I should’ve known it was black magic. Didn’t even need the woman to be involved. A Cleveland Browns passing offense that passes the eye test? Not possible they said. A QB that could withstand the pressure of playing behind a bad offensive line? ‘I’m incredulous’ said those who use the word ‘incredulous’ and actually know what it means. I blame Carlos Santana. Hey, there’s a catcher from the Indians named that so it’s apropos, people. But it happened for a couple of weeks that the Browns and their passing game was saved by their quarterback being – by both the stats test and the eye test – really not that bad. But of course it’s Cleveland and as we know, everything Browns eventually goes to Brown-town. Brian Hoyer left the Thursday Night Football game with a knee that couldn’t have been more shredded than the hillside of a snowboard instructor in Aspen. There’s nothing definitive as of this typing but for all intents and purposes, it didn’t look good at all and I wouldn’t be surprised if his season is over. I take partial blame as I’ve been snake-bitten with injuries this year and actually picked Hoyer up to stream this week in one of my leagues. Mea culpa. Moving forward, the skill position players are gonna have to learn what it means to go from good to bad and how to cope. The parts there are still good, but they lost a little luster for me tonight knowing it’s going to take a trade – unlikely – or a free agent pickup – possible? – to fix this mess. And just when I was about to say Cleveland Rocks…in other 2013 Fantasy Football news…
Brandon Weeden – Is Hoyer’s replacement. He was replaced by Hoyer a couple of weeks ago. That’s all you need to know.
Josh Freeman – Was released by the Bucs. He’s not great but he’s better than Weeden. That’s all the Browns management needs to know. BTW, Bucs management, I’m very good at denigrating useful assets. I’ll submit my cover letter and resume for a position at your headquarters shortly. Can I tele-commute? I have issues with states that produce bands like Creed.
EJ Manuel – Suffered a similar fate to Hoyer and is probably the better recognized name to start off a blog with for search engine purposes. But I’m a rebel, I do as I please. You just got ‘Hoyer Donde Va?’ stuck in your head and just wouldn’t let it go, right? I’d never cheat you like that, imaginary reader! BTW, what’s a good working title for this EJ business? Where’s the owner’s Manuel? Manuel Overdrive? Help me, help you. For cereals, it’s being called a knee sprain but there’s no word yet on the severity of it. It might require amputation. But that’s just one twitter source.
Willis McGahee – The old man just doesn’t quit. With a 26/72/1 line, maybe he should? McGreyhe needs to buy some Just For Men; he should hit up Emmit Smith and see if he gets any for free. For serious though, it’s hard to gauge how good/bad McGahee would’ve been tonight because I don’t think we saw the Browns real offense. Then again, given how bad that injury to Hoyer looked, maybe we did. Frowny face.
Robert Woods – Tonight literally went wrong in every facet for how I saw things playing out. I thought Haden would’ve been draped all over Stevie Johnson for the night and left Robert to roam free in the Woods. Instead, SJ left about mid-way and Woods had to contend with Joe head on for the rest of the night. The end line of 5/64 was aight but not why I ranked him as a solid WR3 start this week, fo shizzle.
Josh Gordon – Somehow, Weeden figured out that if you throw it to Gordon, he’d be able to catch it. Even if the throw was poor and he has to one hand juggle it. Like he did tonight. Finished the night with a 4/86/1 line and a note from a secret admirer (Hint: I signed it…in my own blood…no YOU’RE disgusting and creepy!)
CJ Spiller – Now I’m not doing this to say I was right. But I’ll put the stats to you like this. Seven rushes for 12 yards. One rush for 54 yards and a TD. Add them up together and tell me if saying to sit Spiller was really all that of a crazy idea, especially considering how the season has started.
Zach Sudfeld – Was dropped by the Pats on Thursday. He still beats them in drops on the year, though.
Jordan Cameron – My predictions for a Hoyer-led offense included at least 22 touchdowns for Cameron on the night and roughly 1007.2 receiving yards (give or take a tenth of a decimal; it’s not an exact science, people) but unfortunately, Jordan got Weedenwhacked. Still like ROS, which makes me sound like Rachel from Friends but my nips aren’t as glorious.
Jeff Tuel – I don’t know who this guy is. Looks like the college kid that bagged my groceries last week and put the eggs on the bottom based on his espn pic. You dumb SOB and you did it without a rubber band. Amateurs! Whatever, there’s nothing to talk about here so I’ll just give you my response to a Tweet about a joke.
Cleveland Defense – I called them the #1 defense for the week and guess what? Go look at your defensive scoring leaders for the week, snitches! Yeah! Crap, week’s not over. I blame Obama.
Daryl Richardson – Woah, woah, Joey-inflected ‘WOAH’ here. D-Rich don’t play the TNF this week! I know, I know, just pointing out that – per his twitter – Daryl won’t be starting this week for the Rams. So we’ll just have to figure out which of his brother Daryls are before we proceed. Yeah, even in the deepest of leagues, you gotta prolly sit these guys. I don’t care how cheap they are on Stubhub, this is decidedly not the tickets to the greatest show on turf I thought I’d bought.
Fred Jackson – Fjax can thank the refs for placing the ball inside the five yard line twice for his two TD rushes on PI calls. Considering I told many to start him over Spiller this week, I guess I should thank them too. Hey, if I can’t claim an awesome CJ call, I’ll consider this the Fantasy God’s way of saying ‘I’m a jerk…here’s a mulligan’.
Fantasy Revelations Podcast – I did said podcast last night after the game with @Revel_Nathan and @Revel_Adam. At one point, I took off my pants. Bonus points for the person who listens and can hear the sound of them sliding off and can point out the minute marker when it happens!