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Good tidings everyone and welcome, once again, to this quickly/drunkenly-typed post of one handsome man’s observations of Sunday Night Football. Wait, what’s this? There’s another Football game after SNF to cover? At 11:30 PM EST? And it’s called Thursday Night Football? I don’t even… what? Well, despite watching football until three-in-the-morn, there was a wonderful aspect at work here. Actually, there was two. The first, we are doing a double-post special today to cover both SNF and TNF. Two-for-one is always a great deal. Especially on Pornhub. Secondly, there is ample opportunity for a lot of drinking. Like, six-straight hours worth, at epic binge-worthy proportions mind you, as watching my Chargers always requires sacrifices to whichever God’s love alcoholism. But don’t worry, Sunday usually involves a Trader Joe’s visit, and thusly, the copious purchase of cheap red’s. So, to ensure survival, in a kinda-sorta way, I decided to go with a wine/vodka combo for my viewing experience. Trust me, it tastes better than it reads. And even if it doesn’t, you’re way to blasted to care at the midway point.

the drinking game I played

I took one sip of wine…

…whenever Matt Schaub caused me to experience any kind of emotion.

…whenever the NBC broadcast showed the The Golden Gate Bridge, Alcatraz, Lombard Street, The Streetcar, or Pier 39. (In retrospect, this was terribly unwise.)

…for every instance of Kaepernicking.

…whenever Andre Johnson got inexplicably wide open.

…every time Terrelle Pryor gave Raider Nation irrational hope.

…whenever Philip Rivers made a punchable face. (I love him, but we all know that face. All of them.)

I took one shot of vodka…

…for every Harbaugh tantrum.

…whenever JJ Watt swatted a pass.

…every time TNF showed that one Raider fan with the Darth Vader mask.

…every time the Chargers had a notable meltdown.

score and a quick summary of the game(s)

HOU — 3, SF — 34

Well, by the half, this game was over. On the third play of the game, Matt Schaub threw a pick-six, which has now happened four games in a row. That’s an NFL record. Awesome bro. He also threw another two interceptions, which, oddly enough, were not returned for touchdowns. But really, there was nothing remotely interesting in this game besides Schaub’s self-destruction. Actually, the intros were pretty entertaining. Donte Whitner intro’d himself as Hitner, even though a government shut down prevented his official name change. Thanks Obama! Antonio Smith is apparently from a Shaolin Temple, though I saw no evidence of his Kung Fu or Wu-Tang skills. And then Ed Reed introduced himself as “born for this”. As far as I know, recorded history does not go that far back in time, so I can’t really verify his statement.

SD — 17, OAK — 27

You know how the NFL always has that doubleheader the first Monday of each season and the latter game is always a depressing contest that involves the Raiders? Well, this is just like that, only it started even later. But hey, Berman wasn’t in the booth, so there’s that at least. Raiders put on a great show in the first-half, either showing promise or that the Chargers still haven’t shaken Norvitis. As only the Raiders can do, they completely vanished in the second half, allowing San Diego to make a game out of it, and aimlessly watched their terrible field condition do most of the work. At least, that’s what I saw, in-and-out of my then drunken consciousness.

DRUNKEN BULLET POINTS

– As the SNF game begins, Schaub is immediately placed on suicide watch. Honestly, Schaub would be dead by now if people actually cared about the Texans.

– Could you describe Niner’s fans as smarmy? Or is it more stabby? Wait, that’s Oakland fans. Glad we get a taste of both tonight.

– Kaepernick’s tattoos to slowly change color to pink as the game progresses.

– No pink flag graphic? This is why NBC lost Monday Night Football.

– Texans derp not nearly so satisfying as Cowboys derp.

–  “That obvious thing you know, yeah let me tell you about it anyways.” – Cris Collinsworth

– The ending of this SNF game is like a dead marriage, both sides are just going through the motions while they want to be somewhere else and it’s awkward to watch.

– Pink is just not the Raiders’ color.

– The Black Hole? More like a singularity, amirite?

– Here’s a thought: Ronnie Brown, Cadillac Williams, and Cedric Benson were all taken at the top of the first round in 2005. Only one of them is still playing.

world famous Razzball player blurb thing-a-ma-jigs

Colin Kaepernick — 6/15, 113 YDS, 1 TD, 0 INT and 1 CAR, 14 YDS. Kaepernick’s receivers always look like they’re in pain when they make a catch. Has anyone noticed this? Speaking of things anyone has noticed, Alex Smith is leading an undefeated team. Fascinating.

Terrelle Pryor — 18/23, 221 YDS, 2 TD, 0 INT and 11 CAR, 31 YDS. I love that Pryor has the same strategy my little cousin uses in Madden. Just run around the backfield and hope for the best.

Philip Rivers — 36/49, 411 YDS, 2 TD, 3 INT. He had a lofty floaterception to open the game, of which Dan Fouts reacted by saying that he had too much time to throw. Yes, that’s a problem alright. Defenses should just sit back and wait until the QB throws it to them. The other two interceptions were less egregious with context. Technically, if you believe that Eddie Royal gave up on the route at the opening of the game, all three wouldn’t cause worry. I’m still buying into the resurgence.

Matt Schaub — 19/35, 173 YDS, 0 TD, 3 INT. Schaub gonna Romo I guess. I think we have to make “Schauberception” a word now. And with all the streaks that were broken yesterday, the four game pick-six one seems the most elite. Joe Flacco will now try to top it. It’s probably a good thing the Texans aren’t playing the Giants this season. It would just be Schaub and Eli Manning each insisting that the other one take the ball.

T.J. Yates — 3/5, 15 YDS, 0 TD, 0 INT and 1 CAR, 0 YDS. I guess Gary Kubiak was unimpressed with Yates’ two hand-offs. Is putting him into the game a precursor to the ending of the Matt Schaub era, aka, the Emotionless Age? What does the Houston fan base, which are in the dozens, think of this?

Arian Foster —  21 CAR, 98 YDS. Imagine how good Arian Foster would be if he ate human food.

Frank Gore — 17 CAR, 81 YDS, 1 TD. I would just put everybody in the box. When was the last time the Niner’s completed a pass? Oh, wait, there’s Jeff Garcia, let’s go ask him.

Ryan Matthews — 3 CAR, 8 YDS. Left the game with a concussion. Also left the game with less than 10 yards rushing. I’ll let you decide which one is worse. Hint, the answer is both.

Ben Tate — 7 CAR, 28 YDS. Might have had a better game if Schaub didn’t Schaub. And if they didn’t fall behind so early. And if they weren’t playing against the Niner’s. So, to sum it up, would have had a better game if not for everything.

Danny Woodhead —  9 CAR, 13 YDS and 9 REC, 58 YDS, 1 TD. “Hard to believe this guy’s only 5’8″.″ No it isn’t, because you mention it all the effing time. He is also from Earth. Sky is blue.

Keenan Allen — 6 REC, 115 YDS, 1 TD. Can separate, catch, and looking like a solid #2 with a chance for more.

Vincent Brown — 8 REC, 117 YDS. See, Keenan Allen.

Andre Johnson — 3 REC, 39 YDS. So glad I didn’t fall into the Johnson fantasy trap this year.

Denarius Moore — 5 REC, 84 YDS, 1 TD. Seems to put up big games against division opponents. 11 REC for 208 YDS and 2 TDs against San Diego and Denver. 9 REC for 107 YDS and 1 TD against Washington and Indianapolis.

Eddie Royal — 3 REC, 26 YDS. Special teams derp: The best kind? Otherwise, regression is still happening. I wouldn’t call him Ogletree, but other options are emerging as weapons at this point.

Owen Daniels — 6 REC, 60 YDS. I give you the Texan’s leading receiver. Houston, we have a problem.

Vernon Davis — 3 REC, 88 YDS, 1 TD. Caught half of the completions Kaepernick managed. Which was three. I don’t need a punchline with an ending like that.

Antonio Gates — 7 REC, 74 YDS. Did you know Antonio Gates played basketball? Why no, I didn’t. Praytell, are there any other of these cross-sport wonders playing in the NFL?

a wonderful concluding thought

Can we tell Goodell he can do anything he wants, so long as the Texans are banned from primetime games?

Also, I proclaim November ‘Head Injury Awareness Month’. We’ll all celebrate by haphazardly rearranging the letters of player’s last names on their jerseys. Asomugha might turn into something legible.

Jason Longfellow, aka Jay Long, aka JayWrong, aka Jay, aka JW-1, is a 30-year old Korean/Irish writer who finds solace using Makers Mark as a vehicle to impress women, and also has an affinity for making Jennifer Lawrence GIFs. You can follow him @jaywrong, read his blog Desultory Thoughts of a Longfellow, or, you can find his GIFs at his tumblr, named Siuijeonseo.

From Around The Web

  1. James says:
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    Hey,
    Am i giving up too much by trading MY Fitzgerald and Matt Ryan and getting back Peyton and Hillman.
    12 team ppr, I am 2nd place and I have Garcon, Blackmon, Steve Smith, (Harvin, Vareen) and waiver wire to fill 4 starting spots.
    I have been putting up big points every week (playing Vick over Ryan in all but week 1) so im thinking the automatic points by Peyton is better then the incosistency of Fitz.
    Thoughts?

    thanks

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @James: Yeah, I would do that trade.

  2. JFK says:
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    His Rice/Blackmon/Bennett for my Marshawn/Hopkins/Cook – I could use the upgrade at TE and backup WR (Schauberceptions giving way to Yates-offs), and am hoping the Ravens’ renewed commitment to getting Rice involved will put his production at/close to Marshawn’s ROS.
    Thoughts?

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @JFK: I’d rather hold. I’m still not confident in the Ravens situation.

  3. Chicken Dinner says:
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    Is Roddy White a lost cause this year? Considering a buy low but afraid it may just be a buy.

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @Chicken Dinner: If there’s no discount, I wouldn’t dabble. His stock has to be deflated at this point.

  4. Kobayashi Maru says:
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    I’ve now fallen to 2-3 and I’m getting a bit desperate. I’m in a 10 team 2QB PPR with a deep roster format. I’m stacked at RB: AP, Trent, Spiller and Gio; but I’m miserable at WR: Boldin, Bowe, M. Williams, N. Washington.

    Thoughts on traded Gio for Alshon? You’d think I could get a better deal, but after a week of shopping around, I haven’t.

    • Kobayashi Maru says:
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      @Kobayashi Maru: Alternatively, I’ve been offered Spiller for Colston.

      • Jay

        Jay says:
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        @Kobayashi Maru: I’d hold on Spiller. As much as it pains me to say that.

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @Kobayashi Maru: I’d shop Trent. In the upcoming podcast, I state that I’m not too high on him.

      • Kobayashi Maru says:
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        @Jay: T. Rich for Colston, Wayne or Decker, and if so, which?

  5. Dave says:
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    Hey should I do this trade I’m giving away Woodhead and Kenbrell Thompkins for Gio Bernard and Stevie Johnson it’s a .5 PPR.

    And what do you think of Keenan Allen’s value if you were still sober enough to see his name last night lol solid WR3?

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @Dave: I’d hold on Woodhead. I love Allen, sober too, heh. Looks like a legitimate #2 going forward.

      • Dave says:
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        @Jay: Thanks and wow WR2? So definitely drop Tavon for him looks like Schottenheimer will just kill Tavon’s value for him

        • Dave says:
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          @Dave: Will kill Tavon’s value anyways*

        • Jay

          Jay says:
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          @Dave: I agree.

  6. timmy riggins says:
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    What’s up, appreciate your advice on my roster and trade considerations. 12 team .5ppr w/flex 15 week season NO playoffs

    QB- PManning, Wilson
    RB- Martin, Richardson, Ridley, quizz Rodgers, bolden
    WR- Dez, DThomas, Mike Wallace, Alshon Jefferey, Kendall wright, randle, K.Allen
    TE- martellus Bennett

    Have an offer of Vick and Torrey smith for Wilson and Ridley. Am I giving him a vick replacement too easily? Keep in mind, theres no playoffs so his other option for the foreseeable future is joe flacco or trading with someone else. I also dont need Vick, but, he faces OAK during mannings bye week. ALSO, the guy is a Steven Jackson owner so I’m trying to deal him quizz (as a handcuff)

    1)Would you accept Vick/smith for Wilson/Ridley?
    2)Push for Wilson/quiz/Kendall wright for Torrey smith and fillers? and then If he doesn’t bite then accept the original offer?
    3) On a side note, he also owns AP, is Wilson and trich, quizz for AP more worthwhile or even realistic?

    Same league different trade option. The owner of Jimmy Graham also owns Orange Julius and Cameron, so hes looking to deal Graham to reap the highest yield. Worth trading TRich/filler for Graham/J.Nelson? or even TRich for Graham straight up? or just hold.

    my team is on a winning streak

    Thanks again for your insight and time

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @timmy riggins: 1) no, 2) no, 3) probably not. I wouldn’t, at least, but may be worth a try.

      And yeah, I’d want Graham and Jordy for TRich. I’d do it straight up on the Graham one too.

      • timmy riggins says:
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        @Jay: Wondering why you would be opposed to trading Russell Wilson, ‘Quizz Rodgers, and Kendall Wright for Torrey Smith, Mike Vick, and a filler or something close to that? I dont lose any starters and I gain a very solid WR3 in TSmith. Thanks again

        • Jay

          Jay says:
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          @timmy riggins: No prob. I’m not as high on Smith as others are, and I like having Quizz around.

  7. CL says:
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    Need a WR next week… Who’s the waiver claim at WR… PPR: Williams or Allen?

    Thanks.

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @CL: Allen.

  8. Chicken Dinner says:
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    Terrance Williams

    Flash in the pan or here to stay?

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @Chicken Dinner: here to stay, but there will be growing pains.

      • Chicken Dinner says:
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        @Jay: I have
        D.Wilson/ Richardson/ Joique/ McGahee/ Blount
        Fitz/ DeShaun/ M. Brown/ Randle

        Guys wants Joique for Williams. Won’t bite on anything else. What say you?

          • Chicken Dinner says:
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            @Jay: Thank you kind sir, may I have another?

            I have
            RGIII / Wilson
            Dez/J.Gordon/Tate/Williams

            Trade Wilson/Williams for Marshall?

            He needs a QB but I’m a bit worried going sans backup for RG. There is NO ONE available on the wire.

            • Jay

              Jay says:
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              @Chicken Dinner: tough one. Based on your depth, it feels too risky.

              • Chicken Dinner says:
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                @Jay: Sorry, I also have Keenan. Liking what I see/ hear.

                • Jay

                  Jay says:
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                  @Chicken Dinner: no apologies necessary. Yeah, love Keenan. I think we are seeing someone special emerge.

                  • Chicken Dinner says:
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                    @Jay: Thanks again.

  9. Steve Stevenson says:
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    Have to pick up a bye week replacement for Ryan in my dynasty league. I grabbed Franklin after he was dropped coming into the Packers’ bye, but now he’s a possible bye week casualty. I love stockpiling young RB assets in this league, but if not Franklin I’d have to drop Rudolph. He’s been no great shakes this year, but is young and with a good QB can put up pts. With Graham as my TE1, a TE2 is not really much of an issue. So, in dynasty, do you dump Franklin or Rudolph? Either one likely gets picked up by someone else.

  10. jake says:
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    Trade q:

    .5 PPR league:

    Trade Brady and Alfred Morris for Rodgers and BenJarvis Green Ellis?

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @jake: I’m okay with it, leaning the Rodgers side very slightly.

  11. Mr. Glass says:
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    in a .5 point ppr would you move gronk for ray rice? my other TE is Olson and my RBs are AP, MJD, Sproles(my flex), and Moreno

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @Mr. Glass: Naw, not a fan of Ray Rice this year.

  12. Aubrey Plaza's Pillow says:
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    should we be dropping m.williams for any of k.allen/ginn/gibson/little/simpson/avery? standard PPR, start 3 WR and a flex, already have a.johnson (thanks schlub!)/nicks/d.moore/jennings.

  13. Zar says:
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    Rivers or RG3 ROS?

    I’m thinking of dropping Rivers to pick up Hilton (Who I dropped for Rivers), Blackmon, Allen, or Alshon Jeffrey. Which one? Or two, if Stevie Johnson is droppable for a second one. I already have Marshall, Colston and Edelman.

    Thanks -.-

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @Zar: out of all those names, I’d want Rivers and Jeffrey the most.

  14. Frank White says:
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    Sup Jay… Do you think Terrance Williams will stay playing at this level, or play at all, when Austin comes back?? I’ve been sitting on my #1 waiver for 4 weeks and I’m waiting for someone big but at the same time it’s a curse cause I can’t ever grab any waivers.. lol.. Go for it on Terrance Williams?? Oh by the way I’m in dying need of receivers. I still have Bowe starting w/ Nicks and DT and Chris Givens and Robert Woods on the bench

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @Frank White: I like Williams, but I think it’ll be a roller coaster ride all year. But I, at the very least, believe Dallas will keep him involved. Looks like you have a need, I’d go for it.

      • Frank White says:
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        Thnx man!! I’m so pissed cause I was eye balling him all week to start for me in flex on Sunday and last second I didn’t. I shoulda went with my gut cause I would’ve had him now with the #1 waiver. DAMN! lol

        • Jay

          Jay says:
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          @Frank White: yeah, a lot of this game is gut.

  15. Frank White says:
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    Also is Pierre Thomas going to be involved like that from now on or was this a one week deal?? I have him and Sprolles

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @Frank White: tough to say, but I don’t think he keeps it at that level.

      • Frank White says:
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        thnx

  16. Frank White says:
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    Morning Bro… Do you think I should pickup Jonathan Stewart and drop Daryl Ricjardson or Chris Givens??

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @Frank White: Morning. I’m going to stick with Givens here… purely gut call though.

      • Frank White says:
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        Yeah I’m sich of both of them especially Daryl.. Do you like Stewart when he comes back??

        • Jay

          Jay says:
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          @Frank White: I’m meh on him, but he always has that potential tag.

  17. Frank White says:
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    Morning Bud… This guy offered me Joquie Bell and Cam Newton for MJD and Bowe. Iv’e been trying to dump those guys on someone anyway but is that worth it for me?? He has Le Veon Bell whichI think is better, should I counter with that and Cam??
    My Lineup
    Eli
    Demarious T
    Nicks
    Terrance Williams
    Doug martin
    Sproles
    Marrtelus Bennett
    Pierre Thomas
    Mjd
    Bowe
    Chris Givens
    Jonathan Stewert
    Robert Woods
    Ellington

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @Frank White: Yeah, seems kinda meh for me too. I’d try to grab LeVeon and see what happens.

  18. Frank White says:
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    People are trying to trade for DT from me. I feel like if I lose him then my team would be basically ruined. Do u agree or do u think it worth losing a big player like that to get a couple good guys for him?? example : Decker, Gates or maybe woodhead too?? I might have to add a player for all 3 but u get what I mean.

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @Frank White: I prefer balance in the draft, but consolidation for trades. Unless your blown away, or the upgrade over all three positions is substantial, I’d hold.

      • Frank White says:
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        Thank Man you’ve been real straight up!!!

  19. Frank White says:
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    Hey Man… Who should I trade off if you had a choice, Pierre Thomas or Sproles??

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @Frank White: I’d keep Sproles. I like him a bit more. Especially in PPR’s.

Comments are closed.