Eradicator: “Dude, it’s OVER!”
Me: “What are you talking about? What’s over?”
Eradicator: “Everything men have been talking about for centuries; it’s all been washed away by keystrokes. This woman wrote abook about how guys act toward girls and is telling them to dump their man if he doesn’t put her first all the time. She is the “Deepthroat” of the modern male method of womanizing and it’s all going to come to a crashing halt.”
Me: “Dude what are you talking about? It’s probably just some Cosmo article. Relax.”
Eradicator: “I’m not kidding man, it’s a book and a lot of women are reading it and they are going to probably make a movie about it. So now we are all going to have to be Stu’s or girls will just ignore us.”
Me: “You can’t undo millions of years of evolution man. Girls will always like guys who have better things to do than hang out with them 24 hours a day and wait upon their every beck and call. “
There are players each season that disappoint the Fantasy Football Community and wreck our teams, leaving us left to pick up the pieces. Much like the loser/dependent slug of a boyfriend. So we have compiled a list of players, thus far that are slackers like Brian Spicoli. They had the world at their fingertips and yet they have disappointed us. There can only be one conclusion- “He’s just not that into you.”
LaDanian Tomlinson – Remember how “disrespected” he was coming in to the season about people saying he was getting older and that injuries were starting to catch up with him? First off how can you be “disrespected” by factual statements like that you are aging (aren’t we all?) and that you have gotten injured the past few seasons (haven’t you?) Turns out the people who drafted LT are the ones being “disrespected” now. Thanks for mutton LT.
Anthony Gonzalez – We were all so excited his inevitable targets and touches, benefiting from Reggie Wayne getting double-covered, etc. I hate your face, Anthony Gonzalez. You made me look a fool. I have moved on. Pierre Garcon is now my Indianapolis man-crush.
Brian Westbrook – Another player “determined to have a big year.” Thanks a lot fantasy ‘pert nitwits. I have been a huge Eagles fan since age 8 and not even I, who tend to be a homer, believed this one. Look I’m sorry to say this but LeSean McCoy- he’s not much of a downgrade.
Dwayne Bowe – Zero work ethic players really irritate me. In order to make it to the NFL and be lazy you must have such a ridiculous amount of natural ability which means if you put any effort in you’d be a perennial Pro-Bowler. He’s the new Braylon Edwards. I rest my case.
Derrick Ward – You sure got your revenge on the Giants, didn’t you? No first downs until the end of the 3rd quarter? Baltimore has a three-headed monster. Tampa Bay has a baby Three-toed Sloth. You were ranked like 48th Preseason. I thought I stole you in the eighth round of my PPR draft. I hate being “that guy” and now I am. As Ray Finkle’s mom would say: “Derrick Ward should die of Gonorrhea and rot in hell.”
Rashard Mendenhall – What is your problem? Whatever you did it really pissed Mike Tomlin off. For those that missed the news Mendenhall was being lazy in practice or something and subsequently got no touches. People who drafted you in the mid-rounds really appreciate that, buddy.
Eddie Royal – During the preseason I was ready to elope to Vermont with this guy. What was I thinking? This fairy-tale sleeper has turned a lot of fantasy owners season’s into “Friday the 13th” instead. What happened to all that “Denver version of Wes Welker” talk?
Terrell Owens – Sub-standard human being, flat out. As a scorned Eagles fan I have been waiting for this day to come and it’s finally here. He’s not Evander Holyfield washed up but he is a shadow of his former self, is playing with the worst quarterback and on the worst team of his career. I sent Bill Parcells a text message asking if he wants to come to my “I hate T.O. and he’s finally bad” party. I can tell he wants to come to it by the way he’s totally ignoring me.
Roy Williams – He looks wicked tough. Unfortunately just being huge doesn’t make you a good football player. I put him on the list of “players I won’t draft this season no matter what,” mostly because I hate the Cowboys, and I am glad I don’t own him.
Steve Slaton – Another player who had one good season then jumps in to the first round. Of all the guys on this list I do think he will deliver closest to his value. But I think if you picked him as high as some people did it was a huge risk. Steve, it’s intervention time. You’re on a prolific offense, you have a horrible back vulturing your goal line carries and fumbling all over the place, don’t you have any self respect? Start producing nowish!
Domenik Hixon – What a skinny whimp. Seriously, I drafted you. What was I thinking? In what universe could you have ever been the #1 receiver on any NFL team? New rule in effect- no more drafting dudes that look like Jaleel White.
Michael Turner – All the preseason talk about “who the best back is” makes me want to throw up. Who really cares? Pick one and hope he doesn’t get hurt. Michael Turner last year we all figured you would put up some decent numbers in Atlanta but nothing like the plow-fest that ensued last season. Welcome back to Earth, Michael. You are flat out not enough of an athlete to be considered a top 3 back. You are what we thought you were- a good NFL running back.
T.J. Houshmandzadeh – I fell for it again! The classic #2 receiver who finally gets “his chance” and shines in the limelight. I even touted you to other people. To make things worse you’re out there talking smack and not backing it up whatsoever. You are officially “that guy,” congratulations.
Devin Hester – You are going to set an all-time record for most consecutive seasons being over-hyped. Is it that difficult to turn blazing fast speed in to some sort of production? It shouldn’t be but apparently it is. At the end of your career you know what’s going to happen? The jerk coach from “The Mighty Ducks” is going to tell you like it is: “You’re not even a has-been, you’re a never was.”