After my road trip deep into the woods of the Pacific Northwest to meet and pass Razzball Football initiation with our leader Sky, I have returned a new man with no recollection of last Saturday. I woke up Sunday, naked and alone, sometime in the early evening to find Roy Helu had scored three touchdowns in the Redskins big win over the Bears. Am I still drugged up? Is this all a dream? Why are my pants cut into chaps? Like almost everyone else on earth, except maybe this guy, who would of thought Roy Helu would score as many rushing TD’s in one game that CJ Spiller, Arian Foster and Doug Martin have combined for this season. Yeah, F**K YOU FIRST ROUND RUNNING BACKS! It’s ok everyone, Helu is just really lucky because of one game, but it is hard to imagine that he goes back to nothingness considering the Skins only two wins came in games where he found the endzone. Wait!…What? Yup, that is correct 12 readers of my “list”. In the Skins only two victories of the season Helu found the endzone four times. He has averaged 4.2 YPC on the year and averages 10.9 yards per reception. That looks good enough to me Shanahanigans. PLAY HELU MORE! WE NEED MORE HELU! RETIRE YOU CRAZY BASTARD! Sorry for the yelling 12 readers, I drafted Trent Richardson everywhere and if I keep punching my computer I won’t be able to bring this drivel to you every Friday. I would grab Helu everywhere, no, not there Prezzii, and either use him or stash him. Because of the unpredictability of his coach I won’t make him a fuzzy cuff til I see more. Before moving on I must share this beautiful artistic piece about the ownership of the Redskins.
FUZZY HANDCUFFS - They’re fun, sexy, and when someone breaks them out it’s good times ahead
1) CJ Spiller (Fred Jackson, Tashard Choice) Jackson has 5 TD’s on the year to Spiller’s 1.Yup and yup.
2) Ryan Matthews (Danny Woodhead, Ronnie Brown) start Woodhead with confidence and giggle at your own convenience when you say his name.
3) Darren Sproles (Pierre Thomas , Khiry Robinson) The three headed monster returns this week after taking a week to untie itself. PT is a must start and Khiry is worth a stash in some formats.
4) Reggie Bush (Joique Bell) With a shootout on the horizon this weekend Bell might be a nice flex play gamble or an RB2 for those stuck in bye week hell.
5) Giovanni Bernard (BenJarvus Green-Ellis) After my weekly letter writing campaign, the Bengals and Yahoo have finally put GOB on top of the depth chart. I think being the only letters they have received in 5 years helps me….Thank you e-mail.
6) Arian Foster (Ben Tate, Greg Jones, Javarris Williams) The bye week is saving this mess, will wait to see what happens in practice next week with Fosters hammy and Tate’s ribs…Ooh, that sounds like a tasty BBQ combo. Tate says he can play and I say follow Sky next week and listen to the podcast for any updates.
7) Rashard Mendenhall (Andre Ellington, Alfonso Smith, Stepfan Taylor) Last week was a friggin mess vs. the Seahawks. I would still use him in PPR flex and as a bye week stand in.
STANDARD ISSUE POLICE CUFFS – Ever sat on a curb while your car was searched? Been in the back of a cruiser piss drunk after getting this ridiculous haircut….in week 6? Get caught by Five-O while taking a leak behind a dumpster and were worried you would have to register as a sex offender for indecent exposure? Like the strength of those cuffs, these cuffs are worth owning or being heavily watched in 10 team and up leagues. These backs are in split situations, have fuzzy cuff potential, and are solid fill ins when the starter is out.
8) Alfred Morris (Roy Helu, Evan Roysteer) With Helu popping his head into relevance last week, we might see a PT Cruiser/Joique Bell thing getting started over here. I’d grab him and play him this week as a flex or a bye week filler. Another strong outing and we got us a fuzzy cuff.
9) Steven Ridley (Brandon Bolden, LeGarrette Blount, Shane Vereen) Vereen should be back in a couple weeks and is considered a stash by some, but not this guy. We play to win every week around here. I still like Bolden and would use him in deeper PPR and PPR bye week situations. The Bullichit is as confusing as bra hooks to a 12 year old boy.
10) Bilal Powell (Chris Ivory, Tommy Bohanon) Ivory pounded out 104 yards on 34 carries last week. I don’t really know what to make of this, is he the starter, is he not, is he, is he not? I say go pick a daisy and go with how that turns out.
11) David Wilson (Brandon Jacobs, Peyton Hillis, Da’Rell Scott) I’m waiting for the Giants to sign Mike Alstott next week to fill in for Wilson. I wonder why the Giants haven’t contacted the Lions about Mike Leshoure? Call me crazy, but a guy that averaged 3.7 YPC and scored 9TD’s last year could be better and less injury prone than this.
12) Doug Martin (Mike James, Brian Leonard) Martin is out and James is in. Not that impressed over here. Own him if you need him and don’t drop anything worthy to get him. Tamps sucks, I would rather watch this show than a Bucs game.
13) Steven Jackson (Jaquizz Rodgers, Jason Snelling) S-Jax returns this week and I will be watching this one to see how Atlanta handles this new line up. With Julio out for the year I could see them still utilizing Jaquizz. We’ll find out.
14) Knowshon Moreno (Ronnie Hillman, Montee Ball) The Broncos wasted high draft picks the last two seasons on back up RB’s. What the hell Broncos, next season let’s try to get a secondary.
15) Trent Richardson (Donald Brown, Daniel Herron) T Rich has been blah in Indy and Brown is creeping in on relevance. Watch this situation as the Colts need to make a change if T-Rich continues to disappoint. After the bye week I would start watching Colts games closely.
16) DeMarco Murray (Joseph Randle,Phillip Tanner,Lance Dunbar) Murray is back but I would hold Randle, if you have the room, just to be certain Murray is healthy. Knees can be a tricky thing
17) DeAngelo Williams (Mike Tolbert, Jonathan Stewart, Kenjon Barner) Tolbert got 11 touches and a TD on TNF….I still wouldn’t own him outside 12 team and deeper leagues and thats only as a bye week stand in.
18) Willis McGahee (Chris Ogbonnaya, Fozzie Whittaker) Ogbonnaya is the Browns version of Snelling and has been having some solid PPR weeks. If McGahee goes down I could see an Atlanta situation all over again.
19) LeSean McCoy (Bryce Brown, Chris Polk) Like I have said all year, Brown is an injury away from some RB1 shizz.
20) Ray Rice (Bernard Pierce, Shaun Draughn) with the Ravens on the bye it makes Pierce expendable for owners looking for a stand in. Only an injury to Rice can help him now
21) Chris Johnson (Shonn Greene, Jackie Battle) Bye week leads us nowhere here. I still think Greene gets a shot at double digit touches at some point
DUCT TAPE - Handcuffs of the homemade variety? Hey, you might be in a pinch and looking around your garage and you find man’s 2nd best tool, don’t make me explain our 1st. In the right instance they can be as secure as Tehol at a Victoria’s Secret model party or as volatile as Jaywrong trying to navigate the dating scene in the D.C. area. The thing with duct tape is you never know how it’s going to hold up, I’ve seen it last anywhere from a day to 10 years, you never know. These backs may be sexy but we’ll never know, back up studs, or are left for dead on really bad teams. Add at your own risk of never playing them.
22) Eddie Lacy (Johnathan Franklin, James Starks)
23) Darren McFadden (Rashad Jennings, Marcel Reece)
24) Zac Stacy (Daryl Richardson, Isaiah Pead, Benny Cunningham)
25) Lamar Miller (Daniel Thomas, Mike Gillislee, Marcus Thigpen)
26) Marshawn Lynch (Robert Turbin, Christine Michael)
27) Frank Gore (Kendall Hunter, LaMichael James, Anthony Dixon)
28) Matt Forte (Michael Bush, Michael Ford)
29) Maurice Jones Drew (Justin Forsett, Jordan Todman)
30) Jamaal Charles (Knile Davis, Cyrus Grey)
31) Le’Veon Bell (Felix Jones, Johnathan Dwyer)
32) Adrian Peterson (Toby Gerhart)
If you are feeling bored you could follow me on twitter …or not