MFer I’m a monster in this game, similar to the Lochness. My writing’s nappy rooted, all my pieces have a process. Greetings all! Tis I, Beddict, back with more fantasy football goodness, and boy am I excited tonight. No, not because Chris Johnson scored 2 TDs on Thursday night football, but for the reason that more biblical fairy tales are being turned into movies. If you’re anything like me, you’ve been hungrily awaiting a Passion of the Christ sequel. We aren’t receiving that YET, but it’s bound to happen some day right. We can always count on Uncle Mel to deliver us the classics. Instead we get my main man Russell Crowe in the blockbuster, Noah, and man does it look scrumptious. While it doesn’t have Gibson’s maniacal touch, it does reunite Crowe with Jennifer Connelly as they, with God’s help, wipe the face of the earth of all other human life. The Elder Gods laugh hysterically about these children’s tails but one has to wonder how Hollywood has waited so long to turn these fascinating works of fiction into billion dollar hits. This is only the beginning as we should soon expect big budget pictures about Peter walking on water, the Ethiopian in the desert, the stoning of Stephen, Moses and the parting of the Red Sea, Daniel in the lion’s den, and the aforementioned Christ sequel. I for one am praying on a trilogy depicting the battle of David and Goliath, Hobbit style. Peter Jackson would be a perfect fit in bringing these storybooks to life and if the Gods will it, Elijah Wood could even play the role of David. Hollywood is sitting on a goldmine and we are the main benefactors. Rejoice!
I should probably now write something regarding football since that’s why they pay me the big bucks. Let’s lead off with John Carlson since he seemingly returned from the dead like Jesus Christ himself. Take heed.
John Carlson – 7 receptions for 98 yards with 1 TD on 7 targets. I haven’t witnessed such a shocking return to relevancy since Mickey Rourke blew our minds in The Wrestler. It looks like the former Seahawk has spent countless hours doing Pilates and insanity workouts as the man is yoked. I’ve literally spent hours bagging on this dude and he finally decided to throw it back in my face and give me the Mutombo finger wave. Now it’s Carlson’s moment to get back at the team who drafted him and unceremoniously let him go. Will he do it?! The answer is no my friends. Don’t be ridiculous.
Jordan Reed – 6 receptions for 62 yards with 1 TD on 9 targets. If you failed to notice, every site has begun to rank Reed as a top 5/6 tight end each and every week since I, Tehol, turned the world onto this legend in the making, and with good reason. Young Jordan is one more stellar game away from knighthood as he shall kneel before me and swear his allegiance to King Beddict. Miles Austin was stripped of his Knighthood and I’ve been waiting for worthy replacement. Reed is long, strong, and down to get the friction on. If it’s not clear, I absolutely worship this man. Can a King worship one of his knights? Well Sean Connery AKA King Arthur felt true love for Lancelot AKA Richard Gere in the underrated classic First Knight. At least until he found out his wife was unable to resist Gere’s gigoloish charm. If only Connery had known about Gere’s passion for gerbil butt play, he could have nipped that problem in the bud. We won’t have this problem as I am fine with Reed smashing any one or all of the women in my Harem. Reed scores this week. Lock it up.
Jermaine Kearse – 3 receptions for 75 yards with 1 TD on 4 targets. Is Lakewood in the house? Hell yea it is, and this Lakes Lancer legend is becoming a fantasy relevant receiver as we speak. With Sidney Rice sidelined for the remainder of the season, Kearse, is the only real big bodied receiver left on the Seahawks roster and he is coming down with nearly everything thrown his way. Expect him to continue to see a couple deep balls a game as I like him to score again this week. He returns kicks as an added bonus, you know if you get points for that sort of thing in your league. If not, sucks to be you.
Roddy White – 1 reception for 20 yards on 4 targets. Roddy, do your fantasy owners a favor and stay injured. I haven’t witnessed a falloff to this degree since the entire cast of Boy Meets World. Remember when Ryder Strong ruled “Tiger Beat” magazine? Dude got ugly. The same exact thing has happened to Roddy. I’m speaking of his play on the field of course for I think White is a handsome man. I suppose there’s a chance he has a couple games to end the season. BELIEVE.
Alshon Jeffery – 9 receptions for 114 yards on 18 targets. Speaking of believing, Jeffery has cherry-blossomed right before our very eyes, becoming arguably the best number 2 wideout in the NFL. With the attention Marshall receives, the exceptionally talented Jeffery can’t help but receive a massive amount of targets. I haven’t seen a man explode onto the scene like this since Rodney Dangerfield did Caddy Shack, arguably the greatest comedy of all time. OF ALL TIME. It’s time Jeffery got some respect.
Jeremy Ross – 2 receptions for 28 yards on 3 targets. Who TF is this guy? Don’t concern yourself with it. Burleson will be back soon getting all of Calvin’s leftovers and being a possible WR3. Saw this guy’s name in the box score and realized Detroit has fallen on desperate times at the wideout position. Why aren’t opposing teams giving Calvin quadruple coverage? Or are they and it just doesn’t work? Either way, forget this guy ever existed.
Jarrett Boykin – 8 receptions for 112 yards on 13 targets. Without Cobb and Finely, da Boinkster will continue to put up solid numbers, though I must say that I surely was not expecting this in a game where I thought Lacy would do the bulk of the work. Kudos to Tolzien for throwing for close to 300 yards. Didn’t think he had it in him. He could be the next Matt Flynn. But let’s hope not.
Jason Avant – 2 receptions for 25 yards on 4 targets. I don’t want to see Avant’s name mentioned in the comment section ever again. PPR or not, wipe this scrub from your memory. That is all.
Maurice Jones-Drew – 21 carries for 41 yards with 1 TD and 4 receptions for 33 yards on 4 targets. HE SCORES!!!!! Aaaaaaaand he averaged less than 2 yards a carry against a team that was just shredded by Donald Brown. MJD’s season has been a bigger disappointment than the last Terminator installment, and that’s saying a lot.
Kendall Wright – 7 receptions for 78 yards on 9 targets. Never quite understood why Titans drafted Wright in the first round but he’s a great slot guy and a solid weekly PPR start. Wright is seemingly allergic to the end zone, but then again most slot guys are. He had another nice game last night but this seems like his peak to me.
Tavon Austin – 1 carry for 4 yards and 2 receptions for 138 yards with 2 TDs on 3 targets. Little Tae-Tae got extra mannish against the Colts last week, adding a punt return to the house to his aforementioned stats. Shockingly, it wasn’t called back like every other big play he’d made all season. Unfortunately for myself, I’d already dropped Austin in most of my leagues. This could be the start of something big or Austin may just fade to black. Mos def worth a roster spot though.
Trent Richardson – 5 carries for 2 yards and 3 receptions for 33 yards on 5 targets. At this point I’d say Cleveland won the trade even if they only received a 7nth rounder back for T-Rich. I mean, my God, this guy is a disgrace. The only way he’s even minorly relevant is because of his new sex tape with 3 women. Ahhh, brings back fond memories for me. Nothing quite like filming yourself drilling 3 groupies on a blow binge. Speaking of blow binges and groupies, Sky, Grey, and yours truly will be balls deep in this kind of behavior at the Playboy Mansion on Dec. 15. Are you jealous? You should be. I’m praying to the Elder Gods that they don’t recognize me at the door for I was once banned from their for getting a blumpkin from Hefner’s number 8 chick about 6 years ago. Hopefully my face lift and countless botox injections make me unrecognizable. Back to Richardson for a sec: He just dropped an epic dud against the Titans on Thursday night football with Donald Brown thoroughly outplaying him yet again. Goodnight Irene. Bench this peon.
Andre Brown – 30 carries for 115 yards with 1 TD and 1 reception for 4 yards on 3 targets. Coughlin told us Brown wouldn’t play much last week. Coughlin is a filthy, disgusting liar. Brown is immediately an RB2 and a solid play every week from here on out. Too bad I dropped him a few weeks back for Hood knows who.
P.S. Dear David Wilson, I HATE YOU!
Rashad Jennings – 20 carries for 88 yards and 2 receptions for 19 yards on 5 targets. I haven’t seen a 40 year old perform this brilliantly since Tom Hanks did Philadelphia. Ok, so Jennings isn’t 40, but he looked like it a couple years back. This hog is already better than DMC could ever hope to be so McFadden owners who handcuffed him should be thanking the Gods, for now you have a viable option at running back.
C.J. Spiller – 8 carries for 23 yards and 3 receptions for 11 yards on 3 targets. Honestly, I can’t take much more of this. Why? Why have the Gods cursed the most explosive player in football? All I can do is sacrifice more goats, cows, and llamas, and hope the blood spilled from their tender necks is enough.
Antonio Brown – 6 receptions for 104 yards on 11 targets. Expect a multiple touchdown game this week.
Torrey Smith – 5 receptions for 46 yards with 1 TD on 14 targets. It’s extremely difficult to shock Beddict, but Smith actually getting a target inside the 20 yard line truly made my day. I’ve seen him open many a time but Flacco seems to prefer pleasing his much bummier targets with red zone opportunities. It’s blatantly obvious that Torrey is their best overall weapon, long or short, and he needs to be fed the rock. I’m not blind, I see that Smith was hit with 14 targets, so Flacco is the man to aim your anger towards. F him.
Anquan Boldin – 3 receptions for 23 yards on 5 targets. Quan Quan’s season is sort of like the new Eminem album: A few exceptional performances, but overall nothing to get too excited about. I’m beginning to feel like a fantasy God, fantasy God. All my people from the front to the back nod, back nod. Boldin’s due for a good game. Get him in your lineup and watch him run wild after the catch.
Jonathan Stewart – 13 caries for 41 yards. Led the team in carries. Has to mean something right?
Ben Tate – 15 caries for 56 yards and 3 receptions for 8 yards on 5 targets. Starting Tate has already gotten old. I’m not sure if the broken ribs are affecting his game or if he’s just a below average starting running back. The Texans disgraceful season is officially over so maybe he will call it quits soon. One can dream, right?
Arian Foster – Yes, I traded Jimmy Graham for Foster the week before a ghost hurt his back and ended his season. Yes, I despise him.
Rashard Mendenhall – 13 carries for 42 yards and 1 reception for 9 yards on 1 target. I really like what Arians has done with the Cardinals this season…..except for one thing……Mendenhall. Ellington and even Taylor look like superior options at this point, so why is Bruce Bruce still force feeding this washed up, fumbling pigeon? Don’t ask Beddict tha Kid cuz I can’t call it playaz.
Demaryius Thomas – 7 receptions for 108 yards with 3 TDs on 10 targets. I usually don’t focus on the superstars of the league, but Demaryius busted off 3 in the whale’s vagina last week and it caught my attention. If only my wideouts could catch 2 yard passes and take them house in what seems like 50 percent of the time. Just a dream of mine.
Marques Colston – 7 receptions for 107 yards with 1 TD on 8 targets. Guess who’s baaaaaaack! The hate seems to be feeding Colston as he exploded against what might be the worst defense I’ve ever laid eyes on. I’m assuming he’ll end the season in solid fashion and reward his owners for their patience. I seem to be one of the few writers who believes in Colston.  Witness.
Mark Ingram – 14 carries for 145 yards with 1 TD and 2 receptions for 15 yards on 3 targets. Wow, you can’t question Ingram’s desire to be one of the greats. Unfortunately, Ingram seems to be the 3rd or 4th best running back on his own team. Ok, that may be a tad harsh as Ingram looked like a monster against Dallas. Then again, Dallas’s defense has been performing as I did when I was desperate for money and attempted to do gay porn; LIMP.
Rishard Matthews – 11 receptions for 120 yards with 2 TDs on 14 targets. I can’t lie, Monday was the first time I’ve ever heard Matthews name. Does that make me less of an expert? No matter how you feel on that subject Matthews is worth an add in all leagues. He’s already a billion times better than Brian Hartline, and that’s good enough for me.
Brian Leonard – 20 carries for 57 yards and 2 receptions for 16 yards on 3 targets. The return of the great white buffalo! When Edgerrin James’s cousin broke his ankle, Tampa was forced to turn the former Bengals’s second round pick. You on the other hand, aren’t forced to do anything you don’t want to do, and you don’t want to pick this scrub up. Grab Rainey.
That’s all for this week Beddict Lovah’s and haters. Leave me comments and questions, even if it’s only to bash me. Follow me on twitter at @TeholBeddict47 and you won’t regret it. Actually, there’s a good chance you will, but at least give me a week before you unfollow. See you next week for more Rock Hard Targets.
