Does anyone remember those obnoxious “Big Johson” shirts? You know, the ones that featured classic slogans like “Close your eyes and stick it in,” “Rode em! Rammed em! Wrecked em!” and my personal favorite “Cocked, pumped, and ready to blow.” I assumed incorrectly that they halted production, and was rocked hard when I witnessed their website showing many new designs and a partnership with legendary weirdo, Ted Nugent. Make sure you click on that link. WOW! Anyway, my point was that once upon a time, these “Big Johnson” shirts were kind of popular. Usually worn by unattractive or creepy dudes, these shirts were not the chick magnets a young Tehol thought they would be. I always desired ownership of a big johnson, a shirt that is, but I lacked the conviction and loudmouth personality to pull it off. Is now the time? Can I pull this off ? Maybe razzball should partner with the makers of “Big Johnson” t-shirts and both rise to towering heights of popularity. By the way, the inch minimum for owning one of these priceless possessions, is 3 inches. That makes me borderline, but I’m still going to rock it. I bet Calvin Johnson quadruples the minimum. Megatron is MegaHung. Please leave your thoughts below. Check back in next week……WHOOPS! I thought this was my weekly blog for “Bi-Dudes Weekly.” My mistake. Well I’m not going to write a whole other intro so let’s jump balls deep into some football.
Calvin Johnson- 12 receptions for 207 yards and a TD on 13 targets. MegaDong is back my friends and is letting his thang swang on the haters, doubters, and disbelievers. Yes, he fumbled. Yes, he was tackled on the one yard line for the five thousandth time. Yes, he’s been taking more shots to the face than Kelly Divine. Even with those inhibitors, Calvin put on a stallion-like performance and gives hope to owners everywhere. Wait, you didn’t trade him did you??! Shame on you if you did. Kudos to you if you traded for him. Double Kudos. Just sit back and let the good times roll as Calvin retakes his rightful spot on the throne, as the king of fantasy wideouts. All hail the King.
Kevin Walter- 2 receptions for 30 yards on 3 targets. The only reason this fantasy peon is even receiving mention in this article, is not because of his minuscule productivity this season. Were we expecting anything different? I bring this up because I’m wondering how the Houston Texans are expecting to go on a Super Bowl run with this peasant of a receiver at the 2 spot. I truly believe they will not win it all this year, and not having receiving weapons is the main reason why. To have nobody opposite Andre Johnson(who looks like a shell of his former self by the way) who is threatening in any way whatsoever, is a damn shame for this franchise on the rise. Starting Walter is not even an option when your top 2 wideouts are injured or on bye weeks. The guy makes Hartline look like Steve Largent is his prime. Yes, I used Steve Largent because they’re all white guys. Moving on.
Hakeem Nicks- 9 receptions for 75 yards on 14 targets. The Giants had their backs blown out by the Bengals last week, but on the bright side, Nicks showed signs of life. It’s been another frustrating season for Nicks owners, and maybe, just maybe, drafting him will pay off as we hit the home stretch towards the playoffs. When not dealing with injuries, Nicks is one of the most electrifying wideouts in all of football, as you saw in last season’s playoffs. As one of my favorite “Big Johnson” slogans reads ” Football is a game of inches. Some of us are born with an advantage.” Nicks was born with an advantage. No, I’m not talking him about being born with a huge wang, though that’s highly probable. Nicks is just really good. Close, your eyes, stick him in, and hope for the best guys.
Jonathan Baldwin- 1 reception for 11 yards on 3 targets. Why do I always feel the need to include Baldwin in my weekly print? The guy is a fantasy nobody and I’d be shocked if casual fans even knew who this man was. Can I be Frank? I’m still Tehol, but this guy is a disgrace to the game. A gifted athlete, with this much speed, length, and girth should be punishing the opposition as if it were Asa Akira in front of him, grabbing her ankles. Alas, his number are more micropenis than big Johnson. Maybe Baldwin just doesn’t have what it takes to be a star in this league. Or maybe Matt Cassel is one of the worst starting quarterbacks of all time, which I said long ago, even when he was putting up those ridiculous numbers. I don’t care if his locker room name is “Moose” based on “big Johnson.” Guys, this is a prime example of how size isn’t everything in life. Oh wait, Cassel went from not starting a game since high school, to getting a 40 million dollar contract, and has banged out countless D-list celebs? I guess size does help. FML.
If you didn’t catch my drift, don’t start Baldwin.
Danario Alexander- 5 receptions for 134 yards and 1 td on 7 targets. If you recall a few years back, Alexander was on the Rams, and was explosive with freakish potential. The problem you ask? Injuries. The man simply can’t stay healthy as Alexander had had every kind of injury imaginable. These numbers show what he is capable of when starting. Oh wait, it was against the Buck secondary? Ummmmm, maybe give it another week, but if you’re feeling froggy and want some upside, start him. If I’m right about him, Alexander should be feasting on opposing db’s like Anna Nicole Smith(RIP) on Thanksgiving. Speaking of ANS, is that creepy lawyer of hers, really be charged with something relating to her death? That behemoth made Chris Farley’s drug habit look small. She wanted to die and they’re gonna blame poor Howard? God she used to be hot! WHY GOD? WHY? Next thing you know, Pamela Anderson will be 400 pounds snorting OC’s off Tommy Lee’s ball sack. My dream women from childhood all going down in flames.
Reggie Bush- 4 rushes for 21 yards and 1 reception for 8 yards on 2 targets. Did I mention he fumbled? Did I mention this performance was against an atrocious Titans defense? Did I mention the former love of his life, has been the village bicycle of the entertainment world? Seriously, what professional athlete or entertainer hasn’t smashed that yet? Am I the only one who fantasizes about getting it on with Momma Jenner while Bruce watches, wearing all his gold medals, and nothing else? Love his earrings by the way.
Bush is still a must start at this point, but is not even close to living up to expectations for this season. Hmmm, Bush falling short of expectations? What’s new?
Chris Ivory- 7 rushes for 72 yards yards and a td on 7 carries and 1 reception for 13 yards on 1 target. Tell me you witnessed that td run last week? My God this man is a beast in every sense of the word. Well I don’t know if he devours raw flesh or lifts his leg when he pees but Ivory cannot be human. This makes me think of why Ivory only received 7 carries. Is it just me, or does he not look substantially better than Ingram or Pierre Thomas? Maybe I’m getting something misconstrued. Maybe Uncle Tehol is losing his vision for discovering all-pro talent. I mean, Ivory looks bigger, stronger, and faster than either of the other 2 running backs and the Saints didn’t even have this man/beast active until Sproles was injured? If I was the gm of another franchise I’d seriously look into trading for this guy. He’s like Alfred Morris on steroids and mass doses of adderal. Feed the beast.
Marcel Reece- 13 carries for 48 yards and 7 receptions for 56 yards on 9 targets. Ok, so it seems as if Taiwan Jones is nowhere near ready to receive garbage time carries in Oakland, let alone start for them in DMC’s absence. Instead the Raiders have turned to the University of Washington product Reece, who is technically the fullback. He’ always been an excellent receiver out of the backfield, and now he will get to showcase his running ability a little bit. If you’re in a crunch, go ahead and pop him in your lineup this week. I actually may have to follow my own advice this week which is rare. God I hate doing that.
C.J. Spiller- 9 carries for 70 yards and 4 receptions for 61 yards on 4 targets. How does a man with such explosive tendencies only touch the rock 13 times in a game, in a shootout with the New England Patriots no less. First off they got rid of Marshawn Lynch so they could draft a backup running back number 9 overall a few years back that they refuse to turn the offense over to, and Lynch has now established himself as a top 5 back. I truly don’t understand anything that the Bills do. Hey Gailey, could you please dial up some plays for Spiller? This week, Jackson looks to be injured so all the touches will be going to Spills. Get ready for some video game numbers.
Tony Gonzalez- 11 receptions for 122 yards for 2 td’s on 15 targets. Why draft a tight end early, when Tony “Big Johnson” Gonzalez is available much, much later? This ageless wonder continues to amaze and I see no reason for it to stop as the Falcons will continue to throw early, and often. The ground game has come to a screeching halt thanks to Michael Turner looking like Larry Holmes all flabby and sick. Triple kudos to you if you drafted Tony G in your fantasy draft. A triple Kudos is a really big deal.
Please send me your best “Big Johnson” Slogan ideas as I want to pitch some things to their website. Don’t worry I will make sure you get every cent of your cut. Also remember, that fantasy questions will be answered in a few hours max and that I am here for you at all times. May peace be with you.