Good tidings everyone and welcome, once again, to this quickly/drunkenly-typed post of one handsome man’s observations of Sunday Night Football. Wait, what’s this? There’s another Football game after SNF to cover? At 11:30 PM EST? And it’s called Thursday Night Football? I don’t even… what? Well, despite watching football until three-in-the-morn, there was a wonderful aspect at work here. Actually, there was two. The first, we are doing a double-post special today to cover both SNF and TNF. Two-for-one is always a great deal. Especially on Pornhub. Secondly, there is ample opportunity for a lot of drinking. Like, six-straight hours worth, at epic binge-worthy proportions mind you, as watching my Chargers always requires sacrifices to whichever God’s love alcoholism. But don’t worry, Sunday usually involves a Trader Joe’s visit, and thusly, the copious purchase of cheap red’s. So, to ensure survival, in a kinda-sorta way, I decided to go with a wine/vodka combo for my viewing experience. Trust me, it tastes better than it reads. And even if it doesn’t, you’re way to blasted to care at the midway point.
the drinking game I played
I took one sip of wine…
…whenever Matt Schaub caused me to experience any kind of emotion.
…whenever the NBC broadcast showed the The Golden Gate Bridge, Alcatraz, Lombard Street, The Streetcar, or Pier 39. (In retrospect, this was terribly unwise.)
…for every instance of Kaepernicking.
…whenever Andre Johnson got inexplicably wide open.
…every time Terrelle Pryor gave Raider Nation irrational hope.
…whenever Philip Rivers made a punchable face. (I love him, but we all know that face. All of them.)
I took one shot of vodka…
…for every Harbaugh tantrum.
…whenever JJ Watt swatted a pass.
…every time TNF showed that one Raider fan with the Darth Vader mask.
…every time the Chargers had a notable meltdown.
score and a quick summary of the game(s)
HOU — 3, SF — 34
Well, by the half, this game was over. On the third play of the game, Matt Schaub threw a pick-six, which has now happened four games in a row. That’s an NFL record. Awesome bro. He also threw another two interceptions, which, oddly enough, were not returned for touchdowns. But really, there was nothing remotely interesting in this game besides Schaub’s self-destruction. Actually, the intros were pretty entertaining. Donte Whitner intro’d himself as Hitner, even though a government shut down prevented his official name change. Thanks Obama! Antonio Smith is apparently from a Shaolin Temple, though I saw no evidence of his Kung Fu or Wu-Tang skills. And then Ed Reed introduced himself as “born for this”. As far as I know, recorded history does not go that far back in time, so I can’t really verify his statement.
SD — 17, OAK — 27
You know how the NFL always has that doubleheader the first Monday of each season and the latter game is always a depressing contest that involves the Raiders? Well, this is just like that, only it started even later. But hey, Berman wasn’t in the booth, so there’s that at least. Raiders put on a great show in the first-half, either showing promise or that the Chargers still haven’t shaken Norvitis. As only the Raiders can do, they completely vanished in the second half, allowing San Diego to make a game out of it, and aimlessly watched their terrible field condition do most of the work. At least, that’s what I saw, in-and-out of my then drunken consciousness.
DRUNKEN BULLET POINTS
– As the SNF game begins, Schaub is immediately placed on suicide watch. Honestly, Schaub would be dead by now if people actually cared about the Texans.
– Could you describe Niner’s fans as smarmy? Or is it more stabby? Wait, that’s Oakland fans. Glad we get a taste of both tonight.
– Kaepernick’s tattoos to slowly change color to pink as the game progresses.
– No pink flag graphic? This is why NBC lost Monday Night Football.
– Texans derp not nearly so satisfying as Cowboys derp.
– “That obvious thing you know, yeah let me tell you about it anyways.” – Cris Collinsworth
– The ending of this SNF game is like a dead marriage, both sides are just going through the motions while they want to be somewhere else and it’s awkward to watch.
– Pink is just not the Raiders’ color.
– The Black Hole? More like a singularity, amirite?
– Here’s a thought: Ronnie Brown, Cadillac Williams, and Cedric Benson were all taken at the top of the first round in 2005. Only one of them is still playing.
world famous Razzball player blurb thing-a-ma-jigs
Colin Kaepernick — 6/15, 113 YDS, 1 TD, 0 INT and 1 CAR, 14 YDS. Kaepernick’s receivers always look like they’re in pain when they make a catch. Has anyone noticed this? Speaking of things anyone has noticed, Alex Smith is leading an undefeated team. Fascinating.
Terrelle Pryor — 18/23, 221 YDS, 2 TD, 0 INT and 11 CAR, 31 YDS. I love that Pryor has the same strategy my little cousin uses in Madden. Just run around the backfield and hope for the best.
Philip Rivers — 36/49, 411 YDS, 2 TD, 3 INT. He had a lofty floaterception to open the game, of which Dan Fouts reacted by saying that he had too much time to throw. Yes, that’s a problem alright. Defenses should just sit back and wait until the QB throws it to them. The other two interceptions were less egregious with context. Technically, if you believe that Eddie Royal gave up on the route at the opening of the game, all three wouldn’t cause worry. I’m still buying into the resurgence.
Matt Schaub — 19/35, 173 YDS, 0 TD, 3 INT. Schaub gonna Romo I guess. I think we have to make “Schauberception” a word now. And with all the streaks that were broken yesterday, the four game pick-six one seems the most elite. Joe Flacco will now try to top it. It’s probably a good thing the Texans aren’t playing the Giants this season. It would just be Schaub and Eli Manning each insisting that the other one take the ball.
T.J. Yates — 3/5, 15 YDS, 0 TD, 0 INT and 1 CAR, 0 YDS. I guess Gary Kubiak was unimpressed with Yates’ two hand-offs. Is putting him into the game a precursor to the ending of the Matt Schaub era, aka, the Emotionless Age? What does the Houston fan base, which are in the dozens, think of this?
Arian Foster — 21 CAR, 98 YDS. Imagine how good Arian Foster would be if he ate human food.
Frank Gore — 17 CAR, 81 YDS, 1 TD. I would just put everybody in the box. When was the last time the Niner’s completed a pass? Oh, wait, there’s Jeff Garcia, let’s go ask him.
Ryan Matthews — 3 CAR, 8 YDS. Left the game with a concussion. Also left the game with less than 10 yards rushing. I’ll let you decide which one is worse. Hint, the answer is both.
Ben Tate — 7 CAR, 28 YDS. Might have had a better game if Schaub didn’t Schaub. And if they didn’t fall behind so early. And if they weren’t playing against the Niner’s. So, to sum it up, would have had a better game if not for everything.
Danny Woodhead — 9 CAR, 13 YDS and 9 REC, 58 YDS, 1 TD. “Hard to believe this guy’s only 5’8″.″ No it isn’t, because you mention it all the effing time. He is also from Earth. Sky is blue.
Keenan Allen — 6 REC, 115 YDS, 1 TD. Can separate, catch, and looking like a solid #2 with a chance for more.
Vincent Brown — 8 REC, 117 YDS. See, Keenan Allen.
Andre Johnson — 3 REC, 39 YDS. So glad I didn’t fall into the Johnson fantasy trap this year.
Denarius Moore — 5 REC, 84 YDS, 1 TD. Seems to put up big games against division opponents. 11 REC for 208 YDS and 2 TDs against San Diego and Denver. 9 REC for 107 YDS and 1 TD against Washington and Indianapolis.
Eddie Royal — 3 REC, 26 YDS. Special teams derp: The best kind? Otherwise, regression is still happening. I wouldn’t call him Ogletree, but other options are emerging as weapons at this point.
Owen Daniels — 6 REC, 60 YDS. I give you the Texan’s leading receiver. Houston, we have a problem.
Vernon Davis — 3 REC, 88 YDS, 1 TD. Caught half of the completions Kaepernick managed. Which was three. I don’t need a punchline with an ending like that.
Antonio Gates — 7 REC, 74 YDS. Did you know Antonio Gates played basketball? Why no, I didn’t. Praytell, are there any other of these cross-sport wonders playing in the NFL?
a wonderful concluding thought
Can we tell Goodell he can do anything he wants, so long as the Texans are banned from primetime games?
Also, I proclaim November ‘Head Injury Awareness Month’. We’ll all celebrate by haphazardly rearranging the letters of player’s last names on their jerseys. Asomugha might turn into something legible.
Jason Longfellow, aka Jay Long, aka JayWrong, aka Jay, aka JW-1, is a 30-year old Korean/Irish writer who finds solace using Makers Mark as a vehicle to impress women, and also has an affinity for making Jennifer Lawrence GIFs. You can follow him @jaywrong, read his blog Desultory Thoughts of a Longfellow, or, you can find his GIFs at his tumblr, named Siuijeonseo.