I’ve been patiently waiting to blow. Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the Tehol Beddict show. Greetings! I had to take a two week sabbatical to put in major work on my favorite charitable cause, “Beddict’s Single Mothers Project.” This charity was founded by myself, Tehol Beddict, in Jaunary of 2007 and takes aim at really solidifying the home life of abandoned or widowed mothers. The inspiration for this incredibly rewarding project came from none other than my idol/role model, Ernie McCracken, and his “Fatherless Family” sponsorship program. I devote a full 24 hours to single mothers that are deemed “worthy” by my assistants. By allowing them to make me 3 full meals with dessert plus two pipings and a tossed salad, they get to feel alive and appreciated again, helping them breakout of their funk and letting them live life to the fullest again. I’ve found that blowing these women’s backs out truly helps them become better mothers and for that I’m thankful. On NFL Sundays, doggystyle is a must, so you can both watch the game. I wasn’t the only prime-time performer on Sunday though guys. Alshon Jeffery, Josh Gordon, and Erik Decker also went balls deep on the opposition. Were you lucky enough to have one of these legends? Did anyone have all 3? If so I need to hear about it in the comment section. For those of you wishing to donate money to my “Beddict’s Singe Mothers Project,” please DM me on Twitter and we can work something out on paypal. Thank you so much. Now let’s get to what I witnessed last weekend. Take Heed!
Jordy Nelson – 2 receptions for 14 yards on 4 targets. This perfectly proportioned creation was having a top 5 fantasy season at the WR position but after two dismal weeks in a row, is now hanging in the top 10 by a thread. Only praying to the Elder Gods could bring A-Rod back this week for a succulent matchup with Atlanta, so you best believe I’ve been on my knees more often than Perez Hilton over the past month. Without Rodgers, I would be nervous about inserting Nelson into my lineup. For example, I’d rather start Michael Floyd of the Cardinals or typical WR3′s over the white panther. RODGERS, PLEASE!!!!!
Eddie Lacy – 10 carries for 16 yards and 2 receptions for 23 yards. As of late Eddie Money has been more Eddie Food stamps and there’s only one man to blame and he goes by the name of Matt Flynn. Dude is a bum, plain and simple. I can see myself going all Bob Barker on his ass when I play with him in a celebrity golf tournament down the road. Either way, Lacy rebounds this week and will absolutely go HAM on the Falcons pathetic defense. Witness!
Andre Holmes – 7 receptions for 136 yards on 11 targets. While slurping up Gravy out of a washed up Victoria Secret model’s red eye on Thanksgiving, I thought I was witnessing the impossible. Dez Bryant was playing Wideout on both teams! Nope, it was young Dre Dre, a former Cowboy, coming back to show them what they gave up on. This is a bad look Jerry, almost as bad as letting Sam Hurd walk. If Moore continues to miss time I like Holmes to continue to shine bright like a diamond. A black diamond.
Miles Austin – 1 reception for 18 yards on 5 targets. This is quickly becoming a tragedy of epic proportions. I’m deeply saddened and hurt by this regression as this former fantasy royal has become a peasant. Nice matchup this week but unfortunately you must stay away. When I get moody about this kind of stuff I like to pump up my boys Rags and Ribbons on my compact disc player and just zone out. Check out this enthralling video and try and tell me they won’t be blowing up shortly. It’s a guarantee playaz.
Torrey Smith – 6 receptions for 93 yards with 1 TD on 10 targets. What could have been. Though Torrey had a very nice day statistically, there were a ton of points left off the board due to him not being able to haul in a ball on a pass interference call and a couple other embarrassing drops. I believed Smith to be a possible top 10 wideout this season but it just hasn’t been the case. I sacrificed a pig to the Elder Gods in his honor and am praying he goes Alshon Jeffery on the pathetic Vikings defensive backs.
Le’Veon Bell – 16 carries for 73 yards with 1 TD and 7 receptions for 63 yards on 9 targets. I’m delighted to hear that Bell is good to go this week after nearly having his life extinguished. Bell must have felt much like the Pequots did after the white man slaughtered them on the day we celebrate Thanksgiving; Violated, bewildered, and frightened. HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
Ace Sanders – 8 receptions for 67 yards on 11 targets. The Jags would have nice little receiving core if doja fiend, Justin Blackmon, could stop getting suspended by the league. It would look even more frightening if they had Russell Wilson throwing to them but I suppose punter, Bryan Anger, was the correct choice in the 3rd round last year…………..#DISGRACE. Keep on eye on Sanders next season.
Josh Gordon – 10 receptions for 261 yards with 2 TDs on 15 targets. One part Cheetah, one part Black Panther, Josh Gordon is hybrid of the sort the Gods have never witnessed. How Gordon is able to accomplish these feats when the opposing defenses know there are no other weapons befuddles me, but it’s possible JG is just the realest to ever do it. If he can stay away from that white powder we could be witnessing a Hall of Famer in the flesh.
Trent Richardson – 5 carries for 19 yards. Literally the worst running back I’ve seen this season other than possibly his replacement, Willis McGahee. Drop him before reading on.
Darius Heyward-Bey – 1 receptions for 23 yards on 5 targets. “Nobody puts in more time on the ball machine and working on his craft than DHB.” Well it’s not working and I for one am disgusted. Just gross.
Alshon Jeffery – 12 receptions for 249 yards with 2 TDs on 15 targets. Half God, half man, young Alshon is making opposing coaches look like peons for focusing on Brandon Marshall. Jeffery is every bit as talented and looks like an absolute star. Unfortunately I went against him in multiple leagues last week. WHY ME?! Why have the Gods cursed me? Either way, J-bone is a must start each and every week.
Greg Jennings – 7 receptions for 78 yards with 1 TD on 9 targets. We have proof of life! Welcome back Gregory! I still wouldn’t start him.
Chris Ivory – 12 carries for 61 yards and 1 reception for 12 yards on 1 target. Let me explain something to you right quick: If Geno Smith is your quarterback, you have a great defense, and a beast of running back like Ivory, you run the F##KING ball! I’m talking running on 1st, 2nd, and 3rd down if you have to. Put the game on your defense and grind it out. It’s an absolute joke the way the Jets have called plays this season. It’s not rocket science. I was behind Rex Ryan but the past two weeks have me 100 percent sold on firing his ass immediately. It’s simply inexcusable. I obviously own Ivory, but you can’t argue with his knowledge. Can’t start Ivory anymore this season, even with nice matchup VS Raiders, though he will surely do better than Ben Tate…….FML
Mike Wallace – 7 receptions for 82 yards with 1 TD on 9 targets. The Rich man’s Ted Ginn Jr.is showing why he got paid. Wallace’s fantasy owners are rejoicing worldwide and I expect the celebration to continue as Ike Taylor has become fish food as of late. Wallace gets two this week.
Michael Floyd – 5 receptions for 99 yards with 1 TD on 9 targets. I thought Arizona drafted Floyd too high. I was incorrect. What we have here is a Jeffery/Marshall situation on our hands. Having Fitz out there gets Floyd some one on ones and the young man is a beast. I’m going to keep riding this hot streak and you should do the same.
LeSean McCoy – 19 carries for 79 yards and 5 receptions for 36 yards on 6 targets. Interesting how ineffective Shady has been without Vick. I suppose ineffective is too strong a word as I’d kill to own him, but still. I say he explodes like a backed up Oprah Winfrey who just downed a bottle of turbo-lax this week and you can’t tell me otherwise.
Jonathan Stewart – 14 carries for 39 yards and 2 receptions for 3 yards. If you are still rostering Stewart, turn off your computer or phone and slap yourself. Don’t hold back.
Bobby Rainey – 17 carries for 63 yards and 2 receptions for 8 yards on 3 targets. I’m feeling this little guy and I’m not talking literally. Beddict don’t get down like that…..unless I’m properly compensated. He’ll put up more than 100 total yards this week against Buffalo and finds the end zone at least once. Lock it up.
Shane Vereen – 10 carries for 38 yards and 5 receptions for 37 yards with 1 TD on 6 targets. Shoulda had three TDs but one is a good enough I suppose. Clearly, Vareen is the Patriots best option in the backfield although you have to get out your knee pads and pray that the Patriots are either behind or in a close game so that they will continue to throw the ball 75 percent of the time. I always have my knee pads ready.
Ben Tate – 22 carries for 102 yards with 3 TDs. First week I bench Tate and he does this? Oh it’s all good he made it up to me by putting up a monstrous 5 points against Jacksonville Thursday, in the first round of the fantasy playoffs. I was thinking Vareen in his place but Sky talked me into Tate this week, so kudos to him. He is now paying my league fee.
C.J. Spiller – 15 carries for 149 yards with 1 TD and 2 receptions for 8 yards on 4 targets. Possessing the quickness of a cat and the speed of a mongoose, Spiller showed the world why he should have sat out the past few weeks to get healthy. Ceeej is far and away the most explosive runner in the NFL and will win many an owner a title with a cupcake schedule to end the season. Unfortunately the razzball writers league only allows 4 teams in the playoffs and I’m the 5th seed. Though I am the most talented participant and have the best team, even with losing Julio and Cobb, I won’t make a big deal about it. They all know I’m the true champion.
Roddy White – 10 receptions for 143 yards on 14 targets. Heeeee’s back. Am I excited? No.
Eric Decker – 8 receptions for 174 yards with 4 TDs on 12 targets. Surpassing Jordy as the supreme white wideout in the NFL, Decker celebrated the Holidays by roasting KC’s Marcus Cooper like chestnuts over the open fire. I’m guessing Manning and Decker toasted the victory with a couple of Hot-Toddies to make it even that more special. If you drink Hot Toddies, we’re probably not friends.
A.J. Jenkins – 3 receptions for 35 yards on 4 targets. Now I see why Niners drafted in the 1st round.
Vernon Davis – 4 receptions for 82 yards with 1 TD on 5 targets. With Vern being the hanger I know he is, that crotch grab last week had to be a full on shaft yank . White players don’t have this problem. Shoot, we can wear loose boxers underneath our basketball shorts and not even have to worry about floppage.
Giovani Bernard – 14 carries for 57 yards and 1 reception for 9 yards on 2 targets. Nothing too exciting going on here yet but it’s coming. I can taste it.
Doug Baldwin – 4 receptions for 77 yards with 1 TD on 5 targets. Dougie B aint playin and I suggest you take notice. Think he has a nice game against the Niners this week, which I will be at personally. I will be holding an autograph session at a bar before and after the game so reserve your spot now.
Well that was fun wasn’t it? Another 2000 plus words of knowledge for your powerful brains. It feels good to be back! As usual, I’m going to recommend you follow me on twitter at @TeholBeddict47. Actually, I’m going to demand it. Comments and questions will be responded to promptly below as we hunker down for the fantasy playoffs so feel free to drop some doozies on me. Beddict Out.