Is your league still going in week 17? I’m not quite sure what to make of that quite honestly. On one hand I want to denounce you and watch my chicken viciously peck at your children, and on the other hand, can I, Tehol Beddict, fantasy writer extraordinaire, really blame you for wanting to extend fantasy football another week? Fantasy football is fantastic, maybe even better than pure columbian blow(that may be going too far), but some will state it unwise that your league is set up to play when numerous teams are usually set up to play meaningless games. When I say that the games are meaningless, I mean that a few of your fantasy stud muffins may be riding the pine this week in preparation for the playoffs. Talk to your league manager about it. When I say talk, I mean take him in a dark room and stroke him/her with a couple blows to the kidneys while sporting brass knuckles. Nothing like going into a title game having to start the likes of Harry Douglas. Either way, you get another Beddict post, and being that I am the Razzball fantasy football champion, how can you not heed my advice? You almost have no choice at this point. So, no matter that I don’t agree with your league set up. Just win Baby.
Dez Bryant – 9 receptions for 224 yards and 2 TDs on 12 targets. Let’s get one thing clear: When referencing Kobe in the title of this post, I wasn’t speaking of a bestial anal rape in a hotel room. No, no, no, I was referring to the amount of fantasy points Dez scored this past week, in which looked like a Kobe box score, minus all the atrocious ball hogging(which isn’t possible in football but still). Looks like that finger problem is of no concern eh(No, I’m not Canadian). Bryant(Dez, not the rapist) has come a long way from the mother beating, owing hundreds of thousands for jewelry degenerate he was once known as. As of this moment he is the preeminent wideout in all of football and a borderline first round draft pick next season. I wonder if before every game to get himself jacked up, he gives Momma a concentrated blow to the face, just like big John Henderson used to receive back in the day. “You gotta make blood come out the mouth baby!!”
Calvin Johnson – 11 receptions for 225 yards on 16 targets. How in the name Hood(God of Death) did Mr. Johnson manage 225 yards without a touchdown reception? Hopefully you did not lose your title game by 6 points or less. If that’s the case then I can only say this: It huuuuuuuurts! Calvin has been tackled at the 1 yard line so many times this season, I’ve begun to get him confused with Jason Witten. Throw in the fact that Witten is white, and it becomes even more mind boggling. Johnson is not a lumbering, white tight end. He is Megatron, the most destructive force in the NFL, and he has failed to reward us with buku tubs this season. Congrats on the record Calvin…..Actually, thanks for nothing. Still the number one wideout for next season and I say he scores this week. You can do it buddy!
Hakeem Nicks– 0 receptions on 3 targets. ???????!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!? ZERO RECEPTIONS????? In the fantasy finals no less? Nicks is like that annoying girlfriend you just can’t let go, being that you can’t fathom the thought of all your friends running through her like entertainers have the Kardashians. You stuck with him all season, hoping he would get healthy, and come through for you when it mattered most. He did not to say the least. I’m hoping you dropped the floozy you were with and filmed her getting trained by your posse and I’m hoping you didn’t start Hakeem Nicks.
LeSean McCoy – 13 carries for 45 yards and 9 receptions for 77 yards on 11 targets- I must admit that this was far more production then I expected from McCoy coming off a concussion. In fact he got me a fantasy title (Did I mention I won the razzball title?), so let’s just say I’m overjoyed he came back to us when he did. I feel another solid week coming on from him deep in my frail bones. Bryce Brown is a thing of the past. A fumbling, first round fantasy playoff brick laying, thing of the past. RIP(Rest in Piss).
Montell Owens – 10 carries for 42 yards and 4 receptions for 77 yards on 4 targets. I’ve tried my damndest not to post about this man, but he leaves me no choice based on his stellar production. The astonishing thing is, that many fantasy owners have already either won a title this season, or could win one this week with this former bottom feeder in the starting lineup. If I lost to a team starting Owens in the playoffs I would probably go into an alcoholic rage, tear off my bed sheet, run through the streets naked, make love to a tranny, and speak only gibberish for a month straight. But hey, kudos if it worked for you.
Greg Jennings – 7 receptions for 45 yards with a TD on 9 targets. Jennings owners have been lost like a blind man at an orgy all season long. Now comes the reward. I feel an explosion coming on of epic proportions. Like John Candy after a trip to Black Angus. Like a porn star after eating 4 cans of tuna and a dozen oysters. Like a volcano, that has been bubbling for years, about to erupt and destroy all the moronic local villagers who worship it, Gregory Jennings is about to explode in epic fashion. He may score 3 this week I kid you not. Lock and load.
Beanie Wells – 4 carries for 3 yards and 0 receptions on 0 targets. Beans has been auditioning for other teams as of late, as his time in Arizona looks to be done. He has been a real spark plug for this Arizona team, so it will be sad to see him go. Did I say spark plug? I meant butt plug(this joke gets me every time.) From time to time, Wells has shown talent, but it’s obvious to me that coach “Wiz” is nothing without the magic powers of Kurt Warner and his crew cut having wife. If you started Wells against the Bears…… well, I was going to insult you and your entire family but I’m trying to keep my readers. Nice work.
Ryan Grant – 20 carries for 80 yards and 2 TD’s and 1 reception for 34 yards on 2 targets. Please let me know if you had the balls to start Grant this past week and I’ll send you a gold star. Triple kudos to you. Start him again this week. I dare you.
Darren McFadden/Chris Johnson – 17 carries for 33 yds and 3 receptions for 15 yards on 4 targets/ 11 carries for 28 yards and 2 receptions for 13 yards on 4 targets. I put them both together here for a reason. They’re both fantasy swines, and I don’t mean because they eat up opposing defenses like Melissa McCarthy at Old Country Buffet. I mean that they are both filthy, stank, disgusting additions to any fantasy teams. My chicken hates pigs by the way. Did I mention that I traded for both of these fantasy peons mid-season in one league? Did I mention that watching them made me want to slit my wrists, sit in a bath tub, blast some Marilyn Manson, and wait for my life to end. Did I mention both of their head coaches should be pacing the sidelines, only if the game is at junior high level? Oh, and if you have either of them, you more than likely have to start them this week. Why is your league title game in week 17 again? At least it gives you the wonderful opportunity to read another one of my posts right? RIGHT!?!?
Onward to your titles my friends. Thank you for letting me service you here at Razzball. As always, your questions will be responded to quickly, usually within a few hours and I look forward to helping where I may. Beddict out.