So, last week I promised a 90210 flavored post. My female readers have gone as far as to offer me fellatio to get this done and trust me, I’m working on it. Then again, offers such as fellatio, sometimes aren’t’ enough. Just look at Josh Hartnett for instance: His agent has been offering to suck off everyone and their Dad in Hollywood to get Josh a job, and obviously it hasn’t been a success. The getting a job thing that is. I’m not sure if any producers actually allowed Josh’s agent to Lewinski them or not. The point of this you ask? Only that when I promised the aforementioned 90210 post last week, I didn’t realize it was Halloween this week. Shame on me. It’s only right that I do a scary movie character/football player hard target analysis instead. I refuse to compromise my writing, even when offered a “rusty trombone,” so we are sticking with Halloween-ish scary movie characters. Let’s get on with it as I have a long night of egging houses and smashing pumpkins ahead of me.
P.S. Have you ever cut a hole in a pumpkin and made love to it before de-seeding it? Me either.
Denarius Moore/Cujo- 5 receptions for 96 yards and 1 TD on 8 targets. Both Cujo and Denarius share the characteristic of owning an insatiable appetite for being the best there is at what they do. Moore honestly believes he is on his way to being one of the greatest wideouts in the NFL and when it comes to slaughtering human beings, it doesn’t get much better than the Cuj-ster.
Moore is a must start each and every single week and should feast uncontrollably on a weak schedule. Cujo would be so proud.
Antonio Brown/Bride of Frankenstein- 4 receptions for 38 yards on 6 targets. Both are built like males physically, and both share female characteristics. Antoniette Brown continues to put up feminine numbers on a weekly basis and I for one, am sick of it. I vaguely recall seeing a highlight for a td on a punt return from Brown last week, but in the highlight they failed to mention that it was called back. Thanks for getting up my hopes ESPN! I’m know I’m being a little harsh on her, but Brown needs to step up. I wouldn’t trade her, nor would I bench her. Just plug her in your lineup and hope for the best. On a side note, the “Bride of Frank” was pretty hot.
Jason Witten/Jason Voorhees-18 receptions for 167 yards on 22 targets. One minute you think the man is dead and gone, the next he is bludgeoning his opponent. Witten and Voorhees. Vorhees and Witten. Witten is Vorhees! I had sex with a serial killer??!!! These men truly share many an attribute, including well monitored physiques, rapist wits, mass encounters with topless women, and are both terrified of water. The two of them can also take a serious beating and just keep coming at ya. Witten had a lacerated spleen for Christ’s sake. Witten is Romo’s safety net and a must start
Mark Ingram/The Leprechaun- 3 carries for 7 yards and 0 receptions on 0 targets. Just as our little friend “The Leprechaun” is more well known from Wayne’s World 2 than the actual series of movies, Ingram is better known for his Heisman trophy award than his NFL playing career. I still haven’t figured out why the Saints traded back into the first round to draft a 3rd string running back and I still haven’t figured out why anybody drafts this dude. Winning a Heisman when your backup is clearly your superior is one thing, but being drafted in the first round and receiving 5 carries a game in a high powered offense is entirely another. Or it it? They both suck. I’ll never forget watching The Leprechaun at my childhood friend Doug Buttorff’s house, which was a true treat, as I was not allowed to watch R-rated flicks at my crib. It’s a classic and has helped shape me into the man I am today. Thank you Doug. Bless you and your family.
Doug Martin/Chucky- 29 carries for 135 yards with a td and 3 receptions for 79 yards with a td on 6 targets. Like with Child’s Play, not a ton was expected from Martin, at least this season. Little did we know we’d receive the honor of getting to watch a total of FIVE films starring our dear friend Chucky, and little did we know the man who averaged around four yards per carry at Boise State, would break out last week with an explosion and become a weekly must start. Both are relatively small in stature but share a killer instinct. Hi, I’m Tehol, and I’m your friend to the end. Heidy Ho!!!!
Robert Meachem/Freddy Krueger- 0 receptions on 3 targets. Both are vengeful spirits with Freddy attacking his victims from within their dreams, and Meachem attacking his fantasy owners with limp-dick performances on Sundays. Did you happen to see that drop last week by Meechie? An embarrassment to receivers across the world. I’ve always been a Meachem fan, but this is getting ridiculous. Maybe Freddy is haunting his dreams. Or maybe he just blows at football.
Michael Crabtree/Blair Witch- 5 receptions for 72 yards for 2 tds on 5 targets and 1 carry for 8 yards- Some of us(including me) believed the Blair Witch Project was real for a short period of time when it came out. Some of us also believed Michael Crabtree to be a “real” fantasy threat over the past few seasons. It’s an understatement to say we were wrong on both accounts. I know that I should be praising Crabtree like the second coming of Jehovah for this past week’s performance, but to start him against Chicago would be like watching Blair Witch again: Pointless and Painful. The dreaded double P. On the other hand, I supposed Crabs deserves some kudos for exposing Patrick Peterson, so here it is. Kudos. Anyone catch the Blair Witch sequel by the way?
John Skelton/Dracula- 32-52 for 290 yards and a pick. Let’s get this comparison out of the way. They both suck: One sucks blood from humans to survive as well as for pleasure and the other one sucks at his job. John Skelton is one of the worst quarterbacks I’ve ever witnessed on the field of play. It’s like trying to watch a Jimmy Fallon movie all the way through without cringing at least 15 times. Taxi anyone? I was more shocked when Skelton beat out Kevin Kolb for the starting job then I was when I found out Hillary Clinton was not a lesbian. Wait, she is a lesbian? Someone confirm this for me please. Either way, I would bet against the Cardinals in every game going forward with Skelton at the helm. Dracula is “dead and loving it” while Skelton is alive and hating it. Never, ever ever, even consider for a moment, starting this man.
Brandon Weeden/Bride of Chucky- 11 for 27 for 129 yards. To be Frank, both are just straight up bitches. Seriously who drafts a 29 year old quarterback in the first round of the NFL draft? To put this in perspective, Phillip Rivers is 30 and seems like he’s been in the league for 50 years. Unbearable to look at and a constant disgrace. I’m speaking of Drew Carrey of course, but I suppose it also applies to the Browns. In no shape or form am I speaking of the “Bride of Chucky,”
played fabulously by Jennifer Tilly. Ever fantasized you were Chucky, hammering away at the sexually tantalizing Tilly, both of you in doll form? Uhhh, neither have I. Seriously though, there is something special about Tilly, as she gives your friend Tehol that special old fashioned romantic feeling: Where I’d do anything to bone her. Would you rather have Julio Jones or Brandon Weeden and Phil Taylor?
For Halloween, I wore the attire you see in my photograph. Just my bed sheet on and carrying my favorite chicken around. I received no candy and frightened many small children. I hope your’s was better. Next week shall be epic, I promise you. As always, your questions will be responded to within a few hours maximum so do not hesitate to call on me for advice. Happy Halloween!