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First they came for David Johnson, and I did not speak out – Because I did not draft him. Then they came for Allen Robinson, and I did not speak out — Because I did not care about the Jaguars. Then they came for Greg Olson, and I did not speak out — Because he was just a tight end. Then they came for Odell Beckham Jr. — and there was no one left that could medically attend to my liver and rescue my fantasy team. Exactly how hurt is OBJ? Well, despite bringing out one of those weird curtains that they break out when a horse goes down on the track before carting him off the field… I’d say not good. It’s a broken leg (I guess I could have GIF’d the injury, but nothing is as cringe-inducing as watching a human body part break in slow motion… and all of our uncles drunk at Thanksgiving), so one first has to ask, how do we define “broken”? Well, I’m no doctor, but experts have told me (i.e. I know how to Google) that it was his fibula and that an MRI to check for ligament damage took place earlier today, but one thing’s for certain (unless Ian Rapport is involved), OBJ is gone for a while. (Along with the rest of the Giants receivers. Seriously, read the injury report further down after the jump… I feel like stigmata is next.) I still have to ask though, for the sake of my aforementioned liver… If Odell Beckham can catch with one hand, can’t he run on one ankle?

Top Plays in GIFs: Giants running back Orleans Darkwa runs 23 yards for a touchdown.


Chargers: So bad, they can’t contain Orleans Darkwa.

Hot Takes: Hotter Than Hot-Hot-Hot!

  • Can Colin Kaepernick play wide receiver? I know a team that might be interested…
  • Eli always looks like he can’t decide between Snake Eyes or Storm Shadow for his Halloween costume.
  • Your first place New York Football Jets? Your first place Jacksonville Jaguars? Los Angeles Rams in first place too? Bengals are game out of first place? This weekend has reminded me that I know absolutely nothing about the NFL.
  • So, let’s focus on the AFC North for a minute… It’s going to be Steelers and Ravens fighting each other, Bengals nearby threatening to make this an triple-threat, and the Browns are also in the division too. Doing something nothing. Is it just me or has this exact thing been going on the last decade or so?

Top Plays in GIFs: Christian McCaffrey’s runs for his first career touchdown.


Finally, white running backs can stop being oppressed by the NFL.

Hot Takes: So Hot, I Had to Find a Thesaurus to Call These Takes Blistering! Torrid! Broiling?

  • I hope Marvin Harrison has a good alibi for why he wasn’t at Peyton’s Number retirement ceremony.
  • Panda Express has commercials now? As someone who’s half-Asian, I would not let a young child get that near to a man dressed as a panda…
  • I think the most intriguing thing about the new Justice League movie is how it looks like they are going to shoehorn in underwater scenes just so they have some use for Aquaman. And where’s the Green Lantern? (Checks IMDB. Oh, that’s why…)
  • I still can’t believe there are Raiders fans who insist that Hue Jackson is a good head coach. He’s not. Just stop.

Top Plays in GIFs: A.J. Green does A.J. Green-like things.


I love and fully support this new “Throw the ball to A.J. Green” game plan the Bengals have recently implemented.

Hot Takes: The Hottest You’ll Drop in Week 5!

  • Cincinnati’s attendance seemed real L.A.-like yesterday. Here are my reasons why: 1. Kneeling. 2. Losing. 3. Raining. 4. Church 5. Can’t afford tickets. 6. Andy Dalton being a ginger.
  • I still believe that RedZone needs to answer for the fact that the first game they showed yesterday morning was Chargers-Giants. No one needs that, and I’m a Chargers fan. (Maybe. Sorta. Who knows anymore?)
  • Joey Bosa might set the sack record by halftime if he ever went against the Seahawks offensive line. A guy can dream, can’t he?
  • I find it interesting that Pierce Brosnan said he quit the Bond franchise because he didn’t want to do spy films anymore, and that’s all he’s done since. What up with that?
  • Matt Cassel exists only to be hurt. Yes, yes, you too Sean Lee, now go back to your surgery.
  • This year’s Arizona Cardinals team is horrible and ravaged with injuries. Just shelter Carson Palmer and let him preserve his internal organs so I can start making some Blaine Gabbert jokes already.

Top Plays in GIFs: Eagles touchdown scored by Guy No One Owns in fantasy.


After the Donovan McNabb era, I don’t think I’ll ever get used to seeing an Eagles quarterback throwing a fade.

Obligatory Injury Report: Stop Hurting ODB KIDS!

  • New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. was carted off the field late in the fourth quarter after suffering a fractured left ankle in the team’s loss. Wide receivers Sterling Shepard and Brandon Marshall also left the game after suffering ankle injuries. Both Shepard and Marshall suffered ankle sprains with Shepard out for at least a week, but the Giants could hold him out until the bye in three weeks. Receiver Dwayne Harris left the game in the third quarter after suffering a fracture in his foot. Giants are basically down to like one receiver… though, it’s not like Eli even aims for his receivers anyways, and he probably still won’t throw to Evan Engram. But don’t worry! Eli is already practicing his cursive so he can sign all these casts like a big boy.
  • Houston Texans pass rushers Whitney Mercilus (chest) and J.J. Watt (knee) both exited Sunday night’s game against the Kansas City Chiefs early and both did not return. The team announced earlier today that Watt suffered a tibial plateau fracture to his left leg and is out for the rest of the 2017 season. At this rate, Watt is going to be euthanized behind the stadium dumpsters in Week 2 of the 2018 season. Houston defenders just doing their best impression of Giants wide receivers I guess.
  • Bengals wide receiver Tyler Boyd suffered a right knee injury and exited the game. Cornerback Adam Jones also exited after he suffered a back injury. Probably from acting like a d*ck.
  • Buffalo Bills tight end Charles Clay was carted off the field after suffering a knee injury and e did not return to the game and is listed as “questionable” going into Week 6.
  • Tight end Travis Kelce is in the concussion protocol after taking a hit to the head during the first half. Wide receiver Chris Conley has a ruptured Achilles and is out for the season.
  • Baltimore Ravens wide receiver Jeremy Maclin (hand) was active and played against the Raiders and should be good to go in Week 6. Running back Terrance West suffered a calf injury and did not return. Ray Lewis didn’t witness any of this.

Top Plays in GIFs: Zane Gonzalez misses a 39-yard field goal attempt to break a 0-0 tie before the half.


Oh Browns, never stop being you.

Hot Takes – J-E-S-Ts and Browns Edition!

  • I’d just like to point out that the head coach (Ben McAdoo-doo) of the Giants is their former offensive coordinator and they are second-last in the league in points scored per game. I only mention this here because the Jets have a better record, so yeah. It’s all connected. The Giants are now the Kevin Bacon of terrible football. Speaking of which…
  • The Browns and Jets are the Air Coryell in terms of playing terrible football.
  • We didn’t get it, but the most Jets and Browns thing ever would be if that game ended in a draw. Also if a sink-hole appeared and swallowed everyone the field. I may have just spoiled a Batman movie.
  • Ideal game-ending that should have happened? Still a 0-0 tie, with two seconds left in O.T., Kizer throws an interception in the Jets end zone that gets taken back 103 yards, which is then fumbled at the 1, with the football bouncing out of the end zone for a touchback.
  • Good news though! In the fight against terror (#MAGA), the CIA recorded the Jets-Browns game for future use, you know, to compliment their “enhanced interrogation techniques”.

Top Plays in GIFs: Kiko Alonso gets a big hit on Matt Cassel.


I haven’t seen an Alonso destroy a Cassel like that since the Catholics reconquered Spain from the Moors.

Top Plays in GIFs: Chuck Pagano comes up with a play that’s WORSE than the fake punt.


I haven’t seen a Colt get put out of it’s misery like that since Barbaro.

Hot Takes: Mike Pence Wears a Zorro’s Mask of Crow’s Feet Edition!

  • Is Mike Pence going to continue show up to NFL games just to abruptly leave? If so, he can join the rest of the Los Angeles sports fan base.
  • So basically, Pence went to a game knowing full well he was going to leave? That’s just fake news. Everyone knows that he was going to stay for the entire game, but when he found out Jacoby Brissett was the quarterback instead of Andrew Luck, that’s when he left. Because he’d already put up with eight years of a black guy in charge and that was more than enough for him.

Top Plays in GIFs: Big Ben throws his fifth interception of the day.


Terrible throw by Big Ben. Almost like he has really bad judgment or something. HARF HARF HARF.

Hot Takes: Fantasy Hot Takes are the Best Hot Takes!

  • Last time Big Ben had five picks, it was his security detail blocking from entering a bar bathroom.
  • NOTE to self: Never, ever start the Raiders’ defense again.
  • Joe Flacco was forcing it to Ben Watson like he started him in fantasy. I’m not amused.
  • Dear Sammy Watkins, Thanks for being more useless than my bathing suit areas during high school. – Signed, Fantasy Football.
  • Imagine if Bilal Powell was on an actual NFL team… actually, never mind, I just imagined it and he was exactly the same.
  • How did Carlos Hyde have only 18 yards TOTAL against the Colts? “¯\_(ツ)_/¯” – Dr. Jekyll.

Top Plays in GIFs: Aaron Rodgers’ clutch run and game-winning touchdown pass to Davante Adams.


Packers, when Aaron Rogers retires, you’re the new 49ers.

Hot Takes: Re-cut Seven Times to be Hotter and More Replicant-y!

  • Aaron Rodgers is better than Tom Brady. No question. Why? I’ll tell you why. He’s had Mike McCarthy as a head coach and Brady has the Grumblelord. I rest my case.
  • Is there a major TV network Michael Strahan doesn’t work for? He’s almost on enough shows to fit through his two front teeth.
  • Terrance Williams continues to horrify me. We all have a purpose in this life, I suppose.
  • So, since Tony Romo and his time-tested and missed Romonobyl’s are no longer in the NFL, at what point can we start calling Cowboys choke jobs a Dakashima disaster?

Top Plays in GIFs: Tyreek Hill’s 82-yard punt return touchdown.


Tyreek is a Hill I’d die on.

Hot Takes: Sunday Night Football Edition and Andy Reid Fat-Shaming Edition!

  • Andy Reid loves Texas. It’s the only place where you can order a whole cow and no one looks at you funny.
  • Have the Chiefs been in a prime time game three weeks in a row now? And the season opener? There’s no joke here. I’m just shocked that this is a thing.
  • Travis Kelce isn’t a tight end in the traditional sense. No, he’s Alex Smith’s “security blanket”.
  • Andy Reid’s genius plan for shutting down Deshaun Watson and my attention span last night? Bore us to death with multiple twenty-minute field goal drives.
  • I think Chicago Fire is really regretting that there isn’t a “give me your badge and gun” equivalent line for firefighters. “Give me your helmet and hose” just has an entirely different connotation, ya know? Also, when do we get Chicago Landscaping and Chicago Sanitation Department on NBC?
  • The Chiefs are really gonna be the #1 seed in the AFC, hunh? I mean, we all know the Chiefs are going to have a great rest of the regular season and then crash out of the playoffs in a single game. What keeps me up at night is: what if they don’t? Are we ready for that reality?
  • Andy Reid has a giant whiteboard in his office listing just two things: First, the gameplan: Kelce. Hunt. Hunt. Kelce. Rinse and repeat. Second? All the daily specials at his favorite BBQ joints.

The Top Play in Week 5: 31-yard TD from Cam Newton to Kelvin Benjamin.


Gotta make up that lost Dannon sponsorship somehow…

 

 

 

  1. Ron P says:
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    14 team .25PPR

    Trade #1 – Which side?
    A: Julio, Latavius, Hunter Henry
    or
    B: Freeman, Garcon, Cohen

    Trade #2 – Which side?
    A: Jordy, Latavius, Hunter Henry
    or
    B: Freeman, Garcon, Cohen

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @Ron P: Hmm, for the first one, I’d want side A and for 2, I’d want side A again… but much closer on the second one.

      • Ron P says:
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        @Jay: I should add more context to the trade. Here is my team.

        QB: Cousins, Carr
        RB: Elliot, Powell, Latavius, David Johnson (IR)
        WR: Julio, Jordy, Michael Thomas, Crabtree, Theilen, Shephard
        TE: Reed, Henry, Olsen (IR)

        With my RB being weak and WR being strong would you do either deal for Freeman?

        • Jay

          Jay says:
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          @Ron P: yeah, but in both cases I think you’re buying the worse package. Cohen’s value just isn’t there right now.

  2. When Buying Gifts Don't Confuse the Diary of Hans Frank and Anne Frank says:
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    wish i went with my brain on mckinnon vs lat murray. one razzball guy agreed to, but i wonder if he’d have made that roster choice with his own team. bradford looked turrible. for next week hold him for now (RW3 on bye) or grab one of:
    brissett @ TEN
    keenum vs GB (assume keenum plays early as waivers are tuesday, weekly reset,and my actually good team will be 2-3 so best waiver i’ve had all year)
    bortles vs LAR
    mccown vs NYJ

    2. for different league, add in semian.

  3. Fizz says:
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    Im being offered Alshon for D. Murray. I have the below roster. What do you think?

    QB: WIlson
    RB: Murray
    RB: Bell
    WR: K. Alllen
    WR: Diggs

    Bench
    WR: Marvin Jones
    RB: C. Johnson
    RB: Gallman
    RB: D. Johnson
    RB: Ekeler

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @Fizz: I’d want Murray there. Close though.

  4. Wilsonian says:
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    ASJ or Brate in 0.5 PPR? Just for Week 6

  5. JP Morgan says:
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    Hey man would you trade Jay Ajayi for Doug Baldwin ? Thanks

  6. Jason says:
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    Hi Jay,
    How would you rank Javorius Allen and Jerick McKinnon for my waiver priority?

    Thank you

    • Jason says:
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      @Jason: Gallman and Mack in that list as well please

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @Jason: Allen, then Mack for me.

  7. Nick says:
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    Hey bud, need a TE for next week, pick your poison;

    J Cook v LAC
    Griffin v Cle
    Dickson v Phi
    Ebron @ NO
    Derby v NYG

  8. JP Morgan says:
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    Is Mack worth burning my #1 waiver priority on ?

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @JP Morgan: at this point, if you need a body due to injury, yes.

  9. Zachary says:
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    I received a trade offer that it looks like was sent before AP was traded, its a straight up offer of Alvin Kamara for my Jerick McKinnon.

    Wondering what your thoughts on taking that would be in a PPR league, and I’ve already got Elliott and Fournette so it’s not life or death, but I’m considering that McKinnon has a better chance of falling off with the supporting cast in MN very injured

  10. The Shady KHunt says:
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    Hey Jay,
    Asked Jennifer the same question.

    Here is my team
    QB – Brady
    WR – Cooks
    WR – Hopkins
    RB – Gordon
    RB – CJA
    TE – Engram
    Flex – Garcon
    K – Bailey (bye week)
    Def – Lions
    Bench – Witten (bye week)
    Bench – Cohen
    Bench – Powell
    Bench – Moncrief
    Bench – JC

    Do you like Engram ROS or Witten ROS? If you like Witten ROS then I’m leaning towards dropping JC for Butker. If you like Engram ROS then I’m leaning towards dropping Witten for Butker.

    Or do I drop Bailey for Butker?

    Offered a trade to a Hunt, Shady, Gurley Owner. Which one do you like better or should I just keep my team as is. I’m currently first place at 4-1.

    Trade away Brandin Cooks and CJA for Kareem Hunt (Owner is 8th place 2-3)
    Trade away Brandin Cooks and CJA for Shady (Owner is 10th place 1-4)
    Trade away Brandin Cooks and CJA for Gurley (Owner 2nd place 4-1)

    Thanks!

    PS. I think Brady might be racist. He’s got a great WR in Cooks but only targets his white teammates (Hogen Gronk Amendola Edelman).

  11. DT says:
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    Yo Jay!

    Need your advice in a 12 team 2 flex PPR league.
    Leading the league right now but this bye week is a little stressful.

    QB:
    WR: Hopkins, Crowder
    RB: Duke Johnson, Buck Allen
    TE: Kelce
    Flex: Riddick, Stewart <– (both brutal lately)
    DEF: Denver

    Bench: Wilson (BYE), Clay (OUT), A.J. Green (BYE), Dez (BYE), Luck (OUT), Prosise (BYE), Buffalo (BYE)

    Hoping I can get someone decent off waivers by dropping Clay or Buffalo D. Who would you target…
    AP, Breida, Mack, Dickson, R. Lewis, M. Wallace, JJ Nelson, Smith-Schuster, D. Lewis, Darkwa

    Also, hoping I can get a decent QB to plug in during Wilson bye week but deciding between Brisett, Hogan, Trubisky, Bortles, Keenum, Hoyer, Palmer (all disappointing)

    Appreciate your thoughts!

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @DT: Go big and get AP

  12. Jake says:
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    Whats your thoughts on AP in Arizona should be a hot add off waivers right ?

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @Jake: totally, just from the promise of snaps.

  13. Aubrey Plaza's Pillow says:
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    2 QB half PPR dynasty.
    QB brissett/rodfather/rodgers/mahomes
    RB (2) ingram/kamara/collins/charles/smallwood/t.west (pretty clear drop now)
    WR (3) allen/jordy/d-jax/m.lee/thielen
    TE (1) ertz
    2 flexes
    IR woodhead/edleman (only 2 slots)
    D DEN
    IDP flexes (4) r.jones/collins (back now finally)/t.smith/ogletree/burfict (bye)

    pretty clear west is a drop. what order of these though: mcguire (i don’t need him now, but might have future value, maybe?)/kelley. i really f’d up not grabbing mckinnon a few days ago when he was cheap. could’ve had him for like $4, also probably should’ve spent the $13 it would’ve taken to get mack 2 days ago. daily FAAB waivers, but max 3 moves per week. 2 left here.

  14. Beware the Shit Rope says:
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    PPR. 14 team league
    RB (2) j.allen/hunt/crowell/stewart/kelley/t.west
    WR (3) brown/fuller/parker/fitz/beasley
    1 flex

    clearly west for mack is top FAAB here. and i’d guess breida is last. but in the middle we have the lewis/louises of NYG/CLE. if i already get mack drop beasley for what order of the lewis/louises? i’d think the NYG one is more sure to hold value, now that there’s literally 2 WR on NYG.

  15. Jack says:
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    Jay,

    I picked up McKinnon last week for $7, no one else even bid. After reading everyone’s love for ASJ, I decided to drop McKinnon on Saturday night and picked up ASJ. I have $63 left in FAAB. If I want him back I will have to go over $30. Would you spend $30+ on him or let someone else grab him. Thanks.

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @Jack: I’d cut your losses and just let him go.

  16. Cheese Eating Surrender Monkey says:
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    dynasty standard.
    RB (2) zeke/melgor/j.white/morris/smallwood
    WR (3) both thomas’s/a.brown/hilton/kearse (one wweek fill in)
    no flex
    is this about order for these (drops being kearse/smallwood) and should j.white BE in these drops for these (clerly only if i could get 3 of them)
    mack/mckinnon/gallman/AP

    2. different league. PPR.
    need a QB and TE this week. don’t think i can drop witten here.
    QB RW3/bradford (drop for brissett or other)
    RB (2) mckinnnon/lat murray/hunt/coleman/collins/lacy
    WR(3) brown/fitz/parker/D.thomas/maclin
    TE witten
    no flex

    1. lacy i guess is the drop for TE?
    2. maclin a drop for one of the louis/lewis?
    3. drop collins for mack here? (doubt this happens anwyay though, i have bigger needs)

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @Cheese Eating Surrender Monkey:
      And White for AP is okay, but I think it’s kinda lateral.
      1. Yeah, I think it has to be.
      2. Lewis. and 3. Yeah, I’m fine with that if it happens.

  17. Sinkhole Demayo says:
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    half PPR. 1 flex have
    RB hunt/gordon/j.white/blount/gore/mack (start 2)
    WR(start only2) hilton/cooks/hill/m.williams/richardson
    TE (1) rudolph
    1. blount or one of AP/kelley?
    2. over richardson which of maclin or lewis (NYG) first?

  18. Zach says:
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    Which side do you like more in this swap: Shady/Amari/James White for Dez/Sanders/Jamaal Charles?

    My only candidates for RB2 are Aaron Jones, Collins, Gallman, and Mack. WRs left are AB, Cobb, and Tyrell Williams.

    Thanks!

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @Zach: I like the Shady side. I actually don’t think it’s all that close.

      • Zach says:
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        @Jay: Knowing this guy, he is likely to counter with CJA. Would I still win if it’s CJA/Amari for Dez/Sanders?

        • Jay

          Jay says:
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          @Zach: Yeah, I think that’s still a good deal for you.

  19. Joey Jo Jo Jr Shabadoo says:
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    here’s some good ones:

    ebron giving up during play:
    https://twitter.com/barstooltweetss/status/917075499800809472

    before c.johnson was dropped:
    https://twitter.com/FauxJohnMadden/status/917789549211906054

    and who’s a drop on either of these rosters in PPR for mcguire if any? both 2-3 teams both better than that in points (2nd, 6th)

    QB (1) RW3/carr
    RB (2) hunt/mckinnon/coleman/collins/lat murray
    WR (3) brown/fitz/DT/parker/maclin
    TE (1) witten/griffin
    IR olsen
    K hopkins
    DEF JAX

    QB (1) brees/rivers
    RB (2) hyde/melgor/mack/smallwood/breida/kamara
    WR (3) dez/benjamin/crabtree/funchess/shepard
    TE (1) bennett
    K lutz
    DEF ATL
    no flex in either.

    2. in team 2 follow rankings and play both of benajmin (CAR), funchess (shepard hurt, dez on bye) or drop smallwood for a j.brown/wallace/louis (CLE)

    • Joey Jo Jo Jr Shabadoo says:
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      @Joey Jo Jo Jr Shabadoo: and this page started out as bad as the one last week, BUT having changed nothing on my end it’s good now. something got better.

  20. Montezuma's Revenge... right now says:
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    dynasty PPR BUT rushing yards are worth double receiving. 12 team
    QB wentz
    RB (1) howard/AAron jones/mckinnon/cohen/kelley
    WR (2) hopkins/m.thomas/hilton/m.williams/thielen
    TE (1) ASJ (love how WR/TE often take 3 or 4 years to get good)
    flex (WR/RB)
    flex (WR/TE)
    IR ware/meredith/clay
    K gano
    DEF MIN
    drop cohen (would have handcuff value though as howard owner) or kelley (can wait of course for him to be healthy) for any of: mack/gallman?

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