If you’re reading this, congratulations. *high-five, chest bump, leg sweep* You are a Fantasy Football champion. Enjoy the bragging rights, the celebration, the confetti cannon and all the glory and glory holes that come with it. Here’s hoping you made a little green in your victory this season as well. New Years in Cancun! Or at least Tijuana. If you’re still reading this and have no clue what the hell FFB is, apologies. The Jammy/Crammy Awards have nothing to do with the AVN awards if that’s what you were googling, but probably could considering Trent Richardson’s off-field film making. As far as your humble-but-nonetheless-handsome Guru’s season goes, I went 1-1 in the RCL League Championships and 4-5 in all the other fake football Stupor Bowls I played in. Not bad. Five championships out of sixteen leagues. Yes, I am a fantasy junkie and with the season over the DT’s are setting in. Get these spiders offa me!! When does baseball start? Is there Fantasy Ping-Pong? If there is such a thing, make sure you draft Ma Long number one. He’s the king of epic shots. With all that said, let’s get right to the easiest fantasy column ever written: The year-end list. Here are your 2013 Jammy and Crammy Award winners.
**players drafted outside the top 200 players
Nick Foles, Philadelphia Eagles: Foles averaged 20.51 fantasy points a game this season, just behind Drew Brees and Peyton Manning. Little Nicky had three games with over 30 points and one game in which he totaled over 45 – the third most QB points in FFB since 1960. Yes, they played Fantasy Football in the 60’s while cranking “In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida” and licking sugar cubes soaked in lysergic acid. Far out, man. If you picked up Nickfolean Dynamite back in Week 5, go give Tina some ham. If you actually drafted Foles this year, I surrender my slightly soiled turban to you. You must have went to college. Your mom goes to college.
Zac Stacy, St. Louis Cardinals: Stacy was just outside the Top 10 running backs this year in average fantasy points per game at 12.80, finishing ahead of guys like C.J. Spiller, Ray Rice, Alfred Morris, Frank Gore and Trent Richardsuck. Stacy’s average draft position was 200 and his predraft ranking was outside the top 50 running backs. Players taken ahead of Stacy included his St. Louis teammates Daryl Richardson and Isiah Pead. Once again the experts failed you miserably. Direct your hate filled tweets here.
Keenan Allen, San Diego Chargers: Allen’s average draft position was 262. He finished as a Top 20 WR with 139.70 points in standard leagues. Allen outscored Victor Cruz, Wes Welker, Mike Wallace and Dwayne Bowe. If you were jamming on him early, use your fantasy winnings to buy us all a round. Cheers.
Julius Thomas, Denver Broncos: The Orange Julius was one delicious tight end this season. That somehow sounds perverted. Now this is also one delicious tight end, but I digress. JT finished the year in the Top 3 behind Jimmy Graham and Vernon Davis. Thomas’ average draft position was outside the Top 200 and most experts had guys like Tyler Eifert and Zach Sudfeld ahead of him. Oh, and how’d that early pick on Jared Cook work out? *punches self in face*
Carolina Panthers: One of the rules of Razzball is don’t talk about Razzball. Unless you’re on TV, radio, a podcast, Twitter, CB or chatting up babes at the Playboy mansion. The other rule is: don’t waste your picks on defense. The Panthers defense was ranked behind the Jets, the Chargers and the Redskins headed into the draft. If you snagged them when your Guru said “jam” back in October, you’re welcome.
Stephen Gostkowski, New England Patriots: Can’t we just give all the kickers a Crammy Award? Gostkowski did finish in the Top 50 in fantasy scoring this season and we here at Razzball would like to present Stevie with this special award in appreciation.
**players drafted in the top 50ish
Robert Griffin III, Washington Redskins: There were some real disappointed fantasy ballers crying in their beer and dabbing the tears with their RG3 jerseys after Griffin hit the sophomore slump and ended up in Mike Shanahan’s doghouse which is soon to be condemned. Sure it hurt that Aaron Rodgers – and to a lesser extent Sam Bradford and Michael Vick – went down, but expectations were high on the Griff. He was drafted as a Top 10 QB and finished the year behind guys like Andy Dalton, Philip Rivers and Alex Smith. Alex freakin’ Smith.
Trent Richardson, Indianapolis Colts: The fantasy landscape is littered with the rotting corpses of running backs that ruined your fantasy season: Doug Martin, Arian Foster, David Wilson. But injuries played a large part in that and if you can predict injuries you must be some sort of Nostradamus. Give me some lottery numbers. While C.J. Spiller is worthy of a crammy as well, Richardson was actually healthy all season and was just as impotent on the Colts as he was with the Browns before the trade. Those that drafted him in the first round were playing Fantasy NASCAR in early November. Come to think of it, I’d take Danica Patrick over T-Rich as well. Unfortunately, she only runs left.
Victor Cruz, New York Giants: Ranked as one of the Top 10 WRs to start the season, Cruz probably wished he had the other Manning throwing him the ball and I don’t mean Peyton. Victor would have settled for Cooper Manning. Cruz finished the year with less points than Riley Cooper, Julian Edelman and Marvin Jones. Now everyone Salsa over to the losers table. Hi, Sky.
Fred Davis, Washington Redskins: Jared Cook deserves a mention here and so does Rob Gronkowski, but at least Gronk had an excuse. There was no excuse for Fred Davis. Projected as a Top 10 tight end (yes, we’re looking at you Yahoo!), Davis finished as the 2353rd ranked player just behind Robert Turbin. Who? Exactly.
Houston Texans: Once again this is why you don’t spend early on a defense. The Texans were the third defense taken off the board just behind Seattle and San Fran. Average draft position? The tenth round. Where did they finish up? The 2637th highest fantasy scorer in the league. What a coincidence. This is the 2637th favorite column I’ve ever written.
Every other kicker gets a Crammy. Play in an IDP League next year, my sexy Razzballers.
Thanks for jamming and cramming this year. We missed some, hit a few and I think we all learned a little more about ourselves: We are the world, we are the children. I’ll be donning my Fantasy Baseball turban in 2014. Santa brought me a bedazzled one. Happy Festivus, everyone. Air your grievances below and follow my musings on Twitter @TheGuruGS.