventually, someone gives in, but the act is just weird over-generosity at that point. But alas, the game ended pretty quickly thereafter and we were left with an important question: Are the Lions good at football, or are the Giants a dumpster fire?

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TMZ Sports has released the complete and disturbing video that shows Ray Rice punching his then-fiancee in the face in an Atlantic City hotel in February. This is the first time we have seen footage of Rice actually hitting Janay Rice (then Palmer), and while I won’t link it here because abuse, of any kind, sickens me, I’m sure Google can help you out. There are conflicting reports of whether or not the NFL and Roger Goodell had access to this “extended” cut when deciding the length of Rice’s suspension, because I’m sure at this point, the league would rather just look completely stupid than heartless, but, at least in my eyes, it looks like they’re going to come out as both. Nailed it!

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