F#ck if your favorite writer dies, to me that’s my spot. I’ll celebrate his burial and eat at Ihop. Greetings ya’ll! Tis I, Tehol Beddict, Razzball’s resident mankini model and fantasy savant. Just because I get paid to flex my toned glutes, doesn’t in any way mean I can’t guide you to glory on the fantasy football field. It’s understandable that one would think there’s no way I could find the time to analyze each and every player in the NFL due to the fact I spend 6 hours a day doing Bobby Brown pushups and another 4 flexing in the mirror, but it is so. Having spare wenches around to massage my ass with warm milk while I watch game film is a major plus and without those Beddict groupies I’d be useless. We are now in crunch time and there is no time to waste my friends. I can only write about my bronzed buns for so long. Once your erection finally withers away move on to some in depth playa talk. Take heed!
Ben Tate – 14 carries for 53 yards and 2 receptions for 3 yards on 4 targets. Frankly speaking, I despise Thursday games. My players always perform like me in the sack without 100cc’s of Cialis shot into my bloodstream. Tate was no exception, putting up his second flaccid performance agains the pathetic Jaguars. I’ve been having nightmares of Paul Posluszny ever since, waking up in cold sweats. I suppose that could be the yayo withdrawals but who knows. Once again, Tate has a beautiful matchup and I for one am almost forced to start him here. Let us pray to the Elder Gods that the Texans don’t just play dead this week against the 29nth ranked run defense. I’m concerned, as should you be.
Jordan Todman – 7 carries for 14 yards and 1 reception for 21 yards with a TD on 2 targets. If MJD misses this one, Beddict say the Tod-Man goes on the kind of bender that would make Lamar Odom put his head down in shame. 100 plus yards with a TD. lock it up.
Da’Rick Rogers – 6 receptions for 107 yards with 2 TDs on 9 targets. I can Dara-Rick my own balls thank you very much. Only twice have I seen something explode at this level: The first instance was when I was hang-gliding with strippers at Mount Vesuvius, the second was Peter North in May,1994. Is it risky to start Rogers in the semi or quarter finals of the fantasy playoffs? Sure, but the payoff could be more than a mouthful.
Jordy Nelson – 4 receptions for 85 yards on 4 targets. Ahhh, the end zone continues to evade the white panther like pretty does Oprah. Aaron Rodgers continues to play with our emotions and it’s possible he plays this week. The Cowboys secondary is so pathetic that it’s quite possible the white one hits pay dirt but I’d say the odds are less than 40 percent. Still, start him if you got him.
Jordan Cameron – 9 receptions for 129 yards with 1 TD on 9 targets. I’d like to start by apologizing to the reader I told to start Jared Cook over Cameron. Luckily another reader said Cameron was clearly the better choice and I pray the first reader went with him. I feel like an utter fool and if I cost you the win I will literally bend over backwards to make it up to you. You lost money? I’ll pay for it. You were embarrassed by your friend and have to hear about it for the rest of your life? Guru and I will beat the life out of him. Jared Cook??? What was I thinking?!? Cam-dog is back to elite status.
Shane Vereen – 3 carries for 9 yards with 1 TD and 12 receptions for 153 yards on 17 targets. As we all know Gronk is done, and many of you are more than likely still shedding tears of agony over it. Hopefully a healthy portion of you own Vareen as well. YOU SEE THIS CHICKEN DINNER!?! I spelled his name right this week. Maybe this week you can point out a comma I missed or something before you go back to reading self help books and watching tranny porn. I love me some Vareen and I see no possible way he doesn’t eclipse 100 total yards this week with a high probability of TD tacked on. This dude is hotter than when Grey and I chinese finger trapped this Razzball groupie in a sauna back in 2011. Pop the molly I’m sweatin.
Rod Streater – 7 receptions for 130 yards with 1 TD on 10 targets. Rod is a great porn star name, but is he a decent fantasy football option? Probably not this week, though 70 yards should be doable. Only if desperate. Like Nick Capozzi going to a 98 Degrees concert to pick up chicks type desperate.
Kellen Winslow – 3 receptions for 61 yards on 6 targets. Heeeeeeee’s back! No, not really.
LeSean McCoy – 29 carries for 217 yards with 2 TDs and 1 reception for 4 yards on 1 target. Who says brothas don’t like the snow? McCoy silenced his doubters and carried his team and possibly yours to victory against the Lions last weekend. Fascinating man.
Daniel Thomas – 16 carries for 105 yards with 1 TD and 1 reception for 4 yards on 1 target. Unfortunately, Thomas had his best game of the season when nobody even expected him to play. One might be inclined to start him this week against a charmin soft Patriots run defense but Lamar Miller has passed his concussion tests and will be splitting carries. The chance of a short TD or two is always there but so is the chance of a complete brick. Stay away.
C.J. Spiller – 11 carries for 22 yards and 1 reception for 26 yards on 1 target. The heartache continues for Spiller owners as he had an 80 plus yard TD on a screen pass called back and did nothing else the entire day. If you weren’t eliminated, you’re in luck as Spiller finishes the season against a couple peonic defenses and I solemnly swear he breaks 20 points in all remaining games. Thats from the Elder Gods to my ears so please take heed. Witness!
Bobby Rainey – 22 carries for 127 yards with 1 TD and 3 receptions for -4 yards on 4 targets. I mentioned a reader I let down earlier but in the case of Rainey I may have possibly saved a man’s season. He was faced with the predicament of choosing either Gore, Rainey or another hog I can’t remember and I told him Rainey no question. His first carry of the game was an 80 yard TD and the rest is history. Beddict history. This week is another story completely. He won’t break the 7 point thresh hold.
Dwayne Bowe – 4 receptions for 70 yards with 1 TD on 5 targets. Superman that Boooooooowe! Daaawayne is coming on at the opportune time for those of you that own this mystifying specimen. His talents are wasted in this offense but Bowe has some nice match ups and it seems fat Andy is making it a priority to get him the rock. I’m a fan and I say he gets one this week.
Pierre Garçon – 5 receptions for 37 yards on 12 targets. Thank the Gods for blessing us with red faced Mike Shannahan, for he has finally benched the disgrace that is RGme. Cousins is going to ball my friends. Hopefully with the inept Griffin on the sidelines Garçon will be allowed to run routes that aren’t 3 yards behind the line of scrimmage. The man is second in the NFL in targets for the love of the Gods!!! He repays us all for the past 4 horrific weeks.
Cordarrelle Patterson – 5 receptions for 141 yards with 1 TD on 7 targets. Sky, you better check the spelling big dog. That was a tough one bud. Patterson has shown the ability to drop bombs like Hiroshima and the Eagles defense isn’t exactly the lockdown type. With the Vikings’s season over, I expect them to force feed Patterson to find out what they have in this alpha-dog. Reap the benefits.
Torrey Smith – 1 reception for 11 yards on 5 targets. After Alshon torched the Vikes for over 2 bills and a couple tubs, I fully expected Torrey to catch at least one deep ball. Yes, I know it was snowing. No, I don’t care. Smith has fallen far below my expectations this season and it’s really making me physically ill. It truly makes no sense that a man blessed with this talent and cheetah like speed isn’t dominating. This is the week he explodes. It has to be.
Jacob Tamme – 4 receptions for 47 yards on 5 targets. Tamme will replace Welker in the slot this week against the pathetic pass defense of the Chargers………..AHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
Hakeem Nicks – 5 receptions for 135 yards on 7 targets. Nicks was thought to be dead inside as this kind of performance was deemed impossible by his many critics. Glad to see his heart still beats for his fantasy riders as the Giants season is over.
Ryan Mathews – 29 carries for 103 yards with 1 TD and 3 receptions 32 yards on 4 targets. Are we seeing the birth of a fantasy legend? Or are we seeing a nice ending to a season, causing Mathews to be drafted in the second round next season only to get injured in week 2? Oh, and I drafted Daryl Richardson over Mathews in the Razzball writers league this year……………….Ummmmmmmmmmm. FMITA. Start Mathews this week against Denver with extreme confidence. He’s going to have a big game against Denver….
Zac Stacy – 14 carries for 25 yards with 1 TD and 3 receptions for -3 yards on 4 targets. Stacearella has fallen on hard times. Ankles, concussions and pork rinds have pushed his season into a downward spiral. Matchups are to blame for the most part though, and he gets the Saints at home this weekend. The upside is obviously huge if the Rams can stay in the game and not be down 28-3 by the end of the first quarter. If that’s the case, you’re done.
Michael Floyd – 2 receptions for 26 yards on 5 targets. It’s a good thing Floyd got red hot right before the playoffs only to disappear like a fart in the wind come playoff time. Disgraceful. Truly disgraceful.
Michael Crabtree – 4 receptions for 40 yards on 8 targets. Crabby looks good ya’ll. Much better than I thought he would coming off the achilles tear. I suggest waiting until next week’s moist matchup with the Falcons to start him though. But hey, what do I know?
Zach Miller – 1 reception for 13 yards on 3 targets. The 10 million dollar man strikes again!
Jimmy Graham – 6 receptions for 58 yards with 2 TDs on 11 targets. If for some reason you still weren’t convinced, Jimmy’s foot is not a concern whatsoever at this point. I have never been so wrong about someone in my life. Well, I suppose there was that one time I thought I met my soulmate in Tibet and she turned out to be a prostitute…..and a man. I can’t get over trading this Herculean savage for Arian Foster. It huuuuuuuurts. It hurts so bad.
Alshon Jeffery – 5 receptions for 84 yards with 1 TD on 9 targets. To put it simply, Jeffery is a top 5 fantasy WR option every week from now on. His ball skills rival Alexis Texas and I’m slapping myself for not drafting him in any leagues this season. Truly a joy to watch.
Dez Bryant – 2 receptions for 12 yards with 1 TD on 4 targets. What the hell is going on here? Dezzzy was supposed to be the 1 or 2 WR in fantasy this season. What he’s been, is a joke. His limp productions sickens me and only a 200 yard plus performance will get him off of my Shizz list. There’s a good chance it happens.
Thank you all for taking the time to read my memoirs here on Razzball and please don’t forget to follow me at @TeholBeddict47 on twitter. Reaching me on game day may be an issue, as I will be pounding red-bulls with Grey and Sky at the Playboy Mansion. There will be a smorgasbord of hot women and fantasy geeks making it quite possibly, the most awkward party in playboy mansion history. Wish me luck in trying to take down a playmate for I’ve only managed to bag a few of those chicks were in the 2001 college special. Good luck to you all this week in your quest for a title. We shall overcome.