Very early Wednesday morning, I journeyed down to Starbucks to get my usual Venti-quad-skinny-ice-vanilla latte and two protein bistro boxes. I seriously can’t live without them. Anyway, you could imagine my excitement when I pulled into a full-on police and convict showdown. Guns drawn and all that! Not just the usual handguns, but I sighted multiple shotguns as well. A real, live, ‘Hard Target’ was on the loose, and I, Tehol Beddict was about to witness something out of a Van-Damme movie. Camera phones were out(unfortunately mine died as I was trying to record) ready to capture this real life action movie taking place before our very eyes. The fact that this particular Starbucks is located right next to a gas station and that myself and most of the other spectating civilians were on the premises of this particular gas station, barricaded behind the gas pumps got me to thinking. “Why are we standing directly behind 8 police officers, all with weapons drawn, and why are standing beside a highly flammable and potentially explosive substance?” Hadn’t we all seen Van-Damme movies before? Hadn’t we seen gas stations explode, then go up in flames, something like Devon Sawa’s career? All I could think of in my self proclaimed genius mind, was that this moment was meant for me to witness. This moment was going to be my lead for Razzball post this week.
So like a solider in Viet Nam shifting through rice patties, I crawled on my hands and knees, away from the sure explosion that I knew was coming, to a better vantage point and got ready to take in the magic. As the man pulled out twin uzi’s and sprayed like Peter North during a money shot, civilians scattered like peasants after being told the local sheriff was coming to town to devirginize their betrothed. I stood calm and grabbed a plump, elderly lady to employ as a body shield. I was going to live to write about this if her old, wrinkled life depended on it. Once the clips were emptied the man gracefully rolled and dodged the ensuing police fire, while simultaneously pulling out twin Katana swords. While backflipping over a chevy Malibu, he managed to decapitate two of the officers left standing, in one orgasmic swoop. He then, leapt, using the last remaining officer like a trampoline, and was able to get ahold of the encircling helicopters rope ladder. Climbing on, he was able to toss the lone gunmen who soared out of the chopper like a Chinese Giant flying squirrel. He then grabbed the RPG , and what do you know, he blew up the gas station and everyone standing there with their stupid camera phones. Were more using Iphones are Galaxy 3′s? Sadly, we shall never know. This mystery man then dumped the pilot in the San Diego River, and I’m guessing, flew to Mexico to continue a life of kicking ass and pleasuring countless women. I was the lone survivor as Grandma took a hot one in the face. I grabbed a couple protein bistro boxes and made my way home, where I bunkered down to tell this tale that shall be remembered for all time. A real Van Damme? A real Hard Target? It doesn’t get any better then that. O.K., let’s talk fantasy football.
Kenny Britt- 6 catches for 55 yards on 11 targets. Just like the stealth, amphibious landing in Normandy on D-Day, Britt has snuck back up on us. He is now officially relevant in fantasy again. After a criminal record similar to Al Capone’s, a torn MCL, ACL, and more baby momma drama then any man should endure, Britt is ready to breakout to once again. But I suppose, you never can quite trust this man. Again, his arrest record makes Michael Lohan look like an upstanding citizen. So if you drafted this outlaw, kudos. I wouldn’t trade the house for him though.
Justin Blackmon- 1 catch for 7 yards on 5 targets. He can’t be this bad, can he? So far Blackmon’s season has been more hideous than Kate Middleton’s breasts. You thought that link was going to take you straight to the topless photo’s didn’t you? I’m sure you pervs have already seen those weird looking things anyway. Prince William, once a heartthrob, is now just another balding, combover styled, daddy issue having, goofy Britt. And to think, I once had a poster of this once sex symbol above my bed! What a disgrace. I’m starting to believe the rumors that Prince Harry was fathered by the mysterious James Hewitt. He’s way too cool to be of relation to Charles or William.
Blackmon has been put in the worst possible spot for a rookie. And that spot is playing wideout for a team with Blaine Gabbert as its quarterback. I can’t blame all Blackmon’s struggles on goldilocks, as he has struggled mightily to pick up the offense. Don’t even think about starting this once proud superstar in your fantasy lineup. Trust your buddy Tehol. Have I ever let you down before? Don’t think about it. Just nod your head no.
Greg Olsen- 7 catches for 98 yards on 14 targets. I feel like this beauty of a man’s story has been told more times then Anne Frank’s. Ultra talented and hung like a horse, Olsen has somehow severely underwhelmed throughout his NFL career, with a few big games here and there. I have no clue as to why he is not targeting more like this past week on a regular basis. The Bears could sure use this blonde behemoth right about now as this man is should be a hot waiver wire pickup if not already owned. How hot? Stacey Dash in Clueless hot! Make sure you are over 18 when you click that link. Also, some other advice: Light some candles, turn off the lights, click the volume all the way up, and get out the maple syrup. Finished? Ok, let’s get back to football.
Marques Colston- 3 catches for 40 yards on 4 targets. Hmmmmm, I just can’t quite figure out what’s occurring with the Saints. It’s not like they are still paying their players to end opposing team member’s careers, or even listening in to the to the enemy’s strategy anymore. Wait, maybe that’s where the problem begins. They need to somehow get that cold blooded aggression back and lose the flaccidness. If I could, I’d recommend the team all watch Kanye West’s sex tape before each game. Watch how the man, magically goes long and strong for 40 straight minutes, never seeming to tire or give up his dream of completing the ultimate sex tape. Then, and only then, will the Saints players understand the kind of heart and inner strength it takes to win a football game without cheating.
I prognosticated that Colston was going to have a huge season. With Robert Meachem gone, there should be even more balls put into those big hands, yet that hasn’t been the case. Not at all. Though you can still expect some big games from this former 7th round diamond in the rough, the dream season could be over. Still a nice buy-low candidate in my mind.
BREAKING NEWS! BREAKING NEWS!! THE REAL NFL REFEREES ARE BACK!! I don’t really care about this as I was actually enjoying the hilarity of ineptitude on the field of play by the replacement refs. It’s like having three Keanu Reeves out there! Make sure you click that link. It’s incredible. But yes, this will no doubt be good for the league, though it wasn’t affecting fantasy all that much if at all.
Mikel Leshoure- 26 carries for 100 yards and 1 td and 4 catches for 34 yards on 4 targets. Detroit finally has a real running back! Hurrrray! Bad news? I traded him and Jonathan Stewart away for CJ ‘I’m High on Drugs’ Johnson in one league. After just one week, Johnson’s chances at a breakout are about as bright as the future leading role prospects for Martin Short. Speaking of Martin Short, am I the only human being that thought ‘Jiminy Glick character he did was absolutely priceless? Nobody else seemed to be feeling it. Oh well, what’s of high importance is that Leshoure is back and I’d ride him till the wheels fall off……..That is, if I still had him.
Jonathan Baldwin-3 catches for 36 yards on 4 targets. How do you say useless in African American? If your response was “Jonathan Baldwin,” you are correct. This explosive, once thought of as a gift to American football, has been a complete disgrace in fantasy football this season. Everything I researched said that the guy was absolutely killing it in preseason and that he was primed for a monster season. Well so far his talents have proven less than stellar. Oh wait, maybe it’s because, for some God only known reason, Matt Cassel is still starting in the NFL. What more could you ask for? Two huge gazelles at wideout, not one but two playmaking slot receivers, a decent pass catching tight end, and the most explosive starting RB in the league all at his disposal. I’m sick to my stomach about this! Or is that the Trader Joe’s peanut butter? I think that place is incredibly overrated by the way. Argue with me if you want to. I don’t care.
Santonio Holmes- 9 catches for 147 on 14 targets. Was this truly Holmes’s first 100 yard game in 28 performances? How is that even possible? Is this the same man who once pulled down one of the most miraculous super bowl receptions of all time against Arizona in the Super Bowl(broke my heart)? Well, hopefully he is back at it and ready to produce at stallion level rates again, giving you a bargain in the draft if you took him anywhere close to where he was rated. Before this outbreak, er, breakout, Holmes career was beginning to resemble this Nerlens Noel dunk attempt. Then again, his quarterback is Mark Sanchez, who is way below average in my opinion, so the 28 games can’t be all his fault. Not even close to all his fault.
Shonn Greene- 19 carries for for 40 yards and 2 catches for 9 yards on 2 targets. Is there a less impressive starting running back in the NFL? Greene makes Cedric Benson look like Barry Sanders in his prime. By the way I just saw that Benson is only 29 years of age. I could have sworn he was 38!
I say they just plug in Tebow at tailback and watch the magic ensue. Did you guys catch God’s son’s interview for Vogue magazine or hear about how he needs a woman with a “servant’s heart”? I truly cannot get enough this Jesus clone. The lengths I would go too, to get him on the Razzball podcast are cannot even be put into words. I worship this man. Get him on the field.
Back to Greeny. His duties on the football field has been performed at a lower level than that of the replacement referees. Did anyone see that Packers/Seahawks game on monday night? It was obviously a catch and anyone that says otherwise is just ignorant….or doesn’t hail from Washington state. Greene should be taken out of all fantasy lineups. Seriously, if you’re that thin at RB, you’re better off just plugging in a team’s backup. It’s that bad. He started with a spark, but now he’s just garbage.
Heath Miller- 8 catches for 60 yards and 2 tds on 10 targets. I can’t explain how this is happening, nor will I ever start him. I thought the days of the slow, white tight ends were finished years ago. With Wallace, Brown, and Sanders I have no clue how Miller is even allowed to leave the line of scrimmage, but I guess if you have him, you must keep playing him. Kudos to you. Just so you understand, me saying I won’t be starting him is strictly based on the fact that I am a sucker for speed and athleticism. It’s cost me a time a two but I’m a stubborn son of beech tree when it comes to my fantasy football teams.
DeSean Jackson- 3 catches for 43 yards on 10 targets. Subservience and obedience can be coerced. Understanding and acceptance cannot. In other words, Jackson has finally shut up after being paid, and has stopped whining. However, he doesn’t seem to be understanding that now that he’s been paid, he’s supposed to play at an all-pro level, and not pull a Chris Johnson on us. Before the season started, I believed Jackson to be severely under ranked. I suppose I was wrong….Or maybe, just maybe this explosion waiting to happen, is about to get off in ways we Jackson owners have only dreamed about. The 10 targets are a nice sign and his first 2 games were decent, so maybe it will be all good from here. I’m saying buy low on him now, because he will be a top 15 wideout from here on out.
Ummmmm, so I’m sorry about the 2300 word essay here , but Redline will do that to a man, or even a woman I suppose. I’d like to clear up a thing or two about my opening paragraphs. Not all that I wrote was true. I will say this: I did drive up to many police officers with their guns drawn and everyone else was standing behind the gas pumps with their camera phones out…….which were then confiscated as this was obviously a top secret mission. Details have been changed to protect the innocent and I can speak on it no longer. Also, if you are upset that I wasted that much of your time on an non football related subject, imagine me on my knees apologizing. Then imagine me pulling an R. Kelly on your sister.
Good luck this week!