I know, I know, I should’ve seen this coming. I think Hunter S. Thompson put it best: ‘You can turn your back on a person but never turn your back on a drug’. I let my guard down, forgot that I was dealing with an addict. Kubiak’s passion for Matt Schaub runs deeper than THE Bruce Dickenson’s want for more cowbell. I should’ve known that he’d get the itch at some point again. How many days had it been since crazy ‘ole Kub had seen a ‘drop back and fall to the ground because I’m an immobile QB’ sack? When was the last time he got to see one of those patented stalled drives down near the goal line from his old QB flame? We all understand, Gary, you just can’t quit this man. You guys had such good times together. Like that pick-6 he threw in week 2. And then that other one he threw in week 3. Oh and do you remember that one he threw in week 4? That one was a beauty. Personally, though, I’m partial to the one he threw in week 5 that helped him set an NFL record for consecutive games with a pick 6. I mean, imagine that: your starting QB setting NFL records. That makes you proud as a coach. You can’t quit that. Not after someone has made a burger about it. No sir. You don’t care what the stats say or the energy the new QB brings to the team. You do anything and everything in your power to undermine the confidence of that young man. I mean, who does he think he is? Throwing 5 TDs in 2 games to big AJ, the guy who had 4 total in his last 20 games heading into that string. He’s…uh…just not moving the ball right that way. Gotta spread it around. We need more 5 yard bootleg passes to the TE! We can’t have plays that go for more than 10 yards. What’s the fun in that? That’s not Schaub-style football, dammit! Dear Gary Kubiak, consider this lead paragraph my love song to you in the swan song that is your career as the Houston Texans coach. Please note I typed it only using two fingers, both of them middle. In other fantasy news from week 14’s Thursday Night Football contest…
Case Keenum – Here’s a fun little stat, according to ESPN, Case equaled Schaub’s output on the night for fantasy purposes with his 159/1/1 and 13 rushing yards. Here’s another fun little stat: when you leave QBs in games, they tend to score more points and help your team win. Here’s another, little unknown, probably not true stat: Kubiak has at least three more Matt Schaub tattoos than Rex Ryan has Mark Sanchez tattoos.
Chad Henne – Scored 15 points…with 117 yards passing. Marcedes Lewis even got in on the action with a whopping 2 catches for 42 yards and a TD (one of Henne’s two on the night). If you thought this was gonna be the best match of football you’d see on Thursday night well, if you don’t watch college football, you’d be right.
Houston Penalties – How did this kid not get more playing time earlier in the year? I mean, 14 for 177 yards? Those are some huge primetime numbers! Hey temp, what’s this 14? Pass completions? Rushing attempts? Receptions? *Temp mumbles in background*. Ohhhhh…Texans suck.
Aaron Rodgers – Practiced in pads on Thursday but was still listed as a limited participant and hasn’t been cleared to play. And since we’re on the topic of broken dreams, Randall Cobb hasn’t even sniffed the playing field since his injury to my knowledge. I want to give you hope, cheeseheads, but all I’m smelling is head cheese at this point.
Ace Sanders – I’m mentioning him for two reasons. One he was fantasy relevant for the night. Two, if the Jags ever get any semblance of a decent QB, this kid is a weapon to be exploited. Finished the night with a 3/26 through the air and became the second skillplayer on the Jags to have more passing TDs than Blaine Gabbert on the year with a 21 yarder to Todman. Because you all like puns, this kid might be an Ace in the hole in dynasty leagues.
Andre Johnson – I feel bad for the guy, I really do. Finished the night with 13/154 as he’s torn between an old lover and a new, exciting one that he actually gets to score with…wait, he’s not torn. Every bro wants someone who puts out. Get the eff outta here, Schaub, you dumpy, over the hill Charlie Brown lookin’ mutha F…
Jay Cutler – Is a no go which makes Josh McCown a go go. And just in case you don’t know what I do know, Josh ain’t that bad and has been a top 10 QB for most of his time as a starter this year…what. It was an off-rhyme.
Maurice Jones-Drew – Didn’t reach paydirt but put up his first 100 rushing yard performance on the year, tallying 103 on the ground and even catching 2 for 20 through the air. It’s been a bumpy ride with the Oompa-Loompa this year, but he’s currently the 14th best RB in PPR formats according to Yahoo which is roughly in line with where I put him in the Top 20 Running Backs to start the year and gets to finish the year with two reasonable rushing match ups down the stretch. Yes, MJD could finish as a top 10 back in theory. Yes, this should make you very, very angry because he was just completely worthless for about 50% of the year.
DeAndre Hopkins – Finished with 3/76. Again, nothing major to write home about but for dynasty leagues, the kid is legit. Let’s just hope he learns how to spend his off-time better in the future. Stop posting Nuk-le Children vids, bro.