I’m not one to talk the trash or put someone in a verbal vice-grip, but when it comes down to knocking off my fellow RCL writers I feel the urge to gloat. Just a little. Despite my Red Sox World Series hangover of 2004 proportions, your humble-but-nonetheless-bloviating Guru took down JB’s undefeated team that is cleverly named “JB Gilpin” last week and he spent most of Sunday crying to me on the phone about “bye weeks” and how his cat doesn’t “understand” him. Sorry JB, I don’t know how to help you with Mittens, but bad things happen when you assemble your roster after 14 wine coolers. The one and only “Tis Tehol” also fell to your turban clad friend last week. Of course Tehol was too busy checking the progress of his receding hairline to set his roster again, but I’ll take the win. Tehol, are you so mesmerized by your Drakkar drenched banana hammock that you can’t find a tight end to start? However, my first place 6-2 “Scotch Fueled Gurus” lost to an unknown 12-year-old “expert” somewhere in Pennsylvania Amish country whose trash smackin’ prose made Richie Incognito look like Maya Angelou. The kid told me my turban smells like my grandma’s…well, you know, then he beat me 20 points. I feel so bullied. *one lonely tear drops* However, the jammer crammers have been coming through for us this year. Last weeks jams of Terrelle Pryor and Tim Wright were solid plug ‘n’ plays. Let’s forget I suggested jamming on the New Orleans defense, okay? Overall, we have hit on about 70% of our jammer/crammers in any given week. I’m not ready to surrender my turban just yet, my Razzballer’s. And I certainly won’t hand it over to a prepubescent, Fall Out Boy loving kid that sleeps in his Ben Roethlisberger footie pajamas while his mommy rubs his heiny and tells him how special it is. By the way, kid, my dad can beat up your dad. It’s time to jam it or cram it.
Jam or Cram: Jake Locker, QB, Tennessee Titans
Availability: 62% Yahoo, 76% ESPN
Stat Me Up: 12.40 Fantasy points. Locker was 13-of-22 for 185 yards, 2 INTs and a rushing touchdown Sunday.
$$$ Value: $6. With injuries and byes piling up, I’m spending like a rich weird white dude that wants to look like Justin Bieber.
The Gist: Ok, ok, Nick Foles, ok. Grab Foles if you want, but he gets the Packers this week. Remember what the Cowboys did to Foles? He doesn’t. I expect more of that. If Foles throws seven touchdowns this week, I’ll deep fry my turban and eat it with a side of ranch dressing. That’s why I’m picking up Locker. He had a tough time with the Rams, but it was his first game since Week 1 in which he didn’t throw a TD. Locker had multiple touchdowns in four straight games before Sunday. This week he gets the Jaguars. Locker’s going to throw eight touchdowns against these guys. If not, I’ll roll my turban in Panko bread crumbs and…never mind.
The X-File: Before going down with a rib injury, Locker had a QB efficiency rating of 99.0 and six touchdowns in four games with no interceptions.
Jam it or Cram it: While the waiver wire blows up and people sell their kidneys for Nick Foles, grab some shares of Jake Locker. Despite missing two weeks, Locker has nearly as many points as Joe Flacco, Eli Manning and Ryan Tannehill. Locker also gets the Raiders, Cardinals and the Jaguars twice over the next seven weeks. Have we talked about how bad the Jaguars are? JAM
Jam or Cram: Andre Brown, RB, New York Giants
Availability: 64% Yahoo, 80% ESPN
Stat Me Up: Brown has not played yet this season after breaking his leg for the third time in August. How was your summer?
$$$ Value: $12. Invest wisely in running backs that get touches. Remember when we jammed on Andre Ellington and Mike James? Good times.
The Gist: Unless Brown trips over JB’s kitty and breaks his leg again, Brown will be good to go in Week 10. With the disappointing David Wilson being fitted for a halo-vest and Peyton Hillis and Brandon Jacobs not worth a spot a on a 12-year-old kid from Pennsylvania’s roster, Brown will be getting work. He may not go off this week, but he will.
The X-File: Last season, Brown averaged 5.27 YPC and rushed for eight touchdowns in 10 games.
Jam it or Cram it: This is the kind of late season pickup that can lead you to the Shiva. With Arian Foster hurting, Ray Rice drooling and BenJarvus Green-Ellis back to law practicing, Brown gets a Raiders defense that is forgiving. Oakland has given up the 9th most points to Fantasy backs this season. Encase his leg in bubble wrap then JAM
Jam or Cram: Aaron Dobson, WR, New England Patriots
Availability: 54% Yahoo, 95% ESPN
Stat Me Up: 25 Fantasy points. Dobson hauled in five passes for 130 yards with two touchdowns Sunday.
$$$ Value: $10. Wide receivers are a roll of the dice. Gamble on Dobson. C’mon boxcars!
The Gist: With Kenbrell Thompkins off to the bench and Danny Amendola made of glass, the rookie Dobson is getting looks, catching passes and gaining trust. Dobson played in over 90% of the Patriots offensive snaps on Sunday and may have finally lost his “Dropson” nickname.
The X-File: The Patriots are on a bye this week which makes Dobson stashalicious©. That’s copyrighted so don’t get any ideas, Pianowski!
Jam it or Cram it: Dobson has averaged over 12 Fantasy points in his last four games. Tom Brady likes him so much he took down his Wes Welker in the shower screensaver and gave the rookie an awkward hi-five. Even Bill Belichick was excited by Dobson’s 80-yard TD. JAM
Jam or Cram: Zach Miller, TE, Seattle Seahawks
Availability: 84% Yahoo, 85% ESPN
Stat Me Up: 4.90 Fantasy points. Miller caught three passes for 49 yards Sunday.
$$$ Value: $1. If you find a crumpled up dollar in your pants that’s been through the wash it’s a bonus. Just don’t tell your friends you spent it on a 6’5″ tight end. They’ll start to wonder about you. Actually, they already wonder.
The Gist: Miller has been primarily a blocking tight end this season and has only reached double-digit Fantasy points twice. Clearly, the ‘Hawks are a run Marshawn Lynch first, then run Marshawn Lynch second kind of team. Miller is not Marshawn Lynch. He’s the tight end. This blurb is about tight ends. That is all.
The X-File: Miller is just three years removed from a 680 yard, five touchdown season.
Jam it or Cram it: My luck with picking up tight ends has been improving. Last week I suggested Tim Wright and he put up 12 points. The week before we jammed Jordan Reed and he’s now a Fantasy stud. This week I give you Zach Miller. CRAM away.
Jam or Cram: Washington Redskins, Defense/Special teams
Availability: 95% Yahoo, 97% ESPN
Stat Me Up: 6 Fantasy points. The Redskins recorded one sack and two interceptions against the Chargers on Sunday.
$$$ Value: $1. Say this in your best Martini voice from One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest: I bet a buck.
The Gist: The Redskins have been averaging over nine Fantasy points in their last six games. This week they play a Minnesota Vikings team that has been giving up over 10 points to team defenses the last four weeks.
The X-File: Washington has 12 consecutive regular season games with at least one turnover. That matches the team’s longest streak in 13 years.
Jam it or Cram it: The Washington defense enters this game having scored a league-leading five touchdowns in eight games. They face Christian Ponder Thursday night. Let’s make that six defensive touchdowns right now. We are JAM happy this week.
*Week 10 Bonus Tracks*
Case Keenum, QB, Houston Texans: Keenum put up over 28 Fantasy points last week, but is clearly infatuated with Andre Johnson. I’d take him in a 2QB League or a league where only Andre Johnson stats count. Patrick Peterson will be on Andre this week. CRAM
Jonathan Stewart, RB, Carolina Panthers: Carolina’s running corps is now a three-headed Panther. Every seen a three-headed panther? Me either, but I’ve met my share of gray ones. CRAM
Riley Cooper, WR, Philadelphia Eagles: Racist Riley put up 33 Fantasy points on Sunday. Grab Cooper now. Just don’t tell this guy. JAM
Anthony Fasano, TE, Kansas City Chiefs: During Sunday’s game Dan Dierdorf compared Fasano to Jimmy Graham. Apparently Dierdorf is the new poster boy for the dangers of concussions in the NFL. Can someone get Dan a drool cup? CRAM
Pittsburgh Steelers Defense/Special Teams: Taking the Steelers D is a tough sell, especially after giving up a franchise record 55 points to the Patriots. Jeff Tuel is not Tom Brady. *Insert your own “Tuel time” joke here*JAM
Good luck in Week 10 and thanks for hanging in the Razzball Lounge. Hit the Guru up below with your fantasy queries or follow me on Twitter @TheGuruGS for jams and crams, fantasy roster 411’s and other gooey shenanigans.