Every so often, something so astounding occurs, that is changes the world forever. I was surfing ESPN today and I viewed a word that I’ve never witnessed on any sports site: Brothel. So it turns out that a semi-pro soccer team has turned to a few local whore houses for sponsorship and after digesting this article I came to one solid conclusion: It’s about damn time. If only I had thought about this during my flag football glory days at University of Arizona, or even now for Razzball. The fact that brothels are only legal in one small area of this great nation, makes that a tiny bit difficult to accomplish, but I believe it’s doable. Grey, if you’re reading this, please look into it immediately. The future is now. What goes together better than fantasy sports playing and paying for a someone to have sex with you? You could actually say the two go hand in hand. How did Soccer of all sports, beat us to the punch? I’m not a soccer fan whatsoever, but kudos to them for doing this. A year from now, we may have hooker house advertisements all over this site, and it will have been my greatest achievement in life. What an absolutely wondrous idea. This maneuver by the Greeks was almost as magnificent as Kevin Bacon getting the directors of Wild Things to get a full frontal shot of him near the end of the film. Uh, can you say career altering?
The Greeks came up with this gem of an idea and you want me to believe their country is in shambles? Sorry, I now love Greece. Another thing I cherish and love deeply is fantasy football, so with no further a due let’s get to some players and what they did last week and maybe get a little insight on what they may do for us in the future.
Miles Austin- 2 receptions for 31 yards on 5 targets. I remember it like it was yesterday. Picture this: It’s 4 am and your main man Tehol can’t sleep. Tossing and turning like Tom Arnold after a crack binge, my computer started calling out to me. I needed a wide receiver on a tough bye week for one of my stars. Nobody’s out there! Roy “I’m slow and can’t catch” Williams had just gone down with injury. His backup? Miles Austin. I heard a voice in my head saying, “Sweet sweet Tehol, if you start me, you shall birth one of the greatest fantasy stars of this generation. Needless to say, I listened and after 10 catches for 250 yards and 2 tubs, including the game winner(in real life and for myself in fantasy) in overtime, the rest is history. He was no longer just Miles Austin. He was “Sir” Miles Austin, a knighted member of fantasy football royalty. We had the same kind of connection that Tom Cruise and L. Ron Hubbard shared. He was my night in shining armor, a gorgeous man with exquisite talents on and off the field. He even let me watch while he gave Kim Kardashian the rodgering of her life(or did I just imagine that every night with a bottle of baby oil?). Things have changed………and not in a good way.
There is no way Austin can be at full health right now. Absolutely no way. His career has matched Obama’s in the sense they both started with a bang, both still have their jobs, and now they both just aren’t getting it done. Maybe it’s time to move on from the two of them, though I say “Sir” Miles(still hasn’t been stripped of his knighthood) has a better chance of retrieving his past glory. Check to see what you can get him for in a trade, as I think he will be back to normal after their bye week which is a little ways down the road.
Mike Williams- 4 receptions for 113 yards and 1 touchdown on 6 targets. Last year took JaMarcus Russell sized dump on his owners and now he’s trying to make it up to them. Wait, my bad. That’s probably wrong. You’d have to be smoking more rock than Emilio Estevez to draft Williams again after the pain he inflicted upon you last season. Avoiding sitting on the toilet after a friend or visitor with genital warts sits on it is pretty comparable to that situation. Invest in toilet seat covers my friends. Invest in Mike Williams and while you’re at it, feel free to invest in me, Tehol Beddict. Just hit me on here or twitter and we can come up with some figures. I was kidding about Emilio. I don’t think he smokes rock, but it’s funny to say right? Anyone? Just me? Allrighty then!
Brian Hartline- 0 receptions on 0 targets. I hate to say I told you so but………Actually I don’t believe I ever told anyone to not acquire him, just that he’s not that good, and if he’s any NFL team’s starting wideout, they aren’t winning the Super Bowl, or making the playoffs for that matter. The same can be said for your fantasy squad. Starting Hart because he was on the cover of ESPN’s fantasy section a couple weeks back is like voting for Obama because Jay-Z told you it was cool.
The man was going to come up this offseason harder than the “Beverly Hillbillies,” until he dropped this goose egg. Oh, I’m sure some team will grossly overpay for his services next year, most likely the Rams. It’s what we’ve always yearned for; Two starting caucasian wideouts with an underwhelming Sam Bradford throwing to them. I still say the Saint Louis should have drafted RG3 and traded Bradford, or maybe that’s just the chronic talking.
P.S. whatever happened to Erika Eleniak? I noticed her in the Hillbillies movie today and remember her from the greatest movie of all time, otherwise known as Under Siege. She gave me that good old fashion feeling…….where I’d do anything to bone her.
James Jones- 3 receptions for 33 yards and two touchdowns on 7 targets. The man they call Joooonesy, is touchdown predator, and he needs to be started weekly at this point. A touchdown predator is similar to a sexual predator other than the fact touchdown predators don’t molest young children or prey on innocent women. Oh, I guess they all aren’t “innocent” women but that’s besides the point.
Did you see this spectacular one handed grab last week? Yea, the man goes harder than Ron Jeremy at a sperm bank the day after Thanksgiving feast. I’ve been calling for more touches for Jones for the past 3 season and was distressed when Green Bay resigned him, as I wanted him to achieve #1 status elsewhere, instead of being buried on the depth chart. Greg Jennings’s injury has made my dreams come true by getting injured and now Jones is able to achieve what he’s capable of. Though he’s still not racking up the yards I desire, he seems to be Rodgers’s number one option inside the 20 at this point. Start proudly until Jennings returns, then hope for another injury, unless of course, you’re a Jennings owner. If that’s the case, I apologize. But it’s not sincere.
Redskins Wideouts- 11 receptions for 114 yards and 0 touchdowns. This would be a nice performance for Brian Hartline, NOT for an ENTIRE receiving core. Starting a Redskins wideout is going to make you feel uncomfortable, like watching the “rape scene” in The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo with your Mother(No I’m not posting the link).”Sooooo, uh Mom, the Meatloaf was excellent tonight.” The Frenchman I will refrain from naming has been one of the most frustrating story lines in fantasy this season, and I would recommend dropping him, just to rid yourself of the burn it makes you feel weekly. I’m not talking about your gonorrhea, though I’m sure that stings as well and if you own that disease and this Frenchman, well that just makes for a miserable life. See a doctor for one and follow my advice on the other. I’m a fantasy football doctor and “you know I’m surgical with this bitch.”
Brandon Gibson- 7 receptions for 91 yards on 9 targets. Mel Gibson’s distant cousin Brandon finally stepped out of the fantasy morgue and delivered something worth our attention other than his physique in the locker room, which I’ve heard is fantastic. With “I done told ya about Amendola” having his yearly major injury, some Rams wideout will be force fed the pigskin, and Gibson looks like the optimum man for the job. Givens, who I discussed in great detail last week, caught another bomb and has more upside but doesn’t offer the same consistency. Just make certain to drop Gibson when Amendola returns to the lineup or you will crash and burn like Josh Hartnett’s career. RIP.
Vick Ballard- 8 carries for 25 yards and 2 receptions for 17 yards on 3 targets. I like the look of “Vick da Brick” Ballard and see some serious potential in the young man, but the Jets wouldn’t allow him much room to run. That or the fact the Colts, who were many a gambler’s upset choice this past week, stunk it up worse than Roseanne after an 18 piece of extra crispy KFC. Speaking of KFC, whatever happened to the “Honey Barbecue” flavor? I want answers dammit. Anyway, my point is that I like Ballard, and I hate Donald Brown. Not as people of course as I’m sure DB is a nice guy and all, but his fantasy football career has been almost like “Mr. Belding’s” acting career since Saved By the Bell; Nonexistent. Here’s to hoping he never comes back and Ballard develops into Luck’s workhorse. Feel confident starting Ballard this week against Cleveland. He can’t not score………..right?
William Powell- 13 carries for 70 yards and 1 reception for 8 yards on 1 target. I’m gonna come right out and say: I like this guy a whole lot. He’s got the swagger of a young Clayton Bigsby and LSH(That’s Larod Stephens Howling to the layperson) is a man with no business running between the tackles. Powell will be decent going forward, but remember the division Arizona plays in as well as the rest of their schedule. They will be going head to head with some of the toughest run defenses in football so hopefully, for your sake, you can stash Powell until he has a moist matchup that’s for the taking. Hey, maybe he’ll shock us all with a monster performance agains a stout Vikings run defense but I doubt it. Just don’t dismiss this man from your mind as he owns a yeoman’s work ethic , and never, never ever, ever ever, forget the great Clayton Bigsby.
Ryan Mathews- 22 carries for 74 yards and 4 receptions for 19 yards on 5 targets. Is Norv Turner the worst coach in the NFL? Probably in the bottom five for sure. That’s not the shocking thing. What’s really mind jolting is the fact that he’s had 3 head coaching jobs and has managed to cling to his most recent gig with the Chargers for so incredibly long, despite his flaccid performances in almost every season on the job. On the other hand, Romeo Crennel, makes Norv seem like Steven Hawking in the intelligence department.
What does this have to do with Mathews? Besides the fact that he was benched in favor of Jackie Battle for a couple games, and hasn’t been able to live up to his potential because he plays for a horrible coach? Absolutely nothing. The talent is obvious and Mathews should be a top five back in this league but San Diego just keeps struggling with their play calling, and just football in general. It huuuuuurts.
Shonn Greene- 32 carries for 161 yards for 3 touchdowns and 0 catches on 0 targets. Here’s the man I loved, whom destroyed the aforementioned Chargers on the Jet’s playoff run a couple years back. Oh wait, what? It was against the Colts? You mean the team with no more than two players I can name on defense? If he plays balls to the wall against the Pat’s on Sunday I’m back in on this brute. Injuries to the only other two RB’s on the roster, mean that Greene will be once again carrying a huge load. Is he up to the task? Probably not, but hey, if you’re desperate stick him in there and enjoy that “ground and pound” Jets offense.
That was fun. Once again, feel free to ask my any questions on here or on twitter and I promise to respond within a few hours. Unless, that is, I’m at a brothel.