Normally, I’d write something incredibly witty here. But I’m running up against my deadline, so come on, it’s week 13. You know the drill. These are the top value plays at FanDuel and DraftKings this week. There’s no contest link here, true, but DraftKings does have a very nice freeroll you can (and should) enter. Cards on the table, to save time, all my pop-culture references this week will come from the NBC TV series “Community.” It’s cool. Cool cool cool.
Colin Kaepernick at STL ($6,900 FanDuel, $6,500 DraftKings): Much like how Starburns was pushed aside from the fry cook job, so has Alex Smith seem his best days slip behind him. And much like Abed running a chicken finger syndicate (the show is really weird sometimes), Kaepernick can take his team to new heights. The matchup is pretty average, but you almost have to use him, since CK’s price tag won’t be this low again for the rest of the year.
Chad Henne at BUF ($6,500 FD, $5,500 DK): The Jaguars’ offense gets a matchup this week that’s hotter than Buddy’s fantasy of Annie and Britta (yes, a character’s name is Britta) as Greendale cheerleaders. So this won’t be the first time we see the team represented in this list. For the second straight week, your QB should probably be one of these two players.
Rashard Jennings at BUF ($5,200 FD, $3,600 DK): Somewhere, there’s a parallel universe where Maurice Jones-Drew is about to go off for 250 yards and two TDs on Buffalo’s defense. But of course I am not lucky enough to live in that universe. At least this shouldn’t be the darkest timeline, as Jennings will likely put up about 100 yards and a score. At the price, it’s harder to pass that up than a ride in a simulated space shuttle.
Knowshon Moreno vs. TB ($5,300 FD, $5,100 DK): Normally you can just laugh at the Old White Man Says Twitter account, but not when said old white man is John Fox. It was he who decided last week to not only make Moreno the starter, but also to give him the rock the entire game, forsaking all other options. Another performance like that is very possible this week and if it happens, maybe Moreno will get his own TV show.
Bryce Brown at DAL ($5,800 FD, $4,800 DK): There’s certainly no reason to get rid of the B (or in this case, the BB) after Brown’s coming out party last week. Sure, he nearly Britta’d it with those two fumbles, but otherwise, it was a pretty awesome week. Of course, you do have to be concerned about him getting left behind in a blowout.
Cecil Shorts at BUF ($6,400 FD, $6,700 DK): Shorts! I choose Shorts! Well, at least so long as he’s healthy. You’ll want to check the practice report today to verify if he’s actually going to go. And be willing to downgrade the whole damn team if he doesn’t. But if he does, Buffalo has shown less of an ability to stop someone than Chang as a security guard.
Eric Decker vs. TB ($6,400 FD, $6,100 DK): Even moreso than Jacksonville’s game, Denver’s offense could make Sunday look like the fight from season one’s Christmas episode where the entire study group takes out some bullies. Stacking Denver’s offense (that is, using Peyton Manning, Decker, Demariyus Thomas, and maybe even Jacob Tamme) against TB’s porous pass defense could even be the way to win a huge contest this week.
Denarius Moore vs. CLE ($6,100 FD, $4,800 DK): Moore is an even bigger tease than Annie when she was trying to get Jeff to join up with the Glee Club. For the record, Dan Harmon, when you mock the idea of doing a certain type of episode (Glee parody) at the end of season two, don’t turn around and actually do the episode halfway through season three. This is why you got fired (well, that and not being able to get along with Chevy Chase). So yeah, Raiders could be trailing, forced to throw, that would be good for Moore.
Owen Daniels at TEN ($6,200 FD, $4,600): The way tight end shakes out this week is stranger than when Abed saw everything in stop-motion animation. Rob Gronkowski is still injured. Jimmy Graham played Thursday night. So the question becomes which of the second-tier options do you want to roll with? My vote is with Daniels, since he has perhaps the best case for an available TE being his team’s second option in the passing game. Think of it like passing up on either Britta (Witten) or Slater (Hernandez) and running outside to kiss Annie instead.
Greg Zuerlein vs. SF ($5,000 FD, $2,500 DK): As much as I’d love to keep going with David Akers, news of his groin injury is more disappointing than finding out Joshua was a racist (not me, a character in the show. I finally get a namesake character on a TV show and of course he ends up being a Nazi). Zuerlein had eight points in the tie between these two teams and is averaging 8.6 points per game. Seems like a reasonable expectation for the minimum salary.
New York Jets Defense vs. ARZ ($5,200 FD, $2,700): I will, however, recommend splurging on your defense this week. Why? Ryan Lindley. Now, Rex Ryan might be more delusional than the dean trying to make a Greendale commercial when he says the Jets can still have a top-five defense this year, but that doesn’t mean the Cardinals offense won’t still gift them a bucketload of fantasy points (screw you spell check, bucketload is totally a word).