Alright! Stop what your doing, cuz I’m about to ruin, the image and the style that ya used to. Greetings all! Tis I, a man who has tossed more salads than Chef Emeril, the fabulous Mr. Beddict. Comin at cha live and in full effect, to bring you the heat and inside scoop on the men who will either traject you on to glorious fantasy wins and those of whom will you want to avoid like a she-male Thai hooker with full ownership of every STD on planet earth. We’ve all been there right? No? Just me? Alllllrighty then. I know many of you are saddened by the fact that I’m back after a no-show last week, as you were thanking the Gods that I was finally fired and had hopefully had my nuts clipped in a tragic modeling accident but that’s just not the case. A week off was needed as I traveled to Bangladesh to take every child at the Beddict orphanage in Bangladesh base jumping. Modeling and writing about sports is how I live a luxurious lifestyle, but my real passion is my hobby: taking my Beddict sponsored orphans base jumping. My immense generosity and stunning good looks are not what these posts are about so let’s move on to that shall we?
What we have upon is two characters combined from the highly underrated movie, In Too Deep. We have J-Reed(Sp) who shares the same name as my featured future legend and the game, and we have “God,” which is the name you will soon be calling Jordan Reed. His stats from his breakout performance reed(get it?) like this: 9 receptions for 134 yards with 1 TD on 9 targets. Yea, those are what’s known as “Godly” numbers and you should get down on your knees every night and pray to him, maybe even sacrifice some sort of creature in his honor. “Love it, love it. Think about him, think about him.”Click that link and find out where the title In Too Deep really came from. Anyway, I’m sure J. Reed would really appreciate a sacrifice or two. It absolutely worked for me as I streamed him last week and went double tight with Vernon Davis. I will continue to do so as I expect 2-3 house calls against Denver this week. Yes, I said it and it will be done. Witness.
Here’s a look at some of other humans who intrigued me enough to write about them after an all night bottomless pool party.
Harry Douglas- 7 receptions for 149 yards with 1 TD on 7 targets- You may now refer to him as “Harold,” or he might prefer, “King Ding-A-Ling.” Kudos to the savants who swooped this former Louisville star up immediately after Julio dropped like a dead fly. I have lost all faith in Roddy White this year. I feel like after I interviewed for the DirecTV promo, it was all downhill from there. Once you look Tehol in the eye, one is never quite the same again. Ask MJD about that.
Mike James- 14 carries for 45 yards and 3 receptions for 8 yards on 3 targets- Little Mikey is ready to fill the shoes of a running back I had ranked nowhere near my top 10, The Muscle Gerbil AKA Doug Martin. James shows eagle-eye vision and squeezes through tight holes like Wilt Chamberlain in his prime. Unfortunately the Gerbil is now saying he’s coming back so those of you hoping to have a James for the rest of the season will be weeping like Matthew Berry after I seduced his wife and left my thong in his kitchen. James looked OK in the Thursday night game this week as well but Tampa was down early so he wasn’t able to show us his full repertoire, but again, I like the way he runs.
C.J. Spiller- 6 carries for 11 yards and 3 receptions for -4 yards on 3 targets. I’d rather receive a 3 consecutive root canals without any painkillers while simultaneously getting a full cavity search from Officer Shaquille O’Neal then own Spiller this season. This was supposed to be a breakout season of epic proportions, instead it’s felt more like an epic breakout of genital herpes. Doug Marrone has seemingly finally come to his senses and is forcing Spiller to take a week or 2 off to allow the ankle to fully heal. WHAT A FASCINATING THOUGHT DOUGLAS!!! A real Einstein that guy.
Brian Hartline- 6 receptions for 69 yards on 11 targets- Boooooooooooooring. If you’re starting Brian the Hitman Hart, I hope you’re expecting no more than 8 points max. The targets are there just as they were last season so he maintains some value in PPR leagues, but the man is allergic to the end zone, and I’m allergic to fantasy peons like Hartline.
Chris Ivory- 34 carries for 104 yards and 1 receptions for -2 yards on 2 targets. Finally! It’s nice to see Rex Ryan smarten up and pound the man they traded for this offseason. I loved Ivory in New Orleans and thought he would pile up stats in New York. I’m assuming the benching of Powell isn’t a one time thing so Ivory should be getting 20 touches a game from here on out. Powell is a backup talent and that is where he should remain, barring injury of course. Do I have to say “barring injury?” You’re smart people right? Ok, I’m not going to say it anymore.
Roy Helu- 11 carries for 41 yards with 3 TDs and 1 reception for 5 yards on 2 targets. Did Helu cap his 3 TD game by banging Alfred Morris’s sister, mother, and baby-momma in full on freak fest? One can only dream. I drafted Helu last season, for I loved what I saw out of him his rookie year. Then the man formerly known as “Sir Alfred,” appeared and stole the show. Now, we may get a more even split, especially when considering how horrific the Skins defense is, and that Helu will most likely be in for the hurry up offense and passing downs. Definite flex options this week at Denver. Don’t be scurred.
Riley Cooper- 6 receptions for 88 yards on 7 targets. Don’t. just don’t
Zac Stacy- 17 carries for 53 yards and 4 receptions for 34 yards with 1 TD on 4 targets. Stacy miraculously found pay dirt in his third week as the starting running back and I wish I could say there’s plenty more on the horizon considering I own this meatball in just about every league I’m in. Stacy’s upcoming schedule is absolutely brutal and with the loss of Sam Bradford, opposing teams will be 1) focusing on the run and 2) gaining huge leads and forcing the inept Kellen Clemens to throw the ball. I’ve always thought Bradford was horrible and wrote a letter to their G.M., advising him to trade Bradford and draft RG3 but he refused to listen to the guidance of a male model. The Joke’s on him. I find it hard to believe Stacy will score more than 4 TD’s the rest of the season but trust me when I tell you, that I’m praying to the Elder God’s nightly that I’m wrong. You can do it chubbs!
Jarrett Boykin- 8 receptions for 103 yards with 1 TD on 10 targets. How did this dude go un-drafted? He certainly looked legit to me this past week and James Jones could possibly miss another couple games, So Boykin is a must start. The loss of Finley obviously helps this young man’s cause as well and I expect him to take full advantage of the many one on one opportunities he will receive. Ladies and gentlemen, get this stallion in your lineup.
Trent Richardson- 14 carries for 37 yards and 0 receptions on 0 targets. Maybe the Gods don’t hate Cleveland after all. They seem to have made the correct move here as T-B!tch can’t even beat out the atrocious Donald Brown. I am absolutely appalled. All this talk about how the Colts want to be a power running team is an absolute disgrace. Yea cool dude, you have Andrew Luck. Open the playbook moron. That’s like telling Picasso he can’t paint, like telling me not do oiled up photo shoots in thongs, like telling Liberace not to spoil his piano boys with lavish gifts for sexual favors, or telling Colin Farrell to not do blow and bang hookers. Why cage in the absolute brilliance of Andrew Luck, especially when you’re “power” running game, is positively non-existent. The Colts have no shot to win the Super Bowl by the way, just in case you wanted to know my thoughts.
Ben Tate- 15 carries for 50 yards and 2 receptions for 5 yards on 3 targets. Tate owners eyes lit up when Arian went down with a hammy last week, but all he managed to do was look terrible and break 25 of his ribs and basically lose his manhood. He has a week to recover but so does Arian, and I expect both back next week, although broken ribs don’t just go away so Tate will be playing in immense pain. I’m still holding, hoping Foster re-pulls his hamstring but that’s just wishful thinking. Is that evil?
Andrew Quarless- 0 receptions on 1 targets. I’ve always had a thing for Quarless and identified him as talent a couple years ago I felt could breakout. Everything I’ve read about him says he’s not much of a pass catcher but I beg to differ. If you have injuries at the tight end spot and want to take a long shot a man I feel as fairly high upside, go with my man Quarless and either thank me later with a naked pic of your girlfriend or send me a hate message. Either way, I’ll know I touched someones life.
Darius Heyward-Bey- 1 carry for 30 yards and 4 receptions for 44 yards with 1 TD on 7 targets. Will the former top 10 pick rise to the occasion with Reggie Wayne on the shelf with a torn ACL? Well not if the Colts continue on being the “power” running team they are, but with the running game looking more than than Jimmy Johnson in the shower before he got Extenze, the throws will come. I like DHB as a WR3 going forward. Like, not love.
Coby Fleener- 5 receptions for 38 yards with 1 TD on 5 targets. Here we have the man who should benefit the most from Wayne’s injury. Fleener has beefed up this season and seems to have lost a tad of the speed he once had, but still should be able to put up big numbers going forward. He’s most def a top 10 tight end for the rest of the season and that’s just a fact you will have to except. Pick him up if available or feel lucky you already owned, you geniuses you.
Mike Tolbert- 13 carries for 36 yards with 1 TD and 0 receptions on 0 targets. Tolbert looks as if he consumes 3 buckets of chili cheese fries per night but the man known as “thickness” can ball baby. He scored another 2 on Thursday night football and will receive all the goal line work going forward. Jonathan Stewart is nearing a return which will reduce some of his carries but if desperate he’s a good bet to get a TD almost every game. God, I miss the days of Natrone Means and Jerome Bettis. I wonder if we will ever see a back like that again. I also wonder if I’ll ever bang Pamela Anderson but who cares what I wonder?
That’s all I have for you this week my peeps. Always follow me on twitter, HERE, or if you want it written out find me at @TeholBeddict47. Your comments and questions will all be responded to in a timely manner and as always I look forward to your responses. Enjoy your weekend. Goodbye.