I hate to talk ill of you on the last read of the season, I really do. I only dole out tough love when tough love is due but I think this situation is ripe for it. You shouldn’t really care about what I’m typing right now. Ok, ok, ok, I’m alright if you care because your championship is two weeks long. Not perfect but it is reasonable. But really, even in a week 17 in which games actually mattered, the fantasy football season should not be judged by the scoring leader board we got this week. Sure, LeGarrette Blount has slowly worked is way into the cockles of Belichick’s heart over the course of the season. Really let’s face facts, though; Bill’s been looking for a BenJarvus Green-Ellis impersonator since day one. Congrats, Billy boy, looks like you found your man. Blount finished with 189 rushing yards and 2 TDs on the day and 334 all purpose yards to set a Patriots franchise record and the 11th most in NFL history. That’s a pretty wild day and great if you had it on your team…but really? Did you come into 2013 saying ‘I can’t wait to sit Jamaal Charles and start Blount’? Even in a week where there were so many important games on Sunday, it was still an odd fantasy day overall as we’ll cover a bit…and by that I mean drill bit. I’m gonna drive this point home people! But for serious, I’m happy for you and Ima let you finish but week 16 championships are the great of all time…OF ALL TIME! Ok, I’m done lambasting you…for now. Here’s what else I saw from the final week of the season for 2013 Fantasy Football…
Peyton Manning – Got to play Oakland on a week that ‘still meant something’ for both Denver and him. He and the Broncos got homefield advantage through out the playoffs by halftime and we all had to watch it while the San Diego game was going on…because PFM, of course. After getting the TD record last week, he picked up the passing yards record this week. Clearly the MVP should go to Tom Brady…yes, there’s an argument for that floating around. If your own teammates won’t high five you, I don’t know what to say.
Matt Forte – Did his best Blount impersonation, gaining 157 total yards and scoring 3 TDs to lead the Bears to the brink of victory before they fell to a sell out 4th and 8 blitz on A-Rod…because on 4th and 8, why not? Ugh…Forte + Trestman =Tres-Forte. If you say it with a French accent, it’s pretty sexy.
Jerrel Jernigan – Finished with 147 total yards and 2 TDs, 6/90 of which was through the air. He led the Giants in rushing on the day. That’s all you need to know about the Giants and their season. I also looked up Jernigan. It’s Icelandic for ‘journeyman’. That’s all you need to know about Jerrel.
Cordarrelle Patterson – After another great day – 85 total yards, 2 TDs – you start to have those ‘what if’ questions. Like ‘what if Cordarrelle had been given the ball more often prior to week 13, since which he’s scored 6 touchdowns on offense’ and ‘what if that red head from the Wendy’s commercial weren’t annoying. What level of hotness would she be’? I got questions, man! Hard to not like this kid heading into 2014 if his role expands even further and it should. But hey this is the team that went for Freeman and barely played him so what the heck do I know.
Demaryius Thomas – I haven’t had a chance to look at the numbers but after a 6/113/2 day and with Megatron out from week 17, I do believe you’re looking at the #2 WR from 2013 based on PPR fantasy points. Not too shabby for a guy who was supposed to lose too many touches to everyone else in Denver.
Drew Brees – At home in the dome makes my mouth foam when it comes to D-Breesy: 381/4 and chucked in a rushing TD to boot. Or to cleat, as it were. Yeah, I got nothin’.
Carson Palmer – Only threw one soul crushing pick and it was at the beginning of the game so there’s some improvement. Finished with 407/2/1 on the day. Kinda sad to see the Cards bounced from the playoffs given how well they played down the stretch but as we all know, someone had to win the NFC North and it couldn’t be them.
Anquan Boldin – The secret TE2 in San Fran has been on quite a run of late and it didn’t stop today: 9/149/1 and an 11 yard rush on top of it. Boldin had his first 1,000 yard receiving year since leaving the Cardinals but remember, Flacco = elite.
Kyle Orton – Stepped in and did his best Romo impersonation. He kept the game close all night and with a game-winning drive on the line, he threw a game-ending interception. The important thing out of all this is the Dr. Seuss-inspired joke: Orton hears a boo. And after that, come to think of it, so do I.
Chris Johnson – With a 27/217/1 day to go with 3/14 through the air, CJ?K has his 6th straight season with 1,000 or more yards rushing and his 4th straight season of disappointing any and all fantasy owners who drafted him.
Andy Dalton – Did his best to help Baltimore reach the playoffs by throwing 4 interceptions but still finished with 3 total TDs – one on the ground – and will now finish the year as a top 5 QB most likely. A word of advice before you buy into that statline in 2014: go look at the home/road splits. The Red Rocket is a pretty dingy gingy, y’all.
Fred Jackson – Another 100+ total yard effort from FJax – 3/53 thru the air and 14/60/1 on the ground – as he’ll most likely finish top 12 in fantasy points for RBs on the year. Who did you say? CJ Spiller? Eh, 19/ to go with 5/28 via receptions. CJ has turned the corner after an injury hampered him most of the year but has definitely been a bust on the fantasy foosball side of things for his owners as any who didn’t also draft Freddie probably say ‘EF-Jax!’ when referring to him.
Knile Davis – Wasn’t the best day but it’s hard to turn down 27/81/2 in week 17. I mean…week 17, people. C’mon. Get it together.
Ryan Mathews – I’m simply bringing Mathews up because he’s gonna finish the year with the 7th most rushing yards after a 24/144 day and no one has really talked about him because his PPR stats are blah and his TDs have been meh. Both him and Alfred Morris should start an RB club where they talk about how Fantasy owners don’t respect the job they’re doing despite how well they’re playing.
Jason Witten – Clearly lived in the same trailer park Orton has been living in. When you’re losing it up top, probably not the best idea to try and part the bald sea. Either way, Witten finished with 12/135, Gavin Escobar finished with the touchdown and Dallas ended the season on an interception that wasn’t thrown by Romo that was still Romo’s fault. NFC North synopsis complete.
Golden Tate – The pseudo-sleeper that I never wrote a sleeper article on because Harvin was coming to town had a great day: 8/129/1. For fun, I looked back at what I projected him at: 65/968/11. TDs weren’t even close but he’ll end with 65/898/5 line and will most likely end in the top 35 for WRs for fantasy points and I ranked him near 37. Hey, when you rank Doug Martin first, you look for things to be proud of.
Randall Cobb – I’m pretty sure his snap count compared to his end line are probably gonna look odd as he landed a 2/55/2 day as they eased him back into the offense after missing most of the season due to injury. In standard he outscored Jordy Nelson who went for 10/161. Isn’t it weird when standard looks abnormal?
Terrelle Pryor – His agent complained all week that the Raiders were trying to make his client ‘look bad’ by starting him. So what you’re saying is your client performs better on the bench? Pryor finished with 207/2 through the air and 49 on the ground and another top 10 fantasy QB finish. Key word being ‘fantasy’ there. I started him for a while and felt dirty the whole time.
Jonathan Grimes – Finished with 126 total yards, 6 receptions and a TD. Week 17 heroes are like random drunks dressed as Superman outside the TCL Chinese Theatre.
Colin Kaepernick – Basically since Crabtree has returned, Kap has been a top 10 QB for fantasy and a much improved QB in real life after finishing with 310 yards passing against a tough Cardinals secondary along with 2 TDs passing and 24 yards on the ground. Yeah, I’m talking myself into jumping on this ride again in 2014 if you can’t tell.
New York Giants DST – Wanna know what’s worse than being a Giants fan? Being a Redskins fan. Washington got the D…or maybe they forgot to bring their O-face. I’m just glad I wasn’t forced to watch that tripe.
T.Y. Hilton – Went for 11/155 as he went over 1,000 yards receiving for the first time in his career. Really liked TY coming into the year. Then Pep happened. And then he kept happening. Yeah, I’m pretty luke warm on Colts players in 2014 until they remove the Pep from their step and just ask Pep to step on his own.
Julian Edelman – Wes Welk…I mean Julian also finished with a 1,000 season but also tacked on 100 receptions to boot which is odd given his production was pretty up/down all year. I can’t remember but a few big weeks out of him and this week definitely wasn’t one either: 9/65. Wes must’ve coached him well before he left. Here’s what I can imagine are Welker’s parting words to Edelman – Be small, be white and be gritty. Tom goes crazy for that.
Josh Gordon – A quiet way to end a monster season: 7/82. He still will end up leading the NFL in receiving yards despite missing 2 games to start they year. Queue the ‘Commissioner Gordon vs Megatron as #1 WR’ debate. No, I didn’t mispell cue. I meant put it in line. The season just ended. Lemme rest a bit.
Matt Asiata – Finished with the 5th most rushing yards in week 17. Yes, your championship week. Don’t tell me to stop it. You stop it.
Edwin Baker – I have zero fantasy reasons to bring him up. He was the Browns RB flavor of the week and didn’t even finish the highest on his team for fantasy points because Fozzy Whitaker took a checkdown pass to the house. Nah, I’m just bringing him up to talk about the Browns. They put the ‘fun’ in dysfunctional as they fired Chud less than one year after hiring him and sticking him with an RB rotation of McGahee, Ogbannaya, Baker & Whittaker and 3 less than stellar QBs in Weeden, Hoyer and Campbell. Ownership’s been taking Cleveland to Brown town for years. Looks like a few more are on the docket.
Matthew Stafford – Somehow only went for 217 and 1 TD on the Vikings secondary. You don’t deserve the second ‘T’ in your first name, Stafford. Give it to Ryan from San Diego, he’ll put it to better use! Seriously, though, I’ll go back to my original mantra: Schwartz and co. got to go.
And that’s that. The season is done. Go home, tell your people you love them and will be available until next September when you retire again to your 4 month Fantasy Football hibernation. I’m bad at good byes so instead I’ll say see ya ’round. Peace, love, dope and talk to you again when it’s 2014. Or tomorrow if I have an article prepared. Eh, whatever…see, I told you I was bad at good byes! Skycrest out!