Greetings Razzballer’s, before we run down the jammer crammer’s that could save your fantasy season, please join your humble-but-nonetheless-handsome Guru in the Fantasy Hot Tub Time Machine as we take a short spin through the space-time continuum back to the year 1962. *wavy lines wavy lines* What the hell’s going on here? Hey, look out for that iceberg! Oh, it’s 1912, my bad. I’m king of the world! *more wavy lines* I want to welcome you all to the King’s X Cocktail Bar in Oakland, California. Grab a Manhattan and watch as three Mad Men types – Raiders part-owner Wilfred “Bill” Winkenbach, Raiders “public relation” guy Bill Tunnell and reporter Scotty Stirling – create something that will frustrate and anger all of us for the next 50 years…Fantasy Football. Anytime you combine a wealthy owner with a private dick, a headline fabricator and a pitcher of Tom Collins’ “brilliant” ideas are bound to spring up. Thus, that’s how the Greater Oakland Professional Pigskin Prognosticators League turned into this frustrating game we devote more time and energy to than it actually deserves. Now raise a glass to Bill and the boys, lay a few sawbucks on the ’62 Packers and get your fanny perpendiculars back in the hot tub. *yet more wavy lines* It’s time to jam it or cram it.
Jam or Cram: Jake Locker, QB, Tennessee Titans
Availability: 94% Yahoo, 98% ESPN
Stat Me Up: 28.86 fantasy points. Locker completed 23-of-37 passes for 299 yards and a touchdown, and rushed five times for 68 yards and another score.
$$$ Value: $1, if you like just throwing your waiver cash around like Jacoby Jones on a party bus.
The Gist: Huge fantasy day for Locker, who was living in Bizarro World Sunday. In Locker’s first two games he failed to pass for even 150 yards. Locker’s 68 yards on the ground was a career high. Was there some sort of Face/Off type operation between Locker and Kaepernick I missed?
The X-File: Jake will be a hurt Locker after the Jets, Chiefs and Seahawks the next three Sunday’s. *BOOM*
Jam it or Cram it: Great game, way to channel your inner Jake “the snake” there, Locker. Anyone that tries to tell you that Locker has “officially arrived” may be high on bath salts and could try to eat your face. CRAM
Jam or Cram: Bilal Powell, RB, New York Jets
Availability: 54% Yahoo, 40% ESPN
Stat Me Up: 15.8 fantasy points. Powell rushed 27 times for 149 yards and caught two passes for nine yards in Sunday’s win against the Bills.
$$$ Value: $5 could go a long way with this longshot.
The Gist: Through the first 3 weeks, Bilal is the 11th ranked running back in standard leagues and averaged 5.5 YPC last week. Bilal has the chance to be a top-15 back this week.
The X-File: With Chris Ivory now nursing his hammy, Powell is the main jetsetter.
Jam it or Cram it: Powell could be a low-end RB2/Flex add this week with plenty of upside. The Jets next opponent, the Titans, is not a cupcake, but they did give up 100 yards rushing last week to the dynamic duo of Ryan Mathews and Danny Woodhead. JAM
Jam or Cram: Brandon LaFell, WR, Carolina Panthers
Availability: 90% Yahoo, 98% ESPN
Stat Me Up: 17.30 fantasy points. LaFell caught three passes for 53 yards and two touchdowns Sunday.
$$$ Value: $1 or 20 nickels, whatever you find in the couch cushions.
The Gist: LaFell has scored 0 points, 1.30 and 17.30 his last three weeks. Last year he had 44 catches and four TDs. The chemistry between Cam Newton and LaFell is not up to the Heisenberg standard.
Jam it or Cram it: There are fantasy owners that will run to waiver wire after seeing LaFell’s two touchdowns and trade their first born to pick him up. Don’t do that to your kids. If they’re bothering you just duct tape them to the ceiling fan, that’s called “hillbilly day care” where I’m from. Lafell is on a bye this week and might as well be the next, too. CRAM
Jam or Cram: Heath Miller, TE, Pittsburgh Steelers
Availability: 74% Yahoo, 93% ESPN
Stat Me Up: 3.50 fantasy points. Miller had three catches for 35 yards in his regular season debut Sunday night against the Bears.
$$$ Value: $1 is about all I will spend on a tight end or a stripper named Sweet Pea.
The Gist: Miller’s return to the Steeltown from a knee injury was greeted with cheers from Pittsburgh fans and yawns from the fantasy world. However, Big Ben has to throw it as the Steelers will be playing from behind a lot. Unless Stallworth and Swann are making a comeback, Heath will be targeted as long as he can walk.
The X-File: Miller is coming off a triple-ligament tear in his knee. The way the Steelers are playing, he probably wishes it had been a quadruple tear.
Jam it or Cram it: If you’re a Gronk owner or just playing tight end roulette, give big Heath a try against the Vikings on Sunday. Keep in mind the last three weeks I’ve suggested Zach Sudfeld, Kellen Winslow and Charles Clay. Where’d we park that hot tub? JAM
Jam or Cram: Indianapolis Colts Defense/Special Teams
Availability: 94% Yahoo, 97% ESPN
Stat Me Up: 11.0 fantasy points.
$$$ Value: $1. Don’t go spending on defense or kickers. Use your hard earned cash on better things like a good scotch and Swedish fish.
The Gist: Indianapolis held the 49ers to just seven points and 254 total yards, but 91 of those came on San Francisco’s only scoring drive. The Colts also forced two turnovers, had three sacks and held Colin Kaepernick to 150 yards passing.
The X-File: Indy gets the Jaguars Sunday. Hello? Where’d you go? Oh, you left to claim them now. Nice work, but please wait for the “jam” part.
Jam it or Cram it: Defensive streamers, here’s your match up of the week. Colts vs. Jaguars. MJD is hurting, Blaine Gabbert is returning and the whole fantasy world is salivating. JAM with extreme prejudice.
Thanks for hanging in the Fantasy Hot Tub Time Machine. Follow The Guru on Twitter @TheGuruGS for the daily jam or cram, fantasy roster 411’s and other gooey shenanigans.