There are certain films where you watch it from start to finish and you say to yourself ‘some of that shouldn’t have worked…but it did’. They keep you riveted to your seat for fear of missing a great moment and even with the blunders in between that pop up you make due because the great points are just that enjoyable. And so enters Russell Wilson and his night against the Cardinals. His 18/29 for 235 to go with 3 passing touchdowns and 29 yards rushing to go with 2 fumbles was both impressive and incomprehensible at times and I dare say for the same reasons in certain moments. A play that looked like a sack in which he throws a pass that should’ve been intercepted on 3rd down and instead turns into a first down…it was on scale with Kung Fu Hustle in so many ways, I can’t begin to describe it. Ok, the real truth to this intro is to get you to watch Kung Fu Hustle. NOW. If you don’t enjoy it, I don’t know what’s wrong with you. Seriously, we can’t be friends period. There are very few movies I’ll watch multiple times. Big Lebowski? Check. Zoolander? Check. Anchorman? Please, we know that answer to that. But enough about Sky’s DVDs, how did Wilson perform tonight? He performed like a top 15 QB. I really hate typing that but it’s true. I think he’s gonna be too inconsistent week to week for us to count on and it’s not been matchup dependent so far. I really had high hopes heading into this year for fantasy purposes but he looks destined for a year that is great in real life but won’t play well in the fantasy world at this point. If you bought in on the top 10 QB hype and I’m partially to blame, mea culpa. I hope my movie suggestions assuage the situation. In other news from TNF for 2013 Fantasy Football…
Andre Ellington – So I didn’t have high hopes coming into tonight because of the defense but…5 total touches? And only 5 targets? Did Ellington tell Arians he looks like a melted Philip Seymour-Hoffman wax museum statue? Why would you as a coach submit yourself to Mendy that much without such an unjustifiably just cause? I’m seriously asking because I don’t get the game plan tonight. He got targeted late in the Red Zone but Palmer overthrew him and then tried to thread the needle on a covered play. I wish I had more explanation here but I don’t. Elling-ten outta ten took a zero through no fault of his own.
Golden Tate – Had the most spectacular plays and catches for the ‘hawks, nabbing 4 of his 7 targets for 77 yards. But of course, Sidney Rice got the touchdown between the two. Someone once asked me ‘who’s the wide receiver to start in Seattle?’ and my response was ‘Percy Harvin’. I stand by that statement.
Rashard Mendenhall – He had 22 yards on 13 carries. And yet, he scored 8+ fantasy points. I’ve heard a lot of griping recently about the PPR setup and I beg of you: tell me how scoring 6 points for a 3 yard run is that much better? I’m waiting *drums fingers on table*.
Larry Fitzgerald – If you play in a PPMB league – Points Per Monster Block – you scored huge tonight starting Fitz. But you probably play on some hipster site to do that which means you probably don’t read this because it’s too mainstream so I’m talking to the wrong audience. Larry looked fine. Palmer doesn’t. I was worried Carson wouldn’t improve things enough over Skelton et al to make a difference and here we are: 2 catches, 5 targets, 17 yards and a lot of ticked off owners. I wish I could call myself a savant but I ranked Colston and Amendola ahead of him so what the high fructose corn syrup do I know?
Marshawn Lynch – Fun fact: I do my rankings and then when I’m all done I compare to others. I was surprised to find how many people were down on Marshawn this year. I didn’t get it. Same team, same system, same Skittles…this is what Jay-Z would call ‘The Blueprint’ for success. Eh, whatever, even in PPR leagues he’s still in the top 5 or 6 at this point after 94 total yards and a TD. Shoulda been two but the refs forgot how challenges are supposed to be ruled…but I’m not bitter…ok, I am since I started Lynch and Ellington tonight. I hate so many people right now…
Carson Palmer – I’d call it ugly but that wouldn’t quite describe it accurately enough. What do you get when you add an aging QB who doesn’t run well to an already putrid offensive line and make him scramble out of the pocket? You almost start to feel bad for the guy. After 7 sacks and 2 INT, can we safely call Palmer worse than Weeden? No? Ok, but for fantasy purposes, ya with me?
Michael Floyd – Still hasn’t had that big game but in PPR leagues he keeps reminding us – 6/71 on 10 targets – that he’s gonna be good some day. That day is in the future. Sarah Connor is doing her best to defeat the Palmer android that may terminate his value but will she? Stay tuned for a sneak peek at Terminator 4: Cardinal Sins.
Zach Miller – Truth: I wanted to rank him higher in the Weekly Rankings but every time I gamble on the ‘this defense is bad against TE’ mantra for a team that doesn’t feature it’s TEs, I feel like I get burned. And here I am getting burned again as the Zach Miller Band goes for 5/40/1. Heck, even Kellen Davis caught a touchdown. Know who that is? Don’t lie, you don’t. Combine those two and Willson and his 1/23 and you have a 7/65/3 line. If only ‘hawks TEs were Transformers. Wait, they are: they’re Decepticons.
Rob Housler – The ghost of Brandon Myers lives! He quite literally did nothing for the first 3 quarters and then rode into the dreams of PPR players everywhere with his 7/53 line. Seriously, Cards offense = (vomit bag + cat pee)/huffing.