Let me start out by welcoming my loving, beautiful, adoring readers to the playoffs. If you didn’t make the playoffs you must just be reading for two possible reasons: 1) You want to hear how my pet chicken is doing or 2) You get off on reading borderline hateful, extremely spiteful, condescending rhetoric. I cannot blame you for either reason. My chicken is fine by the way, gleefully pecking at what few crumbs of food I can spare as I’m down to my last few schillings, thanks to your dearest Tehol betting the farm on the Seahawks against Miami two weeks ago(Thanks Razzball bet the farm). Yes, I literally bet my farm, and now myself and the chicken are forced to roam the streets looking for an internet cafe sleazy enough to allow me to type inside without getting complaints by other customers. The trick is finding the real “Emo” places, you know the ones where people dress like vampires and wear black pants so tight you wonder how in God’s name they got them on? Then having to offer the weird fellows in the spandex sexual favors to use their 1997 Dell laptops that they swear by, because PC’s are better for playing “World of Warcraft.” I haven’t reached that point yet……..not quite. Oh the things I do for Razzball. Enough about me blowing future mass murderers and posers for computer time. Let’s get to some fantasy football, which is my friends, what I do best.
Jason Witten- 6 receptions for 108 yards on 8 targets. How can a man be on pace for the record for receptions by a tight end and be ranked 10nth overall in the tight end rankings you might ask? The guy avoids the end zone like tubsters avoid the gym, like a black guy avoids a Klan rally, like mormons avoid the Adult Entertainment Awards, or how Carrie Fischer avoids the Oscars. Hold on, I’ve just been alerted that Fischer doesn’t avoid award shows, and that she’s just blacklisted for chain smoking and continually trying to bone Johnny Depp. Anyway, unless you’re playing in a ppr league, Witten is thee absolute most frustrating player to own in fantasy. Any of you boys/girls happen to see the game last week? Like, you have to physically put effort into not crossing the goal line in those situation. Witten is allergic to the end zone. I checked with his doctors and they confirmed my inner suspicions; Witten is literally allergic to the zone. Like, he will break into hives and go into convulsions right there on the field of play. Tis tragic really. Them Boys play in Cincy this week, and I highly doubt “Mr. fall down at the 6 inch line” gets a tub this week. The fact that I’m starting him doesn’t bode well for you as I am truly cursed in that particular league. Gronk, whyyyyyyyyy? Why have you forced me to play a man that is literally allergic to the end zone? Anyway, enough about me, or my life struggles, or even my poor chicken. Please send money. Seriously!
Vick Ballard– 9 carries for 41 yards with a touchdown and 3 receptions for 21 yards on 4 targets. Say hello to Mr. Vick Ballard, the most underrated play in fantasy this week. The few different rankings I have looked at, have Vick “the brick” ranked somewhere below the 25th best running back this week. Am I, the great and well endowed Tehol Beddict, missing something? Did the guys over at ESPN not get the memo that the horribly inadequate Donald Brown will not be playing, or use the printout letting them know that the Colts were playing the pathetically flaccid Colts defense as a nut rag like the ones Eddy Curry used to make his manservant pick up for him? Here is my solemn promise to you: Ballard will score for at least one touchdown this week and rush for a minimum of 95 yards. Lock it up, and when you make the semi-finals, tell them Tehol Beddict sent you. Word is bond.
Ryan Mathews– 9 carries for 26 yards and 3 receptions for 25 yards on 7 targets. Mathews is very similar to Brian Austin-Green’s new television show, and by that I mean they both are profoundly unwatchable and both should be dropped immediately. I would gladly take the aforementioned Ballard over this peon any day of the week, especially Sundays. How Green is banging Megan Fox, I have no idea. Or maybe it’s because she’s already washed up, refuses to eat, and for some reason thinks this former wannabe rapper from 90210 is still a legend. Is Green actually more famous than Fox right now? If you had told me that 3 years ago, I would have guessed you were smoking rock in your Grandma’s basement. Shocking, right? Do not, I repeat, DO NOT start Mathews this week.
Larry Fitzgerald– 1 reception for 23 yards on 7 targets. YIKES! I remember earlier in the season, one enthusiastic reader chided me, Tehol Beddict, for having the audacity of blasting Larry legend in my weekly post. Well, I wasn’t blasting Fitz per-se, as I was obviously just speaking more on the inferiority of the Cardinals quarterback situation. Well here we are again with Fitzy making the list, and I must add, it’s of no fault of his own. Having Lindley or Skelton as the man throwing you the ball, is like having Chris Farley as your diet coach(RIP). More than likely, you won’t be successful. Fat guy in a little cooooooat. Don’t start Fitzgerald until Kolb comes back.
P.S. Watching that Chris Farley clip makes me want to start doing drugs again.
Doug Martin-18 carries for 56 yards and 3 receptions for 42 yards on 4 targets. Is the muscle hamster flaming out harder than Katt Williams in his most recent trip to Seattle, or has he just been faced with tough match ups? I’d say a little of both. The running back has now been nicknamed the gerbil thanks to his recent ineptitude and Richard Gere approves! I mean, the gerbil only average 4 yards a carry while at Boise State so I wasn’t quite expecting him to set the world on fire, but he should turn it back up a bit in the fantasy playoffs with some juicy match-ups. I couldn’t resist adding this clip of Katt in the best scene of his life. PIMP DOWN! PIMP DOWN!!! Remember the good times Katt. That or get off the crank.
Eric Decker– 2 receptions for 17 yards on 2 targets. The Great white hope has performed like a great white piece of guano as of late, and I for one am losing patience. Maybe Peyton has finally realized he has a God in Demerius Thomas, who treats opposing db’s like Ray-J did Kim Kardashian, or maybe “The Deck” has been waiting to explode like Lisa Lampanelli after an all you can eat Italian buffet. I say he drops a deuce on the Raiders today. That mean scoring two touchdowns, not literally taking a dump on an Oakland Raider, though Mark Davis seems like he’s into that sort of thing.
Brandon Myers– 14 receptions for 130 yards and a touchdown on 15 targets. Does anyone in Oakland miss Zack Miller? Actually I’m quite sure almost every breathing human being on the planet has forgotten about Zack Miller. Seriously, is he one of the top ten most useless signings in the past decade? This isn’t about Miller though, thank God. Miller is so bad, unimportant, and useless he’s not even eligible to be written about, even though half of this weekly article is devoted to incompetent jokers. Can you tell I’m a bitter Seahawks fan?
Anyway, when checking out Myers recent statistics, my eyes almost popped out of my skull. No, it wasn’t the blow. Myers is blowing loads of fantasy points on the opposition on a weekly basis and I’m forced to only fantasize about what could have been if I owned him in a few leagues. Like Elton John at a gay bar, Myers knows how to score.
Heath Miller– 5 receptions for 97 yards on 6 targets. Most underrated player in NFL history? I would never even begin to think about drafting Heath Miller in fantasy, yet here he is again treating his opponents like low grade dog food. Not only does he catch everything thrown his way, but he’s faster then I ever thought possible. Somebody check this guy’s urine ASAP! I’m assuming he’s injecting whatever Lance Armstrong was doing. LIVESTRONG!!! What a D-bag. Lance, not Heath.
Mike Wallace– 5 receptions for 44 yards on 8 targets. An utter disgrace to the game of football as we know it. I haven’t seen this many dropped balls, since the 8th grade boys locker room. You can see he still has the speed of a mongoose on meth, but Wallace has checked out mentally and is ready to be paid. Pittsburgh will say “good riddance”. It’s a next man up type of team. Again similar to Elton John. “Ok I’m done with this guy. Next man up!”
Chris Givens– 11 receptions for 92 yards on 14 targets. This, ladies and gentlemen, is the epitome of what “Hard Targets” is all about. We now see that the Rams have identified their most explosive weapon and are desperately trying to force feed him the rock. I liken the Bills pass defense to a turkey with a gaping hole, and Givens as a fist full of stuffing. That’s right, the Rams are about to stuff Givens up Buffalo’s rectum, er, something like that. Givens goes long and deep like a porn star after an oyster eating binge. Start with confidence.
As always, your comments and questions will be responded to in a timely manor and I shall do my best to accommodate your every need. I’ll be waiting patiently for your responses at the emo bar. Happy playoff season!