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Let me tell you something

If you took away the chicken

If you took away the thongs,

the celebrity references.

If you took away the swingers lifestyle.

And all the yayed out strippers that come with it.

If you took away the chiseled body and movie star good looks.

What would you have left?

Everything????

Nahhh, for that is Beddict, and Beddict is I, ready to pump it up once again and feed your malnourished minds with a treasure trove of gems that are only found on Razzball. Greetings all! How did you do last week? Dropped another dud did you? Well just like Aldon Smith did, you need to take it one day at at time, and you need to find a solution. Trust in Dr. Beddict to vanquish your worriment and help snatch that league title you’ve been craving. Some of you, may have been in the same league for years and held title-less, and that my friends is a torturous experience I know all too well. Like a Catholic Priest who’s had his Lambo repo’d and been disallowed from being 50 feet from teenage boys, it’s almost like we are nothing. I Tehol Beddict, hereby challenge you to rise up and rage against the dying of the light! We shall overcome and become legends. We shall become like Marvin Jones, who went hambone on the opposition last week to the tune of 8 receptions for 122 yards with 4 Tds on 8 targets. I’ve privately praised Marvin now for the past 2 seasons and wondered why he wasn’t starting over the barely average, if that, Sanu. Well, he’s a must own in all leagues at this point and showed in last night’s game he is a touchdown machine. I know it was called back by a questionable call but such is life. We witnessed Sanu dropping multiple balls and it’s a certainty that his role will decrease going forward. Jones is a very nice WR3 option and possible flex option depending on byes. I’m sure he’s owned now in your league and if you swooped him, you receive a big kudos from Uncle Tehol. Let’s move on to some other players, some tantalizing and some disgraceful to the game. Witness.

Zac Stacy- 26 carries for 134 yards and 1 reception for -5 yards on 3 targets. Stacarella abused the vaunted Seahawks defense and most likely would have received a chance or two to punch it in on the Rams’s final drive if not for spraining his ankle, keeping Saint Louis’s incredible streak of games without a rushing TD. That will change this week and Stacy will pound in a couple as he is miraculously practicing in full already. Stacy reminds me of myself they way he thrusts into clogged holes yet somehow finds a way to penetrate. It is a glorious  gift so few of us have and it must be praised. When he see’s a true glory-hole he quickly finds it and get’s to the second line of defense where Stace enjoys punishing linebackers and defensive backs with his hippo like virtue.

Dez Bryant- 3 receptions for 72 yards with 2 TDs on 6 targets. Dezzy “make a straight girl out a lezzy” Bryant took a lot of heat this past week and was cast as the red headed step child to Calvin Johnson. Nobody I saw, other than myself, pointed out that Bryant made 2 of the 5 best plays of the entire week. He’s not Calvin but he’s most definitely in 2nd place when it comes to receivers I’d have sex with my best friends’s wives to own on my fantasy football team. And another thing; Bryant’s team was in position to win the game. There would be no scrutiny if Dallas hadn’t utterly blown the game which they had in hand, or if Dallas targeted and moved Dez around in the fashion the Lions do. Who would you rather have in fantasy last season? Well if you answer’d Dez, you would be correct, as Calvin came up shorter than a midget at a urinal when it came to scoring TD’s last season. Have faith in Bryant and witness his superhuman capabilities weekly, for no one puts forth more effort than the guy Deion Sanders F#cked over in his last year in college. No one.

Kris Durham- 4 receptions for 54 yards on 6 targets. Here’s a reason why Calvin Johnson receives so many jump balls; Kris Durham is the Lions other starting wideout at the moment. How this man continues to make an NFL roster year in year out blows my mind but hey he came up with a big catch against Dallas and has exceptional size. I could see him getting a score if you’re truly desperate and need a miracle. Possibly two in any given week. Sounds like a plan that would work for me but possibly not for mortals. Pray to the Elder Gods as I do, and you may be rewarded.

Kenny Stills- 3 receptions for 129 yards with 2 TDs on 4 targets. Ooooooooh, I like this guy right here. With Jimmy Graham in fierce and never ending pain, and Marques Colston falling off like a bad bag of dope, Stills could step to the forefront and receive a couple long TD opportunities in every game. Don’t get it twisted, Colston is finico as far as I’m concerned and needs to be benched immediately. I have no problem inserting Stills at the WR3 spot going forward. Expect more long balls. Stills balls run deep ya’ll.

Jimmy Graham- 3 receptions for 37 yards with 2 TDs on 3 targets. Jimmy Graham was my favorite player in the NFL and 2 weeks ago I wouldn’t have traded hims straight up for any player in the NFL. This week? I’m trying to trade him for number 1 RB or WR. Obviously it would be nice if you had another decent option at tight end, with Ben Watson even working in my opinion. This injury breaks my heart, for I witnessed the same thing happen to Antonio Gates a couple years back in a season I made the finals and lost on a tie. Gates tried to play through for multiple weeks but ended up shutting it down. Now, Graham looked great when he was out there, whereas with Gates it was much more noticeable but I just can’t sit back and wait for it to happen. I happen to own Vernon Davis and my Jordan Reed who I’ve been swallowing for the past few weeks on Razzball. You may not have the same luxury but see what’s out there. It truly is a shame that this has occurred for Graham would have no doubt broken records this season. If he get’s you a TD every single game it’s obviously still all good but I wouldn’t count on it. It huuuuuuuuurts, JIMMY, WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?

Kenbrell Thompkins- 0 receptions for 0 yards on 1 targets. You’re not still rostering this failure are you? If so, cut him immediately for Dobson or any other desperation play you want to throw out there. Facing Pittsburgh this week, makes him absolutely worthless. Gronk, Amendola, Vareen, and Dodson should receive the bulk of the receptions going forward as Thompkins(DID I SPELL HIS NAME RIGHT SKY?) is showing us why he went undrafted and not even the great Tom Brady can manipulate him into putting up average numbers. Drop it like it’s hot.

Emmanuel Sanders- 7 receptions for 88 yards with 1 TD on 11 targets. Sandy has put up 2 big games on the season and continues to see a great deal of targets. Obviously Antonio Brown is the better player, but Pittsburgh throws all day so Sanders is always a threat to get close to 100 yards. Can you imagine how putrid this offense would be without him? Kind of like Two and Half Men without Charlie Sheen.Or kind of like Sheen’s new show, Anger Management. My most sincere apologies if you enjoy that trash. Time to invest in HBO or download their shows illegally if you on a budget.

Andre Ellington- 15 carries for 154 yards with 1 TD and 2 receptions for 8 yards on 2 targets. Now that’s what I was waiting for! Lil Dre Dre has shown glimpses of big play ability all season long but Coach Bruce Arians has insisted upon giving carries to the plodding Mendenhall. Ellington should continue to receive 15 or so touches a game, and his pass catching abilities give him a decent chance of finding the end zone. He’s a solid bye week fill in going forward and a possible RB2 if Mendenhall goes down again or Arians comes to his senses and goes with the obviously superior Ellington/Taylor combination.

Harry Douglas- 12 receptions for 121 yards on 18 targets- Believe I mentioned Harold the past two weeks and here he is yet again, gracing us with his presence in Beddict’s weekly smorgasbord of fantasy food for the brain. 18 targets is simply too many to ignore, and Douglas is a must start at this point. The Falcons are in deep trouble and will continue to try and throw their way out of it. Take heed.

Golden Tate- 5 receptions for 93 yards with 2 TDs on 7 targets. My Seattle Seahawks lost Sidney Rice to a torn ACL and Tate owners will without question receive some of the benefits. With Percy Harvin seemingly nowhere to be found Tate should be counted on for 8-10 targets a game for the rest of the season. The loss of Rice is devastating for the Hawks Super Bowl chances in my opinion. Though he was having a terrible season, Rice was the only go up and get it red zone threat the Seahawks had on the roster. When and if Harvin comes back, Seattle will have the smallest wideout core in the NFL. Sad times for your boy Beddict. Good times for Tate owners who care nothing about the fortunes of the Seahawks. Jermaine Kearse is a decent desperation play this week as I say he gets a score. That’s right. Hello 8-1.

Pierre Garçon- 7 receptions for 46 yards on 11 targets. I’ve had about all I can take from RG3 as he is killing the value of Garçon along with Jordan Reed. At this point I think it’s even fair to say Kirk Cousins might be a better option for them. I don’t own Griffin in any leagues but I expected Da Frenchman to have a 1,500 yard season with 8-10 touchdowns. That’s obviously not going to happen but I’ve been praying to the Elder Gods and my chicken just produced 3 eggs, which is always a good sign of future success. A home matchup against the Chargers of San Diego should help get things going.

Steven Jackson- 11 carries for 6 yards and 3 receptions for 7 yards on 5 targets. ……………………#Disgrace!!!! Follow me on twitter please.

Brian Hartline- 4 receptions for 37 yards on 6 targets. Everyone loves white receivers don’t they? Well I don’t. I hate them with the passion and fury of the entire Black Panther Party. How this bum received a 30 million dollar extension makes me wonder how I never made the NFL. We’ve been knowing Hartline is allergic to the end zone so unless you play in a PPR league this guy is un-ownable in my opinion. Kill Whitey.

Chris Ivory- 6 carries for 11 yards and 0 receptions on 0 targets. Wow, I was one of the few who expected a decent performance from Ivory against a stout Bengals run D this week and I was obviously Dead Wrong. I thought Ivory had so much style, he should be down with the Stylistics, but obviously the inept Jets were out of this game within 7 minutes, forcing the lesser man but better pass catching Bilal Powell into the game. I believed Ivory would have a 1,000 yard season for the Jets and that’s not happening, but don’t give up hope yet. If you’re desperate throw him back in there this week against the Saints and hope the Jets defense actually comes to play, letting Ivory grind it out against the franchise that birthed his career, then coldly traded him away. How could you be so heartless. Horrible song.

Tedd Ginn- 5 receptions for 80 yards on 6 targets. I’m intrigued here, I really am. If you play in a league such as mine, where you receive a point for every 20 yards on kick and punt returns Ginn has WR3 value. Yes it’s risky, and you’re kind of depending on the big play, but Ginn has become the Panthers 3rd most reliable pass catcher behind the pint sized Steve Smith, and the never quite living up to my expectations, Greg Olsen. Always a threat for the home run and those return yards hold value.

Timothy Wright- 5 receptions for 48 yards with 1 TD on 8 targets. I refused to acknowledge this dude’s presence until now, but after watching him play, I actually kind of like him. Mike Williams is done for the year meaning Wright could end up with the second most targets each and every week for the winless Buccaneers going forward. Not this week against MY Seahawks of course, but after that. It could be worse. You could have started Fauria the past 2 weeks.

And there you have it my friends, another 2,200 plus word manuscript on how to achieve fantasy glory by the one and only talented Mr. Beddict. As per usual I am here for you questions and comments, and they will be responded to in what shall seem like no time whatsoever. Feel free to follow me on Twitter at @TeholBeddict47, where you shall receive my thoughts on all sports and life in general. Can you at least try and help me get a quarter of my boy The Guru’s followers? It’s getting embarrassing. Speaking of the Guru, listen to me almost every Friday on his Sports Junkies radio show, where we drop nothing but straight fire on that ass. Peace out.

  1. Sky

    Sky says:
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    You got Kenbrell right. Now ‘Dodson’ on the other hand… :)

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Sky: WHOOPS. my bad. those tricky Patriots wideouts

      • Sky

        Sky says:
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        Ha, no prob my man.

  2. D Rich says:
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    Tom Brady? What is going on there? I have Gronk and let me tell you I am concerned…no, not for his health but for the fact his qb sucks!! There has to be something deeper here…I’m thinking a Pau Gasol situation. What teamate do you think is tagging Gisele? Alsol, when will Gronk score

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @D Rich: Brady is nervous that Mallett is going to steal his job, as he’s obviously more talented. I would say Amendola AKA da bitch slayer is tagging Gisele. And I’d say Gronk gets two this week. thanks for stopping in RIiiiichy

  3. sumit says:
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    i have graham and have similar thoughts.
    looks like an offer is shaping up where i can move him for forte str8 up. take it?
    (.5 ppr, 2rb, 2wr, 1te, 1wr/te, 1rb/wr)

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @sumit: oh yea. i’d do that in a heart beat as thats’s a better offer then I was able to get. n ice work

  4. forwhomthejoiquebelltolls says:
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    picked up marvin and didn’t start him, picked up durham and started him, also picked up ginn and benched him and I played hartline so you can guess how my week turned out…I have the best 2-6 fantasy football team ever assembled. So definitely time to drop hartline?

  5. yeshcheese says:
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    Dude! Set your lineup! JB’s 8-0 gloating is killing me!

    • Tehol Beddict

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @yeshcheese: dude fuck that. that win should just be added to my team. he knows who the better team is. and thats without julio cobb and spiller to name a few. i really wish i didnt fuck that up though cuz it pretty much ended my season ahahha

    • JB Gilpin

      JB Gilpin says:
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      @Tehol Beddict: @yeshcheese: If by better team you mean hypotheticals, then sure. but numbers don’t lie!

  6. Chicken Dinner says:
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    My modesty is what makes me so perfect.

    • Tell Beddict says:
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      @Chicken Dinner: my momma always said a modest is a modest does

  7. The Thumb says:
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    How would you rank Stacy, CJ?K, and Gio B ROS?

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @The Thumb: this is gonna sound weird but prob Stacy. Cj, Gio. really hard to rank these three based on shonne greeene addition

      • The Thumb says:
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        @Tehol Beddict: thanks! I just wanted to know for a trade. Sold high on Graham and Gio and got Charles and TY Hilton. I have Reed as my backup TE and my RBs are now LeSean/Jamal/Bush

        • Tehol Beddict says:
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          @The Thumb: ur a phuckin legend in my book plaaaaaya

  8. David says:
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    Tehol, nice post.

    In 10-team ppr. slim pickings, have to choose one of the following this week. I’m starting drew davis at my flex and not confident. Here are other options from waivers:

    rod streater
    ted ginn
    myles white
    jerome simpson
    any ram WR (all available)
    jacoby jones

    also at RB, powell, ivory, starks, or tate?

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      Ginn @David: TEDD GINN SON

  9. The Dredd Pirate says:
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    So in a 10 teamer non ppr I am super deep at WR and RB I have SJAX Spiller Bush Ellington Ivory and Green. At WR I’ve got Welker, Decker, Hilton, Harvin, Amendola, Boykin. I was thinking of offering SJax Ivory and Decker for Jamal Charles what do you think? Trying to trade depth for stud.

  10. The Thumb says:
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    Friend Tehol, I’m starting to feel stupid about my trading Graham thus leaving me with Reed for the rest of the year. Please offer some kind words of reassurance.

    Gracias.

    • goodfold2 says:
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      @The Thumb: it couldn’t have simply been graham for reed str up. what else did you get?

      • The Thumb says:
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        @goodfold2: it’s an 8 team league so I’m gonna sound like a bitch but I got Charles/Hilton for Graham/Bernard. Problem is I now feel like I’m too deep at RB (Charles, McCoy, Bush, CJ?K, Stacy). Also I’ll probably never play TY as I have Megatron, Jordy, Percy, and Garçon.

        Sorry, you’re probably cussing me out right now, thing is that with a league this shallow almost everyone’s team is a dream team.

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