Is there anything better then NFL football? Well, maybe NFL football with NFL referees, but hey, it’s not stopping me from watching. How has this sport not caught on worldwide? Truly befuddling. But who cares about any other countries? This is America baby. We don’t do Royal families (though the Kardashians are close). We don’t do soccer(ok some do, but I certainly don’t), and we most certainly don’t do this. Ok, so at one point America was brainwashed by these Canadians, but that time has long passed. What we do do, are awesome things like Cream cheese hot dogs, use ice cubes, and watch and play football, the greatest sport there ever was. Is there such a thing as fantasy soccer? If there is, I praise Jesus that I’m not involved.
I will admit, that most if not all the advice I gave in the comment section turned out to be atrocious, but everyone deserves a second chance. I, Tehol Beddict, pledge to never fail you again, promising to serve you to the best of my ability in all things fantasy and in life. Brothers and sisters unite, and follow me to glory. Make the non-razzball reading peasants bow down to your supremacy. Titles are out there for the taking. Bragging rights and in some cases, towering amounts of cash are there to be had. Let no man or woman forget how menacing we(razzball subscribers) are! We are lions! Immortality: Take it! It’s yours!
That was fun. Now, let’s take a gander at some Jean Claude Van-Dammish hard targets (what ever happened to this dude who used to do the voice on all the film trailers? He is missed), as I try and point out some trends for the weeks to come.
Brian Hartline – 9 catches for 111 yards on 12 targets. B-Hart had an easier time getting first downs on 3rd and nine, than R. Kelly finding teenage girls to pee on from Myspace. Seriously, what percentage of the of the female population has at least one time, been urinated upon, by this lyrical genius? My guess is somewhere between 8-12 percent. Can you blame them? The man is legendary. Kellz should bottle his urine and sell it worldwide. Probably enough THC and Cristal to keep you loaded for a week.
Enough about the father of R&B. Let’s talk about Hartline. It was funny, because before the game I was talking to my friend D-Rich, and letting him know that Hartline was going to end my betting season, as I bet three hundred buckaroos on the Raiders. Only, I was joking. I’ve made fun of this guy for years and have no clue how he’s a starting wideout in the NFL. Oh wait, yes I do. It’s because the Dolphins are the most talentless bunch of scrubs in football. Well, now it seems the joke is on me, and my lock of the week cost me my rent money, and I’m not writing this from my cousin’s garage, stealing an internet signal from the neighbors. To be honest, it’s not my cousin, it’s just some chronic relapser, running a meth lab I met in A.A.
Most of Hartline’s production came on simple 10 yard out routes, but to be fair he made a couple of impressive catches. I’ve never seen such terrible defense by a defensive back in all my years, but Hartline could still easily be started in your fantasy lineups when you have some guys on bye weeks or injury problems. He should continue to receive a minimum of 7-8 targets a game, and maybe, just maybe, this great white hope will come through for you………God, I hate this guy.
Chris Johnson – 8 carries for 17 yards and 3 targets for 11 yards receiving. Bust city, bust, bust city trick! The epic downfall of this once prolific running back continues. I’d rather have my testicles waxed at a nail salon then own this disgrace. Johnson’s descent falls somewhere between that of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes proportions. There are whispers saying that CJ-no fantasy play could possibly be replaced in the lineup by the tremendous Javon Ringer. This is like Larry Johnson all over again. I suppose you have to start him if he is on your roster, depending one who your backups are, but it might be smart to see what you can get for him at this point. What’s next for CJ? Most likely, a positive drug test, and I’m not speaking of the performance enhancing type.
Danny Amendola – 15 catches for 160 yards, 1 touchdown on 16 targets. First off, I’d like to thank Sky for starting this spunky little guy against me, as it gave me the idea to pick him up in another league to replace Garcon. Secondly I’d like to say that starting Amendola was the difference in me winning my matchup last week. Sadly I can’t say the same for Sky as I moved to 2-0 in the Razzball writers league.
Dola has been a semi-hot fantasy name for years and it all comes down to him staying healthy. As you can see, when the man is going at full throttle, he is Bradford’s favorite target. After an early fumble, Bradford immediately came back to him and did not stop until the game was won. If you happened to pick him up last week, kudos to you, as Amendola burst onto the fantasy scene like Mickey Rourke in The Pope Of Greenwich Village. Hey Mickey, don’t let anyone tell you that your plastic surgeries have ruined your rugged good looks. You look great bud………………yikes. P.S. Daryl Hannah was in that movie. Where the hell is she at? Anyone with a clue please email me at [email protected]
Darren McFadden – 11 carries for 22 yards and 2 catches for 19 yards on 7 targets. Having D-mac as your starting tailback and not letting him tote the pigskin, is like having Danny Almonte on your little league team and not allowing him to pitch. When you take into account the fact that McFadden is not of an illegal age to play running back in the NFL, it’s even more mind boggling.
So the Raiders are in a close battle for the first half and a quarter of this football game, and McFadden is not even being given the chance to break a long run? Coach Allen would rather let the man formerly known as Carson Palmer, throw askew all afternoon? Did I mention I bet 300 dollars on the Raiders? And that I’m now writing in a meth lab?
On a high note, McFadden received 7 targets in the passing game and will be continually used in this manner. Hopefully, for your sake, if your betting on the Raiders, he doesn’t take a ball off his chest plate, that he easily would have scored on. Whyyyyyyyyyyyy???????
Malcolm Floyd – 6 catches for 109 on 8 targets. Just as Bill Gates has separated himself from the rest of the pack of the billionaire’s club, Floyd has separated himself from the rest of the Chargers wideouts. Then again, Gates has been on top of that list for years, but then again Floyd has flashed talent for years. It’s just about him staying healthy. As of now, this big speedster should be a must start in all leagues. Robert Meachem continues to disappoint and I would avoid at all cause unless desperate. A TD or two next week would not surprise me. Then again I thought there was no way the Raiders would lose last week. Did I mention I lost my life savings on them?
Larry Fitzgerald – 1 catch for 4 yards on 5 targets. When I saw these disgusting statistics, I was sure that Fitz must have been injured in the first 5 minutes of the game. It turns out that 1) The Cardinals offense is gross and 2) that opposing defenses are throwing everything they have at this Pitt product. Obviously, it’s virtually impossible to keep a man with this testicular fortitude down forever, and he proved last season he could still put up big numbers without an AFL caliber starting QB on his team. Expect a bounce back week, but you can’t be feeling to hot about about drafting this guy in the second round right now. Until further notice, bench him for Andre Roberts. Undoubtedly, that was a joke.
Brent Celek – 8 catches for 157 on 11 targets. What a splendid sight it was to see my personal friend have a big day. If you’ve forgotten, I interviewed Celly-Cell, live and in color, before the season started for a DirecTV product push. Well, technically Celek wasn’t pictured, as he couldn’t get the sound to work, so he had to call in by phone. That certainly doesn’t take anything away from our relationship though.
With both of Philly’s starting receivers banged up, Celek got a major boost in targets. He most surely did not disappoint. There is a chance that Maclin doesn’t play at all this week so there is a high probability of continued excellence, especially agains a tough cardinals pass defense. Gronk got his in against them. Look for Celek to do the same. Brent if you’re reading this, Call me! Let’s do Red Lobster.
Fred Davis – 2 catches for 14 yards on 5 targets. “Right Said Fred” has been one of biggest letdowns in fantasy this season. The thought of him being a bailout for RG3 was music to my ears and I expected a huge season. A top 5 tight end season even. Two flaccid performances and a possible concussion have me looking for other options. Is Chris Cooley available? I’ve apparently misread what I expected Shanahan to do this season(shocking, I know), as they seem content on trying to get the ball to no-name receivers instead of force feeding this proven horse. In dealing with any Redskins players, minus RG3 of course, you must be like a midget at a urinal. Stay on your toes.
I hope the editor has caught any grammatical errors this week that I may have made as I am an artist, not an editor. The criticism from one reader last week, regarding my use of then instead of than and a your instead of a you’re hurt me deeply, and right now I just can’t take anymore pain. His criticism and the Raiders bankrupting me financially and emotionally have put me in a dark place. Literally. I could really use a friend right now.. Celek, hit me up bud! It will be just like old times, just without the annoying Andrew Siciliano.
Until next week. I’ll be back…..Hopefully.