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Good tidings everyone and welcome, once again, to this quickly/drunkenly-typed post of one handsome man’s observations of Sunday Night Football. I’d like to thank Sky for covering my slot last week, as, if you didn’t hear, was because my birthday weekend finally arrived after a year-long wait. Sky seemed to understand that a three-day alcohol binge was not the best precursor to write a Sunday Night Football recap… Naw, I’m just messing with you, he didn’t mention that at all. He was actually wondering why that weekend would be any different then my normal routine. Well played sir, well played. The difference? More crying. Goodbye age-30, my self-labeled peak. Hello early 30’s. So, football… hey, wait a second… are you kidding me? Peyton Manning returned to Indy last night? No one told me! Way to downplay a narrative sports media! Let us go over this premier horse game. Hey, John Elway, why the long face? HAR HAR.

the drinking game I played

Drink one sip of beer…

…every time Cris Collinsworth fellated a lineman.

…whenever a Peyton Manning pass to Wes Welker ended in a drop OR no YAC.

…whevever Eric Decker tried to get a PI call via a tantrum.

…every time there was a Peyton Manning and Colts reference. This one pretty much set me up for the whole night.

Take one shot of Jägermeister…

…whenever they showed John Elway neighing in the booth.

…every time I thought Andrew Luck had a blue orange peel in his mouth, then remembered he uses an obnoxiously huge mouth guard. This one was clever, as I could technically take a shot every time there was a Luck shot. Freedom baby.

score and a quick summary of the game

DEN -33, IND – 39

Frankly, the hype was not warranted for about 85% of my viewing time. But, I have to admit, this turned into a football game so gradually I didn’t even notice. When the game got suddenly watchable, I already had the drunk sweats and Indy fan’s thought they were witnessing a scripted Peyton Manning comeback. And trust me, those fan’s had been eating Steak ‘n Shake all weekend, the last thing we wanted was for them to poop their pants. But alas, a wonderful Ronnie Hillman fumble allowed the Colts to come away with the win. While the price of this victory may ultimately be too high, in that, Jim Irsay and his 9.3 BAC is happy, at the same time, we can take solace in the fact that John Elway and Pey-Pey now has the sads. I guess you could say life is a game of give and take. MOTHA EFFING DEEP BRAH.

DRUNKEN BULLET POINTS 

– Not a remotely effable broad in that Indy crowd.

– Serving sizes at Lucas Oil Stadium: Gargantuan, Colossal, Mammoth, and Super Mammoth.

– Chuck Pagano had leukemia? ESPN never covered that story because they were too busy covering hockey!

– Excited as the Indy crowd has been, you’d think it’s half-price night at the Golden Corral.

– There is a disturbing lack of pink on the field during this game. How will women know to regularly check themselves for breast cancer?

– It is no coincidence that Lucas Oil Stadium looks like a barn.

– Who is the audience for The Voice?

– Hey, remember when Jim Caldwell was the coach of the Colts? That was hilarious.

world famous Razzball player blurb thing-a-ma-jigs

Andrew Luck — 21/38, 228 YDS, 3 TD, 0 INT and 4 CAR, 29 YDS, 1 TD. Do you think they draw plays on cave walls so Luck can understand them better? On every scramble, do you think Luck just remembers what it was like to run away from hungry saber tooth tigers? I think so. Because he looks like a Hodor caveman, complete with neckbeard. Shhh, Encino Man had to learn the same lessons. Regardless, he certainly earned that extra piece of mammoth at dinner for this game.

Peyton Manning — 29/49, 386 YDS, 3 TD, 1 INT and 4 CAR, -1 YDS. I wonder when Manning is going to get corporate sponsors for individual TDs. Also, his forehead pink spot makes me wonder if he sleeps with his helmet on. I know his brother Eli is required to wear a helmet at all times… I mean, you can spot that thing on his head with Google Earth. Game wise, Manningface turned into permanent Manningsulk for pretty much the entire game. I relished that.

Donald Brown — 11 CAR, 23 YDS. Donald Brown > Trent Richardson. Crazy, right? Yeah, totally. But it still makes you think. Which means Trent Richardson owners should be worrying.

Trent Richardson — 14 CAR, 37 YDS, 1 FUM. Well, he had an 8-yard run. Which, I’m just guessing, would probably be the longest run of the year for him. First round pick justified! Did you know he’s been with the team a month, and has one rushing yard for each day? Something like that.

Stanley Havili — 1 CAR, 2 YDS and 1 REC, 20 YDS, 1 TD. Who?

Ronnie Hillman — 4 CAR, 25 YDS, 1 FUM and 1 REC, 1 YDS. “If you’re going to abandon the running game, Ronnie Hillman can really help you.” — Cris Collinsworth. Nice thing to say about a RB there Cris. With a terrible fumble in the red zone at the end of the game, I’m pretty sure Hillman had to walk home.

Knowshon Moreno — 15 CAR, 40 YDS, 1 TD and 3 REC, 9 YDS. A very Knowshon game. Which is to say, a very bland game. What can I say? I’m in the know. Pun status: Nailed it.

Eric Decker — 8 REC, 150 YDS, 1 TD. Do Decker’s fantasy owners get points for his whining? If so, congrats.

Wes Welker — 7 REC, 96 YDS. #83… now officially my fourth favorite Welker, behind Texas Welker, Greatriot gritty Welkah, and the Jewkah (Edelman for all you lay people). Still ahead of Wounded Welkerdola.

Demaryius Thomas — 4 REC, 82 YDS, 1 TD. I speak for all Demaryius Thomas owners… however many times he’s targeted, it’s never enough. We will never be satisfied. Solution: we must make more sacrifices to Pey-Pey’s forehead. MORE VIRGINS FOR THE FOREHEAD GODS! Yes, this is the point when I realize I should stop drinking… and then I double-down.

Darrius Heyward-Bey — 4 REC, 44 YDS, 1 TD and 1 CAR, 30 YRDS. DHB caught a pass? Naw you’re fooling me. You can really see why Al Davis drafted DHB: he’s terrific when he doesn’t have to catch the ball.

T.Y. Hilton — 2 REC, 27 YDS. THIS GUY, T.Y. HILTON, I CALL HIM PARIS HILTON, BECAUSE HE GOES DOWN EASILY. By-the-way, T.Y. Hilton is their #3 WR behind Darrius Heyward-Bey, because the Colts. I guess.

Reggie Wayne — 5 REC, 50 YDS. Peyton knows how to plan ahead. He installed explosives in Reggie’s knees six years ago.

Coby Fleener — 5 REC, 38 YDS, 1 TD.  Had the most unnecessary leap ever before the half. I guess he just wanted to dispel some stereotypes. Fleenerdown’s cure all ills though… sorta.

Julius Thomas — 5 REC, 41 YDS, 1 TD. You think when he gets a TD, they should be called an ORANGEDOWN? Naw bro, you’re way off. More like WRONGTHOMASDOWN, amiright?

a wonderful concluding thought

Ladies and Gentlemen– An Andy Reid-coached, Alex Smith-quarterback’d led group is the lone undefeated team in the 2013 NFL season.

I don’t even know what’s real anymore…

Jason Longfellow, aka Jay Long, aka JayWrong, aka Jay, aka JW-1, is a 31-year old Korean/Irish writer who finds solace using Makers Mark as a vehicle to impress women, and also has an affinity for making Jennifer Lawrence GIFs. You can follow him @jaywrong, read his blog Desultory Thoughts of a Longfellow, or, you can find his GIFs at his tumblr, named Siuijeonseo.

  1. Kobayashi Maru says:
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    10 team, 2qb, 3wr, +flex, I’m 2-5 and need to get creative: my WRs are Boldin, D. Moore, Bowe and Allen, I’m considering Luck+Boldin for Freeman+Welker? I’m worried about Luck’s value ROS without Wayne.

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @Kobayashi Maru: I would hold. Even without Wayne, Luck is still way higher than Freeman.

  2. Chris says:
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    So I’m in a bit of a rut. I’m in a 20-team PPR league (1WR, 1RB, 2 FLEX) that counts return yards. Bradford just went down, leaving me with a bum Nick Foles and McCown as my only QBs. Here’s the trade I’ve been offered.

    My: Harvin, Sproles
    His: Brady

    I have Calvin Johnson, Zac Stacy, Shorts, Randle and TY Hilton too, so the position players wouldn’t be a huge hit, and I’m concerned about not having a starting QB after Cutler comes back. I know the trade is heavily skewed in his favor, but I’m kind of desperate. Thoughts?

  3. Big Magoo says:
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    I benched Decker and Ridley and started Foles at QB in my main league. I miss baseball.

    Speaking of which, I noticed that you managed to get Gyorko but missed out on Venable by a few picks. I thought it would be the other way around. I’m guessing you’ll grab your #3 OF on the next turn and then…

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @Big Magoo: Hah, I hear ya. And yeah, I figure Martin is an okay backup to losing out on my Venable. I might go IF/P next turn, not sure yet.

      Going off what you said, I am surprised at how shallow OF is right now. Probably something I’ll point out in my write up.

      • Big Magoo says:
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        @Jay: Yeah, I like Martin at that spot. Looks like you have a powerful infield and the makings of a speedy outfield.

        I’m not sure why there are so many downvotes for your Rosario pick. He’s a good bet for .270+ and 25+ homers. In a two catcher league, that’s pure gold. I like that pick.

        Might’ve gone with another bat like Zimmerman or Cespedes instead of Sale, especially considering the arms that were still available in the 10th (Minor, Miller, Cole, Gio, etc.). Would you still have taken Sale there if you knew that those other arms would last that long?

        • Jay

          Jay says:
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          @Big Magoo: most likely, as I like he’s reliability in a redraft more than Tue other guys. I think I’ll have enough boom in my offense to where I can build a sneaky good staff.

          With Rosario, yeah, its more personal strategy than anything. In two catcher leagues, I like to have at least one top five guy to go with a scrub, and he’s the one I trusted the most. Several catchers went after that pick, so I’m assuming I sniper him there.

  4. Vinny says:
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    I just traded Tom Brady and Danny Woodhead for Andrew Luck. How did I do?

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @Vinny: I’d rather have Brady and Woodhead. Especially in a PPR.

  5. Dave says:
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    Would you trade Luck for Brady? I know Luck’s value is higher and I’ll ask for a throw in if I do it but which one do you think will be better ROS?

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @Dave: I’m still leaning Brady.

  6. Yeshcheese says:
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    Thanks for the hand Schaub jay!! 7-0

  7. jake says:
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    would you trade morris +fleener for bennet +CJ ROS? (.5 ppr)

    gratzi!

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @jake: I think I might hold, but its close.

  8. Frank White says:
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    do you think randel is going to be the wr2 if nicks goes down?

Comments are closed.