Welcome back, my lovelies! Here we are at Week 16 already! Wow, this time has really flown by this season. Okay, maybe not, but I was trying to be positive there for a second. Let’s be honest, this Fantasy Football season has totally blown dead bunnies, with Week 15 being the worst of the worst, well, not for my “Black Widow” Curse anyway. In that regard, Week 15 was like a feast fit for a King…or Queen in this respect. My Fantasy Updates were popping up faster than Welker on Molly with one injury report after another. Concussions and broken bones and severed spines, oh my! I think my curse gained at least 1500 pounds on the man souls it managed to gorge on over the weekend. And, like the true selfless beauty I am, I made sure it feasted on my own rosters, and not yours…well, not all of yours anyway. I am a giver as much as a taker. It’s all about balance. Most of you are in the same position as me right now, and it is not a pretty one. We are forced to look at fifth and sixth stringers and we’ve had to dig so deep in depth charts that we are close to striking oil or finding some old dinosaur bones or something. Whatever it may be, one thing is for certain, fantasy football is a game of chance, plain and simple, just like dating. So, let’s cruise the fantasy football version of match.com, see what rejects are left for us to pick up, so that we can continue to limp those hoopties into Week 16, and, by the grace of God, possibly a playoff victory. Get in, sit down, strap up, and hold on, my lovelies, it’s time for Hit it or Quit it, Week 16.
Harry Douglas – Thanks to Julio Jones having period cramps or something like that, Harry Douglas and Roddy White were two of my top performers in Week 15. Douglas caught 10 passes for 131 yards and was targeted a game-high 14 times in the Falcon’s Week 15 loss to the Steelers. Douglas has shown multiple times that he is the go-to man if White or Jones is unable to play and is showing some serious promise in PPR leagues. If Jones is unable to go again in Week 16, Douglas has some serious WR2 potential. At just 26% owned in most leagues, you are not going to get him if you are in any of my leagues, because I beat you to him. But, we can talk if you have something to offer. If not, this bae and I are exclusive. If you are not in one of my leagues, you may still have time to pick up this yummy option, at least before my Black Widow Curse decides that it is time to feast again. Don’t wait until closing time…Hit it.
Marquess Wilson – With Brandon Marshall succumbing to my Black Widow Curse and busting a rib through his chest, all Ridley Scott Alien style, this opens the door for Wilson to step up and really bust out. Wilson managed a solid 1,388 yards and 12 touchdowns as a sophomore at Washington State with a nice 16.9 YPC average. He can now slide in without much effort or foreplay involved and become an every-down player in Trestman’s offense. Look for him to have some really sexy WR2/3 appeal in week 16, especially with Marshall now on IR. So, what are you waiting for? I just told you this one needs no work or foreplay. Just jump right on in and Hit it.
Joseph Randle – Once again, my Black Widow Curse has opened some doors for some other young, juicy, and delicious potential talent. DeMarco Murray is now out, and is slated to have surgery on the broken bone in his hand, which has opened the door for Joseph Randle. With the news of Murray coming down, word around town is Dallas is looking at Randle to be the starting back. Randle is expected to handle early down work with Lance Dunbar and has some serious RB2 potential in Week 16. At just 9% owned in most leagues, you need to put away your jerk socks long enough to put in your waiver wire claim for him. Come on, you can diddle your dinglehoppers later…Hit it.
Malcolm Floyd – Okay, okay, yeah, I watched the game and I saw that Floyd went 3-34-0 on Sunday against the Broncos, but let’s be honest here, the kid had no chance against Denver’s corners. And yeah, the Chargers couldn’t get any separation or momentum, but honestly, Floyd could be a number one receiver for San Diego in Week 16, especially if Keenan Allen is out. Looking back, Floyd has always been a TD threat and with the potential upside of Allen sitting, he is looking better and better. Don’t let one boring game with little production sway you from this one. Even an elite escort has an off night now and again. At 44% owned in most leagues, people are catching on to the Floyd Wagon. And, at this stage of the season, our parts are just aching for WR’s. Keep an eye on Allen’s status. If he sits, Floyd has WR3/4 potential in Week 16 against San Fran. So, take a chance and you just might be satisfied beyond your wildest imagination…Hit it.
Carlos Hyde – Again, you can thank the Black Widow Curse for this one. Frank Gore went all mush brained in Week 15 which essentially threw the legs wide open for Hyde to pull right in. Raking in 55 yards on six carries, Hyde had to exit the game with an apparent back injury, which did not appear to be serious. What you do need to consider though is that Hyde also underwent an MRI on an injured ankle and his status for Week 16 is uncertain. Chances are, he will play and if he does and Gore is still ruled out, look for Hyde to have some really sweet RB2 upside against the Chargers. Remember, before he went down (hee hee), five of Hyde’s six carries went for no less than five yards. He is definitely worth keeping your eye on. At just 35% owned in most leagues, he may be worth a grab. Do what you want to do, but I am telling you to make sure you Hit it.
Joe Flacco – Why do I even have to include him on this list? Oh yeah, that’s right, 60% of you still own him. Why? I have no idea. I mean, come on! The guy looks like Bert from Sesame Street! Ok, sure, that should have no impact on his fantasy cache, but his ridiculous inconsistency should. He can score a combined 57 points against Carolina and Tampa Bay, but averages a puny 11.5 PPG the rest of the season? Ok, yeah, the rest of the schedule looks like he could walk through it in his sleep but why would you want to continue to give your attention to a man who hasn’t given you what you want? You shouldn’t. Lose this zero and get with a hero. Quit it.
Jared Cook – Watching Cook’s season is like watching a man with no hands try to masturbate, it’s just sad and frustrating, but there is nothing you can do to help him. Well, you could, but it may be illegal. He caught 3 of 7 targets for 22 yards in the Rams Week 15 loss to St. Louis. He was there physically, but one has to really wonder if he is worth the $7 million he is due in 2015. He is at a minus 8.3% downward trend and given that he faced teams who pretty much had no defense on TE positions all year, he did not take advantage of that at all. He is a player who makes one mistake after another and is probably going to be cut soon. Come on, you know you deserve better than this. I still don’t know why he is 33% owned in most leagues. Obviously you don’t think you deserve better. I am here to tell you that you do. You can thank me later. Move on and Quit it.
Cordarelle Patterson – I eluded to him in last week’s Hit it or Quit it when I encouraged you to Hit Jarius Wright, but I am calling this one out now. Cordarelle Patterson, it is time to go. Roping in 2 of 3 targets for 16 yards in Week 15, it is evident that Patterson is basically wallpaper at this point. He has had a disappointing and frustrating season and he is rife with hammy injuries and the like. He has been playing behind Charles Johnson, Greg Jennings, and Jarius Wright, which accounts for his lack of attention. Look, as a woman, I like a man who can step up and really take care of business, and Patterson is not it. He is still 53% owned in most leagues but should have been dropped weeks ago. When it’s over, it’s over. Time to go. Especially when there are so many other delicious prospects out there who will put out for you. I know it’s the end of the season and all, but end it while you can. Quit it.
Bishop Sankey – Rushing three times for 8 yards and catching one pass for an additional 18, I think it’s safe to say that Bishop Sankey’s time is up. Shonn Greene absolutely dominated in Week 15 and Sankey has not been playing well for the past couple weeks. Look, I own the guy in a couple of leagues and I only play him when I am forced to, like when my Black Widow Curse takes out everyone and I don’t have time to hit the waiver wire, but that does not mean I have to like it. Sankey has only produced a combined 15 or so fantasy points in the past 4-5 weeks and at this stage of the game, my lovelies, you deserve a better performance than that. This is playoffs, for Christ’s sake! Every man (or woman) for him(her)self! You know where you have your eye and this relationship was over a long time ago. It’s just time to make it official. Do it. You’ll feel better in the morning. Quit it.
Well, there you have it, my lovelies. Week 16 is in the bag. I have rather enjoyed our talks together this season and I look forward to continuing our sexy interactions. As always, love me, hate me, whatever, I am still the one with the writer’s credit. Make sure to follow me on Twitter for all of my fantasy musings, sports-related throwdowns, and general awesomeness. Good luck in playoffs! Until next time…
