Greetings all! It is I, Tehol Beddict, here to help you win your fantasy title. Unlike Beyonce faking a pregnancy or the rapper ‘Rick Ross’, everything I say and do is real. Yes, I told many of you to start Denario Alexander last week and he dropped a goose egg. OK, I have no answer for that. It won’t happen again…….I think not anyway. All I can do is write what these players should do agains the competition they face. Am I the one tackling Calvin Johnson at the 1 yard line on a weekly basis? Am I inside Josh Freeman’s pitiful mind, forcing him into disgraceful play? Negative on both counts. My chicken and I thank you for not verbally abusing me on the comment section, though if you decide to do so, I give you this warning: I am able to trace your comments and my chicken and I will come knocking on your door. He’s a vicious little cock. I’m lying. We will do no such thing. I’m pathetic actually. Small children laugh at me and if I did manage to track you down all that would happen is a emasculating beat down upon myself with my chicken more than likely ending up as your dinner. Forgive me, I’ve said too much. Or have I? I don’t even know anymore. Just read this please.
Brandon Lloyd– 10 receptions for 190 yards on 16 targets. “Look at the butt on that one. He must work out.” Oh yes, B. Lloyd looks like he’s been hitting that eliptical harder than a 45 year old soccer mom trying to sweat off those weed brownies she consumed, trying to eliminate some of the misery that comes along with having delinquent kids and a husband who would rather hit on the waitress at TGI Fridays then pay an ounce of attention to her. Harsh but true. I, Tehol Beddict, thought Lloyd would have a huge year. He has most certainly not, up until last week anyway. If he’s on your playoff roster I’m sure you’re not too upset about it. Try and temper your expectations a tad for Lloyd this week against the Jags though, as your best hope is for an early score, as it could be blowout city. Chad Henne is Jacksonville’s QB by the way. It could be 21-0 before the Pats even touch the rock. Get on your knees and pray.
Adrian Peterson– 24 carries for 212 yards and 1 td, o receptions for 0 yards. Well, it’s safe to say A.P. was the steal of most fantasy drafts, falling to the 3rd round in many a draft. Possibly breaking the rushing record less than a year off of major surgery? Amazing. If he goes for over 130 this week or scores more than 1 td this week I will shave my head and walk the streets in shame. What does that mean exactly? It means that I’m predicating a less than stellar performance against a nice Houston run defense, as I fully expect them to make Ponder beat them. I assume the Texans coaching staff isn’t at inept as the Rams people. He’s ranked number one again in every ranking I’ve witnessed, but not mine my friends. Not mine!
Doug Martin– 9 carries for 16 yards 3 receptions for 19 yards on 5 targets. Hey Doug, thanks for dropping 65 on my head against the Raiders then turning back into the gerbil I knew you truly were. Please crawl back up Richard Gere’s butt and stay there permanently. Take Josh Freeman with you.
Demaryius Thomas– 4 recpetions for 13 yards on 9 targets- longest was 5 yards? Hey bud, what happened? Like a porn star suffering from obesity, clogged blood vessels, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, diabetes, and alcohol abuse. In a word: LIMP! If you made it through the semi’s with him(I’m guessing you did not), then expect a big bounce back performance against the Browns this week. It’s the least he can do. Even my chicken hates him now and that’s one cock you don’t want angry. He will peck your eyes out. I’ve seen it!
Beanie Wells– 17 carries for 67 yards and 3 tds 0 catches for 0 yards. The bean man giveth and the bean man taketh away. Starting him against the Lions is one thing. Starting him against the Bears is quite another. Don’t get cute unless you have no other option.
DeMarco Murray– 14 carries for 81 yards with a td and 4 receptions for 31 yards on 4 targets- Murray is my favorite running back and shares a common last name with a fantasy legend I know extremely well. If you haven’t noticed, the Cowboys resurgence has come with Murray coming back from injury. The man has heart, and with heart comes many fantasy points, especially against a horrific saints run defense. Expect 25 minimum from this injury prone stallion.
Aaron Hernandez – 10 receptions for 92 yards for 1 td on 19 targets. 19 targets???? My God, I miss Gronk. Sweet, sweet Gronk. Hernandez is fantasy caviar without Gronkowski in his way, and oh how I love fish eggs. I fully expect Hernandez to score a TD this week. Be thankful for Gronk’s injury. I’m certainly not.
Wes Welker– 5 receptions for 56 yards on 9 targets. Is it just me or did little Welkie look like a peon against the San Francisco? Seriously, that performance was more of a let down than finding out John Travolta was gay. I’m sorry did I say “was gay”? I meant, John Travolta is gay. Pray to Allah for a bounce back performance against the pathetic Jags.
Michael Crabtree– 7 receptions for 107 yards with 2 tds on 12 targets. With my main man Kaepernick manning the QB position like a legend, Crabtree has emerged as a bonafide threat. Going against the Seahawks in Seattle this week should be a much tougher task but would I be shocked if Crabs ended up dancing in the end zone on Sunday Night Football? I would not be.
Stevan Ridley– 9 carries for 23 yards and 0 receptions on 2 targets. Ridley seems to be doing everything in his power to lose his job to a five foot two white dude, but I’m expecting a monster week. I may be biased since I own him in the ‘Razzball Writers League,” and I somehow made the finals despite that pathetic performance. Make sure you all show support for me winning the title as I could sure use the money. Wait, my assistant(my drug dealer) just informed me that there is no money involved. What kind of scam is this? Either way, I’m going to let you, the readers, decide who to start in my wr/rb slot this week: LeSean McCoy or Josh Gordon. Please don’t let me down or I will be forced to hunt you down and slaughter you like dogs, leaving your bodies to decompose in the gutter. Too much??
Thanks for reading ladies and gentlemen. As always, your questions will be answered promptly and with professional insight, as I do this for a living. True, I’m dead broke, but I’m rich in love. Sorry, that’s a lie. The only love I have is from my chicken and my dealer and that’s most likely related to the fact they are the real winners in me winning countless fantasy titles, while I’m left with the bed sheet I’m forced to wear as clothing. It will be fashionable one day, I’m sure of it. Good luck.