I have a 17 week season to cover and by comparison to baseball, it’s usually pretty easy to come up with a title that I both feel comfortable with and feel hasn’t been abused to death at the point in which I post it. But that’s mainly because I rarely have to write about the same person twice as the lede within a given season. Well, tonight made that kinda hard to avoid. Welcome back to center stage, Giovani Bernard, and thank you from the multiple teams I own you on for your night. After giving you the nickname ‘GOB’ from Arrested Development, I realized this understood his ‘Illusionist’ nickname so I have decided not to rest on these known tropes. Instead, I’ll forge down the Duran Duran path because…yeah, no good reason. it’s a blog about fantasy sports and I’m not on the cover of Yahoo Fantasy so I do what I want to do, when I want to do it and whatever time I so choose. I’m a diva like that. But to be fair, I need to point you to this run: RIGHT HERE. That was some straight up Barry Houdini Sanders chit, y’all! Which brings me back to my nickname: The Illusionist. After GOB Bluth. Don’t fight it, it’s there. Let it roll of your tongue onto twitter with a #Razzball after it it and get the ball rolling! But in all seriousness, this is the guy many suggested you draft and this is why you drafted him: 104 total yards with 4 receptions and 2 TDs on a night that could’ve been deemed near to Fantasy Football worthless outside of defenses, Gio-B delivered and any team that doesn’t own him right now is just jelly. Moving forward, I’d normally be concerned with a ‘rookie wall’ but I don’t feel he deals with enough carries to make that a concern. The rib injury? Eh, maybe a small concern but it sounds like he avoided any major issues on that front. Moving forward, you still have yourself a cheap RB2 in both standard and PPR formats in my book. In other 2013 Fantasy Football news…
Lamar Miller – Jeopardy question in the form of an answer here. This player makes you most disappointed when he rushes for 105 yards and adds 25 yards receiving on 4 catches. Answer in the form of a question is, of course, ‘Who is Lamar Miller?’. Who is he indeed. He’s the guy who turns a 50 yard TD run into a fumble. Now I’m NOT saying jump ship here at all. Lamar looked as good as advertised. But I am saying Philbin is doing his best to get into this young man’s head and it’s a sad sight to see. Now admittedly, that fumble was awful on multiples levels. Clearly he lacked vision there. Cut to the left, touchdown. Cut to the right, pile of bodies to run into. But do I put him behind Daniel Thomas until the 4th quarter to ‘prove a point’? To put it in Lana’nese: NOPE. Poor coaching. Brought to you by #TNF. Sponsored by, co-hosted and closed captioning by: Joe Philbin. AKA, the guy with the crazy eye. If you tell me that’s the look of a man who makes fedoras out of the skin of women, I won’t argue with you.
Andy Dalton – So last week I said ‘blah, blah, blah, dude had a 9:6 TD to INT ratio coming into his 5:1 game, blah, blah, blah, I don’t really trust him this week, blah, blah, blah, Gingers have no souls’ and I’m pretty sure I’m 95% right on the mark with those statements. Now to be fair, Dalton SHOULD’VE ended with a TD pass and most likely 1 less INT but that’s besides the point. A 3 INT, 1 fumble night es no bueno and puts you back in the 15 and below crowd where I’ve been ranking you all year, Andy. Now utilize your red-head ESP powers for good and get Lindsay Lohan back on track. I miss feeling like an ok human being when I google images of her.
Marvin Jones – So it was better than the stats say. He should’ve had a TD but the refs decided Jermaine Gresham held someone. I don’t have the image to show you but I put it this way on twitter: Gresham held that guy for as long as I’ve held a dying body in my arms in my lifetime. Hint: I’ve held zero dying bodies in my arms in my lifetime. Marvin finished with 4/66 but deserved better. Yes, I’m now officially interested. Yes, you should drop the dying body on your roster for him.
Ryan Tannehill – The game went into overtime and he finished with just 208 passing yards. And yet he still outscored the ginger. Go figs. He looked fine given the context of the game and how difficult the defense was just like with Lamar, I just don’t trust Crazy-eyed Joe to make this team fantasy relevant this year.
BenJarvus Green-Ellis – He’s the mole to Eva Mendes’ lips, the teeth gap to Anna Paquin’s face, the chin to Robert Z’Dar’s…well, everything. We’re talking the things that make something that’s otherwise great seem ugly. Eva Mendes, I’m sorry I was reaching. It could be a second head growing there. I officially don’t care. Call me. But where was I? Oh yeah, Gio is awesome but the ‘distinctive mark’ that makes people hesitate is BJGE. It shouldn’t. The Law-Firm did his best job of mediocre lawyer and garnered 72 yards on 21 carries. If that’s who’s defending you, you better call Saul.
Mike Wallace – I watched the whole game and other than one catch for 40 yards, I remember zero of Wallace’s other catches as he totaled 6/82. Unlike his brother William, Mike hasn’t fired bolts of lightening from his arse in a while so it’s hard to talk about him like he’s fantasy relevant of late.
AJ Green – It’s weird calling an 11/128 night bad but on 19 targets with some major key drops, I’d say AJ was more like BJ…that was a letter grade joke and zero about it should be taken as an ennuendo but hehe, BJ…seriously though, not the best night for Green despite the stats. But you play fantasy so what do you care? The stats were awesome, suck it snitches!
Daniel Thomas – I sometimes wonder if coaches have the same problem with flavors of ice cream. Lemme try that Cedric Benson swirl please. But Mr. Philbin, you tried that flavor yesterday and you said it wasn’t any good. I know but I want to make sure…hrm, that tastes like disappointment and regret. You said that last week, Mr. Philbin…DT had 12 carries. That’s at least 7 more than he should’ve had. He finished with 38 yards and half the ypc that Lamar did. BUT LAMAR FUMBLED. And that’s all crazy uncle Joe cares about. PS, I’m no clairvoyant but when the Dolphins don’t reach the playoffs with this team, I have a funny feeling a coaching job will be open. Resume question: can you put up with Horacio Caine in and around your workplace? Answer: YEAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!