It was a thrilling, exciting, pant-tenting, almost sublime 30 hours of Fantasy Football binge watching. I need an afterglow cigarette. Following Sunday nights/Monday morning Raiders/Chargers late night tryst, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing only my Ken Stabler throwback trying to piece together what exactly went down and where I left my pants. I seem to remember having visions of Al Davis shaking hands with Hitler in Hell as he bragged about drafting Terrelle Pryor and I have a hazy recollection of Tony Romo throwing for 500 yards, pooping his tighty whities and blowing up the twitterverse. Before the blackout, I remember Tom Brady and Colin Kaepernick combining for less points than Ryan Tannehill and it may have been the Red Bull/Jager combo, but was there a David Wilson touchdown? These things happened, right? As the head begins to clear, it is time to examine our fake football rosters, take a long look in the mirror and face the cold hard facts – your team sucks and I have a drinking problem. Call it a fantasy intervention of sorts, but it is time to pull yourself up off of the cool bathroom tiles, dig deep into the waiver wire bargain bin and turn this season around or you’re going to find yourself bunking with Stephen Adler on Celebrity Rehab. It’s time to jam it or cram it. Anyone have some Advil, I gotta call my sponsor.
Jam or Cram: Nick Foles, QB, Philadelphia Eagles
Availability: 97% Yahoo, 99% ESPN
Stat Me Up: Foles put up 16 fantasy points Sunday, completing 16 passes for 197 yards and 2 touchdowns.
$$$ Value: $2. If you return all those Bud Light cans from the weekend you can afford this.
The Gist: We all knew it was coming. No, not the Romo interception, but the Michael Vick is going to break himself eventually watch. Well, Vick is out for Sunday and probably longer with a hamstring problem. Up steps the mighty Nick Foles to play quarterback and Chip Kelley must be quietly considering coaching Savannah Sate.
The X-File: Foles will face a Buccaneer defense that has given up about 20 points per game to fantasy QBs through their first four games.
Jam it or Cram it: With Matt Ryan and Tannehill on byes this week perhaps Foles is worth rolling the dice on. There are worse things you could do. Like starting Matt Schaub. Deep leagues, 2 QB leagues, the drunk and the desperate could jam on Foles. Everyone else, CRAM.
Jam or Cram: Andre Ellington, RB, Arizona Cardinal
Availability: 78% Yahoo, 96% ESPN
Stat Me Up: Ellington had 52 yards on seven carries and caught four passes for 31 yards while scoring 8.30 fantasy points against Carolina on Sunday.
$$$ Value: $4. Even the most Scrooge McDuck’s of us know value when we see it.
The Gist: I’m a fan of “My dinner with Andre” and have been saying for weeks he’s going to be the main man in Arizona. Being the main man in Arizona is about as much fun as being the prettiest dude on your cell block.
The X-File: Starter Rashard Mendenhall is averaging 3.2 yards per touch this year, Ellington is at 6.7. What’s the difference between the two? Four. Math is fun, buy an abacus.
Jam it or Cram it: Head coach Bruce Arians needs to treat Ellington like a Darren Sproles/Reggie Bush type which means actually giving him the ball more than 10 times a game. Ellington get the 49ers this week, then the Seahawks, but it’s smooth sailing after that. Grab Andre, put on some Boys II Men and slow dance. JAM
Jam or Cram: Terrance Williams, WR, Dallas Cowboys
Availability: 84% Yahoo, 98% ESPN
Stat Me Up: Following a 7/71 performance in Week 4, Williams went all Drew Pearson for the ‘Boys with four catches for 151 yard, a touchdown and 23 fantasy points.
$$$ Value: $3. I’m willing to spend on the things I like. I just bought a Jimmy Snuka action figure on eBay.
The Gist: Williams has 28 fantasy points the last two weeks, which is more than Roddy White, Megatron and Terrell Owens combined. Ok, T.O. isn’t actually playing, but you get where your Guru is going here. If Tony Romo is going to keep slinging it, Williams is a solid WR3.
The X-File: Miles Austin is nursing and is likely to sit again this week against a bad Washington secondary.
Jam it or Cram it: When looking at Williams I said to myself, “Beware the one hit wonder.” But two weeks of solid production makes Williams more Springsteen than Springfield. *cue “Jessies Girl”, add Williams* JAM
Jam or Cram: Tyler Eifert, TE, Cincinnati Bengals
Availability: 83% Yahoo, 91% ESPN
Stat Me Up: Eifert had five catches on seven targets for 53 yards.
$$$ Value: $1. I will only buy tight ends at the Dollar Store going forward. It is also the place I do all my grocery shopping. Mmmm…Beef-a-roni and Slim Jims.
The Gist: The Notre Dame rookie is becoming one of Andy Dalton’s favorite targets besides five feet over A.J. Green’s head. Eifert was second on the team in targets Sunday and has averaged about five fantasy points a week. Why do you keep starting Kyle Rudolph?
The X-File: Eifert faces a Bills defense that held Jordan Cameron to 36 yards on three catches in Week 5.
Jam it or Cram it: One of these weeks Eifert is going to put up 10 catches, 120 yards and three touchdowns. It just won’t be on my team. I picked up Charles Clay in Week 2. CRAM
Jam or Cram: Carolina Panthers Defense/Special teams
Availability: 66% Yahoo, 70% ESPN
Stat Me Up: Carolina scored 9 fantasy points in Sunday’s loss to the Cardinals.
$$$ Value: $1. Spend a buck, stream a defense.
The Gist: Carolina has one of the top 5 scoring defenses in the league and will be facing a Minnesota team so desperate for a quarterback they interrupted Josh Freeman mid bong hit, handed him a pile a dough and a Vikings helmet.
The X-File: The Panthers are averaging over 15 fantasy points in their last two games.
Jam it or Cram it: The last two weeks I have jammed the Rams (15 points) and the Colts (23 points). Trust the Guru’s stream. JAM. Something about that sounded really dirty.
Thanks for hanging in the Razzball lounge. Follow The Guru on Twitter @TheGuruGS for the daily jam or cram, fantasy roster 411’s and other gooey shenanigans.