Greetings! Tis I, your servant, Tehol Beddict, here to talk some fantasy football and stimulate your minds. It seemed like Alshon Jeffery was untouched during the Bears losing effort against the Saints of New Orleans. I know what you’re thinking: ” Tehol, an attractive young man not being “touched” by a “Saint” is an oxymoron!” I know this to be true. I’ve dug oh so deep into the dark, crusty annals of our worlds history, and rarely have I read about a supposed “Saint” that wasn’t either a sexual deviant or just a disgracefully foul human being in general. If you doubt me, send your boys to Sunday school with no parental vision, just make sure they wear a wire. Does anyone even read my column? After this opening I’m guessing my readers just went from 2 to zero. Sky don’t edit this or I’ll show up at your front door with Bishop Eddie Long in tow, and you know what that means: A nice friendly game of “Butts Up.” Anyway, I know Jeffery didn’t follow up his record breaking performance this week with anything special, but the fact remains he is now heavily targeted and was missed on a few bombs last night against the Giants. This young bull has undoubtedly been blessed by the Elder God’s with immense size, talent, and stature. I can only imagine what he’s packin and I’m not speaking of weaponry. Although I suppose that could be considered weaponry as I’m sure it’s deadly when he uses it’s deep impact capabilities. Jeffery’s stat line from last week you want? Here it is: 10 receptions for 218 yards with a TD on 13 targets. Yea, he truly went Berzerk, and I’m not talking the horrific, embarrassingly bad, new Eminem song produced by that dirty old man, Rick Rubin. I’d start every week at the WR 3 spot or flex if I were you. But If I were you, then you’d be me, and you’d be betting oiled up with banana cream pudding with two female midgets licking it off for a hot new advertisement in Bangkok and telling me what to do with my fantasy roster. Again, nobody is really reading this far, right?
C.J. Spiller- 8 carries for 66 yards with a TD and 0 catches on 0 targets. Considering Spiller was my #2 overall player this season and he already cost me a win in the razzball writer’s league by putting up a goose egg earlier this year, I’m extremely disappointed in Spiller’s production thus far. Disgusted really. I mean, the guy should be a PPR legend and he didn’t have a single reception last week??! Disgraceful. I know he’ banged up, but still. COME ON MAN! Hopefully, for my sake and yours, he’s gotten enough time to heal on this long week and produces at a much higher level this week. I still expect him to turn it around and make it do what it do so don’t fret. Though you may be 1-4 because of his ineptness, greatness is around the bend.
Danny Amendola- 4 receptions for 55 yards on 9 targets. With Amendola and now Gronk back in action, I full expect the Patriots offense to improve by at least a TD per game. That means 13 points is attainable this week guys! The 9 targets was a beautiful start to Dola’s comeback and Gronk should take some pressure off him going forward. Double digit targets a game should be the norm and Thompkins’s value should take a downturn not even matched by Robert DeNiro’s film career. That’s right, I said it. I’ll never, ever regret it.
Jermaine Gresham- 4 receptions for 24 yards on 4 targets. Gresham’s career path reminds me a bit of Matthew Lillard’s. Starting off hot with Scream and Serial Mom, then entering into a deep state of mediocrity. f you own Gresham, you’re either related to him or just delusional.
Ryan Broyles- 2 receptions for 27 yards on 2 targets. Kanye West have one thing in common; We both believe we our geniuses. When I rolled out of bed 6 AM Hawaii time, I was shocked to see Calvin Johnson out of the lineup. I quickly swooped up Broyles and firmly inserted him into the gaping hole in my lineup left by the utterly inept Tavon Austin, fully expecting gratifying results. Green Bay’s porous defense combined with Detroit’s love of throwing just had to result in big numbers for Broyles, who was listed as a starter, right? RIGHT?!?!? Instead, Broyles performance was more pathetic than Kim Kardashian in her sex tape. An absolute disgrace. Never again. Guess my genius tag is on hold for now.
Eddie Lacy- 23 carries for 99 yards and 1 receptions for -2 yards on 1 target. The Packers now seem to have a viable running game and it’s about MF’n time. Easy-E doesn’t have Jonathan Franklin’s explosiveness but he’s going to come with the kind of consistency only your’s truly can bring forth. How else do you think I’ve built up this following of 3 readers, one of whom I told he could drop Pierre Thomas last week! I’m sorry FRANK!!!!!
A.J. Jenkins- 0 receptions on 1 target. I really like this trade for KC.
Chris Johnson- 10 carries for 17 yards and 4 catches for 63 yards with a TD on 5 targets. Wow, that rebuilt offensive line is truly paying dividends for the man formerly known as CJ2K. He saved total embarrassment by turning a broken play into a TD reception but things are not looking like they’re on the up and up. It won’t be any better this week at my Seattle Seahawks. You have been warned. Ka-kaaaaaaaaaaw.
Sidney Rice- 1 reception for 8 yards on 4 targets. I’d rather rest a a glass plate I just microwaved for 10 minutes on my freshly shaved sack then start Sidney at this point. Harvin’s eventual return should open things up downfield a bit but I’m still skeptical at this point. For the love of the God’s, this man makes 8.5 million dollars a year! DO SOMETHING! It would also help if the Seahawks O-line wasn’t in complete disarray. Woe is me.
T.Y. Hilton- 5 receptions for 140 yards with 2 TD’s on 6 targets. Finally! What do you know, I had Hilton on the bench for Thompkins in the razzball writers league. It’s not looking good for me there guys. Sacrifice a farm animal in my honor and pray for my reemergence! Thus far my decision making in that league has been on par with a yacked out Lindsay Lohan. I shame myself. Hilton is a threat to go house every time he touches the ball. Get him in there.
Justin Blackmon- 5 receptions for 136 yards with 1 TD on 9 targets. I recommended the Rams draft this hog in last year’s draft but they chose to trade down for Brockers and ignored my wise guidance. Maybe they are pleased with the travesty that is Tavon Austin. Dear Rams Executives, Blackmon is what a top 10 receiver is supposed to look like. You know, not five foot-three with no separation skills. I expect Blackmon to continue to rack up stats and having Henne in there is great for his value going forward. Your patience with his suspension has officially paid off. Kudos.
Jared Cook- 3 receptions for 26 yards on 3 targets. The hype is dead.
Mike Wallace- 7 receptions for 105 yards on 16 targets. 16 targets?! Wow, the Dolphins are really force feeding the dude with limper wrists than a 50 year old female porn star. Seriously, Wallace has some of the worst hands I’ve ever seen. The targets are nice to see. The results? Not so much.
Lamar Miller- 7 carries for 15 yards and 0 receptions on 0 targets. I liken Miami’s use of Miller to Razzball’s use of me, Tehol Beddict. Whereas I’m not on any of the podcasts nor starring in my own razzball sponsored reality show, Miller is getting an abysmal amount of carries and receptions. Like Capozzi’s inability to pick up blacked out chicks in Canada, it’s an absolute joke. You can witness Miller’s explosive capabilities every time he touches the rock but unfortunately those opportunities are few and far between. Maybe next year.
David Wilson- No I’m not going to mention his touchdown or his 2 backflips. What I am going to mention is that in my humble opinion, Wilson won’t play another down this year. Tingling in the neck you say? Yea, he’s done. Hopefully you were smarter than I and started Brandon Jacobs for this week’s matchup with the Bears. You are truly a legend if you did so. Wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiilssssoooooooooooooooooooon.
Bryce Brown- 5 carries for 11 yards and 1 reception for 6 yards on 2 targets. If you bought into Chip Kelly using multiple running backs this season, you should be greatly disappointed cuz it’s not happening. Feel free to drop if you need to make an add.
Reuben Randle- 6 receptions for 96 yards with 2 TD’s. Another inside look at the razzball writers league world for you: Whoever I played last week calmly inserted Randle into his lineup when Calvin didn’t suit up and I was rewarded with Randle’s c@ck slapped across my beautiful face. I truly can’t catch a break. I love Randle and expect big things the rest of this season and beyond as Hakeem Nicks will more than likely be let go in the offseason.
Andre Ellington- 7 carries for 52 yards and 4 receptions for 31 yards on 4 targets. Grab Ellington in PPR league as Mendenhall seems to have nothing left in the tank. Ellington should continue to be on the field quite a bit and has the ability to break one at any given time. If you’re desperate, do like I do with anal beads and stuff em in! Your lineup that is.
Terrance Williams- 4 receptions for 151 yards with 1 TD on 4 targets. Miles Austin is supposedly back, but we all know his hammy is about 3 plays from being strained again, so Williams still must be owned. Considering the Redskins secondary is about as porous and putrid as Paris Hilton’s Va jay-jay, he’s a definite WR3 this week, possibly a 2.
Knowshon Moreno- 19 carries for 93 yards with 1 TD and 5 receptions for 57 yards on 5 targets. Why is LeSean McCoy hating on my boy?! He needs to check himself before he wrecks himself for Moreno is a definite top 10 back at this point. Expect another TD this week against the pathetic Jags.
DeAndre Hopkins- 2 receptions for 23 yards on 4 targets. Man, Hopkins has sure lost some of that early season luster but that could just be a product of the disgusting QB play of Schaub. I’d probably hold, but not much longer.
Vernon Davis- 3 receptions for 88 yards with 1 TD. Sometimes receiving VD can be a good thing kids. Davis is without question the fastest tight end in the NFL and he’s scored in every game he’s suited up for. If only the Niners offense wasn’t so boring. Surely fantasy owners are pleased with his current production but I for one, like to reach for the stars, so hopefully they start feeding this freakish beast the rock with greater consistency. Do it for me Harbaugh. Do it for me.
Ryan Matthews- 3 carries for 8 yards and 0 carries on 0 targets. If you follow me on twitter then you know I use the hashtag, #Disgrace, with reckless abandon. My friends, Ryan Matthews is the absolute definition of this term. #DISGRACE
Denarius Moore- 5 receptions for 84 yards with 1 TD on 8 targets. Denarius is up to his old tricks again, looking like a very solid option going forward. Pryor has surpassed all expectations and has been able to get the ball down the field, with Moore and Streeter the main beneficiaries. Exciting times in Oakland. OK, not really, but Moore looks good.
Jeremy Kerley- 5 receptions for 68 yards with 1 TD on 6 targets. Someone has to get the rock, and the Jets are throwing a fair amount, so expect Kerley to keep putting up passable WR3 numbers. If you have someone on a bye or your roster is thinner than Blaine Gabbert’s Dic……, er, I mean, thinner than Grey’s mustache, feel free to insert Kerley and get a minimum of 6 points in that spot.
Julio Jones- Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
And there you have it. Another Beddict Banger for all 3 of my readers. As per usual your questions and comments will be responded to quickly and I’m not on any exotic vacations this weekend so I’m here for you and will be up until game time. Please follow me on Twitter at @TeholBeddict47 and chat with me there about all of life’s mysteries. It’s been fun.