The narrative of tonight’s game would best be read in a Sam Elliott voice. No, I’m not talking about those crappy Dodge commercials. No again, I’m not talking about his turn as the Chupadogra in Marmaduke. How’d you even know he was that without Wikipedia anyways? Nah, I’m rocking The Big Lebowski on this one and going with ‘The Stranger’. Sometimes there’s a man…I won’t say a hero, ’cause, what’s a hero? But sometimes, there’s a man. And I’m talkin’ about Peyton Hillis here. Sometimes, there’s a man, well, he’s the man for his time and place. He fits right in there. And that’s Hillis, in New Jersey. And even if he’s a lazy man – and Hillis was most certainly that. Quite possibly the laziest in Bergen County, which would place him high in the runnin’ back world for laziest worldwide. But sometimes there’s a man…sometimes, there’s a man…Aw, I lost my train of thought here. But what I do know is on a night rife with Fantasy futility, the the bridge to a winning week was brought down by the unlikeliest of guys on a night of the unlikeliest suckitude we’ve seen in prime time so far this year. Hillis gave us his best Hynoski impersonation for most of the night as he rumbled for 81 tough yards and a touchdown to help hold down the first win of the NFL season for his beleaguered team mates. Indeed, sometimes there’s a man…who doesn’t really matter and will never be heard from again. You can call Peyton Hillis the dude and I’m just fine with that. But he’s not the capitalized ‘Dude’. He’s some schmo that stumbled onto an 0-6 team and whose lead back for the week got hurt and needed a spark for the night and he was it. And with this narrative, I fully expect the first question to be ‘should I pick up Hillis’ because I’ve trained you all well in the art of snark. Good lord, this game was terrible. Thank you, voice of Sam Elliott in my head, for making it palpable. In other 2013 Fantasy Football news…
Ben Tate – Yeah, the night was so exciting I’m spending this post talking about injuries. Apparently, Tate broke four ribs but says he’ll be ready to play after the bye. I asked Mr. Owl after he was done with his tootsie pop how many broken ribs it took to sit a running back and he still said uh-one, uh-two-HOO, uh-thuree and made a crunchy noise. Oddly, I trust his judgement over Tates at this point, though.
Josh Freeman – I’m not gonna lie and say he looked great. He didn’t. What he did look like was a guy adjusting to a new offense and who probably wasn’t ready to start. I’m pretty sure Bob Uecker called about 70% of his pass plays on the night. He threw it high, he threw it wide, he threw it out of bounds and rarely did he connect with a receiver and when he did, it would get dropped in the end zone (thanks Jerome Simpson for ruining my fantasy night, BTW). In the end, I still like Freeman overall for the Vikings but it’s clear he wasn’t ready to be running this team tonight.
Reggie Wayne – Done for the year with a torn ACL. A lot of the news is going to say it bumps DHB up in Indy to which I say ‘nah, bruh’ and I advise you to start peppering your league mates with TY Hilton trades now…what, you’re still here? What part of ‘now’ did you not get? Go!
Hakeem Nicks – I mentioned yesterday I thought the trade rumors around Josh Gordon were getting to him. Tonight seemed like a ‘I don’t wanna get hurt for fear of getting stuck on this terrible team ROS’ as he pulled himself out with a ‘finger ailment’. Pretty sure it happened while flipping off everyone making trade rumors about him. Or maybe he hurt it dialing up Jim Irsay. I hear he trades 1st round picks for almost nothing these days! But for serious, I saw a lot of give up on plays from Hakeem tonight. He either wants to be traded or doesn’t care or both. Funny how his sentiment mirrors his fantasy owners this year. Warning, #HumbleBrag commencing in three, two, one…go! Oh, I forgot the humble part I guess…well, read the sleepers in that post and you’ll find’um!
Rueben Randle – Made an amazing TD catch but finished the night with just 3/40/1 and a fumble. Not his best night during his TD streak but with catches like that, he may very well be on for many more good nights to come if Hakeem is traded.
Adrian Peterson – I can imagine AP sitting in the backfield wishing he was staring at Ponder’s backside tonight and not Freeman’s. I think you misread that sentence. My statement was purely sexual. All-Day clearly couldn’t pass the AP exam like Hillis did with only 56 total yards but that won’t change the tangent that I bring to you: Phil Mushnick is probably one of the worst human beings on the planet. Spread the word. I won’t give you the link. That shouldn’t be spread.
Eli Manning – Well, he didn’t throw 2.5 INTs tonight to stay on his crazy pace – though he really tried to give the Minny secondary a nice Hand Schaub on Sherels drop – so I guess that’s progress. Eh, he still looked like Eli out there. Not sure what else to say. Manning Face? Dude, where’s my car!
Michael Cox – I had a ‘Cox in your end zone’ joke here but Michael fumbled it. Seriously, Coughlin lets Hillis lose a fumble but the moment Michael fumbles, he gets the David Wilson treatment. Tom, your face looks like a Baboon’s ass with how red it is and the way you treat your players is starting to resemble it as well. I hear Florida has a great retirement community for crusty, old badgers like yourself. Just throwing it out there.
Marcus Sherels – It’s come to me talking about defense and special teams. Had a kick return for a touchdown. Also dropped a near pick-6 and then on the subsequent play, fumbled the punt return on which the Giants scored the Hillis TD. From #GOAT, to goat to Taylor Swift. We need a ‘this game was so bad’ comments joke toast like ‘yo mama’ jokes of old. I’m literally talking about D/ST here people and ending the post with it.