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Welcome once again my festive fake footballers to the Razzball Lounge. Championship week has arrived. As the Fantasy Football season comes to it’s merciful end, it’s time for one more visit to the lounge where we fake football scribes have gathered for our annual Razzball Holiday Spooktacular. It’s that time of year where we don our Santa hats, show off our Christmas balls  and toss back warm eggnog spiked with a combination of Canadian Club and rohypnol. The ladies love it!  As championship weekend approaches, we find a humbug filled Sky slowly rocking back and forth muttering the words “muscle hamster” over and over. There’s JB settled under the Christmas tree like a drunken Linus, “Did Santa bring me a Luke Kuechly jersey?” At the jukebox we find J-FOH dropping quarters, playing “The Hanukkah Song” for the fifth time and singing, “drink your gin-and-tonic-ah, and smoke your mara-juanic-ah…” *bottle smashes above head* Meanwhile, the one and only Tehol Beddict asks this young lady, “Wanna see my Festivus pole??” And here at the pool table is your humble holiday sweater wearing Guru contemplating his final jammer/crammer list of fantasy ballers that’ll score you the Shiva, bragging rights and maybe enough cash to spend New Years in Vegas. *closes eye, takes aim, sinks eight ball off two rails, drops shot glass into pint, downs boilermaker, throws up on waitress* “God bless us, every one.”

 

Jam or Cram: Kirk Cousins, QB, Washington Redskins

Availability: 89% Yahoo, 97% ESPN

Stat Me Up: 23.24 Fantasy points. Cousins completed 29-of-45 passes for 381 yards, three touchdowns, and two interceptions. RG who?

$$$ Value: If you made it this far, you probably don’t need a quarterback. But if you do, kiss this Cousin.

The Gist: Cousins got his first start after Mike Shanahan attempted to get fired by benching RGIII and he torched the Falcons for nearly 400 yards and three scores. Great news for Pierre Garcon owners. Great news if you’re trotting Joe Flacco, Matt Ryan or Carson Palmer out there this week thinking you can win a championship.

The X-File: In four appearances over two years, Cousins has completed 62 of 93 pass attempts for 847 yards, seven touchdowns, six interceptions, and a QB rating over 100.

Jam it or Cram it: Cousins will face a Dallas D on Sunday that allowed Matt Flynn to score five TDs…in the second half. If you reached the finals playing the stream game at QB, Cousins could be an early Christmas present in Week 16. If you don’t need him, but have room, you could always snag him so your opponent doesn’t. You’re a mean one, Mr. Grinch. JAM

 

Jam or Cram: Matt Asiata, RB, Minnesota Vikings

Availability: 93% Yahoo, 99% ESPN

Stat Me Up: 24.60 points. Asiata rushed 30 times for 51 yards and three touchdowns. *slow clap*

$$$ Value: Save your cash for Christmas shopping. I do all my shopping at 7-11 on Christmas Eve. Batteries and beef jerky for everyone!

The Gist: If you were one of the six people that started Asiata and his three career carries on Sunday, I surrender my dirty turban to you. Disregard the tabouli smell. With AP and Toby Gerhart both out, Asiata rushed 10 times more than he ever has and while the yardage wasn’t exciting the three scores were.

The X-File: In one start, Asiata tied the Vikings record of most rushing touchdowns in a single game. An Asiata statue is currently being erected in downtown Minneapolis next to Prince and Mary Tyler Moore.

Jam it or Cram it: Great game Asiata. Nice pickup for those psychic Fantasy ballers out there. He’ll never be heard from again. With Peterson and Gerhart expected back this week, you can safely set Matt Asiata next to those other Hall of Fame Fantasy fillinski’s Tim Tebow, Mike Anderson and Samkon Gado. CRAM

 

Jam or Cram: Andre Caldwell, WR, Denver Broncos

Availability: 99% Yahoo, 99.9% ESPN

Stat Me Up: 17.90 points. Caldwell caught six passes for 59 yards and two scores last Thursday night.

$$$ Value: Do what it takes if you need him. Or just wait to grab him off free agency, he’ll be there.

The Gist: Caldwell’s performance filling in for the injured Wes Welker was the classic case of “this helped no one.” There was not a savvy Fantasy baller out there that started, let alone owned, Caldwell. That will change this week if Wes Welker is still nursing a concussion in a dark room with his drool cup wondering why that mean man with the giant forehead  is throwing footballs at him.

The X-File: Guru confession: When I saw Caldwell on the field I checked the waiver wire for Reche Caldwell. He’s not there. You’re welcome.

Jam it or Cram it: Reche’s brothers value is all dependent on the condition of Welker. Personally, I’m lighting a candle for Wes as I own him everywhere. If Wes stays concussed, I’m rolling the dice on Caldwell in the finals. Dear Santa, all I want for Christmas is a Fantasy Football Championship and a bottle of Islay. Oh, and a rocket launcher. JAM as needed, but I grab Cordarrelle Patterson first if he’s out there.

 

Jam or Cram: Delanie Walker, TE, Tennessee Titans

Availability: 57% Yahoo, 88% ESPN

Stat Me Up: 11.30 points. Walker had eight catches for 53 yards and a touchdown Sunday.

$$$ Value: Still playing tight end roulette? Give Walker a spin.

The Gist: There’s a bunch of tight ends on the wire, but Walker is the best of the bunch. Finally recovered from a concussion, he’s a big target and a red zone threat. Taking away the games he missed, Walker has at least eight targets in four straight games, scoring in three.

The X-File: Walker’s six TDs are the most by a Titans tight end since Frank “Music City Miracle” Wycheck caught six in ’96. That’s a Guru factoid.

Jam it or Cram it: Walker gets a sweet match up against the Jaguars this week. The Jags have given up the second most points to TEs on the season. Put him down as a top 7 TE for finals week. JAM

 

Jam or Cram: Cleveland Browns, DEF/ST

Availability: 75% Yahoo, 78% ESPN

Stat Me Up: 19.00 points. The Browns D did give up 30 points to the Bears Sunday, but they also had two interceptions, a fumble recovery and scored two touchdowns.

$$$ Value: Spend away if you need a D. You can’t take the cash left with you.

The Gist: The Browns defense may give up points, but they do get turnovers — 10 in the last seven games with three scores.

The X-File: Play in an IDP League? Take a look at DB Tashaun Gibson. He had over 30 Fantasy points last week.

Jam it or Cram it: The Browns play the turnover giving Jets Sunday. The J-E-T-S have a league-leading 28 turnovers this year. At least they haven’t butt fumbled. JAM


Jam or Cram: Phil Dawson
, K, San Francisco 49ers

Availability: 44% Yahoo, 27% ESPN

Stat Me Up: 20.00 points. Dawson kicked four field goals Sunday including a 47 and a 43-yarder.

$$$ Value: Spend all the cash you have left on a kicker just to rub it in your leagues face.

The Gist: Dawson has 18 FGs in his last six games.

The X-File: Dawson has booted a team record 24 consecutive field goals.

Jam it or Cram it: This is the last time in a while I’ll have to write about kickers. That’s one of the few positives about the season coming to an end. I’ll miss you my sweet Razzballer’s. Hold me! Oh, yeah, JAM on Dawson.

 

*BONUS TRACKS: WEEK 16*

Jason Campbell, QB, CLE: Campbell has averaged 25 Fantasy points in his last two starts. Worth a grab vs. the Jets in a 2QB League. JAM. Everyone else CRAM.

Jordan Todman, RB, JAC: Filling in for Maurice Jones-Drew, Todman carried 25 times for 104 yards and caught four passes for 44 yards. If MJD is out again with a hammy, then it’s a JAMMY. Otherwise, CRAM.

Cordarrelle Patterson, WR, MIN: Patterson caught five passes for 35 yards with a touchdown on Sunday. Cordarelle has double digit Fantasy points in five of his last eight games.  We be JAMMIN‘.

Zach Miller, TE, SEA: Miller and the ‘hawks face the Cardinals who are a sieve against TEs this year. I smell five catches, 60 yards and a score. JAM

Detroit Lions, DEF/ST: The Lions are an under-owned Fantasy defense. They’re averaging 2.1 sacks and 1.5 turnovers per game this season and face the Eli Manning interception machines this week. JAM

 

Thanks for hanging in the Razzball Lounge and good luck in the Shiva Bowl. Look , mistletoe. Leave a question below or hit me up on Twitter @TheGuruGS

78 Responses

  1. Dave says:
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    I’m in the finals Guru thanks for recommending sticking with Dan Bailey last week! I’ll probably continue with him against Washington right?
    I also have a QB dilemma in this 2 QB league I need to pick 2 of these four QB’s to start and I’m going up against Peyton Manning and possibly Aaron Rodgers (yes its not fair). So which of these Rivers (vs Oak), Big Ben (@GB), Cutler (@Phi), or Cousins (vs Dal)? Its 20 pass yards per point (so they have a bit more value than usual yahoo leagues) and 4 per passing TD if that helps decide.

    Thanks as always!

    • The Guru

      The Guru says:
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      Congrats!

      Might as well stick with Bailey.

      As for QBs. Going to go Rivers, Cutler. Cousins is tempting, but I’ll go with the guys playing for something in two potentially high scoring games.

      Good luck, Dave and thanks for Razzballin’ this season.

      • Dave says:
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        @The Guru Thank you! also I have Cleveland defense, keep them or go with other options like Buffalo (vs Mia), Detroit (vs NYG), Denver (@HOU), Chargers (vs OAK)?

        • The Guru

          The Guru says:
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          DET, CLE, DEN, all about the same. I’m going to say DET right now as the Giants have given up the most points to fantasy D/ST this year.

          • Aubrey Plaza's Pillow says:
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            @The Guru: cousins is playing for his job (whether with WAS or not, same as last year when he rocked the casbah, in less games than he should’ve due to bad coaching)

            • The Guru

              The Guru says:
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              Its a good matchup, but I’m not going to start him over Rivers, Cutler or even Dalton.

  2. Brown L says:
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    Caldwell, Greg Jennings, Welker, and Doug Baldwin are all out there on the waiver wire, and I could use some WR/Flex help for the championship game. (current WRs: Colston, K. Wright, Floyd, Ace Sanders, Marlon Brown) What would your priority pickups be?

    • Brown L says:
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      @Brown L: And Patterson is NOT available. Lost out on him last week.

      Also, standard league scoring.

      • The Guru

        The Guru says:
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        Welker would seem like the guy to add, but he’s not practicing yet and The Broncos have an easy matchup so they may hold him out. With that said, I like the matchups for Jennings and Baldwin this week.

        • goodfold2 says:
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          @The Guru: you like jennings @ CIN?

          • The Guru

            The Guru says:
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            Depends on the options. He’s just inside the top 30.

  3. A Few Good Mendenhall says:
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    With Larry Fitz concussed and playing @SEA , I’ll likely need a WR#3 for the championship week. Slim pickings, what you think?

    Marvin Jones v. Min
    Emmanuel Sanders @GB
    Jacoby Jones v. NE
    Andrew Caldwell @Hou

    Also, would you start whoever you like the best over Fitz if he is cleared?

    • The Guru

      The Guru says:
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      That Cincy vs. MIN matchup looks tasty. Marvin Jones may have a great game. I’m not liking Fitz this week, concussion or not.

  4. Dan says:
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    Could you put these WR’s in order for next week please ?

    James Jones, Jacoby Jones, Bowe, Caldwell, DeSean Jackson, Edelman, Nicks

    • The Guru

      The Guru says:
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      Jackson, Edelman, Bowe, James Jones, Nicks, Jacoby, Caldwell.

      Good luck, Dan.

      • Dan says:
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        @The Guru:

        Thanks for the help.

        I’m in a matchup with the guy who had the best record in the league, I had the second best.

        We start a lot of players 1 QB, 2 WR, 2 RB, 2 x w/r, 2 x w/t, 2 x w/r/t plus a def, k and 3 IDP’S. It’s only my second season playing, so I’d be happy with a runners up spot but I’d love to win it. It’s PPR.

        I have J Charles, so hoping for a repeat performance. He helped me put up the highest weekly total ever in the league, and I started Tamme at TE.

        Can I ask where do the receivers sit in relation to two some of my RB’s ? I have Bell (DET) and Bell (Pit), Matthews and Stacy as options in the flex positions as well as that list of receivers. I’m really asking which 6 you’d run out in the Flex positions.

        • Dan says:
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          @Dan:

          And the guy mentioned in the Cleveland Def write up is down in yahoo as Gipson.

          I’m English, no idea who’s correct. But in my part of the UK Gip is slang for being sick as in ‘did you see the angle of his leg after that tackle, it made me want to gip’

          • The Guru

            The Guru says:
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            A Futballer? Cool. I like Leveon Bell, Mathews and Stacy better than all your WRs. Sart them with Charles, Jackson and Edelman and you should be good to go.

            Yes, its Gipson. Typo. Blame the eggnog and the editor. Cheers

            • Dan says:
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              @The Guru:

              Excellent, thanks.

  5. Cameltoe says:
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    PPR Flex – CJ2K or Keenan Allen?
    Defense – Carolina D or stream the Cleveland Steamers?
    QB – Big Ben, Alex Smith or Luck?

    • The Guru

      The Guru says:
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      Allen, Luck and….so hard to sit that Panthers D….but I am going with the Steamers against the NY Turnovers.

      Good luck, Cam.

  6. Chicken Dinner says:
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    BUF vs MIA of CLE @ NYJ.
    My league only gives points for 0-6 p/against and doesn’t penalize for too many points or y/against. Basically a sack, TO, TD league.

    • The Guru

      The Guru says:
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      Im going Browns as the Jets turn it over a lot and the Dolphins have been playing well.

      Good luck, Mr. Dinner.

      • Chicken Dinner says:
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        @The Guru: Thank you kind sir.

        • Chicken Dinner says:
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          @Chicken Dinner: One more if I may, Vereen or Todman if MJD is out? PPR

          • The Guru

            The Guru says:
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            Gotta believe Vereen is back to form this week. *fingers crossed*

  7. Andrew says:
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    So…i made it this far on griffen and keapernick. Do I go for cousins this weekend? Also if Tate is out do I go with Dennis Johnson, Lamar Miller or Andre Brown as my RB2? Lacy is my RB1.

    • The Guru

      The Guru says:
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      Roll with Col’ Kaep.

      Is Rashad Jennings available? Bobby Rainey? No? Go with Brown and a prayer.

      • Andrew says:
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        @The Guru:
        Thanks. No Rainey or Jennings. Only RB on the wire is Richardson.
        Hopefully my Wrs are enough ..Allen Gordon and Megatron…

        • The Guru

          The Guru says:
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          They should be.

          Thanks for Razzballin’ this season, Andrew.

          • Andrew says:
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            @The Guru:
            Thanks for all your help this year!

  8. Ryan says:
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    Been lurking past few seasons, surfacing just to applaud the Malazan reference. Nice. And thanks for the great fantasy writing!

    • The Guru

      The Guru says:
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      Thanks for the read, Ryan. Hope to see you on the baseball side of things.

  9. Kid A says:
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    Going through my Fantasy Football 2013 wishlist and I see here:

    “Cram the Guru in a league”

    CHECK.

    Hopefully I don’t get devoured by whatever wormhole this thrashing has opened…

    • The Guru

      The Guru says:
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      Ouch. Consider me crammed. Still alive in my two RCL leagues, though. Good luck.

    • Prez says:
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      @Kid A: you still suck kid! Baseball RCL this year, its goin down! And by “its”, i mean you!

      • The Guru

        The Guru says:
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        I’ll still defeat you at Fantasy Curling. Can’t wait for Nicks curling podcast.

        • Prez says:
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          @The Guru: i finished #1 in my roto toe wrestling league this season! It was a complete toe-out… I mean they really got toe up… I was a complete shoe in.. i mean i really socked it to em! Haha okay im done….

          • Kid A says:
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            @Prez: Give Prez his account back, Gareth!

  10. Sniff Test says:
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    I thought harden is out. That hurts the browns d right? Would you play rams vs tb or tenn vs jax?

    • The Guru

      The Guru says:
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      It won’t help if Hden is a no go. But the Browns are the 9th best D this year and face the New York turnovers. I like the Rams better than the Titans, but still prefer the Browns.

      • goodfold2 says:
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        @The Guru: wow, 0-2 on attempts to spell “haden”. at least you guys had the right letters involved somehow. anyhoo, was that really a picture of you guru (the tall guy in that picture)?

        • The Guru

          The Guru says:
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          If that was my only spelling mistake this week I deserve a raise. How’d you like Sky’s job as my editor?

          As for the pic, I can’t confirm or deny for fear that you or your many aliases will stalk me at my real job at the carnival. A carny life is tough for a guru. I’m off to loosen the screws on the tilt-a-whirl.

  11. Play Garrett Hartley or pay $3.00 waiver fee for Phil Dawson to help me win an extra $250?

    • @James R: Ok, I just found out Hartley was cut, so that answers that, lol.

      • The Guru

        The Guru says:
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        Yeah, Hartley gone. Get Dawson. Happy Fetivus.

  12. Yahoo has Jordy Nelson with a higher projection than Jimmy Graham.

    Not sure who to start in my WR/TE flex position…

    • The Guru

      The Guru says:
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      You listen to Yahoo and made it to the finals? Its Graham all day.

      • @The Guru: No, I listen to you people. Yahoo rankings are just there to make me worry.

        • The Guru

          The Guru says:
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          Good answer, James. And I agree those Yahoo rankings do get in my head too. Ha. Wish they didn’t do any.

  13. Zar says:
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    Standard Yahoo League,

    I have Foles, with Rodgers on the bench. Do I go with one of these two or pick up Cutler?

    Also, Le’Veon Bell, Zac Stacy, Rashad Jennings?

    And finally…KC DST or stream the Lions?

    Almost done with this season…going for my first fantasy championship ever >>

    • The Guru

      The Guru says:
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      Hey Zar, go with Foles, Bell, Stacy, KC D.

      Good luck.

      • Zar says:
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        @The Guru:
        Thanks :) That’s what I was thinking of ^^

        Good luck in your two leagues :D

  14. JB Gilpin

    JB Gilpin says:
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    Dude I hope I get a Kuechly jersey!

    • The Guru

      The Guru says:
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      You’re on Santa’s naughty list.

  15. Clint (aka Pablo Death) says:
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    What’s your take on the announcement Rueben Randle’s going to be an every down player for at least week 16 and, most likely assuming Cruz sits the remaining two games, rest of the year? He’s produced while in there and faces the awful pass defenses of the Lions and Redskins these last two weeks but obviously he could be a risky start. WR3? Flex-worthy jam?

    • The Guru

      The Guru says:
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      There’s risk with the ineptitude of the G-men passing game. Randle is a low end WR3 in my book this week. I have him in Marvin Jones/Ace Sanders territory. Depending on your roster and who’s on the wire, he may be worth a risk.

  16. Thanks for all the help this season! I’ve made it to the championship round. I’m back, once again, needing a little help. I’m in a standard scoring non-ppr league, and I’m having a hard time deciding on my line up (mostly with my WR and Def spots -but I’ll lay it all out there in case I’ve missed something.)

    I’m thinking: wait to see how fitz does health wise, if he’s not playing, maybe start Amendola or Jennings. Possibly Start Amendola or Jennings over Bowe? At Def, maybe play Tenn against Jax (tho they’ve been strong recently and have given some def’s more trouble than I would have expected.)

    What do you think?

    QB – Cam Newton
    RB – Shaddy McCoy
    RB -Reggie Bush
    WR – Brandon Marshall
    WR- Larry Fitz
    WR- Dwayne Bowe
    TE-Witten
    Flex1 – Andre Brown
    Flex2- Giovani Bernard
    K- Crosby
    Def- Arizona (v Sea)

    Bench:
    Amendola
    P. Harvin
    G. Jennings
    E. Sanders
    Miami (v buf)
    Tenn (v Jax)

    • @Dollabill: Lions and Cleavland Def are availible to pick up. Should I grab one of them?

      • The Guru

        The Guru says:
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        Liking the Detroit D this week. Top 5 for sure.

        Amendola over Bowe. Jennings if Fitz is out.

        Good luck.

          • @Dollabill: start any of the recievers over Andre Brown (the giants O line aint lookn great, and if I play the lions D its somewhat of a conflict in interest..)

            • The Guru

              The Guru says:
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              Stick with Brown.

              • @The Guru: Aight. thanks for answering all the follow ups. its much appreciated!

  17. Brett says:
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    Guru,

    Major underdog this week in the championships. Was unable to get Detroit D. Who do you like Tampa or Arizona?

    Thanks

    • The Guru

      The Guru says:
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      Can I say Tennessee or Buffalo? Tampa.

  18. Steve Stevenson says:
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    0.5 ppr, need a WR2 : Randle @ DET, M Jones v MIN, Fitz @ SEA (if cleared), Boykin v PIT (if Cobb not back and Rodgers is) or one of the Raiders @ SD? Opponent is stacked, so i want highest ceiling.

    Std scoring, Todman v TEN or Rainey @ STL?

    DST: Car v NO or Ten @ Jax?

    • The Guru

      The Guru says:
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      Like Marvin Jones in a great matchup. Prob staying cler of Fitz, healthy or not. Randle is a risk with upside. Think I’d go Streater if he’s available.

      Rainey.

      Tough to sit the Carolina D as they are probably a big reason you’re in the finals. I’m starting the Browns or the Det D in leagues where I own them. However, I’d give them the nod over the Titans. But, it’s close.

  19. Bryan says:
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    Carolina or San diego D this week?

    • The Guru

      The Guru says:
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      Carolina D should be better at home vs. the Saints this time around. I have them ranked at #10.

  20. Bobby says:
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    Rank these QBs for Week 16:

    Cutler, Brady, A. Smith, Cousins, Tannehill

    (or did I already do it?)

    • Bryan says:
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      @Bobby: I’m rolling the dice with Cousins…I also have Brady and Tannehill but Cousins has too much upside for me.

      • Bobby says:
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        @Bryan: In one league, I have Cutler and Brady. In the other, I have A. Smith and Tannehill. Cousins is available in both.

        I may go Cutler/Cousins

    • The Guru

      The Guru says:
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      Cutler, Brady, Cousins, Smith, Tannehill. Personally, I like Andy Dalton over all of them if he’s out there. My reasoning for Cutler is the Philly pass defense. They’ve given up the 7th most fantasy points to QBs this season. Cousin seems more of a boom or bust guy. I’ll take the more sure thing.

      Good luck.

  21. Steve Stevenson says:
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    Ben Tate to IR. You holding in a dynasty league, or think he’s reached career backup status with the injury history?

    • The Guru

      The Guru says:
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      Think I’ll hold in Dynasty. Still think there’s value here. He’s a free agent and his career 4.7 YPC should attract some teams looking for a back.

  22. isaacvandamme says:
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    This might sound like the empty babbling done at the endof last call but your articles were legit throughout the year man. Very wham, bam, thank you, ma’am!

    End of year prognosis: JAM.

    Cheers, mate!

    • The Guru

      The Guru says:
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      Hey man, I appreciate that. Good luck this week, have a cool Yule and hope to see you on the baseball side of things.

Comments are closed.